It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.
Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.
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I really just hoped James Kennedy would miraculously appear, like an apparition, clapping and jeering “PUMPTINI!” Like SUR’s apparition of the Ghost of Christmas Past – just perfectly illustrating how f–ked up the reasoning is of all these people, every time.
It all started because Lisa Vanderpump was tired of Katie Maloney dragging her childish drama to SUR and tired of Scheana being pathetic enough to join ranks in hating on Lala Kent, so Lisa asked O’ Supreme Mature One, Ariana Madix, to host a peace summit in the back alley of SUR – where else, but WeHo’s version of the UN headquarters – between Katie, Scheana, and Lala.
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I mean what could go wrong, right?
If you were imagining someone would be stuffed in the dumpster where they belong, you were kinda right – and that person was Scheana! First, Lala told a new cobbled story about her mystery man. This time she kind of went along with the married man rumors as a ‘dupe,’ (or decoy boyfriend), to take attention from her real boyfriend? This does not go over well with Katie.
Katie tried demanding Lala crown her as Queen of SUR, Lala offered to finger her instead. Considering that it’s debatable if Tom 2‘s d–k works…
Finally, Scheana – SCHEANA! – tired of staring at Lala’s over-lined lips, announces and, I quote, “I apologize for anything untrue I may have said about you.” Katie sat there with her lemon-face and said nothing.
Scheana thought that would be the end of that. Boy did Scheana think wrong.
In a way, Schenaa has brought all this ire on herself. She is wishy-washy and plays all sides of the group hoping that fence-straddling is hot in the Nicki Minaj kind of way, and she’s always been way too overly-eager to be accepted by and included in the so-called ‘cool clique’ – so much so, that she has repeatedly thrown her real friends by the wayside. She also has had to eat crow with Stassi, Katie, and Kristen Doute so many times, Scheana has started to resemble an emaciated sparrow, whose eyes are always darting around, while she skitters here and there, flapping her wings, but never taking off. So basically, I kinda get Katie and Stassi’s frustration with Scehana for not being ‘trustworthy,’ but their reason for getting so mad last night? Bogus.
As Scheana tried to explain many times, she offered an insincere apology to just move on and make things tolerable in the workplace. I believe we call that ‘grown up behavior’. Who would’ve thunk SCHEANA possible of it?!
Yet, since Stassi has NO JOB and NO LIFE (and no taste in fashion) she, in one of her atrocious mumu-minis, is loitering at SUR, scarfing fried goat cheese balls (the only balls in her mouth) and guzzling wine. Ostensibly, Stassi is there to ask Brittany Cartwright if she can interview Jax Taylor as a reformed bad boyfriend for her podcast. Sweet Stassi – her podcast is the zenith all single women depend on; providing hard-hitting, necessary, vital truthiness as she interviews her friends about cocktails and watching the Bachelor. #SUCCESS
Since Stassi just happens to be at SUR anyway, she notices Katie in the back alley, where Katie all-too gleefully fibs that Scheana apologized to Lala. Stassi decides Scheana has betrayed them all, so off with her head! What about KATIE being the bad friend who betrayed Scheana? Also how funny to see ‘old Katie’ instantly crumble beneath Stassi’s rage when Stassi started interrogating her about the Lala conversation.
First, Stassi rampaged-texted Scheana, then shortly later, Katie sent Scheana slew of texts calling her a “repulsive” piece of shit and a bad friend. So at this point I’m REMOVING MYSELF from your bridal party. But I’m not Scheana, who is like the lint permanently attached to your sweater.
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Katie is 100% in the wrong here. She lied to Stassi and indicated it was Ariana who initiated the Lala talk. Katie knew full-well it was Lisa, since Ariana said that. Also, as Scheana pointed out, it wasn’t until Katie got a few drinks and a few hours of Stassi in her that she had a problem with what happened back in that alley. Now, I think Katie was always puss-faced annoyed like her lip job leaked, but instead of being mature (ha!) enough to confront Scheana about it right then and there, she waited until she had Stassi behind her to say anything.
I’d feel bad for Scheana, except she threw Ariana into the SUR dumpster in the exact same way. There’s another conundrum here: Stassi is doing a birthday trip to Montauk and now Scheana isn’t sure if she’s still invited, and she hasn’t been invited on Ariana’s birthday trip as a back-up. Because why would Ariana invite her non-friend who would rather unify herself with a harridan of mean girls than think for herself?
Sadly, Scheana has to turn to JAX for advice. Man, that’s a low place to find yourself in, huh?
Jax is prepping himself for Stassi’s podcast when Scheana stops by to complain that Katie, Kristen, and Stassi are basically one idiot sharing a half-cocked brain with vodka replacing the spinal fluid.
Jax is not at all surprised that the three-headed she-beast of StasKaKrit has reared its ugly head again. Brittany doesn’t seem to know what to think because A) I’m pretty sure her brain just features a digital display announcing Hooter’s specials; and B) she’s preoccupied with Jax talking to Stassi unsupervised.
The funniest part was, after KATIE sent Scheana all those horrific texts, Katie decides they “need to talk about Scheana’s behavior.” Scheana has other things to worry about though – she and Kristen are throwing a joint surprise party for Shay and Carter, so Scheana is not letting that drama ruin HER party.
Um, Shay is a recovering alcoholic, yet you throw him a surprise boozy pool party for his birthday? MMMMMkay…
I also find it hilarious that Scheana’s biggest quandary in all of this is not, ‘How did I find myself with such terrible friends – what does it say about me that I chose these people after ditching my true friends?’ but ‘What if I’m kicked off Stassi’s birthday trip, without being invited to Ariana’s first? And what if Katie kicks me out of her wedding?’
