Watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting hit by the Kelly Dodd train. Her emotions were all over the place. I’m not sure if I blame the drinks or the desert, but all’s well that … Well, I don’t want to say “end,” so, “pauses(?) well,” because Kelly and Vicki Gunvalson have forged peace! Tequila for all!
The episode opens with amazing flashbacks. Like I’m watching a Dateline 48 Hours mystery, which is hilarious, because the backwards clock makes me realize it has only been TWENTY-FOUR hours.
What’s even more amusing is that this is a day in the life cycle of Vicki Gunvalson: lie, deny, blame, repeat… Vicki is angry at Kelly for lashing out at her, but Vicki continuously pokes the beehive with her witchy acrylic nail, then cries cancer when she gets stung.
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Just after Emily Simpson made a tepid peace with Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador, Vicki jumps in to insist no one is trying to be hurtful. Prompting Kelly to wonder if spreading cocaine and train rumors was innocent? Then she storms out. Not two seconds later Vicki, vibrating with sanctimonious rage, begins ranting that Kelly has no right to make judgements about her behavior when she’s banned from Jolie’s school.
Vicki won’t reveal how she knows this, because “schematics” don’t matter. Huh? Does Vicki mean semantics? Schematics are the diagrams used to organize items in a vending machine. They are not a diagram for how to systematically destroy your former friend’s reputation, one bag of Pringles and a dimepiece at a time.
Vicki allegedly heard this from a woman at her hair salon, who was in the neighboring chair, and has a daughter who goes to school with Jolie. Vicki thinks she deserves props (a cookie?!) for not revealing this for over a year. Tamra has the decency to pretend to be aghast, and lectures Vicki that she just can’t go around repeating whatever she hears without proof. (Even though the train things started with Tamra.) It’s called “rumors” and Fleetwood Mac made an entire album about how they ruin people’s lives. Maybe this should be required listening for the ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County? Presently the only required listening is the sound of Kelly and Shannon’s shrieks. And if you can survive a sound bath of those you can find the zen anywhere!
In the other villa, Emily immediately informs Kelly about the latest rumor to spin out of the Vicki Gunvalson Gossip Wheel. Kelly freaks out and calls Michael for verification that she’s allowed to attend school assemblies. Was she double checking?
Then Kelly calls Shannon to unleash an unholy fury, the likes of which would cause red rock slides and crystals to shatter into energy corrupted shards. While Kelly is screaming that she refuses to be around a psycho like Vicki, Vicki grabs the phone. Kelly calls her a pig, a c-u-next-Tuesday, and every other name in the un-zen book.
Braunwyn Windham-Burke was feeling mighty optimistic about the future of Emily and Gina Kirschenheiter‘s friendship. She was ready for some peace and positivity. Now she’s just ready for a drink.
Vicki expects Tamra to pick sides, but Tamra blames Vicki for starting the mess, then not wanting to face the consequences. In turn Vicki blames Emily for repeating rumors. After all, Vicki wouldn’t never just go and repeat something she heard… Nope!
Then it’s time for beekeeping! Shannon demands they all “bee-have.” Kelly won’t have to worry about that, because she’s not going!
All the other ladies wear leggings with each other’s faces on them while Kelly goes hot-tubbing. Kelly eschewing the leggings is why she can’t get along with people! Obviously Shannon believes the face leggings are the key to everlasting friendship and healing!
Poor Noel, the beekeeper, gets suffocated in a war of queen bees when Tamra sexually harasses him on behalf of Shannon who needs a little drone drilling in her life. It sounds like Gina needs it more than Shannon, though, because as Noel drones on and on about how the Queen Bee gets off (then discards her mates), Gina is turned on by “bee porn.” It’s been a long, dry spell devoid of honey since Matt left. Tamra notes that the queen bee “pulls a train” — like some other wannabe queen bee we all know!
