Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: When Bad Girls Go Good

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reminded us that there is a good side to every Housewife, or wannabe Housewife.

“Mother of the year” Lisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.

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I think it is adorable that LVP and Ken plan to honor Max’s adoption anniversary this way. I hate to think of what will become of that beautiful $5,500 sofa, because deep in my heart I expect it will become James Kennedy‘s next hovel. I suspect Lisa knows this too, but since LVP has a heart and likes to give back to those in need…

Lisa is in a decorating mood this year. She also bought Pandora and Jason a gorgeous home, and completely redecorated it in pink, pastel, and white linen. We got the grand tour on Vanderpump Rules; it was stunning. For a recap of Pandora’s beautiful abode being smeared by the awful stains of bad humans, while the dogs didn’t do so much as a teeny wee on the carpet, click here.

Lisa Rinna has skeletons in her closet that must be confronted. Those skeletons are her long-dead words about Kim Richards, which were unburied by one meddling, prying, thirsty Eden Sassoon. Give that woman a smoothie, already!

Eden and Lipsa meet for a ‘walk,’ which means a sit-down confrontation in a park. Lipsa lays it all out on the table – she doesn’t remember saying Kim was “near death” or any of those other things. But more to the point, she’s disappointed that after confiding in Eden, she ran right to Lipsa’s arch-nemesis LVP. Just like the little teapot, Eden got all steamed up by LVP’s attention and poured Lipsa’s burning words right out.

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Eden claims she’s not a trouble-maker but she is exactly that. She’s desperately seeking acceptance, and when she doesn’t get it, she lashes out. Eden got butt-hurt that Kim and Kyle Ricahrds weren’t receptive to her meddling, and instead of confronting Lipsa about feeling ‘bamboozled’ by her request for help, she tattled to the Mother Of The Year LVP, who put Lipsa in the corner. Literally.

Clearly Lipsa regrets her loose lips – they do sink friendships! – but Lipsa has a right to feel betrayed by Eden, a woman she thought was becoming a friend. She opened up. Eden used it against her. That was a mistake! (Just like that ‘model citizen’ Eden is dating over the phone…)

Obviously, Lipsa knows deep down, in the back of her throat in places perhaps only Harry has ventured, that she said those things. Just like Camille Grammer knew all those years before that Kyle said it. And, I absolutely hope it takes Alison DuBouis and Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick to unlock the truth. Honestly, Bravo should pay me to therapize* these women. *Yes, I made that word up.

Well, anyway, nothing was resolved in Eden and Lipsa’s chat. Lipsa wants to keep her guard up around Eden, and Eden is adamant that she speaks only the truth and was right to put it out there.

Kyle meets Kim for a little shopping. Kyle bursts Kim’s bubble over softening cervixes in preparation for the baby she and Brooke are about to birth by telling her how Lipsa gossiped to Eden that Kim is near death and not sober, and said Kyle is an enabler – “whatever that means.” That right there illustrates how Kyle IS an enabler: because she won’t be honest with Kim. She has to maintain the family-line, no mater how disingenuous, or risk emotional consequence.

Kim is predictably enraged that Lipsa is obsessed with her. Kyle vows to get to the bottom of what was said by whom, and discover who was lying.

Can’t we just make Kim disappear into a sea of fluffy dresses like The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe? She can snuggle werepuppies and play the queen of Witch Mountain to the enabled subjects of her delusion.

Maybe Kyle could give Kim a job on the American Woman sitcom she’s producing? Yes, we saw Kyle on-set, fingering the wardrobe rack and retreating back into her own revisionist memory that her mom was a lovely and devoted woman who didn’t illegally demand her 13-year-old drive herself to casting calls. To channel the 70’s accurately, of course, there will be scenes of ‘pretend blow,’ which Kyle insists never happened in the Studio 54 of youth. Yeah, OK… All this prompts Kyle to admit her sisters were really mad about what the show might expose. Poor Kyle – stuck between a diamond and hard place that’s not platinum: either no Rosthchild weddings for you, or continue to live a lie!

Can we talk about that awkward as hell lunch Erika Girardi had with Tom? Why is she endlessly thanking him for her existence? She’s a completely different person around him, but not in the relaxed, refreshing way LVP is around Ken. Erika is one hell-o of a glamorous trophy wife (and swears she used to play the part successfully) but around Tom she acts like some beseeching concubine who must constantly remind him how he’s on a pedestal. I guess that’s why absence makes her heart grow fonder – Erika can only be herself when Tom is on a private jet headed to the Library Of Congress. Being that Expen$$$ive doesn’t come cheap, clearly. Although I do think it cheapens a part of your soul.

