Like most people watching Real Housewives Of New York I want to be happy for Luann de Lesseps, but yeah… Tom is a rat and Luann’s delusion will do her no favors. Also, Bethenny Frankel‘s over-the-top emotions rang as faulty as Luann’s insistence that her love with Tom is butter, not margarine.
I still think Bethenny had to tell Luann, but I think the way Bethenny did it was calculating and nefarious. I still think Luann is an idiot for putting her heart and dignity on the line for an odious schmuck like Tom, who doesn’t even have the decency to do his bad deeds in secret like every other cheating spouse of a Real Housewife. Even Mario had more discretion – he at least chose some other-rate fitness emporium unfancy enough to meet the demands of Ramona Singer‘s hubris!
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No, Tom just got lousy fratboy drunk and made-out with some rando at the Regency. A place he regularly goes with Luann (and frequented by every other hob-knobbing elite). So, I understand why Luann was so shocked the make-out happened in that public. If Tom had done the deed in Guam, no one would know, that’s true, but even more true: he would have at least cared enough to be discrete about stomping Luann’s illusion into disillusion. If Tom had tried to hide it, it would’ve seemed a bit more respectful, strangely. Instead he treated Luann’s reputation like The Countess Collection knockoff of Armani and obviously displayed how little respect he has. I do believe there’s probably a chapter in CWTC (Class With The Countess) governing the rules of an affair. Doesn’t Tom have his autographed copy memorized?
Even worse, Tom was caught cheating by Dennis Shields Bethenny’s mysterious male friend, who Bethenny won’t reveal the identity of, the moment Luann’s back was turned. After 5 seconds of hand-wringing Luann, who’s always envisioned herself a vision in virginal white, decided to focus on the prize – a wedding – and forgive Tom his “mistake.” People make mistakes, after all! #sarcasm
After Bethenny texts Luann the incriminating photos, Luann is so distraught she can’t stand up and then ends up retching in the toilet while Jules Wainstein and Dorinda Medley hover nearby. Jules was wearing infantilizing overalls with a Seinfeld puffy shirt and I was actually distracted from Luann’s misery by trying to figure out what Jules had on. So, Luann should thank Jules for that fortunately timed unfortunate outfit, because I’m quite positive that in Chapter 4, Section 18, Paragraph 43, Footnote 2 of CWTC, it decrees that a lady never ralphs publicly, but discretely does so in a Chanel handbag, which is then passed discretely on to John Mahdessian, dry-cleaning glob god.
Basically Luann is sickened that the man she’s been defending and gloating over was caught kissing another woman the day before she hopped on plane to Miami to celebrate their engagement. Worse, he was caught on Bethenny’s watch. Timing’s a bitch, and Bethenny is its mistress.
Bethenny is hyperventilating, but Luann gets right to the business of sweeping everything under a monolithic rug called “GETTING MARRIED.” Bethenny needs Xanax, head- stroking, lullabies, and the soothing tones of Ramona weeping in Hawaiian-print shorts and a BumpIt!. Strangely it is only Sonja Morgan who remains reverently composed. Sonja was not surprised, given Tom’s history. After all, a lady doesn’t play bedfellows with a fellow for over a decade without knowing intimately how his pecker pecks!
Bethenny convalesces with her team of nurses, who counsel her gently through the heartbreak of having to tell a woman she despises that her man cheated. Ramona learned about Mario’s cheating through Page Six, so it’s better that Luann heard about it directly from a frienemy. Oh, and by the way, according to Page Six Ramona’s sources Tom has been running around NYC canoodling with women not the Countess the whole time she’s been in Miami.
With all this shock Bethenny needs a drink, and never missing a moment for self-promotion, demands someone hand her the Skinnygirl stat! At least she didn’t start quoting her relationship self-help book I Suck At Relationships So You Don’t Have To!
As Luann is crashing around like a Countess at a Tupperware party and Bethenny is moaning, bed-ridden, Dorinda, the Sherlock Holmes of drama, is quickly on the scene with a magnifying glass, a notebook, and a positive attitude. She wants a motive. Certifiable proof of time and place – after all Tom is sketchy, so these could have been photos from last week, last month, or of Sonja in a brunette wig from the year before. Dorinda patiently counsels Luann to get Tom’s story before doubting him. Maybe she was just being supportive. Or maybe she’s just suspicious of Bethenny? However, the pics are time-stamped, and Bethenny has done her due diligence.
Tom is away on business – so he claims – so Luann’s furious texts go unanswered. I’m sure he was letting Lu linger until he flipped through his Rolodex of excuses, settling on, “Was too drunk to remember.” and “Kiss meant nothing. I love only you.”
