Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County left me feeling vile and disgusting. Two things Shannon Beador adamantly protests that she is not.
So everyone is stranded at Kelly Dodd‘s house – which consists of 4 stories of bars and Bansky-esque decor, and is littered with bizarrely behaving bitches in the form of Real Housewives. It was like Alice In Wonderland meets the color white. Off with your head, but first: a spot of vodka for your very unfriendly chat.
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In this bizarro world, Shannon and Vicki Gunvalson find themselves ordering the same drink, at the same time. Later, Tamra Judge will wax poetically about how it was Jesus’ intervention when Vicki ran into Sarah, Ryan’s ex-fiance, in the parking lot of a gas station while Briana was ill, but apparently when Shannon and Vicki crash land together at the bar, ordering the same drink, with the same stank face, it ain’t destiny, fate, or divine intervention, it’s just rotten luck.
For some reason Vicki hugs Shannon, and then they find themselves seated in the corner while Vicki point-blank apologizes for involving Shannon in the whole Brooks scam, and for being a bad friend while she was being duped by juice.
Shannon is caught up on Vicki calling her “vile and disgusting,” so Vicki whines that Shannon makes it all about her when SHE was the duped one. Shannon does. Oh Shannon does. But so does Vicki – so they’re at an impassable impasse. With that, everyone decides to break up this stellar party by heading into Kelly’s closet to stab Meghan King Edmonds with hormones – Vicki not included! Speaking of miracles, miraculously Meghan is no longer afraid of needles. Jesus was there – right in Kelly’s closet, standing near the bar, and then Satan walked in and sucked all the positive feelings right out of the room. Satan was wearing a fur vest and an army green romper. I know, Satan is confusing.
I gotta say – we’ve heard Vicki through A LOT of apologies as of late, but this seemed her most sincere. Her most ‘a-ha,’ but, still, Shannon wants more. Shannon, as Tamra says, wants blood. No, she actually wants Vicki’s pound of flesh – to pound pancake flat and sizzle on one of Heather Dubrow‘s 44 grills in the mystery mansion which I swear doesn’t even exist – like Chateau Suuuure You’re Building A Mansion, Sheree! Chateau Dubrow is only an apparition of wealth and promise, right?
Vicki tears up realizing all the other girls excluded her and mumbles that she wants to be friends again. Kelly holds her a bit but Meghan scowls that they were never friends – which is soooo Vicki’s fault. Vicki rushes from the room and cries on Kelly’s shoulder in the parking lot (or is that Kelly’s yard?). In the limo, she cries some more that it was a mistake to come. Yes, facing the truth really, really hurts – is there an affirmation for that?
Surly Shannon informs the other women that she has no interest in a friendship with Vicki, and it’s all Vicktim’s fault. Poor Kelly understands being the odd duck the other girls don’t like so she lets the ladies know that systematic bullying is not OK. Oh wait.. wrong Kelly. Gettin’ my crazies confused!
I dunno guys, Vicki obviously needs to take ownership by at least admitting that at some point she realized Brooks was lying but it was too late. I feel like those words are on the tip of her tongue, but then she eats another Blue Cheese Stuffed Olive and WOO HOO comes out instead. Conversely, it’s also kind of evident that these women are never gonna truly forgive cause they don’t want to! And honestly there’s never gonna be any compassion casseroles – not even for Briana (more on that later!) – so maybe Vicki needs to just stop apologizing. Honestly – who wants friends who want to think the worst of you, anyway? Even though what happened was “vile and disgusting,” it’s time to move on. Can’t someone else have a crisis we need to micromanage and pick apart? How ’bout that marriage there, Megs?
Seriously – anyone think some of these ladies are projecting all the filth onto Vicki so their own secrets and issues stay ignored? Convenient, no?
Oh yes, Meghan and Jimmy. They’re going to get Jimmy’s sperm out of retirement, and honestly that sperm is probably more mature than Meghan. Meghan is proud of herself for being a protective mommy as she holds onto the sperm transporter while Jimmy’s eyes glaze over to the sound of her rambling about shots and hormones and eggs – at eggs he perks up and suggests IHOP. About these two, I really don’t care one whit. We know Meghan is now knocked up and Jimmy is still not interested. Glad the whole pregnancy thing worked out – congrats – now Hashtag #Go Away. God – how long until she starts hawking a #KnockedUp hat? Just stick me in the eye with a needle.
In serious issues, Briana has to be rushed to the hospital because she literally can’t breathe. Vicki is driving a gasping Briana (with Troy and Owen in the backseat) when they’re forced to pull over at a gas station to call 911. However, as Briana is gasping for breath, Tamra calls and Vicki answers!?!?!?!?! As the ambulance drives Briana away, a sobbing Vicki runs into Sarah, who agrees to wait with Troy and Owen at Vicki’s house until the babysitter arrives so Vicki can go to the hospital.
According to Tamra, Jesus divinely deposited Sarah into the gas station at just the right time. Which was very nice of Jesus, of course, yet he wasn’t able to spare some miracles for Briana?
Also, naturally, at the first whiff of crisis here comes Tamra sniffing around, with her friend face on, crying over how terrible the situation is for Briana, pretending to support Vicki then turning it all into how Sarah and Ryan can’t make their relationship work. “You created a monster,” whispers Sarah, as Tamra glares.
While Briana is in the hospital with a 103/104 temperature and battling a serious infection, Vicki is caring for the boys full-time. She’s exhausted. She’s over-whelmed. She’s making it all about Vicki-Vicktims! Briana’s health is also her journey and her cross to bear (and Tamra’s too probably, if Briana will have her). Especially since Ryan isn’t permitted to leave base to support his wife. Which is really sad.