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Honestly, everyone should be required to wear a protective suit around Vicki and Tamra’s stingers! Also – for the record Noel is not interested in Shannon. His relationship status is “it’s complicated.”
Kelly cavorts, naked, in the hot tub and calls Jolie to report on what Vicki said. Jolie is bored of the whole thing and advises Kelly to take Vicki’s comments with a grain of salt because she’s only using Kelly to have something interesting in her life. Clearly Kelly has never considered this. Poor Jolie…
Having your friend’s face up your butt must work some magic, becuase Emily and Gina manage a heart-to-heart.
Emily is honest that things with Shane have been really rocky, so as weird as it sounds, him showing up in Vegas meant a lot. And Gina making fun of her with Tamra and Shannon hurt. “I felt abandoned by you,” Emily bemoans, which sets off a whole new misunderstanding with Gina. Like, this is the ‘Gina Has Bad Things Happen Only‘ show – now that she’s taken ov-ah since Shannon went to QVC to sell some fish cakes stuffed with Easy Cheese, and like she’s the one who actually got abandoned when Matt met a hoochie with bigger leopard print, so like Emily can’t use that word without paying Gina dibs and a royalty check. Gina’s queen bee of bad feelings, guyzzzz! Also like Shannon gets what Gina is going through because she got left for a tortilla chip and still can’t hear the rustle of a bag without needing to squeeze 9 healing crystals into a bowl of vodka.
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Hasn’t Emily also been divorced? But still, Gina can be friends with Shannon and Tamra AND Emily, so long as Gina doesn’t talk shit about Emily with Shannon and Tamra. Like she has been. Which is a problem. Gina also accuses Emily of abandoning her in a time of need when she went to Vegas for 3 days. But they decide to fix things, and both genuinely apologize, cause like friends! Which is nice, girls, and you know they mean it.
And now the women have to cook their own dinner! Why can’t they just heat up one of Shannon’s frozen meals?
The mood is tense as everyone prepares for the dinner of doom. Kelly calls Brian for some centering and he makes Choo- Choo noises like she’s an infant needing to be force-fed sanity.
Kelly is hurt that Tamra and Shannon are oblivious to how upsetting she finds their friendship with Vicki. She talks to Tamra every day, and gets dinner with Shannon once a week…yet they’re just dismissing her for 1/3 of the tres amigas.
Braunwyn and Emily coach Kelly on how to handle being forced to interact with Vicki. Kelly’s attitude is, “Persona non f–king grata with that bitch.” But the first lesson in being the bigger person is to not cuss the lesser person out. Instead the plan is “smile and nod,” but continue to flip Vicki off in secret. Basically Kelly should button her lips together like Veronica Beard jeans, while looking dead around the eyes. You know, kinda like Vicki!
Also Kelly wears $60 lipstick, so her lips better look good buttoned up! No wonder she has such insanely high AmEx bills!
In the other villa, the plan is fun, and also cloning. Tamra, Shannon, Vicki are all wearing Veronica Beard pants. Tres Amigas with the tres buttons! Sisterhood of the buttoned pants! Too bad they can’t have sisterhood of the buttoned lips. Vicki isn’t stressed about seeing Kelly because she’s got brown circles under her eyes to worry about instead. “What procedure now do I need to do?” she frets. “I think it’s being tired,” suggests Tamra. Um, when did Tamra become a voice of reason? In the immortal words of Vicki Gunvalson, Season Cancer: “Saton is confusing!”
Meanwhile Gina just wants to make like Cyndi Lauper and be a girl who has some fun. She’s jonesing for one fun moment “like a crackhead needs a hit.” Errrmmm.. bad time, again, for druggie jokes! Instead of fun the tension is about to burst open some button-fly designer jeans.
Emily decides to play a game where she pretends Tamra is her best friend. Her best friend ever! Her partner in crime and bar tending and making Gina jealous?! I’m not sure if Emily is trying to prove a point to Tamra that she wants to be friends by throwing it in her face or to Gina that two can play this game. I’m also not sure if it backfires or not, but at least there was no picking on Emily! Tamra has bigger cocktails to shake up – like continuing to maintain her balance in the fence walk between Vicki and Kelly. More like crip walk.
