In beautiful sunny Thailand there is no paradise aboard Valor as the crew of Below Deck fractures at the seams under the misguidance of Ashton Pienaar.
To be fair I don’t know if it’s Ashton being in over his head from a leadership perspective, or like many a bosun before him, culled by the crazy of a green deckhand. Or a redhead. In this case the double-whammy!
Abbi Murphy has essentially decided that leadership and pecking order be damned – she does what she wants! Like getting so wasted she spends the morning vomiting and misses her clock-in time on deck. Abbi thinks working on Valor, for Captain Lee Rosbach, is like being the tortilla chip flipper at Chipotle. You know – it’s totes fine to text your boss half an hour before your shift starts to let them know that you were like partying soooo hard the night before that your mascara is still smeared all over your morning after dress and mixing with tears from vomiting for 2 hours straight. Hotttt!
I wonder what Captain Lee would say if he saw Abbi’s text? I mean, just ask Kevin Dobson what it’s like to be under the laser beam glare of a man whose actual face is the vibranium Iron Man mask.
It really doesn’t matter because Ashton lets Abbi get away with it. He doesn’t even bang on the door of her cabin. He just lets her sleep while making passive-aggressive comments. Kate Chastain knows this will end badly, but for now she’s relishing having a wonderful, charming crew of stews under her tutelage, which leaves her the ability to put all her hate and rage in a basked labeled “Kevin,” which doubles as a laundry basket filled with sweaty briefs.
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Simone Mashile has thus far been spared from Kevin’s continued rages by being literally tethered to the laundry. Hopefully, she doesn’t accidentally wash herself when she becomes fused to the piles of dress whites in an iron mishap. Simone has been trapped in the laundry cave so long she’s Vitamin D deficient and despondent so Kate finally sends her above ground to learn some service. Simone is so sweet, but girl has a waaaaaaays to go! This episode’s struggle included how to pour beer into a glass. Didn’t she go to college?!
After the preference sheet meeting, Kevin has a quick heart-to-heart with Captain Lee, who has no intention of putting the past behind them. Instead, he has every intention of making Kevin queef in his shorts at the mere thought of forgetting his dinner portion. Captain Lee probably had a job as a CIA operative in a past life because he deploys the type of psychological warfare any seasoned Real Housewife would envy when he tells Kevin that his food has been only so-so, and his plating could really use work.
Oh, also Captain Lee will be joining the guests for dinner the second night, and he expects food befitting of a super yacht chef otherwise Kevin will be walking the plank and hoping some other boat fishes him out of the sea to serve him for supper.
Kevin decides to start his WOW Campaign with a 10 course tasting meal to be served as the guests’ first dinner. These guests don’t take much to be impressed, but Captain Lee is not a 40-something single woman who hasn’t been laid in months (their words, not mine!). Charter 3 is helmed by Dr. McCall who is “obsessed” with chartering boats and drinking enough on them to create her own [wo]man-made water source.
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Basically this all-female charter will be about booze. And once they get enough booze in them they will be sexually harassing the male deckhands. Ashton and Brian de Saint Pern, gird your loins! Literally. Even Captain Lee seems a little unnerved by this group and he just survived Handsy-Hellen.
Kate, meanwhile, is excited. An all-girl charter group means they party all day, go to sleep early, and it’s like a big drunk sleepover. She is not wrong.
These guests are all right, but everything else is falling down around them. Tanner Sterback takes ill with some strange inexplicable Thai illness. Out of the blue he’s puking everywhere and feverish. Is it the vodka? Or a tropical flu? Or exposure to breathing in Abbi’s body bronzer? Meanwhile Abbi is just in a constant state of sluggish malaise. She resents authority and having to listen to Ashton, but more than that she resents the amount of work required on Valor. Especially all the blowing up and deflating. In her distraction she still can’t remember to turn on the radio or answer the calls.
Of course the other big distraction is that Abbi is now engaged. Over text. Congratulations? Patrick, her former sailboat captain turned “fuck-buddy boyfriend,” was like ‘I love you because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Wanna get married?’ And Abbi responded all ‘OMFG OF COURSE. Now I have a reason to leave this boat. And if we get divorced that’s OK too! Cause we only got tattoos of each others faces on our private parts not like anything serious!’
