Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was about starting over, with new friends, new introspection, new babies, and new directions for the marriage that cut out the cancerous tumor and got brand spankin’ new cells! David officially decided that he really, really re-loves Shannon Beador for real this time and planned a surprise re-wedding. It was all very nice and lovely.
The marital travails of Shannon and David do beg the question: Can one completely ignore the past and acquire a new beginning? Is it possible to start afresh with brand new red bottoms, unsullied from scuffing along sidewalks trailing behind your husband’s secret life? Like a facelift, can all the old sagging skin of our former misery be lifted up into a permanent smile; a renewed face to face a renewed future?
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Per the mind of Shannon it’s the only way. Per the mind of David, it’s a big ol relief. What he’s really celebrating is not Shannon’s birthday, it’s that he got to eat his cake and Shannon’s too!
Speaking of beginning again, Meghan King Emonds is bringing her babies into the world in the wake of the apocalyptic meltdown of Kelly Dodd calling a room full of 40+ mothers bitches and c-u-next-Tuesdays. Can Meghan re-new Jimmy’s sperm and start afresh with her own batch of Mini-Jimmies to erase all the bad juju and stifling pretenses of ex-wives and step-mommism. In claiming her own piece of Jimmy’s genetics, can Meghan assert herself as the wife who ultimately tamed Jimmy Jazz Hands?
While the doctor is pondering which embryo is the best embryo is, Meghan is undertaking this journey to restore Jimmy’s virility all by her lonesome. Yes, the biggest question remains: Where In The World Is Jimmy Edmonds?! It’s golf o’clock somewhere, right!
The doctor shows Meghan a series of Rorschach Test-looking photos and asks her which one looks most like a baby. She stares at them for a second and tries to select the one which looks most like a penis because Jimmy really wants a boy. Unfortunately of the 4 viable embryos only one is a boy, but the poor guy is given only a 50% success rate – which is better odds than Jim and Meghan’s marriage, right?!
So according to RHOC, IVF is sort of like Build-A-Bear with babies?
Since Jimmy can’t be ‘involved’ in the flesh, Meghany Drew whips out her trusty iPhone (she has Jimmy on a GPS tracking chip with GoogleAlerts), so he can help determine which hopeful future baby to implant in her uterus. They decide to implant the healthiest female embryo and also the male – which could means twins! Meghan’s mom videos the implantation process. I guess this is how one goes about making whoopee when they’re married to Jimmy Jazz Hands Dad Jeans!
Speaking of, the doctor warns Meghan not to have intercourse for a week. As if that’s a problem, since it seems like the only thing Jimmy is sticking his face in is candles!
From Make Your Own Baby labs to Make Your Own Book labs, Heather Dubrow takes her daughter for some quality bonding time then totally ignores her to talk bitches and c-nts with Tamra Judge. Tamra, who found Jesus in the bottom of a Gretchen Christine Pocketbook one day, feels sorry for Kelly and wants everyone to have empathy for her obvious anguish and despair, but Heather isn’t sure. After all, Kelly displayed poor decorum!
Kelly, meanwhile, stumbles over to Meghan’s with a gift she was supposed to give to some little girl in Jolie’s class. Meghan is reclining in bed wearing Sally Jesse Raphael’s old glasses and lovingly stroking her embryo print-outs. If only babies smelled like candles!
Did Kelly bring Meghan a greek yogurt?
It seems like odd timing for Kelly to visit and discuss why she called Shannon the c-word over edamame and crab rolls, but according to a sobbing Kelly, Meghan will understand once she has her own daughter.
Since IVF apparently drives one to drugs – or maybe that’s Real Housewives? – a high on Valium Megahn lets Kelly know that she’s embarrassed to be her friend after the outburst, and also explains how Kelly is ruining her own reputation with that mouth. No one is gonna believe Kelly was a prostitute, but they are gonna believe her Whoop It Up meter went to 11 and she turned into a loose cannon on a tequila tizzy!
Kelly sobs some excuses about how she’s a homecoming queen who has never dealt with bullies and mean girls (because she IS the bully-mouthed mean girl), and then she promises she’ll make it right with Heather and Shannon. Uh-huh. You know who Kelly is, Kelly is a grown up ‘Michelle’ from Dazed and Confused. She’s mocking everyone and laughing through her tears as she guzzles booze into a stupor. And now, finding herself on the other end of the hazing is too shocked to accept that she’s made people feel this shitty her whole life. Kelly is messed up. Go figure she and Vicki Gunvalson are like flies to honey with each other. Cause you know we all hate them cause we ain’t them!
While Tamra is starting a support group to rehab mean girls, Shannon is at home waiting for David’s call. As always! And when it comes, it’s a gooder. David is surprising her with a birthday trip. Shannon has only 15 minutes to pack which is no small feat considering how many necessities it takes to cleanse her crazy. Shannon needs her 9 lemons, her portable crystal healing chamber, one colonic, a microscope to analyze colonic extracts, a magnifying glass to locate any lost colonic pieces, one epsom salt enema, a miniature of Dr. Moon, oh, and a WaterPik. Two things Shannon did not manage to bring was a bikini and some Xanax.
