The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: A Countess No More

After months of deflection, derailment, and Tom D’Agostino’s devilish doings, Countess Luann de Lesseps finally married the man who offers her the lifestyle of her dreams. Yes, Mrs. Luann D’Agostino is now a commoner! Jet setting to Palm Beach, vacationing in Aspen, lolling around the balcony of her Manhattan penthouse wondering whether she should eat another peeled grape. In short, she’s just like us! If we were filthy rich and married to questionable dudes. But the ladies of The Real Housewives Of New York aren’t quite done questioning Luann’s every move, and they have another chance to openly gawk at her happiness when she invites them to a post-wedding celebration.

Speaking of parties, Bethenny Frankel hosts one of her own – but guess who’s not invited? Okay, we all know it’s Ramona Singer. Because homegirl went NUCLEAR last week in the Berkshires and is persona non grata to both Bethenny and Dorinda Medley now. Poor Dorinda is still resurrecting her house from the Ramonsoon that all but destroyed the joint, not to mention Sonja Morgan jacking her PJ’s in broad daylight! There’s also moving afoot. As in: Adam moving out of Carole Radziwill’s litterbox apartment, and Frenchie moving into Sonja’s townhouse. Tinsley Mortimer, as always, is left pondering the life choices that brought her to this tragic rung on the downwardly mobile socialite ladder.

Sonja is taking things to the next level with Frenchie. Sure, she’s sleeping with him – but now he might be setting up house at Morgan Manor! And they’re kind of exclusive, but not really. (Huh?) Tinsley comes down to greet Sonja and Frenchie at breakfast, wondering what’s what. Sonja doesn’t know, Frenchie doesn’t know, so Tinsley sure as hell doesn’t know. She does know that she doesn’t want to join the happy/deluded couple in a threesome, even though Sonja invites her to. She also realizes that her plans to move out of Sonja’s halfway house need to be ramped up. As in: She needs a new lease NOW.

Over at Bethenny’s, she’s decking the place out in Skinnygirl red in preparation for her holiday party. The party will surround an enormous Skinnygirl bottle ice luge, which partygoers will be forced to kneel before in reverence to cheap booze. She’s also arranged ornaments painted with her guests’ faces on them – which is either cool or creepy. I don’t know which. Dorinda is on her way, wrapping gifts in the car. And Ramona is at home sulking about not being invited. So she’s roping her daughter Avery and friends into babysitting her for the evening since no one Ramona’s own age wants to play with her anymore.

Dorinda arrives at Bethenny’s first, sampling oysters and feeling mildly sexually compromised by the chef’s banter with Bethenny. Tinsley and Carole come in, cheerfully luge-ing it up, then sinking into a depressing discussion about Ramona. Bethenny is hereby banning Ramona from her building, her life, the planet. And Dorinda wonders if she should just hand Ramona a can of gasoline and a lighter next year so she can finally burn her Berkshires house to the ground? As of yet, Ramona has not apologized for trashing the room, let alone acting like a lunatic in many other rooms during her stay.

When Sonja arrives, she tries to remain neutral about the Ramona Situation. But no one can truly be neutral about Ramona’s behavior. Carole wonders what happened to her since last year? Why is she so “dark” lately? Maybe it’s the divorce catching up with her. Maybe it’s turning 60. In any case, she needs a full time handler – but no one’s up for the job. Even Sonja.

Across town, Ramona does the cool mom schtick with Avery and her squad. Ramona is more spazzed-out kickball mascot than “chill hang,” but she tries to play it cool. Which, for Ramona, means not blinking for many consecutive minutes and inviting the girls over for all-you-can-drink bottled water anytime!

Suddenly, it’s time for these college seniors to play therapist to a nearly retired divorcee. What should she do about Bethenny? Why is Dorinda mad that she tore production lights off the wall with her bare hands? THAT ROOM NEEDED NEW PAINT ANYWAY! Avery’s friends are all, “Like, maybe one-way friendships don’t work…I guess?” At this, Ramona praises the coeds’ deep wisdom and sound judgment. Then she toasts their “life-long friendship!” Which will be a slightly shorter commitment on her end than theirs.

Time to travel down south where gals marry gents who openly fool around, and gents ask for hall passes the night before their weddings! Luann is giddy with excitement and, well. I don’t know. Good for her, I guess! She’s walking into this union with both eyes open, after all. And she looks absolutely beautiful on her big day. So does Dorinda, who finally shows up to get hair and makeup done in the final hours of wedding prep. (And, I might add, is channeling Princess Di something fierce!)

“I am a hopeless romantic,” sighs Luann, who adds that finding Tom “was like finding home.” She feels lucky to have found a man who loves her, and she’s heading down that aisle without hesitation or regret. After her brother gives her away, Luann and Tom trade their “I do’s” and share their first kiss as husband and wife. The crowd cheers as we flash to Luann’s talking head, in which she flashes her ring fingers at all the haters out there who doubted her relationship. “I’m here! I made it!” she shouts. Yup. She sure did. And most wish her the best, but – and I don’t think I’m alone here – also expect the worst.

