Last night’s season finale of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was brought to you by the words “wow” (somebody stole Maruicio’s G*d-D*mned word!) and “inherently.” And everyone was mad at Dorit Kemsley or Lisa Rinna. Or PK – which duh.
The point of Lisa Vanderpump‘s party was less about rose and more about settling squabbles and investigating motivations. Is Erika Girardi “cold” or was she merely hurt by Dorit? Is Lipsa trying to hide something that caused her to lash out at Dorit? Did a golden goose poop on Dorit’s head or was there a golden feather in her cap?
The “Amnesia Season” came to an end with the women bickering dressed like Barbies. It was amusingly perfect because basically every argument was made of plastic and came from Hong Kong. Eden Sassoon wore a freaking bridal gown from the Disney Princess Collection, stayed up way past her bedtime, ate too many sweets, and then threw a tantrum!
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Lipsa bops around the party, almost flippantly, to all the various people who can’t stand her, then laughing too loudly in their faces, and saying “wooooow.” For all the people she’s bothered, Lipsa appeared nonchalantly unbothered.
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With so much drama in the B, it’s kinda hard bein’ Lisa L-I-Double-P. She kinda likes it that way – coming up with crazy ish every day. Yeah. Lipsa’s rollin’ down the street, buying shoes, sippin’ on ‘Xax and Smooth. Laid back (with her mind on her QVC money and her QVC money on her mind). To quote Snoop, “Raise up off these N-U-Ts, cause you gets none of these.” Lipsa says LVP has no power over her, but maybe she ought to let LVP take over – since Rinna seemingly has no power over herself! She’s a hot mess of impulsive outbursts, crazy mood swings, and TMIs about birth canals and pies and butt waxing.
I do agree with Dorit and LVP, there is something sort of likable about Lipsa. Inherently likable? The gist of it is that she’s a great acquaintance – a fun laugh at a party, but do you want her to be your bestie? Well, ask, Eileen Davidson.
Dorit wonders, though, if Lipsa is actually crazy – like a nutter, who perhaps has multiple personalities, because when you crack that nut you never know what’s inside! Will it be Lisa or Lipsa? Dorit attempting to solve the mystery of the real Lipsa while wearing a candy wrapper on her head was actually kinda fun. Especially while Erika solved for why Dorit thinks she flashed PK on purpose while wearing a My Little Pony wig. It took us like 18 episodes to arrive here, but arrive we did. And the drapes do not match the carpet.
Erika always has to take it up a notch. She can’t just wear giant hair and diamonds. It has to be a pink mane. Then one of LVP’s ponies bit her. HA.
LVP and Eileen have bonded-ish over loving dogs, being humans, and possibly, I dunno, manipulating drama from a distance. Are they dueling for the controlling interest in Rinna? Perhaps.
While everyone is mad at Lisa, she’s only annoyed with Eden, because it was Eden who tattled that Dorit was spreading the Xanax gossip, yet Eden didn’t defend Rinna in Hong Kong. Eden whines that she’s not a troublemaker, but yeah, she is. And a nutter as well. She acts all zen with Dr. Eden, but it’s nonsense.
Preparing for battle, Dorit wore her special gilded toupe to LVP’s party, which looked like a swim cap you’d find at a prince’s palace in Dubai, and her hair looked weirdly wet, too. What Dorit really needs is one of Yolanda’s treatments to remove metallic toxins because Dorit is feeling very off. Hong Kong left her depleted, exhausted, and confused. So confused, she turns to Rambles for advice in dealing with Rinna.
Dorit and Kim wonder if Rinna is projecting-for-protecting? Was Kim right all along… is there something in Lipsa’s marriage that she’s trying to hide (She is bored and Harry Hamlin would rather stare at his own reflection while listening to himself talk than attend QVC tapings)?
Alas, Rambles, the poor victim, has been there. Then Kim goes all around the party, waving her e-cigarette and showing off photos of her grandson, laced with how much she hates Lisa. Obviously, Eileen had to get involved, because that’s what Eileen does. Actually I like Eileen. I mean, she has her moments. Like when she told PK “just stop” and called him out for being rude. Thank you. But generally, Eileen needs to drink a Xanax Smoothie, pet a pony, and chill with the mother hen routine. LVP will call you when she gets pink glitter chickens. You know that’s coming next, and they really will lay golden eggs (just preferably not on Dorit’s head).
I actually feel about Dorit, the way Dorit and LVP feel about Lipsa: There’s something about her that’s likable (but is she inherently likable?), but she’s also somewhat untrustworthy and inconsistent. Do I like Dorit, or do I don’t Dorit? To Dorit or Not To Dorit? (Definitely not PK).
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I know that I do not LIKE Lipsa, but I think she’s a great villain. And I really REALLY DO NOT like Kim Rambles Richards, and her pathetic PERSECUTION BY LISA RINNA crusade is just, well, pathetic. Go home and introduce your grandson to your werepuppy, and please do not try to evoke the names “Yolanda Foster” and “Brandi Glanville” attached to any attempt to gain sympathy for all the ‘innocent’ people Lipsa has wronged. That’s like saying oh, well, Martha Stewart is totally being bullied by Gwyneth Paltrow, as in they’re both so terrible it doesn’t matter. (OK, so I secretly love them both, which is so not how I feel about Brandi or Yolanda).
