Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New Jersey featured the opening of Melissa Gorga‘s long-awaited Posche revenge, Envy. A boutique dedicated to the many-splendored stylings of Melissa’s own taste. Teresa Giudice also proved that her and Juicy’s love is as real as the prison cell that holds them!
Poison Gorga seems to be confused both about which century he’s living in and that his life is not a 1980’s movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. You guys, men with sprayed on muscles DO NOT take care of their own children – they are not babysitters!
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One kid was climbing on the massive dirt pile in their backyard (a beaver dam?!) with no shoes on, and then, mysteriously, their dog needed a bath. Joe frantically calls his MyLissa and barks at her that while she’s “dealing with clothes,” he’s got a multi-million dollar project being ruined because he can’t turn the TV on Disney to shut these kids up. Plus no one ironed the Italian Stallion’s underwear which are now bunched uncomfortably around his poison pistol and he can’t handle this crotchety situation! The world’s tiniest violin, the one which will fit perfectly in Poison’s finely-manicured microscopic hands, is playing a sad, sad tune and that tune is On Display.
Melissa tells him to “man up.” After all, she’s the one who stepped in the shit and dragged it into Envy – she’s got enough to deal with. Poison grouses about their contract stipulating she’s not supposed to work. Was MyLissa a mail-order bride who promised a strict adherence to subservience, pasta, and poison patrol?
Over at Envy things aren’t much calmer. Melissa has a manager who doesn’t manage, and she doesn’t seem to know how to delegate either. Good thing she has Jackie, the geriatric Carrie Bradshaw who can’t help but wondering how a tornado dropped her in Jersey.
Later Poison gives Melissa a supportive and encouraging pep-talk about how 8 out of 10 retail businesses fail, so when her little clothing business bombs she’ll always have his kitchen to return to. Melissa just wants to prove to Poison that she has the balls to run a business too. I dunno if I’d want to aspire to his balls…
Teresa’s attorney drives her into NYC to record the audio-book for Turning The Tables. People want to listen to hours of nothing but Teresa talking? That’s being sold to the CIA as an instrument of torture, right?
Teresa complains that she’s getting Google Alerts that she’s divorcing Juicy because he cheated… same old song and drunken Juicy dance. Teresa insists they are together cause they want to be. THIS IS TRUE LOVE and TRUE LOVE is like a turtle – always slinking back into its familiar shell.
While recording the audio-book Tereas cries reading passages about her 4 beautiful dawters, and confesses she worried Audriana would forget her while she was in prison. During the editorial meeting afterwards Teresa informs everyone about how SHE came up with the title, which is like a “metapoort” or whatever, cause she used to flip tables but, like, she’s changed and now sits on them. Everyone smiles indulgently then they show Teresa a photo from prison to be included in the book, and she laughs that it was after she took her “corn rolls” out. Yes, THIS WOMAN has written 5 books.
Meanwhile Siggy Flicker is stress eating french fries with Jacqueline Laurita. Parenting teenagers is hard. So Siggy decides it’s her duty to parent Teresa instead. Jacqueline warns Siggy that mentioning to Teresa that she read the Joe cheating rumors will not go over well, and that Siggy shouldn’t mention that she sought advice from Jacqueline either.
Dolores Catania has perfect children. Her daughter Gabby is taking the absolute opposite path from Dolores and is a straight-A, over-achiever graduating from college early, then Vet School. As Gabby bathes a guinea pig in the living room (?!?!?! – my mother would morph into Poison at that sight!), they talk about how Dolores was always told college is for boys, so she got married and started a family instead. “Every time I struggled I told Gabby, ‘This is because I don’t have an education.'”
I like Dolores. She admits her life warts and all. And even though she loves her parents dearly, she understands they were ‘old school,’ and didn’t always do the right thing, but it’s not something she resents them for. I like that she encourages her kids to be independent and be themselves. Hey – everyone’s kids are their guinea pigs and parenthood is one big experiment, right?!
Meanwhile Siggy has about as much control over her kids as Dolores has over Gabby’s guinea pig. Siggy’s daughter, Sophie, 13, has a room decorated in faux Chanel wallpaper with her name on it, and is trying to wear a crop-top and leggings to a party. Siggy freaks out that the shirt belongs on a toddler, then she shrieking runs down the hall to find her hickey-covered son ignoring her. Dolores admits she’s over-indulged her kids. Evidently, considering she’s like a leopard-print cyclone whose permanently in “Self-Destruct Tizzy” mode, running around and screaming. Then Siggy has a scuffle with her daughter over her cell phone, and it breaks.
Siggy can do love, but motherhood: a whole different animal. Maybe she should team-up with Poison. In fact, I think all the ladies should just adopt a stray Poison to make up for Melissa’s neglect. They can report her to Animal Control for animal cruelty and allowing a wild beast to roam the streets.
Siggy, Dolores, and their daughters meet Teresa and Gabriella for rock climbing. How cute is Gabriella! Teresa explains that it’s important to spend quality time with each of her girls separately, of course that quality time included Teresa wearing wedge-heeled sneakers and scaling a wall about as effectively as she de-scales Juicy’s toes.
