It was party like it’s 1999 on last night’s Below Deck. 1999 being the year the charter guests graduated from Florida State’s School of Beerlegience. Aaahhh… reliving the glory days. Gross.
I don’t know why one would pay tens of thousands of dollars to charter a yacht in Thailand with the sole purpose of getting trashed, but then not have the decency to learn how to say “Let’s get lit!” in Thai. So gauche. And seriously these people yelled that approximately every 15 seconds. The mating call of over-the-hill frat boys everywhere!
The other problem is Smashton, aka the alter ego of Ashton Pienaar, the idea for which he stole from Joao Franco. And honestly, you never want to take any ideas from Joao. Smashton shoved his tongue down Kate Chastain‘s throat and that make Kate angry. And you won’t like Kate when she’s angry.
The next morning, Kate’s still angry, but playing it cool and brushing it off as a gross drunken misstep. Ashton has returned and finds it all amusing, but sexually harassing your co-worker is not cool, my friend! Ashton will get his comeuppance though when a horny charter guest can’t stop ogling him even though he’s clearly uncomfortable!
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Courtney Skippon also had a brief liaise Brian de Saint Pern. Basically, he kissed her filthy feet. As it should be. The next morning he’s so distracted, fumbling through chores amid his bubble of bliss, that he walks smack into the side of the deck and gashes open his knee. Since everyone in Thailand becomes deathly ill from exposure to the air or something, it instantly gets infected. Which is NOT what Ashton needs when they’re already down a deckhand and about to be welcoming a new charter, which forewarned in their preference sheet that they’ll be demanding. At least Tanner Sterback has recovered from his mysterious Thai-Fluenza.
Oh and these guests – they want so many wants. They want a beach picnic on day 1. And on day 2 expect everyone to act like a pirate with Kevin Dobson expected to serve some special themed meal. I feel like pirates ate raw fish and the dehydrated skin of deceased captors, or other pirates who died of scurvy and alcohol poisoning. So I mean… yum? Also how is Kevin going to make men-meat into something 5-star?
Kate, being from Florida, is uniquely unimpressed when she learns this is a group of alums are doing some sort of annual spring break glory days trip. Except now they’re about ready to meet at an AARP convention. Just sad and tragic all around.
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Kate’s plan is to give Simone Mashile a baptism by fire when it comes to how service works by throwing her right tin there with these guests. After 3 charters, it’s about time this girl learns how to make a vodka soda. But first, Simone has to start by learning to open a bottle of wine. Seriously. I thought the Below Deck stews must have some style, taught to them in fancy white glove services classes, for how to open a bottle of wine with professional gusto, but as Kate was explains to Simone they were using a wine key. Aka the very same way I open a bottle of wine! Was this wine opening 101, and I am just a very basic rose all day kind of gal?
Regardless, Simone is completely clueless and just keeps chattering away about how difficult it is while struggling to operate what was surely primitive mans first piece of equipment. Kate stares at her stone-faced. See if Kate opens her mouth, even the teensiest of bits, she’s going to say something so caustic she’ll crush Simone’s eager soul, and be forced to spend the entire charter opening all the wines herself. And Kate doesn’t want carpal tunnel.
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Meanwhile, Courtney has things, or rather people, figured out: she flounders on laundry right in front of Captain Lee Rosbach and when he comes over to show her how to iron a crisp collar, Courtney just steps back, smiles, and nods. No talking. No alerting these chore-snatchers to the fact that you are still in the vicinity while they do your work for you. This is what separates the stews from the people who will be hiring them someday.
Also, Courtney is saving all her serving for Brian. The poor dear doesn’t even know what a band-aid is, and is literally oozing puss that he’s wiping away with unwashed fingers. Brian… Well, Brian is a total bless his heart. I just don’t know what else to say. He needs a mommy. He keeps telling Courtney how pretty she looks, but she only sneers in response. Courtney still can’t decide if he’s gross or good-looking. Is Brian on par with a seafood ‘ganza made by Kevin, or a seafood extravaganza made by anyone else? Well, Courtney will still bring Brian ice and accept his compliments with dignified disgust. As one does.
