On last night’s Real Houseiwves Of Orange County we were all shocked when Kelly Dodd flipped her gender-bending shit and called Meghan Edmonds a bad mom because of her shit-stirring. I mean, talk dirty to me indeed, right?!
This is frustrating because Kelly is in the right about Meghan’s behavior but, as always, Kelly’s delivery and her viciousness get the better of her!
The whole thing started off so promisingly – in a baby store. Amid queries about sleigh cribs or modern cages, Kelly joked with Meghan that perhaps she’s “a lesbo” after a drunken kiss with Shannon Beador. Kelly and Meghan guffaw like Kelly ‘s kiss with Shannon is so trendy and cool, instead of waving from the caboose on Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” train. More prescient is how quickly Kelly and Shannon moved from mortal enemies to K-I-S-S-ING. First comes hate, then comes love, then comes Meghan in the middle!
Meghan believes her interference is the reason for Shannon and Kelly’s blossoming friendship. The positive reinforcement apparently encouraged her to do MORE meddling! Cause what could go wrong?! Only that when Kelly met Shannon at another bar, she noticed that Shannon’s phone was set to voice record. Oops. When Shannon realized that Kelly realized, she quickly put the phone away, but Kelly knows what she saw, just not Shannon’s intent. In the interest of maintaining this newfound peace and serenity, Kelly decides to speak with Shannon directly, and asks Meghan not to say anything.
Does Kelly not know Meghan at all? Meghan, who when bored and idle, turns her attentions to ‘investigating’ others in the interest of Truth! and Justice! Meghan who believes herself impervious to any wrongdoing. Meghan who is a CONSTANT busy-body?! Seems like Kelly temporarily forgot. Like her memory only works in cued-recall based on what cocktail she was drinking when an incident occurred.
And Meghan is no quiet woman, so by the time Kelly arrives home and changes into clothes and nails which perfectly match her kitchen so she can throw a tantrum about rotten tomatoes, Shannon has called to deny recording her! Obviously Me-Me-Me-Meghan has me-me-me-meddled.
Kelly is, rightfully, furious. Did I say “rightfully” in my defense of Kelly Dodd? BRB – gotta lie down.
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Anyway, yes, Kelly was right to be upset: she specifically asked Meghan, her friend, NOT to say anything because Kelly, who’s been studying Grown-Ups For Dummies, wanted to speak to Shannon in person about it. Further proving that she’s crushing this Adulting thing, Kelly calls Meghan right away to iron the mess out. Meghan is like [shrug] “Sorry, I was bored while nursing and like, I dunno… there’s only so much Love It or List It one can watch, but I swear I just didn’t want Shannon to be upset…”
Meghan claims Shannon can barely work an iPhone, let alone record Kelly… Unless, perhaps, Shannon got a little tutorial from Tamra Judge, who would never-ever play dirty, but Tamra can’t hear anyone’s critiques so long as she has a giant industrial-sized janitorial vacuum strapped to her back. Baby’s Got Back… but gots no one’s back.
Vicki Gunvalson is bored and when Vicki is bored she makes rash decisions like internet cheating with Brooks Ayers, or buying a band-aid boat. When your love tank is puttering, it’s time for a life boat. Vicki loves to rewrite history to her own convenience and Donn got the boat in the divorce, so now it’s find another Donn; find another boat!
Poor Donn Steve is the unwitting VICKtim of her plans. Vicki sa-aays Steve satisfies her in every way – sometimes 2, 3, 4 times per day (BARF). How is Coto Insurance operating amid all this, um, extracurricular activity?! Vicki gushes that she “LOVES marriage” and was married for 30 years (only 2.5 of those years happily, the other half: If it’s Brooks, don’t fix it! Just con ’em). Vicki does remember that, regretfully, we’ve been watching her on on TV for OVER A DECADE. We have seen things. Bad Things like watching Vicki be simpering and flirty with Steve, stroking his ‘manly lavender shirt,’ snorting a proposal into her wine glass. Oh Vicki… instead just give Steve a life jacket and an advance warning of rough seas ahead.
