There’s been many a times I’ve suffered second-hand embarrassment while watching a Real Housewives show, but last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was officially THE WORST. I was literally blowing a metaphorical whistle at the TV as I witnessed Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Tamra Judge‘s dry-humping. Too much tongue is often a problem on Bravo, but usually in a very different way.
Tamra has the brilliant idea to take a train down to Del Mar, fill plastic penises with vodka, and pass out train conductor whistles to celebrate Shannon Beador‘s 55th birthday party. Cause nothing says middle-age like a drunken orgy!
This trip has historical significance for several reasons: 1) Del Mar is Shannon’s old haunt, from back when she was “fun Shannon,” chugging Andre champagne and stalking surfer dudes; 2) It references the train rumor that so plagued Kelly Dodd‘s indefatigable reputation; 3) Meghan King Edmonds is attending for some unknown reason.
Now, first of all, Tamra totally planned this train trip with the intention of pissing off Kelly. Vicki Gunvalson tries to warn Tamra. Vicki is either trying to make herself look good by being all ‘Oh no Tamra — Kelly won’t like this joke,’ or Vicki really is stupid enough to believe Tamra doesn’t get it.
Kelly beats Tamra at her own game, though, by being OK with Tamra’s idea of a joke. Good for Kelly’s, uh, momentary maturity. I guess when that didn’t work out Tamra had to up the ante by making out with Braunwyn. Now back to Shannon’s wild days in San Diego!
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Why are there no photos showed from this time? Because in reality Shannon was installing tracking devices on her crush’s surfboard and Lysol wiping the bottle of champagne in between sips because sharing germs can give you mono and mono is toxic to the body’s system, and although seashells contain trace minerals to clarify, sand up the hoo-hah can cause labial abrasions which means NO beach sex, cause omg that sand hasn’t been sterilized with ultrasonic rays at a certain frequency and stored in a hyperbaric chamber of pure oxygen for 101 days of 40 degree sunlight. Also, Shannon doesn’t sleep with surfers who don’t give out promise rings and life jackets. And also condoms, but not latex cause – not organic!
Basically ‘Fun Shannon‘ only existed in her imagination.
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Moving along, Emily Simpson is also not in the mood for fun. Gina Kirschenheiter still isn’t speaking to her and Emily doesn’t understand. There she is sitting all by herself on the train platform, feeling like she got Carrie’d by being told to meet someplace while everyone goes to a different platform to party in Santa Monica instead. And then Meghan arrives.
Meghan is wearing a conductor’s hat and investigating Emily’s feelings 5 seconds into meeting her. Meghan’s spy-dy senses just know something’s wrong! What’s wrong turns up wearing a coat that looks like my grandmother’s bathmat from 1972 and a wig straight out of a New Jersey prom. Gina completely ignores Emily but hugs everyone else “hello.” Gina isn’t being passive aggressive – this is how mature friends act when they just need some space!
Tamra passes out dildos. Then they all get on board a passenger train full of commuters who look on, scandalized, as Kelly proceeds to use a gummy penis to demonstrate the proper way to give a blow job. Shannon has never heard of this newfangled sex act. Afterwards Kelly reveals that she’s fighting with Dr. Brian because he didn’t call her post-surgery and went to a bar to unwind instead. As a girlfriend, Kelly feels she deserves hourly check-ins, but Brian thinks she’s being insecure. Kelly’s response to that is that he should do more to reassure her. Kellogic!
When Bravo turns into a AfterSchool Special on how to hoochie with a cross between Girl On The Train, someone needs to call Vivid Entertainment.
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Also, just so everyone is clear: Braunwyn will do three-ways (and Tamra) but not BJs. Unless it’s for bags. But no teabagging.
Tamra and Vicki keep pressing the issue about what’s going on between a sulking Gina and Emily. First Tamra asks Gina how her date went, and Gina bellows that she got stood-up (she didn’t – “Stood up” is when the person doesn’t show up to the actual date, not when they called beforehand and properly canceled alongside a photo of a broken toe). Later at dinner, Vicki continues prying, which leads to a huge fight between Emily and Gina. Vicki and Tamra couldn’t be more obvious!
