Last night we saw the dimmest minuscule smidgeon of a brain cell fire in Nicole’s head. Why? Because she finally got a half-clue about Azan not being the stand up guy she thought he was for the past 3 years. You know – the guy who’s all too happy to sit on his unemployed buttocks all day, renewing his gym membership and going out to midnight coffee bars on Nicole’s Starbucks paycheck? Well, maybe not just on Nicole’s paycheck…because it seems Azan has other fish on his hook. And they might not demand as many french fries or shoulder sniffs as Nicole?
At the beginning of the show, Nicole gets a call mid-interview that alerts her about voicemails leaked online that sound very much like Azan telling someone he wants to kiss them, that “the kiss was good” and “I know you want it.” <dry heave> It’s unmistakably him, except he sounds breathy and gross in some sort of attempt at sexytimes talk. Much like Annie’s “boom boom” sex speech, we can never un-hear this. KILL ME.
Nicole races to the bathroom, leaving producers in the dust (and slamming the door on one of them!) while she calls Azan to confirm the leak. She whines, “WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KISSING SOMEONE IN A VOICEMAIL?!?!?!” He just evades, pretending not to know what she’s freaking out about, nor WTF a voicemail is. Or whatever. Producers film through the crack in the door (we can only assume they’ve wedged open with some garbage they’ve found on Nicole’s disgusting floor) while Nicole cries and moans.
Azan, you in trouble boy! You may be 55% attracted to Nicole, but you are 100% busted.
“My heart hurts,” cries Nicole, who keeps demanding explanations that Azan can’t give. He finally says he was just joking around with his friends one night and they “made” him call another girl. Okay – We already know that Nicole is a special kind of stupid, but the fact that she accepts this answer so easily and CONTINUES to pack up for Morocco afterward is just beyond comprehension. “I need you to pick ME!” she demands of Azan. He swears that he will be faithful to his meal ticket from now on. And that’s all Nicole needs to hear.
So she continues to pack up her motel room while May sits on the bed and watches, helpless. (#SaveMay! #Intervention! #ThisIsACrisis!) Nicole plans to live with Azan’s family who despise her while she lives in Morocco for a year. She also plans on supporting herself – and Azan – on her savings until he gets a job. Which will be precisely the same day that David gets a job, i.e: The Day Hell Freezeth F**king Over.
Nicole’s very normal looking friend (!!!) Jessica goes along with her to pick up her wedding dress. Jessica tells producers that what Nicole’s doing is terrifying, impulsive, and most likely regrettable. But oh well! At least she gets to be the sane one in this scene. Then again, the cockroach in Nicole’s toilet bowl gets to be the sane one in his scenes too, so…
Nicole breaks down in tears as she tries on her inappropriate wedding gown, perhaps letting it sink in that she’s blowing up her entire life for the sake of a man who clearly doesn’t want her. But, stubborn as she is, Nicole won’t turn back now. “As soon as I get there, all the nerves will go away,” she dumbly justifies. Yeah, that must be it! OH MY GOD THIS CHICK IS NUTS. Seriously – of all the trainwrecks on this show, I think she wins, right?
A day before their flight to Morocco, Nicole takes May to the park to meet up with her much wiser brother, Thomas. He won’t be at the wedding but looks forward to hearing about his parents grilling Azan about his nefarious intentions. Not that they’ll be able to stop the monster they raised from destroying all of their lives. At least Thomas knows there’s no talking his sister out of disastrous decisions. Dealing with this trash heap of a situation is above his pay grade! He just hopes May remembers who he is when she returns – and that she returns, period. (No one cares if Nicole comes back, let’s keep it real.)
On the day she leaves, Nicole finished packing. “Who am I kidding, I don’t need workout clothes!” she giggles to her mom. Robbalee looks like she’s going to vomit as she waves goodbye to her daughter and precious grandbaby. She knows Nicole is being scammed, we know Nicole is being scammed, my dog knows that Nicole is being scammed. But Nicole refuses to see the truth. Thus, she loads May on to a plane and flies straight ahead into her self-made doom. Of course, she gets on the phone with Azan first to make excuses about why she sent him less money than she promised recently.