Then Vicki has lunch with Meghanny Drew who vows to solve The Mystery Of The Scorned Friend and discover why Vicki believes she was hurt by Tamra and Shannon!
Vicktim isn’t recalcitrant because she has PROOF that David hit Shannon. Texts, and photos, and evidence… oh my! Vicki admits, however, that she shouldn’t have gossiped or threatened Shannon with salacious allegations, so at least there was that small bit of progress… Maybe?
When Meghan advises Vicki to show Shannon this so-called truth, Vicki balks, and begs Meghan not to repeat it because Vicki will get in big, big, BIG trouble! Again! Meghan and Vicki are so fake over-dramatic about this – Meghan even insisted she must talk to Jimmy Dad Jeans (if she can find ’em!) about this damning information.
Also, why is Shannon’s potentially being in a dangerous relationship ALL ABOUT VICKTIM and ME-ME-ME-Meghan?! They both need hobbies, and I don’t mean buying boats or amateur detectiving!
Meghan, of course, immediately calls Shannon and Tamra with the full-report. Shannon and Tamra are up to their own sneaky ways, and are caught buying ‘man outfits’ for all the women to wear to a Drag Bingo fundraiser. Shannon decided that since she has a manly body and long blonde hair she’ll transition into her natural state as Bret Michaels of Poison. Plus since this show is a toxic cesspool of bad, bad blood…
When they learn that Vicktim is still carrying on about this ‘proof,’ Tamra gleefully announces that Vicki can suck her metaphorical balls.
I interrupt this recap because I just remembered that I totally forgot about Peggy Sulahian. It’s probably because Diko gave Peggy $100 and sent her off to NYC to visit a college with their daughter. Diko has a lot of reservations about trusting Peggy, who might get refer to the subway as a sandwich, and Diko doesn’t want his daughter going off to college so far away.
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Peggy, meanwhile, allowed her limited understanding of vocabulary to recognize that it’s 2017. I appreciate her stance that Gia should make her own decisions, and Peggy is adamant that both her daughters get their degree. I also respect Diko’s concern that NYC is so far, and that he doesn’t want Peggy to push Gia to make a decision.
Also I’m beginning to think Diko is a hoarder: he hoards cars, his wife and daughters, social situations, and he hovers over Peggy like a butterfly building a cocoon. Peggy can barely buy a bag without him prying it open. Luckily Peggy stands firm that Gia will not be locked in a gilded cage, secured in $60,000 Birkin, and live like Peggy herself does. Maybe Peggy and Shannon should talk – or not, since talking to Shannon literally NEVER goes well.
Back to drag bingo. Kelly and Lydia McLaughlin arrive at Shannon’s to find Tamra dressed as white trash, complete with beer stains on her wife-beater while she’s calling Shannon “my bitch.” Tamra is basically Joe Dirt’s doppelganger.
Lydia is uncomfortable, because in case you weren’t aware, she’s a christian. Loving and accepting drag queens was not taught in her sex-ed bible. She decides to go to drag bingo looking like “Charlie Chaplin had a baby with Liza Minelli” and use this as testimony. At least there will be turkey burgers!
On the bus to Bingo things start to fray – and I don’t mean the mullet wigs! One drink in Kelly is incensed about Meghan’s meddling. In addition to inserting herself in the Shannon iPhone mess, Meghan had also told Vicki that Kelly was talking crap behind her back. Kelly is some prize this season isn’t she? Last year no one could stand her, except Vicki, and this year everyone is fighting for her allegiance!
And, after a little visit from Tamra’s “psychic friend,” Kelly starts to recognize a calculated attempt to break her and Vicki apart to isolate Vicki. Tamra is so pathetically transparent, and much like her White Trash costume, it’s not a good look. Her insides are rotten to the core, and I didn’t see any Jesus in there!
