Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!
The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.
Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.
Stassi blames her abandonment issues. Then, she vows to change so Beau won’t leave her. For now he promises to stay and help Stassi change. I’ve got an idea for how Stassi can fix things: PUT DOWN THE ALCOHOL. Similar to the advice everyone is always giving James Kennedy!
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James visits his sometimes-life coach Arthur, the former manager of PUMP. Arthur, like everyone else, prefers sober James. Then Arthur helps him create a mantra to stay away from booze. A mantra is basically a meme for the stone-ages. When he’s sober James describes himself as “honest, caring, driven.” So, Arthur coaches him to use those words to guide him to make better decisions around alcohol, because he knows who James becomes when he picks up that drink. Arthur you need to help more Bravolebrities.
Lisa Vanderpump brings all her SURvians together for a staff meeting. The topic of discussion is everyone’s favorite trigger word: JAMES. Peter Madrigal and the other manager mention that See You Next Tuesday is a huge money-maker for the restaurant. Of course, they’d like to see James back behind the DJ booth.
Cue Jax and Brittany Cartwright throwing a tantrum about James hurting Brittany’s feelings. Brittany needs to stop projecting her anger at Jax onto James. JAX embarrassed her – not James. Scheana Marie is strangely, scarily reasonable when she says that Brittany could not work Tuesdays and easily avoid James. I think it’s the 1992 newscaster suit mixed wet look Baywatch hair in the interview that allows Scheana to channel some brain cells.
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Then, Billie Lee pipes up for literally the first time this season to suggest that banning Kristen Doute from SUR would likely keep James in check. This causes and eruption from Katie Maloney and Lala Kent.They both feel James is so reprehensible that they fear for their lives if he’s around or some crap. Um, Tequila Katie needs to stop.
This whole time Lisa is trying to shout above them all until she finally just gives up and declares that James will remain fired; completely disregarding the wants of her managers.
OK, hypocrisy needs to be added to some special reality TV version of the DSMV manual of psychological disorders. The bottom line is that YES, James is and has been horrible. But no more so than anyone else on this show!
If Lisa wants to use James’ treatment of Katie and Brittany as an indictment against misogyny and girl bashing she’s gonna have to do much better than that. Like firing Jax (and Katie). Although Katie probably thinks because she took a self-esteem workshop from an Instagram coach that she’s evolved.
Stassi getting a book deal makes me sick. So, I’m gonna skip talking about that this obviously fake reality TV storyline of a book she didn’t actually write which will be a fake best-seller and eventually be in the dollar section of Barnes & Noble. Alongside Pretty Mess.
Lisa continues to set small goals for Tom 1 and Tom 2. She hopes baby steps will help them creep towards adulthood before they are collecting social security and getting senior citizen discounts at the movies.
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Daily Mail TV wants to host a party at Tom Tom before they officially open and because Lisa is only a business woman at her other restaurants now, naturally she says yes. Then she gives Tom and Tom the opportunity to wow her with craft cocktails potentially serve at the party. Tom 1 literally spends every waking moment (except for when he’s grooming his hair or gently exfoliating his face), creating cocktails and having Tom 2 sample them, so they have about 30 options for Lisa to choose from.
Lisa is feeling gracious after stomping on James‘ heart, which is basically a tiny record playing violin concertos of sadness, so she decides to serve them at the party. Then, as if she weren’t giving Tom 2 enough reason to have a panic attack, she reveals that Nick Alain, her restaurant designer will also be present this weekend, and last time the Toms met him they were hungover hot messes!
Brittany got a taste for venting her rage at the SUR Staff meeting. Then, she decides to rent out one of those rage rooms we saw on Real Housewives Of Dallas. Everything in there contained a picture of James‘ face. Kidding!
Stassi smashes things because pizza delivery people are depriving her of Ranch Dressing. That sounds like the perfect way to end up on one of those prison dating sites… when you are IN prison for assaulting the Papa John’s driver. Brittany is so repressed she starts crying onto a broken microwave’s door and begging it to stop slamming shut on her heart while opening it to reiki hoochies and biblically named empresses who are satan in disguise. Gotta have Hope, and Faith, and… probably Joy, Mercedes, and Navea!
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Afterwards, Brittany feels light and free. Then, Katie smashes her heart like it’s a coffee mug even Goodwill couldn’t sell, by reminding her that she’s marrying Jax, who will probably do something heinous before the wedding, so she should have some reservations, right? Nope! Brittany doesn’t caaaaare y’all. Cause she’s engaaaaayged. She resents anyone accusing Jax of using his dad’s death as excuse to say he’s changed. He changed before that, you guys, so stop hurting Brittany’s feelings. “I just wish people would believe in our relationship. It’s hard having to prove it all the time,” she complains. Now Brittany take these exact sentiments and pretend you’re Raquel Leviss. Now you know how she feels!