OK, well some good happened. Lipsa is being honored by Project Angel Food for the 25 years of service she’s done with the charity that brings meals to those who can’t leave their homes. I never knew this about Lipsa, and I think it’s great! Apparently, Lipsa is a regular volunteer in their kitchen, despite not even knowing where she keeps flour in her own garage. She invites all the women to a service day preparing meals. Shockingly, they all managed to hitch their big girl panties up and behave. Even Eden is invited because she donated $2,000 to the charity.

Anyone else surprised the ladies didn’t have gem-studded, cashmere hair nets that matched their outfits? Especially LVP…

Kyle, Dorit Kemsley, and LVP were an hour late, however, because they couldn’t get LVP’s gate open, which Lipsa seems to think is a hilarious euphemism for something? But when they arrive, they bring the awkward with them. Kyle complains about why Eden is there given that she and Lipsa are supposedly in a fight. This makes Kyle think something is up. She’s over-thinking and morphing into last season’s Lipsa or Eileen Davidson, thinking there is deeper evidence of manipulation and menace hidden in the pocket of every Birkin.

The head chef tried to cover Kyle‘s stink face by putting her on tilapia-scooping duty. He was seriously trolling her! First she was separated from gossiping with her friends to scoop a fish she’s never heard of, then Kyle was placed in the granola section beside Eden. Kyle then had to admit that she didn’t want to actually speak to Eden, while Eden made loving eyes at Kyle and tried to caress her with a granola scoop (Ok, I exaggerated that part. Kinda.).

Whispering over washing zucchini, Erika informs LVP that she doesn’t trust Eden or her meddling into the endless Twisted Sisters Richards drama. LVP thinks Eden is just a “wounded bird” who needs love. Has LVP never seen The Birds? Eden will turn on you and peck your eyes out – just ask Lipsa!

Afterwards, Lipsa thanks the women for pulling together for a cause, then she mentions that they need to have a sit-down at some point. Even Kyle begrudgingly acknowledges that she and Eden must communicate.

But first, Eden visits Dorit. Dorit is at home in ‘mom-mode,’ which means wearing a $2,000 pair of Kanye (probably) ripped sweatpants to crawl around the floor with her kids. I bet the nanny was holding up cue cards in the background with step-by-step instructions on how to interact with toddlers.

From Eden, Dorit learns that Lipsa and Eden talked, and Lipsa still insists she doesn’t remember saying all that stuff about Kim. This baffles Eden. Dorit proposes that perhaps Lipsa was in an “altered mental state”? Like maybe she was on pills?

Then, it’s time for Lipsa to receive her first award like ever! Ironically she’s given wings for being an angel. Satan is confusing!

Most of the ladies are attending the awards ceremony, but not Eileen, who skipped this entire episode to deal with gastrointestinal distress (did Kyle prepare tilapia for her?!), then pink eye, which means she’s not allowed to wear makeup. Lipsa is sympathetic because there is no way she’d let anyone see her without the protective cover of warpaint either.

LVP begged off because her nephew is in town, although Lipsa believes she’s skipping for more sinister reasons. Erika is busy hiring a Goodyear Blimp to spell out “Thank You For Paying For Me Loving Me Tom Girardi,” which will be shading his private jet so he can view it in the air. Anyway, she can’t be there either.

But Dorit, Kyle, Eden, and Camille make an appearance. In the limo, Kyle and Dorit discuss two important topics: Alaia and also what Eden said about Lipsa. They are no further to the fringes of truth, so it’s better to focus on the things they can control: fashion.

Lipsa spends most of the awards ceremony doing gushing over-kill about Harry. Why is she constantly selling her marriage? WE GET IT – Harry Hamlin doesn’t DO any horrible things. Maybe his deep, dark secret is that he wears Depends?

Over dinner, Kyle picks at Eden with a barrage of snarky comments about what an idiot she is for having a “spiritual relationship” or “soul connection” with some weirdo former model she met on Tinder. Eden interprets this to mean that Kyle really does care about her after all! I think Kyle was relishing in the fact that she could get away with being a little bitchy, but Eden is so desperate and gullible it took all the fun out of it, and made Kyle feel mean.

Lipsa takes the stage to receive her award and hilariously admits she’ll probably never be honored for anything again. More like dishonored when she has her “epiphany” that she did say all those things about Kim and must “Own it!” Which I actually am glad she’s going to.

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Seeing Lipsa’s speech also prompts Kyle to have her own epiphany about Lipsa. That Lipsa, like all of them, is a total contradiction. Yes, she shoots her mouth off and then regrets it, but she’s a good person and a lot of fun. Once again Kyle is trapped between a diamond and hard place – will she choose loyalty to her family’s delusion or will she forge her own path?

Also, I confess I’m still trying to see the good in Kim Richards, so I’m gonna settle on her makeup didn’t look completely cracked out in the shopping scene with Kyle.

TELL US – WHO’S IN THE RIGHT – EDEN OR LISA RINNA? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]