In the car Shannon, lists all the possible places David should be taking her. The Ritz?! Magic Mountain?! Closet Of Narnia? Never Never Land? Although even Shannon couldn’t predict the emotional journey she was about to take. David is actually bringing her to resort where they got married, and since David proposed on Shannon’s birthday the day has double significance.
In their honeymoon suite, David whisks Shannon into the bedroom for seven minutes in heaven. Which for those two probably involves a colonic tube. Then he leads her to dinner where an entire room full of Shannon’s friends and family leap out and yell “SURPRISE!” Everyone was there – even Jimmy Dad Jeans, who manages to make important events like his wife’s co-workers surprise vow renewal, but not important events like his wife’s planned knocked-up presentation.
Shannon is acting like the party is some sort of joke – like it’s all gonna disappear a moment later in a cloud of her own delusions and dreams, because she keeps wandering around shrieking “Are you kidding me?!” at each person. No, they’re really there! Actually Shannon’s monologue through the entire night was, “Oh my god! I don’t believe this! Are you kidding me?! Are you kidding me?! DAVID – I’M SERIOUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’m blown away! Thank you. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for re-choosing me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
Shannon’s party was like a game of This Is Your Life – absent one mistress and one Vicki. Even Jeff Lewis was there. I keep thinking this is the party where he and Heather had their issues, but maybe not since Bravo doesn’t seem to be showing any previews for it?
Meanwhile back in Orange County, Loser Leftbehinds Vicki and Kelly are the odd bitches out. At least they have each other and lots and lots of Whoop It Up juice. (Surgeon Generals Warning: may cause extremely shrill screaming, inability to accept accountability, hypocritical behavior, ‘netrocious’ friendship choices, delusional self-importance, questionable love tank fulfillment, immaturity, involvement in fabricated medical illness, name-calling, lacking in judgement but being being judgmental, plastic surgery overload, narcissism, confusion about Jesus, and poor use of alcohol).
Thus proving the ill-effects of Whoop It Up Juice abuse, after learning she and Vicki weren’t invited to Shannon’s surprise party, Kelly warbles, “They hate us because they can’t be us.” Um… well she got the ‘hate us’ part right, but I don’t think anyone wants to be Vicki or Kelly. Including Vicki and Kelly!
Over drinks – of course – Kelly tells Vicki about her marriage and Vicki, the wise, all-knowing relationship expert, counsels Kelly on the importance of staying together. The only way I would take relationship advice from Vicki is if I was trapped in a Bravo isolation tank where my only available contact was with Real Housewives and their perspectives.
Back at Rancho Santa Fe, Jeff jokes with Shannon that the next surprise is Vicki jumping out of a cake. Truly though I wish that HAD happened, but it didn’t. Instead David led Shannon over to an alter where a surprise vow renewal was waiting. “I would’ve worn a different dress,” bleats a shocked Shannon.
The entire party, plus their daughters, were there to witness David and Shannon reaffirm their love and commitment to each other. The ceremony was performed by Shannon’s pastor, not Tamra’s “pasture,” which must mean this is like the real-deal. The pastor was the first person Shannon told about David’s affair, and if it not for him they’d both be happily living their lives with other people instead of trying to shove a colonic tube down each other’s throats (botched ‘square peg; round hole’ metaphor there).
An ecstatic Shannon cries through the ceremony – because this public affirmation that David loves only her is what she’s wanted all along. David looks pleased with himself. He calls Shannon “his soul,” then re-kisses his re-bride, who immediately turns to lecture Sophie for stealing clothes out of her closet, then Shannon thanks the audience for attending. This was pretty much Shannon’s version of winning an Academy Award and her cry face SOOO beats Heather’s. Shhhhh.. don’t tell Madame Dubrow that Shannon is a better actress than she is!
Shannon is glad she and David took The Journey To The Center Of The Affair And Back. As Meghan informed us, in two years or less they solved all their marital problems and lived happily ever after (and for 6 easy payments of $19.99 you too can get the secrets of re-happying your marriage. Order now and special accompanying gift of a reality show documenting all your miraculous progress is yours absolutely FREE!).
OK, yeah I’m a cynic – wasn’t the last RHOC vow renewal done by Vicki and Donn? Premonition? Where’s Psychic Scott when we need him for readings – inquiring minds, like Kelly’s, want to know!
After the ceremony, everyone sits down to dinner where Shannon blows out 52 candles and receives David’s last surprise: a trip to Cabo! That’s where Vicki’s actually jumping out of a cake – then she’ll drag them both to Andales while screaming WOO HOO as they ride off into the sunset. Actually no, that’s where Jim finger-gunned shooting himself in the head when Meghan cheered that she might be having twins.
Feeling left out, Vicki did call Shannon to wish her happy birthday, and remind her once again that she like SOOOOO doesn’t want to be her friend, but they should still be friends, and Shannon should come to Vicki’s birthday party even though Shannon didn’t invite Vicki to the birthday party she didn’t know she was having!
Alright – David’s birthday surprise was amazing and very sweet. I hope he and Shannon live happily ever after – for real this time. And I never have to hear about The Affair again.
TELL US – DID YOU CRY OVER DAVID’S SURPRISE? SHOULD HEATHER GIVE KELLY ANOTHER CHANCE? WILL JIM EVER TAKE AN INTEREST IN MEGHAN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