In Meghan‘s Millennial World where she’s a Barbie girl and everything revolves around her (except Jimmy Dad Jeans!), she’s undergoing the horrors of infertility all while dealing with a kitchen reno. The worst – there’s no ice for the champs! Plus, Jimmy is traveling. WAAAH. Luckily, Kelly visits, but I think she just put jeans on over her bathing suit? Meghan is off roaming the neighborhood at the first hint of sunset, howling at the streetlights, and scratching at doors for ice. Must. Have. Champs.
Kelly shows up just as Meghan has turned back into real girl again. Meghan escorts Kelly through the plastic wrap sealing off the kitchen and compares it to a vagina, cue the jokes about vaginal birth, but that’s where the fun dries up. Because then the conversation is all about the rebirth of Vicki Gunvalson and how Kelly shouldn’t bother trying to nurse her back to health.
Meghan warns Kelly that she’s the one who’s about to be duped, and to keep her opinions to herself for fear the wrath of the Shannonator, but Kelly doesn’t want to hear it. Vicki is suddenly her friend, and after two whole weeks Kelly has become Vicki’s savior. Kelly blames Meghan thinking everything’s about her because she’s a millennial. OK, so, what’s Vicki’s excuse?
Oh dear – times are tough when you’re Lady Dubrow. Heather is furious after learning that Terry scheduled a work trip on Mother’s Day. She complains that Terry is a total “Yes Man” when it comes to his career, but a total “No ma’am” when it comes to Heather or the kids. Well, perhaps that’s because Heather is a total “Yes, Ma’am” when it comes to Chanel? That closet ain’t provided by miracles!
As Terry is off cavorting, Heather complains to her assistant, then meets with her builder to tackle a pressing issue about onyx and what it hasn’t done for her lately (A: erect a bar). Cue the weekly sermon about how challenging, taxing, time consuming, and dramatic building her Magical Mansion is. That evening, as Heather puts the kids to bed, she regales them with tales of the media room featuring star lights on the ceiling and curtains like Oz. And soon, sighs Heather, looking around the drudgery of their rental, they’ll be free of this shack. If only they can find Terry long enough to give them the new address, that is!
Shannon decides to plan a 70’s party – God knows why – and host it at some venue with disco lights that seriously looked like the type of place Bar Mitzvah’s are held. Shannon is concerned about the theme incorporating such 70’s classics as TV dinners and bong hits. I imagine this homage to the 70’s will not feature key parties, free love, and swinging? #DownDavidDown!
Vicki picks up Briana from the hospital, and then she has to leave for work (don’t worry – the kids were with a nanny). Swollen limp nodes were restricting Briana’s lungs and there was infection in her stomach.
With all this happening, Shannon meets Tamra for lunch so they can talk about ‘The Trouble With Vicki.’ After ordering – compressed air lightly seasoned with moral superiority complex for Tamra, and a regretfully baked but salted chicken breast (the salt to rub into wounds) for Shannon – Tamra tells her all about Briana. Shannon’s reaction is just straight up “vile and disgusting.” (Uh oh – I said those words she doesn’t like, again! OOPS!)
Shannon is not at all sympathetic to what Briana is going through, then blames Vicki for moving Briana cross-country while ill and insinuates it’s because the house she bought her had “strings attached” since Vicki can’t be alone. Shannon even suggests that Briana wouldn’t be so ill if it weren’t for being separated from Ryan – also Vicki’s fault – then she callously picks apart how Vicki is dealing with Briana’s health. Shannon concludes by hollowly musing that it must be terrible for Briana and the boys. Does Tamra say a damn thing in Briana’s defense? Nope! She looks on, smirking like she’s biting back a giggle at Shannon’s brazen disparaging. You know, say whatever you want about Vicki, but what exactly did Briana do to Shannon? That was gross!
Shannon does have a softer side – albeit an ulterior motivated one! Since Vicki is dealing with her ill daughter and was once a friend to Shannon when she was the excluded social pariah, and because Shannon is “not mean girl” by her own definition, she decides to pity invite Vicki to her 70’s shindig. She asks Tamra to proofread the invite email she’s planning to send, which is sort of like asking one of the Power Puff Girls to dissect the intricacies of tone and subtly. The email is rude and snide. It basically says ‘I really don’t want to be your friend, but since I don’t want to look like a callous bitch I’m inviting you to this party. However, don’t get the wrong idea that I like you in any way, shape, or form. ‘
Tamra gleefully exclaims that Shannon has “twisted the knife” and then slowly pulled it out, and although she fully supports Shannon’s message she suggests softening it. I mean, Shannon doesn’t want to sound like the mean girl she’s not! Shannon edits the note to read, ‘Although we don’t have the friendship we once did, and we will Never EVER get back together because I do not like you Vicki I Am. I would rather chug green beer and ham with Nicole McMackin, but you can still come to my party because I am not a mean girl.’ Who’d turn down THAT invite?!
Seriously – Vicki, why would you come? That makes me think even less of you! And yes, Shannon you are a mean girl, who is also bitter, and the obvious unhappiness you constantly wear cannot be disguised with kitschy wigs and paisley bell bottoms, or washed away under disco lights. The light comes from within, and yours, madame, ain’t got no crystal glow! Isn’t that why Shannon and Vicki were friends in the first place? Unhappiness attracts unhappiness?
TELL US – SHANNON’S INVITE: SNIDE OR JUST BEING POLITE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