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Two people who are getting along marvelously are Vicki and Kelly. “I’m not going to forgive what she’s done, but I’m trying to forget because I know it’s the right thing to do,” explains Kelly.
Over dinner, Shannon decides to blow her whistle whenever she sees a “handsome” man for herself or Gina, but honestly she mostly uses that whistle to referee fights and call off Braunwyn from mauling Tamra with her tongue. The first recipients are Gina and Emily.
Emily realizes that Gina is talking about her to Vicki, Tamra, and Kelly so she stomps to the bathroom with Meghan hot on her heels, and Braunwyn trailing after. Emily is livid that Gina won’t speak to her, but is obviously discussing why she’s angry with the rest of the group; leaving Emily iced out. Braunwyn runs back to the table to tattle and Gina goes barging into the bathroom.
Inside the ladies room (oxymoron if I ever heard one), Gina yells at Meghan for getting involved, and blames Emily for involving her. OMG – Meghan was literally just trying to pee! And HAAAAA to the random women standing in line for the bathroom like how did I end up on Jerry Springer Candid Cam?
Gina also claims Emily is hiding in the bathroom on purpose, knowing Gina is a germaphobe, and forcing her to go in there. What kind of germaphobe never cleans her house and constantly sits on the floor? Anyway, Gina truly believes Emily tried to purposefully set her up on a bunko date. She also thinks Emily should accept Gina ignoring for as long as it takes. Emily decides to bail and runs outside to wait for an Uber. Then Gina trash talks Emily to Meghan. The same Meghan Gina just said shouldn’t be involved.
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Obviously Gina finds Emily outside so they bicker more, before deciding they’re definitely not friends. All this over Shane’s cousin.
Shannon is irritate – this is supposed to be her party yet it’s become all about Emily. Shannon dispatches Kelly – of all undiplomatic people – to haul them out of the bathroom. Kelly is leery of this plan, because as she succinctly puts it, “Nothing good comes out in a bathroom. Shannon should know.” FOR. THE. WIN.
In the end, Kelly does a decent job mediating even after Shannon and Tamra also come out to scream and blow whistles at Emily for ruining everything, but at least Emily comes back to the table so they can go terrorize the next restaurant. And terrorize is an major understatement. MAJOR.
Shannon just wants a kiss for her birthday. Not a workout for the O Shot, but a simple kiss. Unfortunately, the only people kissing are Tamra and Braunwyn. These two were allllll over each other in the middle of the restaurant. In the midst of whistles, shrieking, a crying Emily and Gina, and the disgusted eyes of neighboring diners. Shannon did try to warn the other patrons upon their arrival…
How small was this restaurant? Because it appeared that the other diners were literally sitting on top of the Housewives, as they watched a dinner theater of Grannies Gone Wild – the made for TV, censored version.
Things kick off with Shannon waving a tequila shot and screaming that 55 is gonna rock! Especially when she uses her AARP discount card at concert venues! And in Dr. Brian’s office, where she’s apparently renting a room since she’s in there every other week for procedures. (Of course, the O Shot came from there!)
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Then, Tamra proceeds to lead Shannon around the restaurant shrieking for single guys to come out, come out wherever they are because “Shannon’s looking to get laid.” Every single guy is married. And hiding. I’m sure they were all standing on toilet seats hoping Tamra couldn’t find her with her beady little eyes and flickering snout attuned to cheap aftershave.
Since Shannon’s sexual tension must remain intact, we get to hear more about Braunwyn’s over-sexed Life. She no longer finds men attractive and when she is having sex with Sean, imagines other women. Guess what – Tamra also does all this too!! Um, last week, Eddie was the hottest guy in the world and their sex life was sooooooo amazingly HOTTT, and gay rumors were destroying everything. Now Tamra is fantasizing about other women? Something smells fishy…
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Only Gina, ill-situated as always, sits between them and sucking tequila-scented lip gloss off each other’s lips. Luckily, after a warning lick from Tamra, a whistle blow, and an ‘I love you’ from Emily, Gina moves to safety. Immediately they start making out. At one point Braunwyn even had her hands down Tamra’s shirt fondling her boobs. And how does all this cheating on Eddie fit in with Tamra’s inconvenient faith? What Would Satan Do? (WWSD) A: Tamra.