The most shocking integer in this revelation was that Luann was having dinner with Tom at the Regency mere hours before he returned to “the scene of the crime,” as Ramona put it, to get wasted and cheat! Is this man a narcissist or a nymphomaniac?! (Both?) Bethenny, being a thorough person in matters of others’ business, has dotted all the Skinnygirl ‘I’s and rounded all the Skinnygirl “s’s and n’s” by confirming with the manager and the bartender on shift that the culprit was definitely a drunk Tom, on that Wednesday between the hours of 10:30 and 12:15.
Bethenny also tells Luann that everyone knew before her: Carole Radziwill, because Bethenny had to confide in someone. Ramona, because Bethenny had to share it with someone she knew would blab. And since Ramona obviously blabbed, she immediately told Sonja, who is not surprised that the man who hopscotched from her bed to Luann’s, cheated a week and a half after popping the question. Sonja shrugs that, as Stevie Nicks has been reminding us for decades, players play and are only happy when they do.
Luann asks the women not to discuss the situation (as if they haven’t been talking ONLY Tom for the last 3 months), because she’s going to work it out with him. “I’m not going to let a kiss ruin the rest of my life. Tom is my life,” Luann gasps to Bethenny one minute. Bethenny nods wordlessly, through her tearless-tears. The next minute, Luann rasps, “I love him, but I can’t put up with this,” remembering Count Crotch-hound snatching round the world. All that changes after a few minutes with Tom on the phone.
Before a devastated Luann has time to process the devastation of Ramona knowing about Tom’s infidelity before Page Six, Tom calls her back.
Right in front of Bethenny, Luann demands an explanation and bellows at Tom committing infidelity “in public.” Bethenny is appalled that Luann is more upset that Tom’s betrayal happened in public. I get it – as I said above – not only did the man cheat, he had so little regard for his relationship and fiance that he blatantly did so in a place where they go together and where their friends go as well; it deepens the betrayal. For Luann, this is a the salt in the dagger wound.
Unfortunately, Luann decides they will stay together and “work things out” because she knows Tom loves her. And their relationship will last. So long as she continues to turn a blind-eye, that is! Initially the other women believe Luann is in shock (more like stuck on stupid!) and Bethenny and Carole are there like tragedy vultures to ply her with Skinnygirl vodka and phony support.
Bethenny sharpens the knife on Luann’s visible bone by suggesting Tom is also a big ole’ Housewives Hunter who is using her for money. Is Luann that rich?! Apparently Luann used all her money to buy Tom’s excuses. Maybe Sonja became her financial advisor?
When they’re finally alone, Carole and Bethenny realize Luann is now determined to prove to everyone that she isn’t a fool (by behaving like the ultimate fool) and Tom truly loves her. All Bethenny’s hand-wringing and devastation was for naught – Luann was always going to wade down the aisle of Tom’s false hopes and dangling dreams to grab at the hair of happiness.
This was reality TV at its realest, sadly. We really had to watch Luann grab onto her delusion and force it to see her through, while the other women made fish-faces in reaction.
Back in NYC, Luann isn’t as forgiving as she seems. She checks into a hotel to give herself time to think. Or scheme. Or provide the illusion that she is making Tom squirm. Luann’s line is that Tom is also devastated by his mistake. The over an hour long, younger brunette mistake he dove into with gusto as soon as Luann’s back was turned. Luann has even padded Tom’s drunk obliteration with self-blame, by now claiming they got into a fight, so he ran back to the Regency where a woman had a rattrap scented like grapefruit in her mouth waiting to be sprung.
Luann and Tom even tried to rope Dorinda into aiding them in a lie to ‘prove’ he didn’t cheat. Desperate, much?! Dorinda tells Ramona that Tom and Luann called her – FROM THE REGENCY, where they were putting on a happy and united front of being together – to insist she meet with the bartenders who could tell her Tom wasn’t kissing that woman, on that day, in that bar. Then Dorinda would dutifully report back to the other women. Dorinda refused. Ramona is aghast!
Bethenny, meanwhile, invites Carole over for artfully placed sushi while wearing white pants. How can a woman who bleeds so profusely wear all this white, and have all this white furniture, and lounge around in bikinis? This is illogical, but Bethenny rarely makes sense to me, so… like displaying sushi all fancy, just so Carole can come over to slurp edamame in a sweatshirt and shrug that she’s not surprised Luann will stay with Tom.
Bethenny apparently envisioned herself being Luann’s savior, preventing her from an embarrassing marriage and Bethenny-as-Kafka-esque divorce, making Luann forever grateful for being rescued from the the Tominator. Instead Luann is avoiding Bethenny’s texts, as if blaming Bethenny, who is now livid that she cared. Bethenny bitterly dismisses Luann as “such a whore” who cares more about people knowing Tom cheated than the cheating itself.