Meanwhile, at Katie and Tom’s, they’re on the phone with their wedding planner while Stassi listens in the background. On the spot Katie doubles their wedding budget to $50k while Tom gropes blindly for his balls. *Dude they’re gone – Kristen’s hiding them in her new mini purse! Tom is super upset that Katie upped the budget without discussing it with him first, but she just sulks that he better find a way to get her what she wants and suggests he google the cost of a wedding. OMG SHE’S SO HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kristen arrives and the three-headed she beast eviscerates Scheana behind her back for being a shitty friend. Tom 2 watches on; watches his life slide slowly down the vortex towards hell and Lala’s words come back to haunt him: that she’ll f–k him once his marriage to Katie ends. Tom, you could expedite that by calling the engagement off… Let’s be honest Katie really only wants to be in a relationship with Kristen and Stassi – they make her her best self! (SARCASM).
Next, we see Stassi at ‘work’ – aka meet Jax in a bar to give him a Buzzfeed ‘Are you a sociopath?’ quiz. Naturally he fails, but Stassi quickly assuages his bruised ego by pointing out that they’re all suffering from serious mental issues so he’s in good company. That is the WORST consolation prize I’ve ever heard of, by the way! Also, Jax explains that men ‘cheat down,’ which dang that’s a real burn on Kristen! (and Tom 1). ZING!
Interestingly, Jax, the friendly neighborhood sociopath, tries to do the right thing by telling Stassi that she’s hurting Scheana’s feelings because she feels ganged up on by her so-called friends. Jax also warns her not to cause problems at Shay’s party. Again – it’s that cold day in LA.
On the day of Shay and Carter’s party, Katie, Stassi, and Brittany show up early to help Scheana and Kristen set up. The Three-Headed She-Beast pointedly ignores Scheana while blowing up a mini wading pool and filling it with margarita and straws. Sanitary by SUR!
That pool wasn’t the only thing they inflated! They also inflated all the reasons why they’re mad at Scheana. Now… she’s betrayed Katie by groveling to Lala, inviting her out to lunch, and adding her on SnapChat. Even though Lala has been trying to sleep with Tom 2 behind Katie’s back and offered to buy him a Range Rover and a LV Pouchette. And POOR, POOR Katie – the innocent victim, the sweet child persecuted by the hussy hoe-bags and liars of L.A. Thank goodness Stassi and Kristen have her back!
Stassi is further incensed that Scheana has been “telling everyone” they ganged up on her and none of them can think for themselves. Truth hurts! I’m still confused about what exactly Lala even did to Katie and Stassi that is so atrocious, but now I’m also stuck trying to decipher what exactly Scheana did that was so repugnant – oh sorry, “repulsive.” So much schadenfreude, it’s resembling US politics.
I would like to remind everyone that they were attending a 30th birthday party. As in 3-0, not 3, not 13, but THIRTY. As in grow the f–k up. Adulting – get some!
Moments after Shay and Carter walk through the back gate with bags of ice to get ‘surprised’ by the surprise party that wasn’t a surprise, the drama begins. Kristen corners Scheana to insists she can think for herself and accuse Scheana of making things worse for herself by going to Jax.
Kristen brags that she’s ‘the mom’ of her friend group. That explains so much because she needs to have CPS called on her. Like now. #ElderAbuse #WomanChildEndangerment #AnimalCruelty
In the pool, the Toms and Jax watch as the three-headed beast circles each other, feeding on its own ego, becoming engorged and bloated on their own trumped up superiority. Jax has flashbacks of dark days of the past, when their meager world was dominated by this bitchy bloodbath. Silently, both Tom and Jax each place a hand on each of Tom 2‘s shoulders and just rest it there for a moment – for he alone is inheriting all three-heads of that beast. Katie and her sister wives will soon be in his bed, and he will find himself under it, smothered under the weight of pacifying. Poor Tom 2 – so mild and meek, he couldn’t escape when Tom 1 and even Jax did, but then again Jax is a sociopath according to Stassi.
Yes, somehow Katie and Scehana’s argument about Lala has become all about Stassi. And it is so important to Stassi she causes an enormous scene at the party and drunkenly screams at Scheana and Ariana before crying on the floor of a bathroom and then screaming at Scehana again. It was SO EMBARRASSING. And I loved it!
Scheana has been going around the party crying to everyone about being iced out – completely ignoring Shay all the while. Tom 1 makes it worse when he enacts his revenge by explaining that even IF Scheana is fired from Stassi’s birthday trip, she can’t come on Ariana’s either because the NASCAR guest list had to be made in advance (apparently NASCAR has higher standards than the Hamptons). Poor Scheana may be stuck in L.A. all by her lonesome with no one but Shay to hang out with.
At some point, Stassi stumbles over to ‘talk’ and starts berating Scehana for begging Lala to be her friend. Scheana is tired of telling Stassi the obvious, “YOU WEREN’T THERE,” so she asks Ariana to come over and explain. Ariana emerges from the pool “like a mermaid,” according to Stassi, descending upon this mess with reason, grace, and eloquence that Stassi cannot handle so she screams that the conversation is over and storms off.
Katie finds her sobbing on the floor of the basement bathroom that Scheana is guilty of heinous betrayals and Stassi was ambushed trying to defend poor Katie. When Scheana comes downstairs to receive her punishment, she tries in vain to explain herself but it’s pointless. Just so you know – everything that ever happened to Scheana and Stassi is Scheana’s fault. Well, at least Lala is off the hook!
Scheana does ask a pointed question: if everything is so perfect in Katie’s life why is she so unhappily descending down the Tequila Katie path?
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]
