Uh-oh somebody’s lying! On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean, Hannah Ferrier discovered that Kasey Cohen lied on her CV and is completely unqualified to work on a super yacht! Meanwhile Joao Franco sucks up to Captain Sandy Yawn in an effort to undermine Conrad Empson while he’s crazy in love. The good news is we finally got some good guests! Not only were they not horrible, they were truly delightful.
The episode opens with the crew out on the town. Brooke Laughton is sulking on a dirty street corner like the naughty school girl she swears she’s not and gives Adam Glick some word salad about how much she likes him. When Adam doesn’t reciprocate she bursts into tears. I would’ve sworn Adam was the type who couldn’t resist a damsel in distress – turns out I was wrong! He gently explains to Brooke that she’s just drunk, lonely, and emotional. (Does anyone else suspect producers put her up to this to try and tempt Adam back into Sandy’s trap?!)
After a long night of drinking Joao starts speaking in tongues to profess his lust for Kasey. She’s not interested. In an Oedipus complex straight out of Freud, Kasey basically wants someone who will stalk her, which is how her dad finally landed her mom. Kasey classifies her parent’s marriage as “the best relationship I’ve ever seen.” Cut to a prom-style photo of her geriatric father possessively clutching her trophy wife mother’s hips. I give up on the human race. Ergo I expect to see Kasey’s love story featured on a Netflix true crime documentary someday.
Back on board almost everyone pairs off, with Hannah flashing Conrad her double deuces, but poor lonely Brooke eats a salad all by her lonesome.
Conrad and Joao were so drunk they sound like they’ve stuffed Brooke’s ice berg lettuce into their mouths. I’m not sure if Conrad told Hannah he liked her or said “Peter poopers peckers are pickled and purple.” Later Conrad sidles into Hannah’s bunk to confess that he’s worried about “snogging” her in front of the crew. Brooke reminds him that it could be worse – he could have confessed having a crush on Adam, only to be as REJECTED by Adam. SAT Prep Time: Brooke is to Adam what his steaks are to demanding charter guests!
The next morning Jamie Jason pours chocolate milk on her cheerios, and Kasey turns the napkins pink by washing reds with whites and Captain Sandy starts to notice that something is seriously wrong with Conrad the Bad. That something is Hannah the Worser.
But first the next charter – Derek and Elena are the opposites of the all previous guests. Their menu is “chef’s choice’ and instead of expecting Hannah to plan parties, they’re bringing their own entertainment. However, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!
Before the guests arrive demanding things like eggs which aren’t cold and coffee that’s made with water not tomato juice, Hannah sits Kasey down to question her CV. Like how she said “barista training,” but then reveals to Hannah that it’s like you put the coffee in the machine and um… push “Create Magic Potion”. Apparently Kasey listed “silver service trained” on her resume because she’s experienced silver service when daddy took her to fancy restaurants! Obviously this counts, right? Actually Kasey had a friend in yachting “polish” her resume, and then without even reading it over, she submitted it so hahahaha – it’s full of complete and utter lies! But that’s OK because once caught, like all good Bravolebrities, Kasey claims she’s “taking responsibility.”
That’s not good enough for Hannah. She goes on the warpath. First to Captain Sandy, who impassively blames Hannah for not training Kasey properly – after all, 3rd stew is an “entry level position.” That it may be, but Kasey is basically take your daughter to work day — when your daughter is in 5th grade! After tattling to Sandy about how Kasey doesn’t do her job, Hannah goes around complaining to everyone else about Kasey lied. Hannah’s smear campaign temporarily comes to an end when she’s distracted by the new guests. Finally – people who seem nice and reasonable, and just so super happy to be there. It’s obviously an optical illusion!
Since setting your crewmates up to fail is the motto of Motor Yacht Talisman, Jaoa is hanging in Captain Sandy‘s bridge like a little dog waiting to be tossed a treat. He leaps and jumps and begs and this makes Sandy feel like the great and powerful OZ of a leader. Conrad should’ve asked this wizardess for a new heart. While the setting up the toys, Sandy finds him with Hannah, investigating the inflatable bull the guests brought from home, and warns him that he needs to be “more about what’s happening on deck and less about Hannah.” Uh-OH… Hannah + plus sea-fearing ride-able bull = oh, so tempting… for Joao to swoop right in as bosun!
Speaking of riding, Hannah is riding Kasey hard about doing her work correctly. She triple checks every breath Kasey takes, pointing out every minuscule imperfection. If Sandy won’t support Hannah firing Kasey, than Hannah’s goal is obviously to make her life so miserable she runs home to mommy, daddy and life of never ever doing laundry again! There she can cry into her dictionary.com app about how the definition of “barista” ruined her dreams of yachting.
The dinner table-scape is especially atrocious with Kasey in charge, because she also lied about being a Martha Stewart trained table-scape designer on her resume. But this was especially bad – like actually THE WORST. I mean, she spread some material that looked like it came of a Disney Princess Halloween costume on the table, threw some sparkly rocks and then smacked a white tree in the middle. It was… middle-aged co-worker with acrylic French tips and frosted highlights second wedding at the fire hall!
