Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New York headed to Miami. No one was very happy about it except for Luann de Lesseps who is eager for the opportunity to show off her amazing, transformational, earth shattering, soul mating love – again. Yes, I think the operative word is “mating”. With other Housewives that is! Which begs the question: are three Housewives better than one?
Since Bethenny Frankel‘s fibroids are acting up again, she couldn’t go to Hawaii, which means the entire trip must be canceled. That is some amazing Twatmatizing!
I understand why Bethenny doesn’t want to go, since sharks smell blood, but why can’t the other ladies go as planned? Bethenny can remain in NYC, get her surgery, and then launch Skinnygirl Tampons or something. We all know she doesn’t want to go, and none of the other women actually want her to go – except for maybe Carole Radziwill, who seems to have more fun sans Beth. Beth On/Beth Off – and Mr. Miyagi says you control your own destiny, Carole
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At this point Bethenny’s bloody vagina is like the 8th Housewife and its tagline should be, “I’m bloody everywhere and no one can stop me from leaving my mark!”
Maybe Bethenny, her fibroids, and Home Goods could do cross-promotional pillows? Or she can start vajazzling her fibroids? And because my mind is warped, whenever Bethenny’s bloody vagina is mentioned I hear it to the Oscar Meyer Weiner song… ‘My vagina has a first name it’s B-L-OO-D-YYYYYY…’ That is gross, I know, but I’m so bored of this topic! All Bethenny does is whine about fibroids like she has Chronic Lyme Disease stage-4 cancer, and invite select women over for tea which she makes in a Keurig. She’s like the consumptive little girl from The Secret Garden throwing tea parties for her imaginary friends. Imaginary being the operative word.
Dorinda Medley, official trip manager, calls a meeting to inform the other women that no one is getting lei’d, and instead they’re going to Miami. They try their darndest to take this news with a stiff upper lip, but Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan couldn’t contain their pissy-ness. Ramona, who got all “gussied up” at the makeup counter before lunch, has the ladies tittering about how she’s spending her afternoon. A lady never kisses and tells though – and nor does Ramona. Not even being told how fabulous she looks can dim Ramona’s disappointment about Hawaii.
While Ramona scoffs that Miami is not special, Luann is overjoyed and immediately gets on the phone to inform Tom that she’s headed back to Florida so their engagement party can commence, the ladies can attend, and she’ll be spending most of the trip with him. Ramona is confused because this is supposed to be a “GIRLS trip” and Tom isn’t a girl – although he’s had his share of the ones at this table! ZING. He’s been passed around more than the delicious low-fat meatballs they’re all sharing.
Truly though, I loved this lunch. The ladies were all ribald and hilarious and you can tell they enjoy each other’s company even though they fight.
Ramona and Sonja go shoe shopping with Jules Wainstein, who needs daytime flats for Miami. I’m surprised Ramona didn’t suggest lucite stripper heels – they elongate, pair perfectly with crochet! It’s like Girls Gone Wild meets crafting granny! While checking soles, they bare their souls over Tom. Ramona is perplexed because after Luann asked Sonja and Ramona to remain mum about their history with him, she informed the press. Furthermore Ramona cannot get over how Tom could date her, while simultaneously dipping his disco stick into Sonja, who he knew was Ramona’s friend. Then suddenly, he switches to Luann! Of course according to Ramona, Luann stole Tom from the collective group, adorned him with a statement necklace that read “Mine” and declared all things “BL” null, void, and otherwise deceased.
Sonja is trying to be diplomatic about Luann’s explosive happiness, which is like a Mardi Gras parade – over the top, overwhelming, and making a lot of demands that you show joy.
Later, Ramona, Dorinda, and Carole convene at Bethenny’s for a coven meeting, where Bethenny gets wind of the yacht engagement party featuring Sonja, Ramona, Luann, AND Tom all be trapped on one boat! I think the Titanic had a better chance of staying afloat… Bethenny cackles that Sonja is like a terrorist cell who detonate. Oh, Bethenny’s fibroids demand she skip the party but Carole will go as a spy on a reconnaissance mission!
