You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?
The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.
It’s freezing and windy, which isn’t odd given its an outdoor wedding in December. Taunya hopes they have enough outdoor heaters. They don’t. No one will be shocked to learn that Mykelti has a very specific vision for her bridal party’s hair and make-up, but there is only one hairdresser and two make-up artists to tend to her army. The wives find it hilarious that Mykelti believes the only change marriage will bring is that she can call Tony her husband. Guess again!
Getting to sleep in, Tony and his brosman are chilling at Mykelti’s apartment. Clearly, Tony didn’t think it necessary to get a haircut for the big day. Tony tries to explain the significance of “brosman” as he struggles to identify the time he needs to show up to the venue. Christine excuses his comatose behavior and lack of enthusiasm on the fact he’s just really laid back. He’s exactly what any mother would want for her daughter, right?
Kody doesn’t miss a beat to make it all about him. He is envious of Tony. For a polygamist groom, he’s nervous about spreading himself thin and making his other wives jealous. It’s a fine line to walk. Kody recalls he was unable to truly connect with Christine and Robyn at their weddings because he was so hung up on not pissing off Meri and Janelle. I’ll forgive Kody for this line of BS given the fact he’s sporting the world’s most awkward ponytail for the wedding. Christine is thrilled. However, Mykelti vetoes the epic look. Damn.
As the bridal party gussies up, Maddie shares that she plans to find out the gender of their baby. She is feeling like it’s a boy, and her husband is crossing his fingers. He is hopeful for a little shadow. He is more like Kody than I’d ever thought. Christine’s nervous energy is sucking the life out of the room. Someone forgot her meds! Mykelti seems to thrive in the chaos. No one is going to stress out this chick as she passes out the handmade bouquets. Bless.
Janelle, Meri, and Robyn enter after allowing Christine some bio-mom time with the bride. Robyn reveals that she and Tony have been battling over Mykelti’s wedding hair. Robyn is yearning for an updo, but Tony likes it natural. They compromise with a half-up do, which Robyn solidifies by gifting Mykelti with an antique hairpin and vintage earrings she got at an antique store. She reiterates the antique store portion of the gift about a dozen times, so I’m guessing Robyn was responsible for the “something old” portion of the adage which Mykelti assigned to her mothers. Mykelti is overcome by the fact that, as antiques, they have a story…not one relevant to her or her wedding day, but semantics.
The ever practical Janelle provides two options for faux fur stoles for her to wear over her dress for something new. Janelle is fine if Mykelti declines to wear it during the ceremony, but girlfriend is going to want it given the freezing temps. Mykelti is overjoyed by the blue pearl bracelets from Meri, and it’s the most we’ve heard Meri speak all season (unless she was droning on about some bed and breakfast). Christine reminds the room that she hacked her wedding dress for the borrowed part of the saying in order to make more random ass flowers for Mykelti’s fabric bouquet. Mykelti is pretends to be moved by the items before announcing that the bridal party may don coats and scarves once the hours long wedding photo session is complete. She’s not a monster! Janelle is concerned about pregnant Maddie in the cold. Solomon and Robyn’s latest baby has the sniffles and a slight fever. Mykelti has no contingency plan for her outside wedding. It’s like Frozen but with polygamists.
As the witching hour approaches, Mykelti’s educates her bridesmaids on pashmina posture while Kody fumbles with a bedazzled altar. Is this for the wedding or is it an appendage for a Mardi Gras float on Fat Tuesday? Maybe both? Myketi is putting the finishing touches on her wedding ensemble and gets teary when sister Aspyn surprises her with a sentimental engraved bracelet. The moment is interrupted by a controlling Tony who complains that the ladies are late for pictures. Doesn’t he remember that he got to hit the snooze button while the entire bridal party was doing manual labor before sunrise? Tony is bucking tradition. He’s already seen the dress, so he is ready to see Mykelti before the ceremony. He cites Kody’s speech about focusing on each other as his inspiration. I give this marriage six months before he’s trying to sneak in a second wife. Anyone want to start a pool? Tony gets his wish and oohs and ahhs over Mykelti. They are both comfy. Tony’s hair seems to have culminated on his chin. Tony thinks Mykelti looks great, but her hair isn’t completely down. It’s half up, and that’s not down. Is he wearing Keds?