The guests don’t mind though – they’re here for fun, not complaints. They all wear matching sweatsuits for dinner and give Adam the discretion to serve whatever he wants. They’re SO nice that one of the guests even helps clear the plates. Which accidentally screws with the timing of the courses. Just as Sandy is complaining about Conrad’s lack of focus, Adam is sick of Hannah’s excuses for being off her game.
In a shocking about-face, Kasey lying on her CV has JOAO questioning her ethics! Suddenly he seems to be transferring his affections back to Brooke. She’s so funny, and charming, and loves tea and has quirky British humor about crying. Oh and she’s just desperate enough to put out without demanding that he wear a mask of her father’s face!
Later that night, long after Hannah has retired to canoodle Conrad in her bunk, Kasey finally pores over her chore checklist trying to learn it by heart lest she be sent back home to New Jersey in one of the guests luggage! It is pages and pages and pages of single-spaced details, arranged by a sadistic Nurse Ratchet Hannah, making demands for even the way the travel toothbrush is positioned in the holder. Kasey’s psychology degree was less challenging than this!
Joao said it best, “If you try to fake it til you make it and you can’t make it – then you’re f–ked!” However still hoping to get into Kasey’s pants, Joao reassures her that Hannah has no jurisdiction to fire her, so as long as she doesn’t ruin SANDY”S delicates in the dryer, she’ll be fine! Joao even offers to put in a good word for her. Hannah is going to de-ball him with a lobster pick when she finds out!
With the guests going to Capri for the day, escorted by Brooke and Jamie, Kasey stays back to learn how to do hospital corners on Super King mattresses and takes the opportunity to suck up to Captain Sandy over the coffee machine. This one will not go down quietly!
Also not going down quietly is the slide. Colin Macy-O’Toole who is the kooky adorable underdog of this season complains that it’s “too much rubber; too much hoses – I sound like I’m describing a sex thing.” And it winds up being a cockfight between Joao and Conrad about who knows the slide best. Who understands it’s unique, special properties. (Psst.. It’s not Conrad!)
Suddenly Conrad realizes that Joao is out to get him, so he reminds him of who’s bosun. For now! Joao plays dumb about his intentions, then complains that Conrad is just suffering from hurt pride. I don’t think Conrad or Joao are particularly inept. Conrad certainly has better bedside (re: professional) manner, but Joao is cunning. Especially because Conrad has basically moved into Hannah’s bunk after the first ‘date’ and seems more focused on lying in a toddler-sized bed all day forever with her than running the deck crew of Motoryacht Talisman. What I’m saying is that Joao is out to get that bosun position and Captain Sandy has noticed!
While shopping in beautiful Capri, escorted by Brooke and Jamie, one of the guests jokes that she’s gonna steal Kasey’s outfit and stay on the boat forever. Somehow, hilariously, I think that’s what Kasey presumed yachting would be – a nonstop vacation delivering the occasional glass of wine. I also think that this guest, whomever she is, would be better at handling laundry and serving said wine. After all one, of them has a husband so well trained he clears tables on vacation – Hannah’s the one who better watch out that these guests don’t steal her outfit and job.
As soon as he’s done undermining/not-undermining Conrad, Joao finds time alone with Brooke to chat her up and suggest that they “start over” by resuming their flirtation. Brooke is more than happy to comply. Why is Brooke so desperate?! Then Joao encourages Kasey to have sex to boost her endorphins which will somehow morph into her suddenly being good at her job! Why is Joao so skeevy that next I expect him to hit on Sandy?! Especially if he thinks it increases his chances of being promoted. “It’s absolutely horrifying watching Joao flirt. There’s a point where you’re just like ‘please stop,'” says Jamie, rolling her eyes and speaking for us voiceless masses trapped at home, victimized by the #MeToo moment unfolding in front of us.
Meanwhile the over-eager dinner guest who really, really wants to prove he’s an enlightened man attuned to emotional labor, again clears the dinner dishes and messes with timing. Adam is furious. He snaps at Hannah that it’s it’s HER job to manage guests and he’s sick of her excuses. Adam does have a point about how Hannah does not have a handle on the guests this season.
It’s the dawn of the underdog, and Kasey has majorly stepped up her game! Captain Sandy recognizes the improvement, as does Hannah – but Hannah is not celebrating Kasey’s milestone of learning how to work a coffee machine. While Conrad is counseling Hannah through her fury, he doesn’t hear Sandy calling him on the radio for assistance on the bridge, but Joao does! He is right there to be second in command, driving the boat out, while Conrad gets stuck babysitting the anchor and emptying Sandy’s garbage.
Someone is saltier than the Mediterranean ocean!
TELL US – IS JOAO TRYING TO GET CONRAD FIRED? SHOULD KASEY HAVE BEEN LET GO FOR LYING ON HER RESUME?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