Jules visits her parents in Boca. They are lovely and adorable, and very supportive of her drink Modern Alkehallik – which I think is also the detox Sonja is on – hitting stores. Unfortunately, they FaceTime Jule’s children and she learns Michael left them with the nanny. Jagger cries because he wants his dad to come back. Jules believed Michael would be picking up the slack – as she often covers for his ass when he’s ‘away’. Jules parents seem perplexed about what exactly is going on there.
Ramona is practically levitating through the airport on the force of her rage over Luann and Tom. Meanwhile, Sonja is wearing two hats – probably to both keep her head on straight and keep her cool about this whole impending disaster.
In the airport taxi, Ramona continues to vent about Tom how was “screwing” Sonja. Sonja takes offense to the term and gently interjects that she and Tom were “friends with benefits.” The loss of that special friendship wounds a small place inside the middle of her soft marshmallowy heart. (Points for getting the Veronica Mars reference!). Dorinda is quite disgusted by Tom triple-dipping in the Housewives pool – and truly with all the booze these ladies drink his peen must be pickled! “It’s just not right,” she exclaims!
Ramona is also furious that Luann broke the news to the press that Tom dated both her and Sonja. In the Berkshires wasn’t Ramona ranting that Luann KNEW she and Tom had gone on some dates since it was in the press? Now she’s mad that Luann told the press what they already knew, because Ramona likes to keep her relationships private?
Ramona eventually concludes Luann is a sex addict who makes everything seem hotter than it is, because she’s desperate. This diatribe right on the lucite heels of Ramona wanting to plan Lu’s engagement party!
Basically, Sonja wants to power through this weekend for the sake of Luann, who she considers a friend, despite. Ramona, on the other hand, wants to explode bull in a china shop style, and demand answers from Luann about when, where, why, and how she and Tom soul-mated as cross-referenced to when he and Sonja friends with benefits. Dorinda warns Ramona that she should not bring it up during the party.
Sonja is sort of living her whole life like the Goldie Hawn’s ‘After Overboard‘ character, Annie, except she’d prefer to have the amnesia about her ‘Joanna days.’ Now she’s stuck living in the drudgery remains of a fabulous life, and yearning for yachts bigger than Lu’s and diamonds more flawless, and proving she can still get it back! But, careful now – remember Joanna fell off the prowl of her yacht reaching for lost jewelry! Wisely, Sonja recognizes this party is not the time to have a nervous breakdown.
Jules arrives to Luann’s yacht, the S.S. Narcissist, and looks fresh and radiant in her bright yellow top – the color of hope. Hope that Michael’s heart is at the home they share.
Luann needs to stop with the red lipstick because it makes her look ten years older and looks like the stain of harlot-ism. The ill-fitting dress (featuring a dash of Ramona’s signature macrame!) isn’t helping either. Still, Luann’s delight cannot be dashed! She’s even overjoyed Carole is attending. “Everything is coming together now!” she gushes. I don’t think she meant that the same way I took it cause, yes – everything, or shall I say, everyone, is coming together; converging on one yacht to confront the ghosts of past, present, and future. Will the band play on?
At that moment, Ramona, Dorinda, and Sonja arrive. Luann is overjoyed and immediately squeals to Sonja “We got our yacht!!!” Oddly, Luann keeps inserting Sonja into her relationship – even joking that she’ll share a room with Lu and Tom. Apparently Luann’s euphoria is so big it can’t be contained to merely two people. Maybe they can be Sister Housewives! #SPINOFF
This is like a perverse Noah’s Arc: Carole and Bethenny, Dorinda and Jules, Tom and Luann, except poor Sonja realizes the double she got stuck with is Ramona. And their spirit species is the … Teletubby? (I think they both look fabulous, but Ramona’s posing does her no favors!)
