Tears. So many tears on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. JuneJune, Sadness. JuneJuneGladness. Maybe JuneJune staying would not have been so bad, eh. We also saw the long awaited return of Ben Robinson. I have many thoughts about this. Many deep, snarkily pureed and hopefully beautifully executed thoughts.
So Colin Macy-O’Toole is about fall on his sword (anchor?) for June Foster. June has just been dismissed as Captain Sandy Yawn plays chess with inappropriately long hugs and meaningful glances followed up by Free Ice Cream Sunday coupons upon return to Florida. So June is out, Anastasia Surmava is down in the corner as third stew again, and Ben is approaching the boat to save everyone from poor tips.
And Colin, well, Colin is knight in shining armor dreaming of a home cooked pot of mommy’s Mac and cheese. If only he can get untangled from this daggone anchor known as Joao Franco‘s emotional neediness.
Obviously, the only sensible solution is for Colin to go home, where Mommy doesn’t use fabric softener that gives him a rash, and let June, a girl with dreams of working the juicer on a yacht, be promoted to deckhand. The problem with this, as Captain Sandy points out, is that June would be a VERY green deckhand.
Plus they’ve only got three charters left and are already stuck with Jack Stirrup and Travis Michalzik who are about as useless as your average charter guests unless they’re arranging surf boards shaped like bananas or scuba diving to save anchor. To train June in the middle of all this mess would equal a bigger disaster than brining Mila back as chef!
Captain Sandy gives Colin a nice long hug, slowly rubbing his back like his mommy does, then cries that she can’t lose him. And being babied is Colin’s Achilles heel. So he escorts June to the dock, signs her yearbook, they exchange addresses, and Colin promises to write from summer camp. June also cries. Because Colin is a good egg. Not a quail egg, but an egg she understands. A normal old American egg: fried or scrambled, served with ketchup and hash browns, with a side of bacon… Now June wants eggs. And now that she’s off this boat she can eat whenever she wants!! Hurrah for June.
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Colin goes back to scrubbing railings people puked on and feeling sad. Did anyone else feel a little creeped out by Captain Sandy‘s long drawn-out hugging and touching with Colin?
As Ben strolls on board, making Hannah Ferrier realize she’s traded one bad egg (June) for another, Anastasia, is thrilled to be doing some brainless cleaning again. Vacuum, won’t you be thy boyfriend? It’s so mindless, in fact, Anastasia forgets how to do her responsibilities and spends a lot of time bumbling around ala June. At least Anastasia can answer her radio. Do we think June but a hex on the third stew position? If Anastasia forgets to put an orange on the juicer while Ben lights the kitchen on fire, we’ll know for sure!
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Hannah has worked with Ben before, and it was both good and bad. Ben is a talented chef who can get food on the table that isn’t one step above a Hello Fresh box, but he’s also an arrogant jerk who takes his stress out on everyone. Also his caustic humor can be a like being forced onto a deserted island (Eze?) with nothing to eat but lemons!
In order to accommodate a new male crew member, Hannah decides to send Jack and Aesha Scott straight to a dramatic split with a hijink I’d fully believe was orchestrated by producers if Hannah weren’t so dastardly on her own: she decides they’ll be rooming together so Ben can bunk up with Travis.
Travis is sad to lose his bromance with a man who has seen his dick more than all the girls he’s dated combined, but he also understands that Jack will probably never get past 2nd base with Aesha if they don’t have some alone time.
Aesha has decided not to sleep with Jack until she’s certain about her feelings. Which I rather respect. It’s nice to see a little old-fashioned values from a girl who explains that there’s no point to a man otherwise because she can accomplish the “P in V” with her fingers.
So let’s discuss Ben for a second. It’s nice to know that he’s still wearing jeans from 2007 (upcycle!). Equally nice that he’s never changed his early ’00’s boyband hair. Ben’s throwback may became a current trend if he keeps it any longer. But on the positive, this negligence about updating his appearance is because Ben is devoting all of his innovation into cooking.
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Ben steps on board 2 hours before the oncoming charter and is immediately bombarded by an induction stove which doesn’t work, the chaos of food delivery, and a preference sheet meeting for what is going to be a demanding charter full of desperate cougars channelling all of their divorce bitterness into a love of gourmet food.
They also apparently haven’t heard of the MeToo movement as they gleefully and unabashedly sexually harass every male crew member. Except Colin, probably his mother sent them a C&D letter after receiving notice from the plant she has in production that some hoochies were headed towards her son’s innocent and gentle soul. Colin will not be sullied by hussies! JuneJune MamaColin…. JuneJune Mama Colin… We’re waiting for you in Lawwwng Island, and we have sauce. We know you like to eat!
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Within seconds of scrambling around the kitchen the size of a shoebox, Ben realizes he may have made a very serious mistake in returning to yachting. But it’s too late because here comes Laura, the co-primary, and her band of merry unmaidens, ready to drink themselves into an embarrassing stupor. They want tequila and cocktails round the clock, and expect impressive food.