I call BS here. Bethenny knew in advance that Luann would care that others knew. Otherwise why did Bethenny go out of her way to make sure the whole world knew? Bethenny wanted praise and accolades, as well as making Luann blow up and explode into a harridan by blaming her. What I’m saying is that neither Luann, nor Bethenny look good here – although luckily for them Tom looks the worst! – and Bethenny, a woman who is constantly seeking self-promotion, has no business complaining about other people worrying about their public image.
Bethenny also has bigger things to worry about, like bribing her castmates with a piñata full of semi-precious jewelry (Luann’s engagement ring!) to attend the launch of some Skinnygirl drink.
Meanwhile Luann is going to self-counseling with Tom (which means talking it out between themselves), but still living in the hotel. Still she doesn’t want to attend Bethenny’s party solo, so she bums a ride with Jules. Jules doesn’t want to be anywhere with Michael alone so it works out. Sonja brings Rocco as her date – the man she forced to wipe his mouth on the remains of her past marriage. And Bethenny brought two barely-covered tennis balls that she calls natural breasts.
Dorinda received a special dispensation to bring John, who must promise not to wear cologne or look Queen Bethenny directly in the eye. Carole brought Adam, who has cut off his man-bun and let mommy take him shopping for a suit. They actually look adorable together, although Adam has shifty eyes. Adam and Luann manage a nice moment catching up while Carole defensively stands guard. Then Bethenny took away the only vegetarian appetizer available for him by barking that no one eats vegetarian ceviche and demanding the waiter not serve them.
The party is about what one expects from a Bethenny shindig – her over-selling everything, talking too loud, too fast, and too cyclically about how great she is for attention. She tells everyone over and over that the piñata is filled with jewelry, but they can only bang on it if they behave.
Luann wears black gown – she’s in mourning for her past reputation as a woman in love – and came only to confront Bethenny for meddling. Instead Ramona repeatedly accosts her to talk about how Mario cheated too. Luann is dismissive: Tom made a mistake; Mario made a mistress. Except the women all warn her – he’ll do it again, and again, and again…
Ramona is correct – Luann never wants to confront anything difficult. She even pretends she never tried to convince Dorinda to lie on her behalf. Bethenny deduces Luann has no self-respect, and is sorry she ever tried to copy her hair.
Luann is itching to confront Bethenny so bad she actually imagines hearing Bethenny talking about her and Tom. In reality Luann comes barging over to demand Bethenny stop talking about her, and is sorely embarrassed to discover Bethenny was actually bragging about her piñata, (and as Carole says Tom should have been the piñata!).
In other unfinished business, Bethenny still hasn’t gotten over Jules confronting her about her eating, and confronts her back. Nobody makes Bethenny look like the meangirl she is! Jules squeaks that Dorinda made her do it. Dorinda can’t even remember the original conversation, because it was about 23,000 martinis ago, even with Bethenny screaming in her face about making memories count. Just know: Bethenny is allowed to share all the insulting comments she wants because she has FEELINGS. Which she acts upon the same way my toddler does.
The whole thing made no sense, so Dorinda slunk away, giggling, to let Ramona wipe her sweaty pits while Bethenny made fake-sympathy faces at Jules, who rolled her eyes and tried to escape. Jules decides Bethenny has bad energy to her face and behind her back, so she wasn’t surprised that Bethenny was rude again, but at least she threw a nice party. Jules is too sweet for this show – all her zany silly gets lost in the shuffle of hissy-fits, histrionics, and hyperactive middle-aged dating dramas.
When Luann and Bethenny finally talk, Luann is visibly depleted. Why is she doing this to herself? She doesn’t look radiant and in love – she looks haggard and exhausted.
Luann has made her bed with Tom and now she will lie in it – even if she’s lying in it alone, staring out the Penthouse window into the desolate lights of NYC. She demands Bethenny stay out of her life and quit talking about her relationship because she’s marrying Tom! Bethenny is repulsed by Luann’s lack of self-esteem and Luann retaliates by reminding Bethenny that none of the men in her life will ever be perfect, and leaves the party piñata-less.
The other ladies stay to lament Luann’s situation and partake in the bonanza of fake, phony cheer of pretending to care about the micromanaged and orchestrated chaos of photo booths and janky jewels. Ramona is already preparing to regift hers – maybe to Luann for her next birthday?
TELL US – WILL LUANN GO THROUGH WITH THE MARRIAGE? DID TOM MAKE A MISTAKE ONE-TIME MISTAKE? IS LUANN MORE FOCUSED ON PEOPLE KNOWING THAN THE CHEATING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