Luann gathers everyone for a toast, and encourages Sonja to have “just a sip.” Ramona glares that Luann is a bad influence. “I like the new Sonja,” lectures the same-old Ramona, snatching the glass away, as Luann passes it back. But Sonja does have just a sip, explaining she needs all her faculties to deal with the awkwardness of the night. And probably to babysit Ramona. When it comes time for rooms, Ramona demurs that she’ll stay anywhere since everything is soooo nice, but then of course, she finagles her way into choosing her room first, under the guise of wanting to get her bathing suit on for the hot tub.
Ramona is as transparent as lucite platforms!
Ramona must be having hot flashes, or something, because she starts ripping off her shirt in front of the mortified porter, then when he returns with her suitcase, knowing he’s on his way back, she’s taken her pants off! Wearing only her shirt Ramona requests he unzip her bag because ‘her hand hurts.’ From what exactly? Too many good vibrations? Ramona declares that she’s having fun on this trip come hell, or high water.
Which means out comes Macramona, vixen of man-catching macrame and hussy-stomping platforms. How funny that on this boat, where Tom was upon them, both Ramona and Sonja wore clothing featuring nets and lairs. Like Sonja’s dress for the party with the bondage straps over her boobs.
While Ramona is changing, Dorinda warns Luann that Ramona has a plan to macrame her over the tabloid reveal, and when exactly she and Tom got together. Luann is undaunted – NOTHING can diminish her happiness. Not Ramona bearing her Singer Stinger, not Sonja knowing exactly what Tom’s stinger looks like, and not even top secret salacious texts.
Dorinda vows to stay out of it (yeah right!). She ain’t gonna say a word, not one word. She’ll just keep on simmering her sauce. Makin’ it nice!!! and zesty. Stirred to perfection. And when it stains – she knows a good dry cleaner!
Meanwhile, Bethenny has a plot of her own. Spilling tea with a woman she hired from Craigslist to play her friend, Bethenny pities the women over being trapped on that “ship of fools” without her – the life of the party. Bethenny probably didn’t attend because Luann refused to have her party sponsored by Skinnygirl.
Appppppaaaaaarently while Bethenny was in a fibroid coma, she received a text at 2:30 AM from an impeachable source proving Tom cheated on Luann. “I have to tell her,” Bethenny chirps gleefully. “The Luann’s Getting Married spinoff wedding might be called off!” Oh, goody – RHONY’s own personal Watergate!
First of all, how suspicious that Bethenny, who can’t stand Luann, would get this text. Secondly, the sender was probably drunk Sonja. So basically Hawaii was canceled so Bethenny could reveal this marriage-destroying information? Couldn’t she just Skype the bad news to Hawaii while the ladies celebrated their “Honolulu, The Bitch Ain’t Here!” vacation?
By the time Carole arrives on the yacht, Ramona is tipsy, Sonja is drowning, and Dorinda is barely keeping things at float. Yet Luann is still steering this ship to towards the iceberg!
Carole notices Luann’s wardrobe suddenly consists of all white. While getting ready with Ramona and Carole, Sonja’s lip trembles as she confesses that perhaps she did have deeper feelings for Tom than ‘Friends With Benefits’. Sonja is layering heartbreak here like the floors of Tom’s penthouse – she’s not even over her ex-husband, and now the shatters of her heart have to withstand the hairline fractures of Tom marrying Lu.
It was Tom who told Sonja he met Luann and really liked her, but Sonja kept their affiliation hidden for the sake of Luann. The real question is: Did Luann know Tom was boffing Sonja? Ramona believes yes!
Upstairs Luann is circling Tom like a shark, and can’t be away from him for two seconds. Does she fear that Bethenny’s texts will come true?
TELL US – DID LUANN KNOW SONJA AND TOM WERE ‘FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS’ WHEN SHE STARTED DATING HIM? SHOULD BETHENNY TELL LUANN ABOUT THE TEXTS? SHOULD HAWAII HAVE BEEN CANCELED?
I am sharing this because I love Ramona’s expression
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
