Other than the Bloody Vagina portions of the show, I loved last night’s Real Housewives Of New York. There was just the right mixture of drama and suspense, coupled with heart-felt friendship moments. WHAT WOULD RHONY DO WITHOUT DORINDA MEDLEY?! She is everyone’s friend in a meaningful way, never fake, and truly takes time to help these women without judgement. All Housewives shows need a Dorinda! In other happenings, Luann de Lesseps emancipated herself from trying to get into anyone’s good graces – she’s getting married and she don’t give a damn, so “F–k these bitches!” You heard it: Straight from the Countess’ mouth.
While Bethenny Frankel was preoccupied by bleeding about the groins, the other ladies were empowering their ovaries and realizing…screw this Bethenny Controlled Dictatorship – it’s mutiny time. Rise Up! They’ll go on their OWN trip. They’ll seize the sails and steer this ship in a new direction. The Countess went rogue and she don’t care about Carole RadziVille (said vaudville style).
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There was entirely too much bloody vagina this episode. Bloody vaginas have no place in a pizza parlor or a town car. I don’t need to hear Bethenny demand her chauffeur to clean her blood-soaked pillow. She was bragging about how her employees are her dearest friends, yet how many friends you got running your stained pillows to the dry cleaner? Throw that in the trash, then head back to Home Goods to buy a new pillow, Bethenny!
So the ladies “made” pizza. I don’t even know how to define this event, suffice to say Jules Wainstein and Bethenny should have stayed home, iced their cooches, and ordered pizza, or whatever it is Jules eats? Melissa & Doug wooden pizza – is that kosher?!
Two seconds into arriving, everyone is one-upping over bad vajajays. Jules passed around a graphic photo of her “peanut” crotch. That is the ish you show your BFFs, and not before eating. Bethenny regales everyone with how Dorinda saved her during a particularly exerting Home Goods trek. Bethenny was so caught in her rapture over – ironically – pizza cutters, she nearly bled out, until Dorinda whisked her to the doctor. Jules mentions that Doridna was the right person to go, and Bethenny scoffs, laughing hysterically, “Yeah – imagine if I’d been with you?!” Poor Jules. Her little lady-child face crumpled. She’s realizing a pattern of Bethenny making jokes at others expense.
Seriously – whose party was this? What was this place? Like Chuckee Cheese for overly entitled grown-ups where the game is make your food and clean it up? It seemed like an abandoned, freezing pizza dive and everyone was abusing the serviette. Jules sat on a pile of napkins, and according to her blog, destroyed them (how?!), Ramona Singer stole a china plate – literally waltzed out the door with her slice of pizza on a plate. She was meeting a member of the Coven Of Never Aging, Never Changing Singer Summitt – those women who just sit in Le Noir, year after year, waiting for Ramona’s birthday luncheon to happen, their hair dried in a bouffant, and their faces frozen with anticipated revelry. Or maybe that’s just a facelift effect.
Then Jules used pizza dough as a stress therapy ball, mangled it all up. Then decided a calzone doubled as a dishwasher and stuffed cutlery and a dipping cup inside, and baked it, while giggling. Maybe Jules was trying to be prepared in case someone lost their fork? I suppose we should be impressed Jules used such restraint – she wanted to put Lidocaine and Xanax inside, but Carole stopped her. Personally I think infusing tranquilizer into Bethenny’s food sounds like a an excellent idea. When Carole and Bethenny played archeologists in Jules’ calzone and unearthed the buried treasure, Bethenny was pissed.
Then Jules got pissed because Carole was literally staring over her plate – asking her why she’s doing certain things with her food, or not mixing cheese with sauce – which she was, because that’s how a pizza works, but Carole is a girl who doesn’t understand real food – giggle, giggle – she’s a girl who loves junk food, but then Adam saved her from herself. Jules rambles that she’s over her ED, and admits to Carole she weights 115. Why is Carole asking about Jules’ weight? That just seemed … intrusive, not to mention rude. Right?