Luckily all the eye candy is distracting them. First they drool over Joao as he bends over the anchor. Then they practically molest Jack as he cleans in their vicinity. One of them attempts to human traffic Travis back to Canada with her. With their mutual love of alcohol, that may not be a bad match! It turns out Travis’ dad was born in Canada, so he has citizenship even though he’s never been.
To help tide Ben over while he gets acclimated, Hannah allows Anastasia stay in the galley as the new ‘Travis‘. Anastasia is not happy to be forced to confront her own failures while watching Ben whip up an amazing lunch before even figuring out where the salt is. Anastasia grows red in the face, and visibly panic-stricken even being in the galley.
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I truly think it was more about Anastasia being forced to reconcile with what a true yacht chef is capable of. The women LOVED lunch and it sets a high bar for what Ben does for the remainder of the charter, but then again that was his plan all along. Wow them with the first meal because then they’re less critical throughout the remainder of the charter. I like a man with strategic manipulation on his back burner. Broken burner that it may be.
Doing two role has, neither of which she’s actually prepared for or capable of, leaves Anastasia flustered. Like I said – June cursed her! One of the guest leaves her dinner dress to be steamed and instead Anastasia carelessly tosses it in the washing machine with a pile of other laundry – including the guests’ jeans, which were also not meant to be washed either. Even with Aesha reminding Anastasia several times to steam the dress! I guess being a third stew requires SOME brainpower after all…
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Later when the woman comes to collect her garment Captain Sandy has to help find it only to discover it has been accidentally laundered. Anastasia flippantly apologizes and the woman was gracious about it (re: wasted and confused) but Sandy is annoyed that Hannah doesn’t have better control over the interior – especially after all the complaining she did about June’s incompetence and wanting her ‘Dream Team’ back! Sandy is also not impressed by the side of Anastasia who doesn’t care about the guests’ items. As Aesha explains the guests are made of gold and their things should be treated as sacred relics! Yeah, sure…
Joao, meanwhile, is finally operating with a fully functioning crew – especially as Jack has decided to work in order to impress Captain Sandy enough to avoid getting fired until Aesha sleeps with him. But all good things have a flip side and now they are literally floating through jellyfish infested waters, which means no water toys except the jet skis. Can you eat jellyfish? Serve it as a main course? Fresh Fresh Fresh!
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The ladies are more than happy to ride on jet skis when escorted by a MALE driver. As a consolation prize, Joao sets up Yacht Golf featuring biodegradable golfballs made of fish food. It’s also the perfect way to take out ex-husband induced aggression by announcing, on national TV, that his balls were limp, tiny, and smelly – and definitely deserved to be smacked with several alimony payments! Why are these women not on a Real Housewives franchise somewhere? Especially the one who talked about having sex with the washing machine. Or the one who bragged about being horny even though she’s pre-menopausal. I hope that’s on her eharmony profile!
By the time dinner rolls around, the guests are so drunk they can barely walk to the table. Which is a good thing because Ben is a total stressed-out clusterfuck, who is panicking over the broken burners. He still manages to make gorgeously plated pea puree thing, but half the guests send it back with no explanation. Perhaps it’s because they couldn’t eat for drooling over Travis? Perhaps they don’t like raw fish with raw quail eggs for sauce but they’re supposed to be foodies, so…
Travis was very charming this episode, wasn’t he? Starting with his hilarious narration of Joao running in the rocks to untether the yacht, as if Joao was part of a National Geographic special. Later Travis put on an American accent to mock the charter guests and their overly-sexed demands. It’s such a shame that Travis’ alcohol misuse truly is ruining an otherwise fun personality on a good looking man.
Two steps forward, one giant float back however! Travis (or someone), ties up the tender incorrectly and right in the middle of dinner service Captain Sandy gets a call from Jack over the radio that another boat has returned their tender. The tender no one even noticed was missing! Captain Sandy is mortified and totally confused. Was Travis drinking again? Is Joao a bad leader? Is Colin just distracted by his long-lost-love June?
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Then there are galley issues. Again! And of course! Just when Captain Sandy comes to check in on dinner, one of the very drunk guests complains that her food is cold and sends it back. Her dish isn’t hot, but the risotto in the pan still is. And the other guest have hot food? My guess is the woman waited so long to eat, it had grown cold. Or, possibly, the broken burner isn’t heating the food evenly. Ben is affronted and immediately annoyed. How dare some drunk hussy accuse him of not being able to properly temp risotto! Who does that woman thin he is? An untrained imposter named Anastasia?!
Screw June – I’m beginning to think the last chef put a hex on the galley. There is literally no other way to explain why NO ONE can get food out hot and ready. If Little Caesars can do it, Ben can too!
TELL US – ARE YOU GLAD BEN IS BACK ON BELOW DECK MEDITERRANEAN? SHOULD CAPTAIN SANDY LET COLIN RESIGN? IS THIS THE LAST WE’LL SEE OF JUNE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
