Aaaaahhh… Real Housewives Of Orange County, trying so hard to make your fetch happen. Especially Braunwyn Windham-Burke. It’s like someone at Bravo told her she had to save this show from itself, which would explain the one-wing short of a hooker angel costume she wore to her TEENAGED DAUGHTER’s Fashion Show.
The saddest thing about Braunwyn is that she has all this baggage from a childhood spent with a self-absorbed attention-seeking mother yet she’s replicating the exact same dynamic with her daughter, Rowan. Instead of 7 zany careers, Braunwyn has 7 kids. Instead of painting your entire body tye-dye and calling it the kiss of the goddess, Braunwyn is kissing other women and braying about sex constantly. Yes, Brown Wind, people are finally looking at you, but they’re looking at you the same way they look at your mother: with pity.
Dr. Deb and her protege, Braunwyn, made Rowan’s self-esteem recovery fashion show all about them. Or they tried to until a fantastic legend in the making named Kathy issued the literal mic drop.
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Kathy took their phony-crazy, legitimized it, and in 5 minutes made it authentic. If Bravo doesn’t track down this woman with her Mother of The Bride dress and her cult leader voice and hire her immediately I’m declaring a 5150 Psych Hold on the entire network. This was Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s Posche Fashion Show and we need MUTHA KATHY.
So we open with Housewives in the wild doing Housewife things. Tamra Judge wants to play tennis and Eddie tells her it stimulates the brain. Tamra only wants to have her vagina and her ego stimulated so she’s obviously interested for the short skirts.
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Kelly Dodd is buying Dr. Brian an electric bike for his birthday. For some reason, Kelly already owns a two-seater version and has Braunwyn over so they can ride to the bike store on it. You would’ve thought these two were on a runaway bull through a Moroccan market chased by henchmen wanting to steal their Gucci the way they were carrying on.
The bike will cost $4,400 dollars, which Kelly thinks is totally appropriate for a boyfriend of like 4 months. Wasn’t Brian just complaining that Kelly’s materialist and buys overly-lavish gifts? Maybe she should buy Dr. Brian a regular-old Huffy pedal bike and make him work for her attention a little more?
On the subject of riding, Kelly describes Braunwyn as “a ride or die kinda chick.” Which is clearly foreshadowing.
Now it’s time for everyone’s FAVORITE OC extra. No, not Vicki, but Ryan Vieth, Tamra’s Trumpist son, who is probably in an INCEL group on reddit. Yes, ladies, he hates us all for having vaginas we won’t use on him!
Ryan is finally trying to erase some of his early-twenties mistakes by getting tattoos removed. He meets Tamra at the laser center dressed like he’s trying to denounce being from a blue state. He is literally clad bald head-to-toe in American flag paraphernalia. To compliment that (or prove she’s an enemy combatant, maybe?) Tamra wears camo.
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Tamra is confused about when Ryan became so patriotic, but she assumes it has something to do with his deteriorating happiness. It turns out Naked Wasted Tamra suddenly has feminist views and doesn’t like the way Trump talks about women. Tamra probably doesn’t like Trump because she was never cast on Celebrity Apprentice.
Big Brother alum Dr. Kirby, the tattoo remover, looks like a republican congressional staffer from Kansas. And all this good clean Christian lookin’ folk inspires Tamra to ask Ryan if he’s found the lord in a cheeseburger how he’s feeling. Um, dead inside it turns out, and it’s all her fault! Obsv.
Tamra ruined Ryan’s path to adulthood by never giving him building blocks or setting him up for the future. But don’t worry – he’s not playing Vicktim! Um, I seem to remember Simon trying plenty – even getting Ryan a decent job at Mercedes.
It’s now time For “How Not To Divorce with Gina Kirschenheiter” Gina is “dating” a “doctor” she met on Instagram. Which sounds like a 90 Day Fiance situation if I’ve ever heard one, because no brain surgeon is dating Gina unless he’s looking for a K-1 visa.
The other news is Matt wants to get back together and go to couples therapy. Instead of actually exploring why she might consider this, Gina dyes her hair with Clorox bleach. Gina’s hair is a physical manifestation of everything that is wrong with her life. The fact that she thinks putting a Kameron Westcott wig on her head will improve things means everything is more dire than we thought. Keep reading to find out HOW dire!