Jules and Dorinda go smoke (YUK!), but Bethenny and Carole are aghast that she’s smoking before eating. Bethenny decides Jules is “in” her eating disorder, not over it, and needs help. Bethenny and Carole judging anyone for being too skinny is laughable, not to mention hypocritical. Projection, much? Also, they aren’t trying to ‘help’ Jules, they’re gossiping. If Jules is truly sick, constantly drawing attention to her eating is dangerous. But honestly, WHY IS BRAVO SO OBSESSED WITH EVERYONE’S HEALTH? Bravo – stay the hell out of people’s bodies!!! Unless I’m watching the effects of wine on a good Housewives fight, I don’t want to hear about it. (Although I was sort of obsessed with everyone examining Kim and Brandi’s sobriety on RHOBH, so what do I know?!)
When Jules returns to the table, she serves her revenge by stuffing a knife in the calzone and feeding it to Bethenny. Someone is a fan of medieval kill tactics. Furthermore, Carole truly has baby fever. She mother-hovers over Jules, puts pizza on her plate, makes her take bites – the way I do with my small kids – and checks to make sure she ate some of it. Maybe this is good for Jules – she does seem incapable of taking care of herself and later sobs to Dorinda “Who is taking care of me?” I think we found our answer: CAROLE! RHONY: bringing together those in need.
Somehow we get on the topic of the pharmaceuticals Jules is hauling around in her purse – bitch better hope she doesn’t get mugged. Jules shares that she takes Adderall for her ADD, and Carole is like HOLD THE PEPPERONI – ADDERALL?! Like the stimulant all the starlets gobble to lose weight? Jules is all, Adderall makes you lose weight? Well, I had no idea! I’m just really not right about the head and it keeps my thoughts ordered. All the thoughts which don’t require a verb, a common sense, or a complete sentence!
OK, now, I don’t want to ‘Carole‘ into Jules‘ health, but who is her psychiatrist?! I take Adderall, and when I get my med checks they weigh me every time and ask me about my eating because IT IS MEDICALLY PROVEN THAT STIMULANTS ARE APPETITE SUPPRESSANTS! Apparently Jules visits her therapist to have some ‘me time’ because, as she tells Carole over and over, she doesn’t even have anything to discuss. Uh-huh…
Carole retreats to her safe place: Heather Thomson‘s bosom, and they go ice skating. Around Heather, Carole seems different – less supplicant, more equal. Carole and Heather discuss Jules. After Carole issues all the platitudes about how nice and lovely Jules is, she analyzes her eating. Heather is like yeah…. that’s sad! So we’re here for business – I’m supposed to promote this cookbook, right?! Carole just can’t help but wonder if she and Adam are meant to work together since they can barely get along through the proposal…
So here’s the tale of Bethenny’s vagina. Bethenny fell out of love and broke her uterus, so now her doctor has to put Bethenny back together again. As her divorce dragged on, her fibroids grew while her heart shrunk, and started pushing all the warm stuff out – onto another woman’s husband apparently. Bethenny’s bleeding just won’t relent, so something says this has an emotional component, like a weird, very creepy, Amityville Horror metaphor for Bethenny’s personal life.
Bethenny goes back to the doctor and TMIs her chauffeur all the way there, and all the way home. After her appointment, Bethenny has a scary reckoning, realizing she has no one to depend on. Bethenny calls her lone friend Teri to sob about how very, very alone she is in this world, yet through her tears she still manages to get in a dig about Jason! “God forbid something happened to me,” wails Bethenny. “Imagine if [Bryn] had to be with them always – that’s my worst nightmare.” Um… I’m no Dr. Carole about Bethenny’s emotional state, but this is WHY you’re alone – you can’t deal with people you can’t control. Jason loves Bryn dearly, (as does Bethenny), and there is no reason to be saying that about your child’s family.
Next, Dorinda visits Jules, and feels like a full-figured woman next her so very svelte friend. Jules is in the throes of a nervous breakdown because she too is completely alone in this world; no nanny, Michael disappearing at odd hours – not even her vagina works! What can a girl depend on?! WHO IS GONNA TAKE CARE OF JULES?! #CaroleCare
Jules is very upset over Carole and Bethenny. Carole was “annoying,” questioning Jules’ weight, and Bethenny insulted her integrity. Something about Jules’ delivery – it’s like a bratty teenager. Dorinda listens and counsels Jules to stand up for herself, call Carole out on her own ‘weird’ behaviors (of which there appear to be no shortage of!), and confront Bethenny directly but maturely about her feelings.