Robbalee puts it best: “Nicole is not necessarily a rational person.” WORD.
You know, these two bores barely deserve a paragraph for their played out story, but here’s the gist. Juan and Russ argue at dinner. Paola loves every minute of it but pretends she doesn’t. She gives us a lot of “I’m torn between my HOSS-band and best friend!” speeches. Then she finally leaves with Russ, who almost fights Juan on the street, but doesn’t because his pleather jacket might rip. Although most of us (ok, I’ll speak for myself) would like to see Juan take a nice punch to the chin, we know violence is never the answer. Ditching Paola is! Alas, Russ will never do that.
Back at the hotel, Paola screams at Russ when he reiterates that Juan is scum and needs to go. She thinks Russ just doesn’t understand the depth of her connection with Juan, which probably is written in fame-hungry dollar signs. Because if Juan isn’t the thirstiest idiot on this show, I don’t know who is (hmm, maybe Paola?). Also, did Russ hire an acting coach for this scene? Because his lines need a little more rehearsing. Kinda like his hair needs a little bit of shaping. I’M SORRY I CAN’T STOP. It’s just sooooo bad. Also, is he dead inside yet? Because his eyes are telling a story, man.
Since Anfisa let Jorge move back indoors, she’s been keeping herself busy by breaking into his phone and wondering who his friends are. She’s also become adept at calling Jorge out on lying, which is basically his full-time job. This is an average convo – Anfisa: “Where are you going?” Jorge: “To the store.” Anfisa: “Stop lying.” Jorge: “Ok, to the divorce lawyer.”
When Jorge can’t argue his way into another boys’ night out with his joint-wearing friend, Ramon, he begrudgingly allows Anfisa to tag along. Even more terrifying: HE LETS HER DRIVE. When they arrive, Ramon is in shock at seeing the woman, the myth, the webcam girl sent to him in a link that he totally didn’t open – Anfisa.
And let’s just pause here a moment to fully appreciate the side eye and sh*t eating grin that Ramon gives the camera crew throughout this entire scene. Basically, Ramon is all of us. Except he praises Jorge endlessly instead of calling him a lying dimwit, so he maybe not all of us. Anfisa’s not buying his BS, and neither are we. But shout out to Ramon for trying! And shout out to him for sporting joint #2 behind his ear for his second scene on television. Note to Erika Jayne: This is what “giving zero f**ks” actually looks like.
Sometime later, Jorge and Anfisa go to dinner on their own to discuss their relationship. Jorge thinks they need a vacation; Anfisa thinks Jorge needs to fix their relationship with his family. He’s thrown Anfisa under the bus since day one, yet takes no responsibility for his lies contributing to her psycho behavior. Jorge says he’ll make it right. But much like David, this pile o’ turds is all talk and no action. So Anfisa calls his bluff by telling Jorge to call his sister right now. He complies, but Lourdes doesn’t answer. Anfisa’s like, okay, then call your mom! But he refuses.
Cut to an interview in which producers ask whether Jorge has seen Lourdes since his visit to the divorce lawyer? Anfisa looks shocked – she can’t believe Jorge didn’t tell her about this small little detail of seeking a DIVORCE. As she jumps off of the interview couch, Jorge tries to wrest her back into place, but his slug-like reflexes are no match for a Russian scorned.
Jorge’s go-to move is to lie, so he does. He claims he never went to divorce lawyers, but Anfisa smells a rat. She forces him to call Lourdes to confirm the truth, but she doesn’t pick up again. She knows this dimwit is lying, but he won’t fess up no matter how hard he’s busted. Two words, dude: CAMERA FOOTAGE.
The trip from hell is finally at its end, and Pedro has aged twelve years. He and Chantel barely speak to her parents as they drag their bags into their apartment. But The Family Chantel cares not one whit! They’re hiring a private investigator to uncover the truth about HARVESTING, so they think he can just go scratch.
