This week, The Real Housewives of New York hit the road. It’s time for everyone to assemble at the dinner table and give one another a verbal dressing down. Because this is what they do best, no? The ladies are heading to the Hamptons for Bethenny Frankel’s birthday, Carole Radziwill’s post-marathon soiree – hosted by Hamptons maven herself, Ramona Singer – and for the annual WWE match between Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan. Dorinda has been mainlining martinis in preparation for the event. Sonja has been taking her kaftans out of cellophane for the event.
Carole is driving up with Tinsley Mortimer and Dorinda. But the bigger point of contention is where she’s staying – at a hotel with Tinsley instead of at Bethenny’s Hamptons pad. Why? Well, we get two different answers. Carole says that Bethenny’s “got a full house” so she opted to stay elsewhere. But Bethenny claims she invited Carole, but thinks her ex-bestie doesn’t want to come over because Bethenny’s daughter will be there. “Carole needs a best friend really close to at all times,” says Bethenny, who presumes Tinsley is this new best friend. “They’re thick as thieves.”
Meanwhile, Sonja is boarding the Jitney bus. Yes, this is how far the mighty former Morgan has fallen. OH THE HUMANITY! Thank god for her delusions of grandeur, which make her think that bus travel is suddenly luxurious. Guess she’s happy when surrounded by sweaty faces going places. “Anything to save a hundred bucks!” cries Sonja as she hefts her suitcase into the community luggage hole.
Meanwhile, Tinsley, Carole, and Dorinda are talking about Sonja’s crazy ass the entire way to the Hamptons. Why is Sonja coming for them so hard? Did this “juice cleanse” have illegal questionable ingredients in it? Dorinda likes Carole’s phrase about Sonja: “She’s nasty-nice.” So, then what is Carole for literally telling you your friend says you’re FAT? Nice-nasty? Or just nasty-nasty? Hmm. In any case, Dorinda isn’t playing games anymore. It’s almost CLIP! time.
Luann de Lesseps is already in the Hamptons putting together a gift basket of lovely artisanal items for Bethenny’s birthday – and a Ninja blender for Sonja’s new 100% crack juice diet. As she reluctantly buys Sonja’s long list of items (that she literally DEMANDED of her host), Sonja is trolling the parking lot in a local strip mall waiting for her ride. Finally, her knight in shining silver pickup truck comes to ferry her away…to her car? Which is stored at his house? What is happening here?!? (Luann: Visit the pharmacy next. Fill prescriptions.)
Ramona has also arrived at her Hamptons home, ordering staff (who came to deliver art) around and demanding they hang paintings, move furniture, and fix her TV like only Ramona can. She’s #SorryNotSorry for her entitled ways. And much to Bethenny’s eternal chagrin, this ridiculous leopard will never change her spots.
Ramona may be rudest home owner, but Sonja wins for rudest guest. Because not only did she send Luann a list of houseguest demands, she also brought her (recently pink-dipped) dog along, unannounced. Then, before Sonja can even suck down her brown veggie concoction, she moves right into b*tching about Tinsley and Carole. She and Luann both sent congrats texts to Carole after the marathon, but just received short replies. Sonja’s feathers are ruffled further when she discovers Luann at least scored a “thanks” while she merely warranted a terse “thx.” Yes, this is the level of petty we have officially sunk to. Welcome to the barrel’s bottom of Housewives arguments to come!
Dorinda, Tinsley, and Carole arrive at Ramona’s house in the midst of her painting delivery – and her last minute touches on ridding the whole damn house of any Mario-ness. Dorinda approves of this latter move wholeheartedly.
Later at Bethenny’s dinner, she’s ten minutes late yet still the first to arrive. Is no one coming? Is Dorinda still at home pre-gaming? No and yes are the answers. Because – finally – the ladies start to trickle in. Of course, no one apologizes. And of course, Bethenny notes this. Also noted: Carole has joined the blonde team, both literally and figuratively. At least Luann has migrated over to the Tinsley/Bethenny side of the table to oddly even things out. And you know, that’s what this group is amazing at doing – mixing it up. (And confusing the f**k out of us!)
Sonja hasn’t gotten the memo that 75% of the b*tches at this table hate her, so she merrily eats her pita and dip while Dorinda whisper-shouts her looooooong list of complaints about Sonja to Luann. Then it’s time for the airing of Sonja’s grievances! She received a “thx” from Carole and she’s not taking this insult lying down!!! Carole just shrugs. But Bethenny uses this opportunity to ask why Carole hasn’t been returning her calls or texts either.