Later, Brittany repeats Katie’s concerns to Jax. He’s livid that Katie would dare question his relationship. After all, look at her own! And true point.
Apparently, Scheana needs to make up for her first failed Rob Valletta attempt by dating another Rob. This one even more ridiculous because it’s former Bachelorette contestant Robby Hayes, who happens to be Adam Spott’s good friend and roommate. And Scheana is also, kinda, sorta, hoping – desperately – to date Adam who won’t have her. So, she’s trying to make him jealous by dating Robby who also won’t sleep with her. Uggggh.
Obviously Scheana Instagram Stories her entire date with Robby just so Stassi can observe (and mock her). “See the thing is, you’re not my typical type” Scheana gushes to Robby, “You are too perfect!” Then they make out so Scheana can pretend to fulfill all her dreams of being on The Bachelorette. And Robby can remind people that his career is making out with lots of people he’s only semi-interested in to be on TV. It’s like porn for for polygamists!
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Or I dunno – maybe I’m being to harsh and Robby is dating Scheana for her sparkling wit and brilliant personality, and for the opportunity to put together her day bed in under 7 minutes while admiring her self-shrine to Scheanaism via the lovely artistic portraits on ever surface of her discount Scheana-Schrine emporium. “I definitely think he’s here for the right reasons!” Scheana chirps after their date.
Nick Alain arrives with a giant moving truck full of all the TomTom trappings – including a human-sized clocks – but the actual human-sized distractions are the uninvited appearance of Tom and Tom. It’s not Tom-Time! Lisa claims she wants to keep them in suspense by not allowing them to see the inside before everything is installed, but she probably just didn’t want them to know everything was arriving from iKea.
Anyway, they have more pressing matters to attend to – the “relaunch” of James.Mae, Kristen’s t-shirt collection. Silly me, I wasn’t aware this ever launched in the first place, but good for Kristen for getting another reality TV non-job. Next she’ll be making out with Scheana to extend her 15 minutes… Oh wait, I shouldn’t give her ideas, should I?
James.Mae. is ridiculous. And given that James seems to be a bad omen, Kristen should probably change the name. I was hoping hoping hoping James would revenge crash however. Kristen’s mom is adorable though.
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The party, likes everything Kristen does, quickly goes south. First, Tom 2 tells Katie that Daily Mail specifically asked James to DJ the party. Obviously, they must oblige. They are now in Lisa’s shoes. Hopefully, they will choose business over Katie’s wounded pride. Tom 1 and Lisa have decided the obvious solution is that Katie doesn’t have to attend the party. That’s not OK with Katie who is obviously going to put aside her principals to support Tom 2. #Sarcasm. But of course she’s attending – even though she vowed to Lisa that she would never be in the same room with James again.
Then Stassi’s mom, Dayna, sexually harasses Beau and begs him not to leave Stassi because she needs grandchildren. In front of Beau she warns Stassi not mess things up. She also warns Beau that Stassi is a real handful who drinks too much. “You’re actually down here and he’s up here,” she cackles, while Stassi glares like she’s the pizza delivery guy who forgot her ranch.
Lala has decided to try and make herself a better person by reaching out to James. They don’t have to be friends, but she wants one more opportunity to tell James how he can improve his life.
Lala prepares for the meeting by leaving her false eyelashes at home in case she cries, but it’s obviously James who cries. It ended up being a good meeting where James admitted his behavior has been bad and that he’d like another chance, over time, to redeem himself. “I have to fix myself first before I start fixing everything else.”
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The episode ends with Stassi, Katie, and Kristen taking their moms out in LA for a girl’s night. Dayna seems drunk before they even arrive. She starts like sniffing Stassi and cleaning her like a cat, and then starts lecturing Stassi about how her baggage, which is clearly from TJ Maxx, will carry over into her relationship with Beau. Stassi is understandably cringing and freaking out over her mom being weird. However, Kristen turns it around to be Stassi’s fault for not being more compassionate to her mother. This is before anyone’s even done with their first drink.
Kristen starts having some sort of panic attack while Stassi screams at her, until Dayna leaves the table in a flood of tears and Kristen goes chasing after her. “I just need her to hold me,” Dayna wails, as Katie and Kristen’s moms console her. Shockingly Katie was the calm one here, just focusing on her pasta and disinterestedly talking Stassi down from the ledge. “I feel like I’m watching my past and my fixture worlds colliding,” Katie observes as if that pasta is magic pasta. As all pasta is on Vanderpump Rules.
Man are Stassi and her mom two peas in a crazy pod?! “I’m scared that one day that’s gonna be me,” says Stassi. Oh honey, it is.
TELL US- TELL US – ARE STASSI AND HER MOM SIMILAR? SHOULD LISA HAVE GIVEN JAMES A SECOND CHANCE AT SUR? WAS LALA SINCERE IN HER SIT-DOWN WITH JAMES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