Tonight’s activity is another one that is ‘Pure Shannon‘ meaning she’s the only one who would find cooking lessons enjoyable on a vacation. They start with cocktails (it looked delicious), then move onto the main course where the chef hands every woman a knife. These women already used metaphorical knives to stab each other in the back (see: Kelly/Vicki; Tamra/Kelly…) now they have the opportunity to literally stab each other. Like Emily said, Kelly has already committed two assaults on this trip – and Vicki wasn’t even there yet!
Over cooking Tamra sidles up to Kelly to mention how she so told Vicki spreading rumors is like soooo bad. Kelly isn’t impressed. The smile and nod applies to Tamra too! If Tamra truly felt like Vicki was in the wrong, she’d stop being friends with her! In response Tamra can one grimace and nod. Knife/back – meet Tamra. Like, who’s knifing whom? Actually, who’s squeezing whom? Because suddenly everyone is talking about lactating and Braunwyn yanks down her dress, and lets Kelly squeeze her boob to show that milk still comes out. Tamra is disgusted by this inappropriate and uncouth behavior at a dinner table! This from the woman who takes off her top (and her pants) every season and propositioned her husband with anal at a housewarming party in front her children and neighbors. CLASS.
What happens in Vegas certainly doesn’t stay in Vegas. And smile and nod doesn’t go nearly as far as two-fingered flip-off! Tamra asks Emily about Vegas, which we know was only fishing (the main course in all of Shannon’s TV dinners!). Kelly shares that after Emily’s performance they went to one of those destruction parks. To help channel her anger, Kelly spray painted a picture of a pig on the hood of a beater car, wrote Vicki’s name on it, then pummeled it to death with a backhoe before frying it up and eating it with eggs for breakfast the following morning. You know, therapy! Kelly insists she actually thinks Vicki is pretty, but wanted to hurt her with the pig comment. Vicki’s just ugly on the inside!
Being called pretty is the way to any Housewife’s heart. Suddenly Vicki and Kelly are both crying. I’ve never seen a break- through like this from Kelly Dodd, and I loved it. Kelly was honest and forthcoming, in admitting that she was intentionally trying to hurt Vicki the way Vicki hurt her. Kelly just doesn’t understand how Vicki could turn on her. So they cry and hug, and Vicki admits that she was wrong to make the cocaine comment. “I surrender,” Vicki wails; baptized by Kelly’s tears into a new version of a friend: cleansed, renewed, and born afresh into a queen bee goddesses love. Until she plummets down to earth after being discarded… But for now, positive!
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Vicki promises she’s done with the low blows, and Kelly can’t stop sobbing: for Jolie’s ruined reputation, for the hurt that has calcified inside her soul and won’t lactate out, for the sadness at losing a friend… No one cries that hard over someone they don’t plan to forgive!
I believe in a friendship with these two. Tamra doesn’t though. Neither does Shannon. They both look disappointed, and slightly afraid. “Tequila please,” Tamra bellows, then announces it’s time to get naked in the hot tub! Will the miracles of Miraval never cease? Will the over-sharing never runneth dry?
Emily and Gina are rekindling friendship – wearing swimsuits – when Braunwyn and Tamra burst in stark naked and needing attention. Braunwyn shares that for Sean’s “monumental birthdays” (like his 40th) she gave him the gift of a three-way with a friend of a friend. Emily is scandalized. I mean Shane won’t even watch her dance in lingerie and the Book of Mormon dictates that he wear special purity undies, so a three-way is a no way!
It comes out that Sean is essentially watching Braunwyn and some other girl have sexy times. If Braunwyn could pick one RHOC to be her bosom buddy, that would, of course, be Tamra. Really? Cause we hear Kelly rides trains!
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]