To prove that she did indeed respond, Carole pulls out her phone as evidence. She said thanks! Fully spelled out! So…there? Ramona sees this bold move as a “huge change” in Carole, who rarely stood up to Bethenny in the past. I see this move as, um, super lame. Is this the GIANT fight we were promised? No. No, it is certainly not. But maybe deeper things are brewing.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, cover your baby’s ears! The former countess is about to admit she was wrong about Tom all along. She even goes as far as admitting to Bethenny, “You were f**king right.” Bethenny laughs, knowing that Luann admitting this has gotta hurt. They clink glasses and hug, hopefully putting the Tom talk in the rearview mirror (please!). Sonja puts it best, “Lu never lives in the past. She has a very short memory.” HA!
But Tinsley doesn’t want to let this sleeping dog lie yet. She reminds Luann that she wanted her to open up about Tom too, but was accused of being “mean” for her efforts. Luann rolls her eyes, just letting Tinsley turn the conversation next to her reconciliation with her ex-boyfriend, Scott, which is apparently in the works. (And hey – guess it did work because they’re back together these days.)
OK, now cover YOUR ears because Luann is channeling her future cabaret singer to serenade Bethenny with a slow jazz version of Happy Birthday To You! The night, despite its minor hiccups, ends in conga lines and high-fiving. And no one stabs themselves in the hand. So – good times!
The next morning, Bethenny meets Tinsley and Carole out for brunch. She’s immediately annoyed that Tinsley and Carole don’t stop their conversation to acknowledge her presence when she arrives, noting that “Carole isn’t as happy to see me as she once was.” As eggs are ordered, Tinsley also talks about her eggs – freezing them, that is. Her mother demanded suggested that Tins freeze her eggs when she was younger to ensure healthy grandbabies. Okay. Moving on! Conversation turns to Ramona and Luann – who is more annoying? (Hmm…It’s a question we all ask ourselves, no?) Bethenny can’t stand Ramona, and Carole can’t stand Lu. Period. Lines have been drawn. And P.S. ladies: This is not news to anyone. It’s also not news to anyone that Sonja is actually Tinsley’s Public Enemy #1.
Over at Luann’s house, Sonja is donning her best kaftan and stolen slippers while Lu openly judges her choice of brunch attire. But hey – maybe Sonja just wants to be comfortable for the intense verbal lashing headed her way? Ramona and Dorinda arrive ready to drink bellinis and open a can of whoop-ass. But first, Sonja relays her tale of woe (again). She’s got anxiety! She’s high strung! She got divorced a thousand years ago and it ruined her life forever!!!
Ramona wonders if there’s a change in Carole. Everyone agrees that they’re seeing a bit more backbone in her lately. Maybe it’s the new post-marathon Carole? Maybe it’s Bethenny being too aggressive? Whatever it is – Carole is not having it. Also not having it: Ramona, when Sonja insinuates that she had a tryst with her contractor, Mario.
This bizarre gossip is all it takes for Dorinda to go in for the kill. She’s all, WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY? WHY DO YOU MAKE THESE INSANE ACCUSATIONS? Then it gets real, people. Dorinda gets right in her face, shouting multiple Sonja Morgan (TM) crazy phrases at her, rapid-fire style. Ramona pipes up to tell Sonja to stay out of her business, especially when she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.
But when Sonja whines that she’s just a very sensitive person and she’s “been through a lot” (which Luann actually brought up as a weak defense), Dorinda goes full tilt bananas. OH MY GOD! YOU’RE HUSBAND LEFT YOU 15 YEARS AGO! she screams, reminding Sonja that she, herself, buried a husband. “Don’t you DARE compare your f**king marriage to me burying my husband!” Dorinda screams, red-faced, while pointing her finger within one millimeter of Sonja’s eyeball. Holy smokes. Somebody hide the knives!
As Ramona and Luann sit in stunned silence, Sonja just bats her lashes and squirms while Dorinda delivers her final blow. “He left you because you were f**king around in the south of France!” she yells. “He married your friend, you ASS.” Well. There it is. Shots fired! Morgan down! What a sh*tshow – and we’re only on episode THREE!
And with that, we have to wait until next week to see part two of the brunch party from hell. To be continued…
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, Jersey Shore & more!) – plus a dash of cults. Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: DID SONJA DESERVE DORINDA’S WRATH? IS TINSLEY CAUSING A RIFT BETWEEN BETHENNY AND CAROLE?
Photo Credit: Bravo