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Courtney Skippon does not understand how any woman could possibly accept a ring-less proposal? What will you hock once this engagement imminently goes south? How else will you know your worth in his eyes if not represented in number of karats? Also the ring is basically the whole point of being engaged. But Abbi has rings, you guys, they’re the black eyeliner suffocating her eyeballs. Seriously – she was on death’s door and revived to apply eyeliner and body-bronzer. Girl…I can see that you do not struggle with commitment. Work, though, that’s another story!
The next morning, Abbi waltzes into the deck crew meeting with her big announcement. No one seems to care except Ashton who’s confused about why she was cuddling him on the bunny pad last week. Instead of crossing Abbi off his list of potential conquests, Ashton moves her up a notch, above Courtney, to Number 1 priority.
All the dramz with Abbi has me completely ignoring Kevin as he runs ragged in the kitchen preparing 32,000 things for the women, who in his mind, are all wearing a mask of Captain Lee‘s face. To add to the pressure, actual Captain Lee keeps wandering down to the kitchen to check on Kevin’s progress. Kevin declares to his sister in a phone call that if he doesn’t start getting some appreciation around here for being the hardest worker on Valor he’s going to be quitting, but alas, Captain Lee has decided if Kevin doesn’t start working harder he’s going to be fired. We’re at an impasse and the only way to fix it is with gelatinized bloody mary balls and a strip tease from your bosun!
After ten magical courses of food, the women are ready for a serious dessert so course number 11 is a shirtless Ashton giving a lap dance lesson on one especially horny guest. Courtney is traumatized. She is so thankful that Brian restricts exposing himself to his instagram feed while in real life is a nice boy who helps with dishes when she commands him too. And Brian is so whipped he might as well be course number 12 on Kevin’s tasting menu!
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While Brian is ‘helping’ Courtney he neglects his deck duties and gets a furious radio call from Ashton demanding to know why the aft hasn’t been mopped. Brian and Ashton erupt into an argument about his work ethic and priorities. Brian rightly thinks Ashton is just pissed about Abbi getting engaged, and every hour since her textposal she’s grown lazier and more disconnected from the job.
The next morning Ashton has the decency to apologize to Brian for losing his temper and explains that he’s just noticed details not getting done. Ashton also recognizes what a hard worker Brian is. In a truly adult exchange Brian also apologizes for not communicating better with Ashton. Ashton also admits he’s feeling frazzled with Tanner being ill and with Abbi being well, a few hair ties short of a ponytail.
Pretty much all Abbi is doing is loafing about eating, laughing with the guests, and staring at her phone. She blames her non-stop eating on depression over hating her job and apparently the stress of not knowing what to do about this. While she’s standing there complaining like a petulant child about having to like do stuff she doesn’t like, Tanner is trying not to ralph. He’s glazed over and sweaty; and looking pale and clammy. Yet Tanner can still figure out the order of outfit changes and how to pull on a polo shirt. And he can STILL get his job done without complaining. It’s because he’s not engaged. That’s the only reason.
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I think a Thai doctor might make things worse for Tanner not better, or else I’d recommend Captain Lee call one. And clearly Captain Lee is looking for my recommendations on things! In fact Tanner even manages to pull himself together to take the guests out on jet skis with Ashton. Abbi and Brian are left to deal with the slide, but Abbi is staring off into space and not taking direction when Brian tells her to pull down on some cording thing, until he finally snaps at her for not focusing on her job.
Abbi pretends she needs to get her shoes and runs inside where Simone is chained to the laundry, folding things. Abbi bursts into tears and admits she’s ready to quit because she hates the job so much.
Look I get it – this job with its constant physical demands and long hours is not for everyone. Furthermore Abbi can’t work a radio even with several tutorials, so she’s probably making the right decision to sail off into the sunset of delusion.
TELL US – IS ABBI PULLING HER WEIGHT? IS ASHTON JEALOUS OF HER ENGAGEMENT? DO YOU THINK KEVIN’S MEAL WAS IMPRESSIVE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
