On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Kyle Richards decided to throw a party to celebrate the many months she’s spent away on a movie set, far from her family and friends, even though she was coming home every weekend in between. Anyway this party was a disaster. Aren’t they all!
Everyone is still trying to make a storyline out of Teddi Mellencamp‘s weird All In retreat. Did Teddi invite them, did she not? Does she want them there? Does she not? Does anyone actually care? No of course not!
The problem remains on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills that everyone is always trying to control the storylines and the narrative. Now it’s all about whether or not Teddi actually expects them to attend a 2 day exercise class where she preaches the exalted power of self-sacrifice through starvation. Teddi really isn’t interesting enough to be a cult leader – even in Southern California to emaciated hippies calling it wellness.
The whole situation has Sutton Stracke confused and Lisa Rinna salivating.
Lipsa meets Teddi and Sutton for lunch which is like mixing cat food with candy. Sutton is planning to attend the retreat, but then tries to tell Teddi that her attitude of inviting everyone, then telling them she doesn’t care if they show up or not is rude and confusing.
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Presumably Teddi’s so-called friends would understand her meaning: She wants them there, but if they don’t wanna come, she won’t be hurt. The problem is A) these women aren’t her friends; B) They want to make trouble for her to take the heat off themselves; C) Teddi will be devastated if no one shows up. The other problem is that Lipsa has already planted in Teddi’s head that no one wants to go and that she’s rejoicing in having an excuse to skip it.
Sutton thinks Teddi should be more clear about her invitation. For instance, clarifying that she would love for them to be there, but understands if they cannot make it. Also Sutton wants to feel like she’s an honored guest. Well, Teddi ain’t no Dolce & Gabbanna, but she is easily offended and expects everyone to kiss her toned ass, so of course she’s butt-hurt and thinks Sutton doesn’t like her.
We take a break from talking about Teddi for another charming scene of Erika Jayne bashing her mother, complaining about her childhood, then bragging that, despite all the odds, she’s still managed to accomplish her dreams of being Celine Dion if Celine Dion led a scout troop for gay men and repressed trophy wives who earned badges for gyrating, spandex application, and pretending to be controversial. You know, all that jizz.
The very best part of Kyle’s party was Kyle’s look. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. AHAHAHAHHAHAH. Yes, I am still laughing. Kyle’s hair was … I don’t even know if I have words? Um, how about early 90’s realtor on a nighttime soap opera? It was like this crazy updo, with her stringy bangs, and then paired with this ill-fitting blouse with feathery cuffs.
Actually they all looked ridiculous. As if the invitation details said dress like no one is gonna see you but you still kinda wanna wear a costume.
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Sutton apparently gave very amazing gift bags at her store opening, so for all Erika’s complaining that she didn’t want “that crap,” Lipsa wound up scoring a $2k purse which she is wearing to the party. Along with a ZEBRA PRINT pant suit. Dorit Kemsley was wearing the exact same clutch, but pretended she actually bought it herself instead of getting it free from Sutton. Sure, Jan.
Erika is jealous because apparently her gift bag contained some plastic crap from Walmart. You know – meet your guests where they are emotionally! Lord is Erika projecting her ‘I grew up poor in the south’ issues onto Sutton something un-fierce.
I don’t know who appointed Lipsa the Ambassador to Sutton, but she announces that Her Majesty Le Lordess Of Ill-Fitting Frocks sits on the board of the American Ballet, attends the Met Gala and hangs out with actual people of societal standing, so gracing Kyle’s party with her presence is why Sutton deigned to wear Ready To Wear in lieu of couture. Obviously! I’m still loving Sutton as an uber wealthy Ramona Singer type who really doesn’t care how cluelessly ridiculous she is.
Kyle is swanning around this party like Auntie Maime, except Auntie Maime would put out place cards or at the very least make her guests sit on the floor in some sort of crazy version of a Japanese tea room. Kyle just agonized over whether or not her votives looked too “pedestrian” – aka can us normal plebeians buy them at Pottery Barn. The Horror! Then her feathers got bested by Garcelle Beauvais who literally catwalked into this party late, did a full on twirl, and was wearing this enormous puffed ball gown skirt. Garcelle is putting all of Kyle’s caftan games to bed with a binky and telling them to stop crying for mommy. I am LOVING HER.
Denise Richards is still recovering from quadruple hernia surgery and really not feeling herself. She is hobbling around, looking like she feels ancient and rigid, and should’ve stayed home.
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When it’s time to go to the table Sutton feels the anxiety of a high school gym class. What if no one wants to sit by her because they don’t really like her? Couldn’t her ‘good friend’ Lipsa scoot on over? Instead Kyle stuffs Sutton next to Teddi, whom Sutton knows doesn’t like her. Then Kyle, hostess with the mostess ego, allows Lipsa to introduce a game where they all say their first impression of the person sitting next to them, and how it’s differs now that they’re friends.
All the other ladies understand the point of this game is to lie, lie, lie and blow fake smoke up the person’s ass about how you were initially intimidated by their beauty, but now realize they’re just a real girl like you: humble, down to earth, and the very best person you’ve ever met. Yes, even Dorit!