The group of motley pseudo-men met Meghan at Bingo and forced her into a racing-striped jumpsuit and mustache. While that’s happening, Meghan pumps her boobs. Meghan is SO attention-seeking!
Part of going drag for Tamra included flexing her faith. Her “gay husband,” (I LOATHE THAT PEDANTIC PUERILE EXPRESSION) Scott, the sometimes psychic and wannabe pop star, continues having ‘revelations’ about Vicki. Scott, as I’m sure you remember, ‘uncovered’ that Brooks was faking cancer – and this sours Meghan because in her mind SHE ripped the chemo turban off the villain’s head! Maybe they can buy an old van, eat a lot of pizza, and team up together with Girly-Girl by their side. Roh-roh!
Scott “warns” Kelly that she and Vicki will fight, and surprise-surprise – Tamra also received that prophecy! Scott can’t tell what over, or when, or why, but something – something Kelly will do(!) – will gravely upset Vicki. Kelly doesn’t take the bait, nor does Lydia, who is more offended by Scott’s cartomancy than watching Shannon get spanked by a drag queen. Yes, for a change, we got a glimpse of Shannon’s actual crack in lieu of her actual cracking up! It was crack overdose actually, because then Kelly and Meghan also cracked!
Tamra instigated by asking her psychic friend to predict if Kelly was gonna stay nice. Unfortunately Meghan found herself on Kelly’s naughty list for pot-stirring under the guise of being a good friend. Kelly is correct, but her liquor-loosened lips slosh all over her good points.
Kelly believed Meghan was her friend, but Meghan suddenly can’t trust Kelly after she accused Jimmy of having a ten-year affair while Meghan was 7-months-pregnant. Shitty, yes, but haven’t Meghan and Jimmy only been married like 3 years?
Kelly fires back that MEGHAN started the drama by asking if Kelly had a boyfriend named Blank. Is Blank hot? Tall, Dark, and Handsome? Rich?! Regardless, he’s certainly not Michael!
Anyway, this is my favorite part: Shannon gets on a soap box to lecture Kelly that making allegations that someone’s husband is cheating is “THE MOST HURTFUL” thing you could ever do, all the while Shannon is sitting next to her BFF Tamra, who not only insinuated David was cheating on Shannon, but repeatedly accused Kelly of cheating on Michael! Kelly, thankfully, immediately yanks up the texts incriminating Meghan (perhaps Vicki needs to take some lessons from Kelly in Text-Accusation Etiquette. Lesson one: Proof is in the iPhone!), then freaks out at Meghan for bringing this up when they had supposedly moved past it.
Kelly says Meghan is meddling because she’s “thirsty,” and suggests she go home to focus on Aspen instead of going out all the time to get in other’s business. Somehow I think Jimmy agrees… This is hard: I think Kelly is right, but then she, again, takes all her good points and ruins them with her low-blows. Also, Meghan constantly tells everyone how boring motherhood is!
Lydia had scuttled into the bathroom to cry over the reflection of herself in drag, and she came out (zing!) just in time to see Meghan running by in tears with Tamra chasing after her, like: Remember! Remember! Kelly called Tamra a bad mom too! She totally understands! ‘Cause it’s always about Tamra!
Back at the table Shannon lectures Kelly for her mouth, but Kelly feels no remorse. Poor Meghan is shocked that Kelly, whom she didn’t consider a trustworthy friend, would actually turn on her. But on her way out, de-dragged, Meghan timidly says goodbye to Kelly, which Kelly ignores. ICE COLD. Kelly should’ve gone in drag as Vanilla Ice.
And seriously – is there anyone who believes Shannon who stalks David on the reg, doesn’t know how to operate an iPhone? I’m not saying she was trying to entrap Kelly, but I think it’s well within her capabilities to figure out how record a conversation!
TELL US – TEAM KELLY OR TEAM MEGHAN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