Well, anyway, I like Dorit and I don’t. Dorit doesn’t back down. That I appreciate. She articulates herself well, and she doesn’t yell or insult people in conflicts – she remains composed. What I don’t like is that she does start a bunch of shit, then denies it or claims she can’t remember, but she apologizes regardless in some trumped up Housewife way of “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt…”. It’s basically the same thing Rinna does; after getting called out, she “owns it,” and it sounds all sincere, but then she does it again.
While mingling, Lipsa overheard Dorit, Kim, LVP, and Kyle discussing her. Erika tried to get her to go over, but instead Rinna told Eileen, and Eileen immediately summons Kyle for answers. Quickly it is discovered that Kim heard from Dorit about what happened in Hong Kong and it’s given renewed fervor to her vendetta. HA – this proves Lisa wasn’t really sorry when she apologized to Kim! Cause it’s about Kim how?
LVP encourages Dorit to go address Lisa, which turns into a tribunal of WHAT LISA HAS DONE. Instead of letting Dorit have her moment – and I think Dorit was really holding her own! – Kim and LVP try make it about what Lisa has done to them, but Dorit will not be driven off course. Thankfully. Dorit has a quest to find out why Lisa can take her innocuous questions about possible Xanax abuse and elevate them into salacious rumors about her marriage and dinner parties! In response, Lisa tries to make it about what Dorit has done to Erika. Cause “deflection” – thank you for that psych word Kyle. Have you been attending Dr. Eden‘s seminars?
While arguing, Dorit and Lisa were both sort of veering into each other’s faces, but Lipsa got too close and Dorit had a scary flashback to finger-in-your-face-Hong Kong! The poor love – she’s been up close and personal with enough Housewives: patting pusses, piles of pills… and declared, “If I can smell your breath – you’re too close!” Lisa said, “Wooooow.” That’s when Dorit realizes that Rinna is basically just a “real f–king nutter.” And that’s that. Nuts give you energy, though, which Dorit needed for round 2000 with Erika over pantygate. LE SIGH.
Does Erika, honestly, truly, believe PK and Dorit think she flashed them on purpose? Obviously, PK’s offhand comment about that was lewd, gross, and beyond inappropriate, but Erika can’t possibly believe they actually believe this, right?
Dorit blames Eileen for running pantygate through the wash over and over again, mixing her intentions with the wrong load, and making Erika think she ruined everything on purpose. Then PK finds himself surrounded by women and TV cameras, and it was as if he’d died and gone to heaven.
This argument between Erika and PK was just ridiculous. Besides the fact of why was PK even involved, it went from panties, to whether or not Erika is merely cold or “inherently cold,” back to panties, to whether or not Dorit apologized – Erika doesn’t remember OF COURSE, back to whether or not PK and Dorit believe Erika was flashing them on purpose, to whose fault it is that Erika is cold and who is rude. Finally, Eileen told PK to “just stop” and he apologized to Erika over panties.
With that, Erika and Dorit FINALLY had a sincere moment where Erika admitted her feelings had been hurt, but instead of being bad-ass and pussy power enough to confront her feelings, she projected inherent coldness onto Dorit. And Dorit was able to acknowledge that she mishandled the situation and make Erika understand that it most certainly was unintentional.
Sheesh – Erika is the new Eileen. Accept the apology and move on! Still, it was nice to see Erika and Dorit end on a good note, and perhaps take the tentative steps towards a possible friendship.
Just when it seems all the drama has been laid to pasture where the ponies poop sparkles, Eden decides she muuuust let Lipsa know how she feels abandoned. Unfortunately, the moment Eden tattled to LVP about the Kimmess, Lisa decided she was “DONE”!
Eden wanted Lisa to stroke her little tutu-covered ego, wipe away her tears, and let her know that everything would be ALL RIGHT. But in Lipsa-Land, it’s every gangsta for herself. Eden’s zen evaporated immediately. She feels sooooo betrayed! She gave Lipsa EVERYTHING, and all she got in return was Lipsa being a bitch!
Ugh – that whole tirade seemed fake, like Eden realized the clock was about to strike midnight and she had to do something dramatic to create a lasting memory before fleeing into the night and turning back into a lowly ‘Friend of the Real Housewives.’ There was no actual emotion despite all her yelling about heartbreak. Obviously, considering that she and Rinna were barely friends! You know if Lisa found a glass slipper, she’d totally just keep it.
Also, poor Kyle, she couldn’t do a split in her jumpsuit. She tried but, in the most devastating moment of her adult life, she got stuck in a low squat. Later, while trying to snuggle LVP, she accidentally sat on a thorny golden puffball. Isn’t that just the perfect analogy for their friendship? Screw golden eggs – if LVP had chickens, that’s what they’d lay.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK THE TRUCE BETWEEN ERIKA AND DORIT WILL LAST? SHOULD PK HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED? WTF IS UP WITH LISA RINNA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