When Siggy arrives the moms promptly ignore their girls, who are climbing, so Siggy can tell Teresa she read the tabloid rumors about Tre’s marriage, so if Teresa ever needs advice, Siggy IS a relationship counselor, and here’s her card and her office hours, and also Jacqueline told her Teresa would react badly to this confrontation, but apparently yoga has seized Teresa’s temper and turned it into a Flying Crow pose…. Siggy, dear, you so do not know Teresa! This patient understanding face was actually her ‘calm before the storm’ expression. Why do you think Gabriella stayed on that wall, climbing as high and far as she could go?
By the time Dolores shows up Teresa is on simmer and plotting what Fabulicious things she’s gonna do to Jacqueline in revenge. She’s so focused she slips and tells the ladies she’s forced to wear pants to the opening of Envy because of her electronic parole anklet, which the judge denied her request to bedazzle and dye.
Jacqueline and Chris are super broke and they’re now launching a new popcorn company called The Little Kernel. BLK Water didn’t fly off the shelves? They’ve tried to sell their house again and again, but the deal always falls through and they reveal they can barely afford to feed their dog fresh chicken! Luckily they still have Jacqueline’s boobs to squeeze like stress balls!
Chris has a meeting with his design team to view their mock-ups for The Little Kernel. Nicholas loves popcorn so this brand is being marketed to parents, specifically for kids with autism since they’re not supposed to eat gluten or dairy. Anyway, let’s hope this business pops off, because Jacs needs another face lift.
Finally it’s the opening of Envy. Melissa is a little misty that her father isn’t alive to see her accomplishment. Luckily for her Poison is there and so are all the ladies of RHONJ!
Jacqueline is squeezing into what can only be described as sausage casing, while Ashlee also gets ready. Ashlee is full of complaints about the sincerity of Jacqueline and Teresa rekindling their friendship and she criticizes Teresa for not ‘reaching out’ to see what Jacqueline was wearing but only texting to say she’d see her there. At Envy, Chris is nervous about his first Juicy sighting in over a year and Poison teases him that he’s afraid Juicy will beat him up. Did something happen that we’re not aware of? Do tell, Lords of Internet Gossip!
Juicy is skipping the blessing of Envy because it’s his grandmother’s 82nd birthday. Poor Gia is dragged along with Teresa instead and Gia is not happy about it. Once there everyone acts like Teresa is the second coming of stilettos and they must worship her anointment of Melissa’s hopeful fashion deity. It was strange. Everyone acts too happy to see Teresa, like in fear of unsettling her and awakening the beast of Tre-Hulk, which is only activated by Fabellini, Jacqueline’s voice, and tabloids. Kathy Wakile no longer has the affect of summoning it.
Kathy and Rosie now mean nothing to Teresa and she is “emotionally detached,” so she will be polite and civil. Excuse me… did Teresa undergo a partial lobotomy? We know she’s still the same old delusional, nothing’s my fault, nutso, but this whole ’emotional intelligence’ and ‘situational awareness in social settings’ thing is well… How long is she gonna be able to keep up this facade?
Despite complaining about Teresa being fake, upon sighting her Ashlee is all fake compliments and ‘Oh, so nice to seeeeee you…’ Chris suggests Juicy and Tre come over for dinner sometime. Chris misses Juicy, a man who’s always down for several drinks and some sausage. Oh, the things Juicy gets away with doing with sausage!
Somewhere in the street, lurks Kim D, her Versatche night-vision goggles trained on Melissa, her finger resting on the trigger of a paintball gun… But this is not her style. Kim’s no sniper from the side girl. That’s ImPOSCHEably boring! Instead she’s just waitin’ on Melissa to fall – which she will at just the right moment with Kim’s subtle push. Posche will not be unseated by this spurious usurper. Kim D has other tricks up her bedazzled sleeve.
Since Teresa and Joe have a lot of downtime, but no money, Teresa gives him a pedicure which makes him bleed. Go back to “camp” beauty school! While Tre was corn rolling in prison poor Milania was in charge of “Juicy Maintenance” – that has GOT to be illegal, too?
Afterwards they do some yoga, which consists of Joe dry-humping a prostrate Teresa, then standing awkwardly on his own hot pink mat. Teresa thinks yoga will really help Juicy like it helped her – and also, he’s flexible. Hey, maybe they can produce a Yoga For Dummies workout DVD?
After stretching Teresa has a heart-to-heart with Juicy about his alleged cheating and informs him she doesn’t care, then makes him begrudgingly announce that they’re married because they want to be. “I may have old school values, but if I didn’t want to be with him I wouldn’t be,” Teresa claims.
Then, randomly, Chris calls to invite Teresa and Juicy over for dinner, and Juicy flippantly accepts. Cause youse know – free wine!
Teresa seems a bit ambivalent about the invite. Hmmmm…
TELL US – MORE OUT OF CONTROL PARENTING: SIGGY, POISON, OR TERESA? DID JUICY CHEAT ON TRE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
