Still with me after that headline? Good, remember we are in this together… Romance is alive and well in LA, y’all. Currently there are no single cast members of Vanderpump Rules. Well, except for Scheana Marie who is presently hitting the sheets with Adam Spott (RUN ADAM, RUN!). But Adam doesn’t want a commitment because he secretly fears Scheana is young and on a television show. That said, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright are in the midst of planning their mashed potato buffet wedding. Stassi Schroeder is busy teaching Beau Clark the finer points of subtle emotional abuse. Longtime loves Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix are chilling in their expensive new abode. Lala Kent is serving her master sucking on baby bottles to keep those Gucci slide perks from Daddy coming her way. Basically they are all quite busy doing the Lord’s work.
And then we have the epitome of married bliss, Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. What a perfect example of true unity, am I right? I picture them holding hands, happily skipping through a field of edibles wildflowers, and toasting each other on being the forefront of #relationshipgoals. So what is the secret to their love that shines so bright? I’m not entirely sure we want to know…
Tom 2 and Katie admittedly have an unconventional marriage. Exhibit A, Stassi accompanied them on their 2016 honeymoon. Because why shouldn’t newlyweds have their best friend tag along on what is supposed to be the kickoff of bonding for a new married couple? Being on a show where cameras are constantly following you allows the “stars” to open up and share details that might otherwise remain in the dark. Sometimes though, TMI is a very real thing.
Us Weekly shared a tidbit from the Vanderpump Rules After Show. Our fairly harmless Tom 2 was caught by his beloved watching television during sexual relations. I almost can’t. “Did he tell you the one time that he watched Two and a Half Men during sex,” co-star Jax asked the off -screen moderator. “He started watching TV when — what did you say? — when Katie was on top of you? … And Katie found out that you were watching TV?”
Okay, I might need a second to think about jury duty, never-ending laundry, or being stuck in traffic. Whatever it takes to prevent the visual of Katie on top of anything, anywhere, at any time. But here we are.
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Tom 2 attempted to explain himself, “I was more sober, and she was more, you know … It was a good episode! It was when Charlie Sheen was still on. No offense to Ashton Kutcher. I love him too. But I liked it more when Charlie Sheen was on there, and I got caught up in an episode. Eventually, she set me straight, though.”
It happens, right? Does it happen? Okay, it happens for them. Let’s all be thankful it was an episode starring Charlie Sheen so Schwartz could pass the time. Could you imagine if he was forced to turn the channel? Quellehorreur!
You know, some people like candles and roses. Others prefer music and poetry. But not Katie and her Bubba! Their romance relies on 834 bags of Skittles and maybe some Cool Ranch Doritos if it is a particularly crazy night. Hang on though, Schwartzypoo and his lady love have “kicked it up a notch in the romance department”. I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Yep, I bet someone is calling Domino’s Pizza to get a pie on the way – you need something to look forward to.
But the couple shared a laugh over Tom 2’s romantic gesture in Mexico, even though it produced no results except passing out. Tom shared, “We wanted to [have sex],” he said. “We had every intention on doing so, but we were so tired and hungover from three days of just nonstop vacay mode, drinking, eating, minimal sleep. We just both passed out. But it was in a beautiful embrace. We made out a little.”
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Mr. and Mrs. Cringeworthy, your table is ready! I’m so jelly about their “beautiful embrace”, it must have been mind-blowing. Tom 2 also admits Katie is the primary sex initiator of the couple, “poor Katie has to initiate all the time,” he said, as Tom 1 and Jax are barely containing their pity laughter. Hey, every couple has their quirks.
Personally, I would like to thank both Katie and Tom 2 for their candor. This brief glimpse into their married life has been… depressing refreshing.
TELL US- ARE YOU SURPRISED BY THIS REVELATION BY TOM SCHWARTZ? DO YOU THINK THIS MARRIAGE WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME?
[Photo Credit: Charles Sykes/Bravo]