After some last minute touches and an awkward brosman photograph, it’s time for the ceremony. Christine is beyond emotional in the sea of chairs that will accommodate all four hundred guests in this tundra. She realizes in all of her mania that she left Kody’s suit at their rented condo…thirty minutes away. Kody rushes back for his clothing as a once cool Mykelti starts morphing into Bridezilla. Tony is greeting guests as Mykelti seethes in the underbelly of the reception area. Taunya politely reminds the group that they are a few minutes behind schedule. Christine is insistent that she won’t see her daughter without Kody present, but Kody is nowhere to be found (because he had to get his suit, Christine!), but Mykelti is adamant her mother make an appearance in her dressing room. As the clock ticks down to three o’ clock, Mykelti insists she isn’t freaking out–she’s just antsy. No one listens as Christine announces to the room that it’s her fault Kody is late. Kody thinks she looks beautiful, but exposed. Hey, her choice, he laments.
It’s forty degrees with a windchill of Antarctica as Robyn bitches about the ice earlier that morning. As the freezing party goers huddle under blankets, some chick announces the Frisbee moment that will happen when the couple walks back down the aisle. Meri loves the idea more than she loves her wet bar and her catfisher combined. Robyn is trying to keep her whining to a minimum, but it’s just so damn cold. She decides to play the part of the martyr and sit outside with the rest of the human icicles.
Kody and Christine beam as their daughter walks down the aisle, and they are both desperately trying to convince themselves that Tony and his horrible hair and entitled attitude is worthy of their immature daughter. The wedding is being conducted in English and Spanish, and Robyn finds it endearing, and very weird, that the couple doesn’t seem to notice the mind-numbing chill that is assaulting the congregation. The entire sermon is centered on a Frisbee. It’s round. It takes balance and skill to make it work. It’s fun. Again, Meri is over the moon with the symbolism. Someone spiked her punch for sure. Props to Tony for shedding his suit coat to give to a shivering Mykelti. Christine calls it gallant. I call it the workings of a TLC producer.
The couple reads their self-written vows as the guests start to resemble the creatures from Ice Age. They rush the exchange of rings in the hope of skirting hypothermia. The newlyweds share an exuberant kiss before dodging surprise Frisbees as they made their way up the aisle. Meri is struck by the Frisbee metaphor of the ceremony, but thankfully she is not struck by a literal Frisbee in the crossfire. Robyn is struck by the cold how happy Mykelti seems. Now, let the 4000 tacos and pinata abuse commence! The fringe children are thrilled at the addition of Tony to the family. Mykelti is trying to usher her family outside for pictures, but that means shedding coats and gloves. Kody stomps his foot. He will not allow Robyn’s children to go out in the cold for family photos. Robyn cradles her baby in a fleece and looks adoringly at her lion maned shared husband while pretending to be a team player. Classic Robyn! The folks subjected to the pictures (bridal party and parents) try to stave off the frigidness with jumping jacks, and Mykelti finally caves and allows blankets in the photos.
The reception is chaos but finally a complete family photo is achieved. The crowd is chowing down on the tacos, and Kody is starting to worry that Tony was right–they need more tacos! Kody makes sure to hijack the evening (after mainlining tortillas) with a speech that starts with “dude” and ends with tears and inviting Tony’s parents into their tangled web of family. Mykelti’s eyes glass over in boredom. When is the pinata happening?
Kody introduces Christine for her much anticipated solo. The cameras catch Tony is a sheer state of panic when he learns of this surprise. Christine is a bona find bundle of nerves as she explains the significance of the song to their family. Mykelti tries, but fails, to keep a proud smile on her face as her mother breaks glassware throughout the venue. I’m shocked that dogs don’t come charging into the reception. Mykelti appreciates her mom being vulnerable. That’s a very diplomatic stance. Robyn calls it awesome, and thus solidifies herself as the most fake of Kody’s wives.
Tony really wants to cram the wedding cake into Mykelti’s face, although she is not here for it. However, for the first time this season, he shows restraint and has Christine lauding him as “a perfect gentleman.” I am jealous of Tony. Never before has anyone had to do just the bare minimum to be showered in praise. The DJ starts his show for some very cringe worthy dancing, although Tony and Christine’s coupling is the thing of which reality television is made. As the pinatas are raised, Christine jokes about how horrible it would be if sister wives were invited to beat on the bridal pinata at a polygamist wedding. Meri is beside herself in hysterics. She’s either over the edge or just screwing with us at this point. Regardless, I’m on board. The pinata portion of the reception is incredibly violent and slightly Lord of the Flies, but I’m here for it, especially because it signifies the end of this two hour wedding. The once skeptical Tony and his harem now appreciate the pinata spectacle and the joining of two cultures by welcoming Tony into their family. And cue more awkward dancing between Kody and Christine…
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? WAS THE WEDDING EVERYTHING YOU HOPED IT WOULD BE?
[Photo Credit: TLC]