A week later, Pedro is working out at the gym preparing to run from dudes in trench coats. His sister Nicole calls to check in about visiting him in Georgia, which obviously has already been planned and booked. Pedro says he’ll be sending Nicole a plane ticket soon…and telling Chantel later. Basically, he needs backup. And Chantel needs to bust out her classic line again, “b*tch ass slut ass wh*re – Good night!” I’m in.
As they shop for couches later, Pedro lets it slip that this couch won’t just be for sittin’ – nope! Sister Pedro will be sleeping with one eye open on it very, very soon. Chantel’s jaw mildly unclenches for a moment at this news, especially when she hears that Pedro bought her ticket. “You never bought MY ticket when I came to visit YOU!” she complains. The fact that Family Pedro gets flat-screen TVs and plane tickets while she lives without furniture in a dinky apartment is not lost on her. Pedro, once again, only has the excuse that he must support his family first. (And he needs his sister to help him evade that P.I., yo.)
It’s been months, and David still has no job, no rent for the firehouse, and terrible family relationships. So…#TheAmericanDream
At the zoo, Ashley, her boyfriend Oscar, and her kids meet David and Annie to stare at the penguins. Um, while the penguins point and stare right back at David? Annie doesn’t like Ashley, but she’s willing to semi-snarl her way through the stank of the monkey house in order to play Mrs. Nice Wife. But while David and his grandkids pose for photos, Annie just sits sulking in the corner feeling left out. She wants her own family with David, but he’s already got one who hates him. And even though David looks like he’s about seven months pregnant, they’re actually not expecting a child anytime soon.
Afterward at lunch, Annie calls David out for being the deadbeat he is. She’s looked into her Magic 8 Ball and the answer to David supporting her, giving her babies, and paying that $15k dowry is: OUTLOOK POOR. Annie says having children is her dream even if she has to raise them in a fire station. David promised her this, but his promises are as empty as his bahtless pockets.
Also, David had a vasectomy! And though he claims he’ll have it reversed, the likelihood of him procuring – AND PAYING FOR – this procedure is zilch. Annie knows David is all talk and no action, but what can she do now? She’s been making boom-boom with this thing every night for the past year all in the hopes of getting something out of it. “You just talking, talking, talking!” she snaps, which shocks David. Hmm. Maybe he thought he could trick this trick forever?
When we last saw the happy couple, Molly was slowly coming to the realization that Luis is a piece of donkey-dung that needs be flung off her shoe. He has no interest in being a stepdad, regardless of the empty promises he made over pina coladas at the all-inclusive resort where they met. Molly’s mom comes over to talk about Luis, and Molly admits things have changed. Or, as Molly admits, maybe this is who he was all along, she just didn’t see it. Olivia leaving the house was the final straw, and sad as it is, perhaps jolted Molly into the reality of her sh*tty parenting choices since Luis came on the scene.
Later on, we learn that Molly has told Luis that he’s got to go. But, child that he is, Luis has locked himself in the bedroom to escape Mom’s wrath and to post selfies on social media of his sexiness. And to threaten calling the police while salsa dancing through the halls now and then. Um, whuuuuut? “You can’t call the police, Luis! This is MY HOUSE. No one made you come here, no one made you be a turd,” she calmly explains.
The good news is that Molly can pick locks with a screwdriver, as we see in previews for next week. HA! Once she breaks in, Molly charges straight for Mister Man Baby. And out of nowhere, Molly summons the strength of a thousand Owl-Buddhas to SHOVE him on to the bed. Now, I don’t condone domestic disputes that turn physical, but can we all just agree that Luis kinda-probably-for sure deserved a lil’ ole’ shove? Okay, fine. I’ll take one for the team and just say it: GO MOLLY!
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHY IS NICOLE THE WAY SHE IS? CAN JORGE EVER STOP LYING? WILL MOLLY BE ABLE TO FORCIBLY REMOVE LUIS FROM HER HOME?
Photo Credit: TLC