Honestly though – Jules cannot manage life. She’s running around NYC like a human pharmacy, panicking over making coffee, living in a ramshackle Hamptons lean-to with an in-ground pool to nowhere (maybe she imagines it’s the door to Narnia?), sobbing because her nanny quit, then she hires a new nanny who doesn’t speak English and therefore Jules can’t communicate with her. Jules is barely clinging to the literal world!
There’s no shortage of Dorinda dispensing realism this episode – she’s the pharmaceutical friend for these gals. Next she is forced into the depths of UES hell – the basement of Casa de Morgan. If you thought the rest of that place was a mess… holy lord. Sonja Morgan‘s basement is a prison for stuffed animals. Sonja has boxes of just crap – and tons of vegetable oil. Left over from Y2k when Sonja thought the apocalypse was coming? Maybe she thought she could eat the stuffed animals for survival?
Anyway, this is a poignant scene. Now that Sonja isn’t drinking, she’s finally confronting her buried emotions. Buried in that basement it turns out! Dorinda gently encourages her to let go, because she doesn’t need items to preserve her daughter’s childhood. Quite simply, it’s time for Sonja to accept how her circumstances have changed. Sonja tears up, admitting that she misses being part of a family, and the stuff – the house, the items, the blow dryer from 1971 – remind of her times when she was connected to something; part of a unit. It was moving.
Our little Sonja, it seems, is finally growing up.
Finally, Luann has a cocktail party and invited all the girls. Carole didn’t come because she’s now offended that Luann only included her in a group invitation. Caaaaaarole warrants a special invite. According to Carole, Luann should have reached out one-on-one to talk after apologizing. That she didn’t, proves to Carole, that Lu’s apology was insincere. [SIGH] Carole – exactly do you want from Lu? You never want to see her again, she’s awful and terrible, but now you’re pissed that she’s not calling you for coffee? Honey – go see Dr. Dorinda, you’re in need. Maybe she’ll wear her Lucite sandals for the occasion – that seems like something kooky that Carole would appreciate!
Everyone is in good spirits at the party – especially Lu who gushes about Tom, even the Count loves him! “He’s a millionaire,” Luann guffaws, then admits Alex is happy Luann’s happy. Sonja side-eyes Luann’s love, musing that she never thought Tom, her 10-year one-night-stand, was the marrying kind. Then, Ramona arrives wearing Ramona Blue, and rains on the parade.
Ramona pulls Luann aside to instruct her that she’s not done groveling to Carole. Too bad Luann is over it! Luann reminds Ramona that Carole needs to meet her half way, and she’s not begging for a friendship she doesn’t even want. Lu has seen Carole’s true colors, and doesn’t think they compliment her own. Now that she’s got Tom, and is focusing on the future, constantly stroking Carole’s ego over the past just isn’t a priority. Luann brazenly announces that Carole needs to get over herself, and reminds Ramona that she’s also owed an apology from Carole. Luann is right! Enough is enough – Carole needs to stop acting like a petulant child, and everyone should stop coddling her!
I understand Ramona’s point – she wants everyone to get along, but stop being Bethenny and Carole’s foot soldier. If Ramona is trying to be a friend to Luann, while Carole was complaining about Luann not calling her one-on-one, that was the time for Ramona to point out how Luann has apologized but Carole hasn’t been receptive or kind in response. The bottom line is Luann just doesn’t care about getting along with Bethenny and Carole, and no longer fears their paper tiger power play.
After Luann dismisses Ramona, Ramona complains to Dorinda and Jules, then Luann swans over and declares she’s hosting her own trip, which Carole and Bethenny aren’t invited to! Sayonara, bitches! #TheCIsBack
TELL US – ARE BETHENNY AND CAROLE OUT OF LINE FOCUSING ON JULES EATING? SHOULD LUANN MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT WITH CAROLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