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Now everyone must gather for OC Fashion Week. This is actually the OC Fashion Show, held on what looks like a triple-decker commuter ferry. Shannon Beador‘s daughter Adeline is walking in Rowan’s show. Shannon decides she’s a runway expert because one time in high school she was in the Miss Bonwit Teller pageant and got 3rd runner-up.
Shannon thinks she’s being supportive by screaming at Adeline to pop her hip and shake her ass. Support was something Shannon never got from her mother – unless you count handing her a girdle and yanking a cookie out of her hand.
At the runway before the show Shannon leaps out of her seat bellowing “BAM” and loudly counting Adeline’s steps as she’s trying to practice. Yes, Shannon watched ANTM when she couldn’t get out of bed without hearing the echo of crunching tortilla chips after David left, but she can’t smize without sobbing. Stick to stuffing chicken with cauliflower rice, Shannon!
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Meanwhile Braunwyn invited her entire extended family, including her two half-siblings whom Dr. Deb definitely loves more (Braunwyn is the Ryan of Dr. Deb’s life) to Rowan’s show.
Braunwyn gets dressed for her fashion moment in an ill-fitted, side-boob-bearing figure skating costume. Like this is what Tonya Harding would wear to her Vegas wedding in 1992. It was horrendous and also had visible shoulder pads. Sean holds Braunwyn’s feet as they congratulate themselves on noticing that Rowan was no longer the perfect child.
Braunwyn and Sean are putting way too much pressure on this kid to be “WELL” and never have another emotional down. Like if Rowan can just get this fake fashion line out, created by someone else, marketed and paid for by someone else, she’ll be HEALED by a sense of accomplishment. Mental health doesn’t work that way! And mommy and daddy cannot buy your way to health and sanity. Also this seems more like a ploy to advertise Braunwyn and Sean as so-called perfect parents in contrast to Mommy Dearest, Dr. Deb. Their entire attitude is distressingly clueless and insulting.
Dr. Deb arrives and has dragged along two of Braunwyn’s “Miami friends,” named Tokyo and Jess. They are dressed like low-rent hookers and are slamming champagne. Did she find them on Ashley Madison?
The second Eddie walks in with Tamra (who forgot her shirt and is wearing a bra the color of Barbie flesh) he confronts Braunwyn about the make out session. Eddie asks if he can watch next time. Tamra thinks this is just the coolest thing and proof that Eddie finds her hot. Ugh.
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This fun is broken up by Gina debuting her hair. Everyone pretends to love it, but Kelly is the only one who admits it looks “really ugly,” which is why it’s never a good idea to make a drastic change during a breakup! But Gina is making a drastic change before getting together with Dr. Hottie. And now that Gina has a new guy she’s buddy-buddy with Emily Simpson again. Well for 5 minutes anyway. Gina plops down next to Emily and proceeds to tell her all about Matt begging for a second chance to make their marriage work. Emily is super supportive of Gina. Then Gina notices Shannon, and promptly gets up to go sit next to her; ditching Emily.
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Right before Rowan’s show, there is an intermission while they change floors. Dr. Deb goes to use the bathroom and in the confusion is allegedly accosted by a man who she accuses of grabbing her arm. He denies it, claiming he touched her and said “excuse me,” but a huge kerfuffle occurs in which Deb screams that he’s disrespecting her. Then Deb complains to the show coordinator, the infamous KATHY, who basically tells her to sit-down and shut-up.
Instead, Deb tells Braunwyn she was assaulted and harassed by Kathy. Braunwyn tries to earn her mother’s love by storming up to Kathy to demand an apology for attacking her mother and putting her hands on her. At first, Kathy is calm, overly so, and uses her cult leader voice tones to try and explain that Braunwyn needs to hear both sides of the story. Then Braunwyn gets rude, so Kathy gets ruder. Kelly comes over to back Braunwyn up, and tells Kathy not to yell, but nobody puts Kathy in a corner!