Truthfully, Courtney would rather do laundry instead of interacting with these guests who demand basic drinks every 15 minutes. Also, the primary is sexually harassing Simone something awful. Someone got some dating advice from Donald Trump to go along with their Young Republican hair cut and Paul Ryan crazy eyes. He’s basically Ashton the second Ashton takes off his blue polo and turns into Smashton.
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Simone does service by sort of wandering around in the vicinity of the guests and hoping they’ll yell at her to to bring them something. This means she can scamper back down into the kitchen to have Kate or Courtney or Kevin whip it up. Kate notices Simone sort of lurking, strolling casually past the guests – or who knows maybe Simone was hoping to catch a glimpse of Tanner bending over in his shorts to shammy? (Bend and Snap!).
Needless to say, Simone doesn’t ask if they want anything so they have to find the galley and request, of all things a vodka sprite. Later Simone will get slammed with a banana daiquiri, so this was child’s play, but Kate then still had to explain to Simone about speaking to the guests. I so get why Simone wants to ignore them though! One said he wanted to bend her over the toilet and do her. Beyond disgusting.
The other reason Simone is so distracted is that she’s crushing hardcore on Tanner. Simone can barely speak when he’s around because she gets so flustered.
As if Kate doesn’t have enough to deal with Kevin insists on accompanying her to the beach picnic to supervise the setup. Kevin just doesn’t trust that Kate’s level of service is highbrow enough for him – the man who skipped serving the captain and made a seafood extravaganza out of cat food. Yes, that is highbrow! Kevin spends the entire picnic overstepping Kate as he takes on serving the guests himself. As if Kate cares about getting more time to sit and work on picking split ends out of her hair? You lose Kevin – you lose!
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Back on board, Kevin has complicated plans for some sort of upscale tailgate food for dinner. Apparently, the primary whose name I’ve decided has to be something nerdy and suburban, like Alan, loves meat. Of course he does. He’s 5’5 inches tall and wants to pretend he was the FSU quarterback instead of the nerd who supervised the computer lab printer. It all worked out though because here is ‘Alan’ chartering a yacht with gorgeous women. But that’s not enough. He also needs to pretend he was beer pong champion of his frat (pssst — you know this guy was never in a frat!).
Simone is supposed to be serving the guests yet another round of drinks, but instead is having a long conversation with Tanner about smoking cigarettes with their 90-something grandmothers. All very cute and adorable that Tanner had a weekly cribbage game going with gran. But, unfortunately, Simone’s voice carries so the guests could hear every word while they wondered where their shots were. Kate had to go down herself to serve them.
Before dinner, Kate warns Simone that talking in front of the guests is a big service no-no. And Ashton and Brian warn Tanner that Simone has the hots for him something major. Tanner is worried because an on-boat crush can get complicated. So I guess that means he was never serious about Kate (Obsv.).
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Dinner includes Jello shots followed by a double-decker beer bong. Sadly, yes. The primary gets so drunk he tries to hijack a kayak to float off into the ocean. Why Ashton tried to stop him is still a mystery… Ashton must not of have been on his A-Game, what with being hit on every five seconds by a drunken divorcee who just really wanted to impress him enough that he’s risk his professional reputation to have a tryst with her on the bunny pad. Maybe next week!
Brian’s knee continues to worsen. Captain Lee checks it out and discovers that it’s super swollen, so he orders Brian to rest and ice it. The pain is so intense Brian can barely sleep that night. But, he wakes up and goes to work anyway. He knows they need him. Or maybe he didn’t want to seem weak in front of Courtney?
And poor Ashton is really getting the karma thrown at him. First it’s pirate day. Second the charter guest who is trying to get in his pants comes out wearing a bathing suit that’s basically pasties over mesh. Yikes. Thirdly, Captain Lee reveals that the new deckhand whose expected today is Ryhlee Gerber. YUCK. I cannot overstate the YUCK here.
I find this so disingenuous and fake. Last season Captain Lee complained that if he knew how Rhylee was disrespecting her superiors and being so impossible to work with he would have fired her. Now, he’s bringing her back claiming there is no one else. This makes me believe that all along the plan was for Abbi Murphy to leave mid-season so they could slip another crazy malfunctioning redhead in – one that would undoubtedly cause way, way more drama.
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Not even Smashton deserves this.
TELL US – ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE RETURN OF RHYLEE? WILL SIMONE EVER FIGURE OUT SERVICE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