Mauricio, who is now apparently permanently stoned, openly laughs that he has no idea who these women are because he’s literally never seen them say a nice thing about each other. Cue the editors rolling back clips of a million arguments and screaming fits. Finally it comes round to Sutton, who is duh – duh – duh… seated next to Teddi. It’s almost as if Kyle and Lipsa planned this!
Sutton declares that she initially thought Teddi would be boring, especially because she’s pregnant which is super boring, but it turned out she’s actually interested in Teddi in the way one is mildly fascinated by the mildew that cropped up on the organic bread you bought 2 days ago. Basically she wants to meet John Mellencamp.
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This turns into yet another discussion about the All In retreat and how Teddi didn’t personally deliver hand-written invitations sent by a courier, so she bursts into tears and flees the table because no one wants to do Zumba for 16 hours straight. Poor Teddi – she’s hormonal, drowning in pregnancy emotions, probably still trying to only eat celery sticks, and has bad friends. Kyle consoles her, but that’s like being consoled by an Evil Stepmother. Teddi returns to the table and Sutton apologizes but Teddi does not accept. Then we learn Teddi is having a girl, and Kyle turns her attention to the next victim: Aaron Phypers.
Was anyone feeling like they were in that creepy Tom Cruise Nicole Kidman movie ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ while watching this party? Actually it was moe like an episode of Twin Peaks.
We now know Denise definitely has a type: CRAZY. Her ex-husband thought he could cure insanity by drinking tiger blood, and her new husband thinks she can cure cancer by hooking you up to a toaster oven. Aaron should go into business with Sonja Morgan!
Kyle has totally 100% heard ‘things’ about Aaron’s weird holistic health practice, and is now gaslighting Denise by pretending to be really and truly interested in this alternative medicine. I mean, you know it’s gotta be cuckoo for cacao smoothies if Yolanda Hadid Foster Hadid was a patient. To cure Chronic Lymes stood in line for baby stem cells outside a clinic in Tijuana wearing a disguise. Seriously – she admitted this to Dr. Oz!
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Aaron starts talking about splitting atoms and growing up next to a nuclear test sight and how he can do things with magical machines that has people in Big Pharma wanting to shut him down. Denise claims they are being watched and harassed! She even thinks cars are following them. Um, that was probably Charlie Sheen. Or Jane Lee from The Dream podcast trying to score an interview. According to Aaron cancer is actually a super hero in your body and the whole thing is just so next-level crazy even Kyle wasn’t’ prepared. “Thank you Dr. Aaron,” scoffs Erika. “Oh, wait – you’re not a doctor.” EXACTLY. Also if Aaron can cure people overnight, why is Denise still recovering from her surgery?
Here’s another thing: Why the hell did producers bring in Brandi Glanville to expose Denise when what we really need is Aaron’s ex-wife Nicolette Sheridan! You know that Nicolette said something to Lipsa, said something to Kyle…
Denise decides someone is actually watching them right at this dinner party, and warns Aaron to shush before she flees the table. Did Denise think Kyle was nanny-cam reporting to the FBI? Kyle can’t even get her dogs to shit outside – there’s no way she’s a double-agent infiltrating the cult of alternative medicine by pretending to be a society wife.
The only person who’s impressed is stoner Mauricio. At the end of Aaron’s creepy spiel, he says “Wooooow, AMAZING…” then asks if he can eat the untouched salmon Denise left on her plate. And he does! I fucking love Mauricio.
Naturally Kyle decides it’s time to break out the Fireball shots Sutton brought. It’s the only good hostessing decision she made that evening. Teddi leaves, citing pregnancy and barely acknowledges Sutton’s goodbye. Denise leaves citing CIA agents hovering in the bushes.
Sutton complains to Dorit and Kyle that now she has to fix some issue with Teddi, which she doesn’t understand. Sutton is now definitely skipping the retreat after Teddi told her pointblank, “Don’t come.”
Dorit, who has decided she likes Sutton in that Sutton will play the bad guy and she can sniper from the side, shrugs that she doesn’t actually think Sutton said anything mean. Kyle agrees that she was just being honest, which is a good thing! She’s living her truth! Kyle insists Sutton should still come and drive up with her. Isn’t Kyle supposed to be Teddi’s BFF? Oh, well we know how Kyle treats her best friends….
OK – so so-far Sutton is causing all of the drama on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, yet she’s not a cast member? Um?????
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The next day Kyle visits Sutton’s glamorous home, where her million-dollar cat is perched at the entrance like a piece of living art. Kyle pretends to like cats just like she pretends to like Sutton, and all but begs her to come attend the All In retreat. Even when Sutton points out that she was uninvited, Kyle insists that she just needs to get to know Teddi a little better. And Kyle’s just the gal to help them out!
Meanwhile Teddi has lunch with Erika. She really doesn’t want Sutton at the retreat which is why she uninvited her. Teddi isn’t so much mad about being called boring (yeah right), she’s hurt that Sutton made a comment about her pregnancy. Which yep – was super rude. Erika agrees that Sutton is no good, and that Teddi should stick to her guns about dropping her from the guest list.
Too bad Teddi has her frienemy Kyle social climbing and pot stirring behind the scenes. Say it with me now: KYLE IS THE WORST.
TELL US – ARE KYLE AND LISA STIRRING THE POT? WAS SUTTON RUDE TO TEDDI OR IS TEDDI OVER-SENSITIVE? WOULD YOU TRUST YOUR BODY TO AARON?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