Kathy takes their crazy and escalates it at record speed. She not only refuses to back down, but actually gets on her mic to shout that she can yell if she wants to. When Kelly calls her “psyhco,” Kathy shoves the mic in Kelly’s face, whacking her in the mouth, and shouts “DEFAMATION.”
At that point, Braunwyn, trying to pretend like she didn’t just start this whole mess, starts wandering around the room yelling “THINK OF ADELINE AND ROWAN!” Adeline and Rowan had no idea this was even happening since they were backstage.
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Well Kelly certainly got her due justice after bonking Shannon with the mallet, as Tamra is only too happy to point out when Kelly tells the story of being assaulted by the mic. Because Kathy is a born Housewife, once everyone is seated she uses her position of authority (re: the mic) to tell a touching story about how everyone can end verbal bullying by tweeting that they just witnessed it at OC Fashion Week.
Another woman finally has to force Kathy off the runway by reminding her that there’s an actual fashion show to present! KATHY – Do not go anywhere!!! Someone hand this woman an orange, and shove Gina out of frame left. Also Kathy’s kids go to school with Braunwyn’s, so PTA should be fun!
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Rowan’s show is great, and she is beyond thrilled, but in the car on the way home her high is completely ruined by Braunwyn’s tantrum over the altercation with Kathy. Even as Sean tries to calm her down Braunwyn rails about how Kathy almost had her and Deb thrown off the boat. Great job – way to make Rowan’s show all about your need to suck attention from every stone.
Just when I think we couldn’t get any more Braunwyn the episode is over we’re treated to a nice scene of Braunwyn and Emily horseback riding together. Both of these women grew up without father figures in their lives and bond over how it affected them.
Braunwyn’s dad was a big wave surfer from Hawaii and a functional alcoholic. Dr. Deb made it impossible for him to be part of Braunwyn’s life. Emily’s dad was barely around after he divorced her mom. As a result Emily never wants to depend on a man for financial security and has pent-up rage. Emily admits Shane is a much better dad than he is husband, and she’s OK with her kids having their needs met first. Oh, Emily…
Braunwyn has major trust issues and claims it took 15 years (and like 6 kids) to let Sean love her without her thinking he was going to leave. So she immediately started making out with women to prove fidelity?
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Next we get an update on Gina. Matt is now stalking, harassing, and committing B&E, but Gina thinks it’s kinda hot that he still wants her. Um, no, he wants her because she’s moving on, not because she’s Gina.
After the fashion show, Matt called dozens of times from a blocked number, but Gina didn’t answer cause she was sexting Dr. Hottie. She was so distracted she forgot to lock her front door (sure, Jan), and at 1am Matt walked into her house, unannounced and uninvited, came into her room. He just wanted to have a talk about his career prospects and how they could all be a big happy family again! Gina knows it’s wrong to give him another chance, but she wants to follow her heart. Um, when even Tamra is giving you the NOPE signal, that’s bad.
Just when I think this episode is FINLLY, finally over we get more nonsense with Tamra and Ryan. UGH. They meet for lunch so Ryan can complain about being treated unfairly as a child. Which is Simon’s fault, not Tamra’s but both of them blame him anyway.
Ryan considers himself Simon’s “trial run,” and they just got him to 18, then cast him aside. “You make all the mistakes with me, and everyone else got the good stuff,” he sulks. A quick Bravo flashback dispels that. I believe Ryan’s pain and feelings of inadequacy are very real to him. Unfortunately, Ryan’s issues are with Tamra and his dad. They were probably horrid parents, and he’s replicating the same mistakes with Sarah and Ava.
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Ryan is 30-something years old. It’s no longer Tamra’s responsibility to structure his life! Did I just defend Tamra? I need to go lie down.
Tamra does convince Ryan to see a life coach. She’s truly afraid for his future and the path he is going down. If Tamra is that concerned, why exploit it for TV storyline purposes? Also ENOUGH with racist Ryan already. Ew.
TELL US – DID BRAUNWYN RUIN ROWAN’S SHOW? DO YOU WANT KATHY BACK? WILL RYAN FINALLY GET HELP?
[Photo Credits: Photo by: Casey Durkin/Bravo & bravo ]