Back up in the streets of NYC, Bethenny and Carole head to Chinatown for some dim sum, which Carole inexplicably has never heard of before. Okaaaaay. Carole then confesses that Adam has found an apartment, which she basically shoved him into at first notice. She wants a home free of snowboards and sexy salads and man buns. But she still totally likes him and wants to be in this relationship! Because that makes sense. Bethenny says she gets it, but her eyes say “I give you guys two months, tops.” Meh. Maybe Carole likes having a fourth Baby? Adam doesn’t seem to be sweating the situation, anyway.

Carole is sweating the Tom and Luann thing still, positing that Tom may bat for the other team. Her very flimsy reasons? He’s a 50-something year old man who’s never been married and has 2 failed engagements on his roster. Whatever. Bethenny wonders if a wedding happens in the forest and most of the Housewives aren’t there to ruin see it, did it really happen? She’s seen pics on Luann’s social media though, so yeah. It did happen. Now, we humbly beg you all: FIND A NEW STORYLINE. Love, everyone on earth. (Also, Bethenny – can I have that sweater when you “edit” it out of your wardrobe next week? I luuuuuurrrrv it. For real. And bonus – I do not have a moth problem!)

Despite her atrocious behavior, Ramona is invited to Dorinda’s after Luann’s wedding to hear about all the deets. Dorinda doesn’t even know why she’s dishing with Ramona about Luann’s big day, but she feels weirdly compelled to play nice with wild animals. Ramona is all compliments and upbeat banter in front of Dorinda, but snarks in her interview that Luann’s plan to throw a party for all of the guests NOT invited to the wedding is tacky and rude. Kind of like Ramona in literally ALL situations!

As Bethenny takes Carole on a tour of Chinatown as if she’s a Martian who just landed here moments ago, Carole scrunches her nose up at every strange sight, smell, and sound she encounters. “I would call you an a$$hole, but that title is reserved for Ramona,” quips Bethenny. HA.

At Sonja’s, she’s wondering how the Frenchie (AKA Edgar) situation has snowballed from him spending the occasional night in her crash pad to moving 95% of his belongings into every room. Because she doesn’t have the energy to move this sh*t around, Sonja just decides to let the dude move in. She’d rather have him make a baby with Tinsley than creep up on her Grey Gardens life trajectory, but oh well! She made the mistake of kissing him, and now he wants him some Sonja all day, every day.

Tinsley walks into Sonja’s bedroom to get the straight story on JUST HOW MANY STRANGERS will be crashing here in the near future!?!? Sonja has no clue who or what is in her house (dog crap and brown ice notwithstanding). She just wants Tinsley’s help moving the bed and schlepping boxes – but she will not allow Tinsley to remove nary a stuffed pig or creepy doll from her own room in the name of “making room.” Those are my treasures! I expect Sonja, much like the gravely ill shut-ins of Hoarders, to whine.

It’s the night of Luann and Tom’s post-wedding party. Bethenny shows up first, despite arriving 15 minutes late. This party is for everyone who acted like a giant a$$hole to Luann and Tom about their marriage, so – good times ahead! Dorinda mercifully arrives next, followed by other guests. She’s done with celebrating Luann and Tom’s blessed event at this point, and even though Bethenny hasn’t even participated yet, she is too. “This is Ramadan,” she snarks of the weeks-long Luann wedding celebration. Yes, but with lots of drinking and – if Sonja shows up – potential dry humping!

After Ramona enters the building with Avery as her protector date, Bethenny avoids her like it’s her job while Luann gushes about her wedding day to anyone who will listen. Tinsley flits in with a young guy who looks like he walked straight off of a televised political pundit gig into this soiree, and Ramona immediately scoffs at their age difference. Because Ramona has standards, people! Yeah, but Tinsley looks like she has fun.

Before the ladies can create their own drama, Tom comments that his wedding ring is feeling too heavy. “I don’t think I want to wear a ring,” he says, followed by “Old habits die hard.” These are the statement of a newly married man in love, eh? Luann silently looks on with a smile pasted to her face and a dream still flickering in her steely heart. Damn, Tom! Get out of your own way, man. You are ridiculous.

Giddy because she’s showing off Edgar/Frenchie for the first time socially, Sonja dishes to Dorinda and Ramona that he’s moved in. He’s no longer chained to the bedpost as a mere sex slave/intern! No, no. He’s fodder for UES gossip now, so this sh*t has definitely gone NEXT LEVEL. Ramona doesn’t see it lasting. Plus, “She brought one of her own victims out in public,” as Sonja notes. Frenchie tries to regale Ramona and her Tinder date with tales of his homeland, but no one really listens. So Sonja marches her new lovah over to congratulate her old lovah on his nuptials. Tom responds as quickly as possible, then pulls Luann in for a choke hold/kiss to get out of this awkward encounter.

Yay! It’s time to roll tape on the drunk Dorinda speech from Luann’s engagement party!!! The new one at this shindig is decidedly more coherent, but nearly as disjointed in its content. So, Tom takes over to save the day, gushing about how much love Luann poured into their wedding day and how Dorinda always makes it nice. Because let’s face it – Dorinda Medley is the MVP of RHONY this season, no doubt. Even Tom, who senses very little else, somehow knows this to be true. So, he’d better stay on her good side. Because this chick has access to LISTS, if ya know what I mean. 😉

TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LUANN’S WEDDING & AFTER-PARTY? SHOULD RAMONA BE TAKING ADVICE FROM AVERY’S FRIENDS? IS SONJA MOVING TO FAST WITH EDGAR/FRENCHIE?

Photo Credit: Bravo