UGH. Is all I have to say to Tamra and Braunwyn jumping on the I Kissed A Girl train about 20 years too late. Just stop with the college sorority girls antics to appear edgy. No one wants to taste bitter cherry chapstick. As Vicki frantically attempts to referee Braunwyn and Tamra’s tongue twisting and Shannon clutches her penis pendant with shock. Gina and Emily have a serious-ish heart to heart.
Another drunk sorority girl cliche, but one I much prefer. Gina acknowledges that she knows Emily would never knowingly hurt her and gives Emily the chance to explain that the cousin isn’t one Shane is close with, so she truly had no idea. Gina forgives her, but complains there’s a “character flaw” in Emily which makes their relationship difficult. Emily’s only character flaw is being too forgiving.
Gina is a nightmare human being who needs to worry less about dating and more about getting her license restored. Also Gina was blaming Emily for trying to make her look bad by wanting her to party in Vegas, yet partying in Del Mar with penis pops = totally acceptable!
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Kelly is annoyed by Vicki’s holier than thou attitude, like she’s an extension of Steve’s badge by policing vag. Honestly, it’s moments like these when I miss Heather Dubrow. This would never happen on her scrutinizing gaze, but as it stands we have Vicki not getting the irony in her playing morality police. Too bad she didn’t succeed. I have nothing against Braunwyn and Tamra being attracted to each other, but I have something against attention-seeking stunts from middle-aged mothers whose children will have to see this.
Mid-screech about threesomes Tamra drunkenly collapses off her chair. Vicki and Shannon both tumble trying to rescue her. Vicki’s hair gets caught in Tamra’s shirt, so they’re both paralyzed, and Shannon whacks tooth on table. When they finally disentangle themselves, the entire restaurant claps. Then Shannon cries about what an amazing birthday she’s having. Which was really sweet.
They finally leave this restaurant to lick it’s wounds, and travel to a neighboring club where Kelly tries to bribe the bouncers with $200 to dance with Shannon. Given that the entire city of Del Mar was warned to vacate at their impending arrival, these dudes were pretty much the only dicks in the place! Too bad they’d much rather dance with Kelly.
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Of course Braunwyn is twerking all over Tamra, and grabbing her butt on the dance floor. Tamra’s shirt was completely wide open at one point. Later Braunwyn literally mounts Tamra as she’s passing out at a booth. Braunwyn was almost acting like a sexual predator. Emily feels like she’s at a sex show, and wonders if there will be donkeys next. Well, with Braunwyn’s braying laugh she’s not far off!
Vicki decides she’s had enough of “Brown Wind” polluting their friend group with her groping and grasping for attention so she calls a car to come pick her up.
“Braunwyn bugs the shit out of me,” complains Vicki. “She’s trash.” Vicki doesn’t like that Braunwyn is always trying to be center of attention. AKA, taking Tamra’s attention away from Vicki. I’d like to remind Vicki (and the entire viewing public) that Tamra is just as trashy (and so is Vicki)! But at least Braunwyn’s antics got Vicki to leave early, so there’s that!
Also, Shannon finally finds one weird creeper named Marcos willing to suck her face and Kelly only had to pay him $20, so this truly was Best. Birthday. Ever!
Just when I thought it would never end. Like I was in a Stanley Kubrick film, we finally re-enter the OC sunshine where Kelly and Dr. Brian are discussing their relationship.
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The night of Shannon’s party Kelly called Brian in a drunken rage, so he thinks they need to define boundaries to mitigate their different expectations. It all sounds reasonable and responsible, except he talks like a creepy cult leader or multi-level marketing plastic surgery guru so it’s all too intense. He basically has Kelly hypnotized by his crazy eyes as he drones about how she spoils Jolie by sending her to a $10k summer camps on a private jet and makes excuses for why he doesn’t need to call her all the time.
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Look Dr. Lyin‘ – Jolie is way more appreciative and mature than Kelly. Sure, Kelly tries to buy Jolie’s love, but it doesn’t appear to be working and I bet she won’t buy your bogus TV preacher nice guy act either! He’s definitely got something to hide…
TELL US – WERE TAMRA AND BRAUNWYN EXPRESSING THEIR SEXUALITY OR WAS IT TOO MUCH? DO YOU TRUST DR. BRIAN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
