Whew, you guys so much to discuss from last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills but unequivocally my favorite thing ever in this whole world is Denise Richards‘ “I’d like to talk to the manager…” face. Denise may be laid back and getting laid on the daily, but we saw what happens when you try to come for her.
If Kyle Richards believes bringing on Brandi Glanville to destroy Denise’s life (which is just SO GROSS on premise) will work, she’s wrong. I’m totally Team Fucking Denise Richards, and I think most viewers are too.
Also Kyle’s hair this season is just straight up karma! She looks like a matronly old bat from the 80’s attempting sex appeal. Whomever talked her into these messy topknots with teased bangs might be my hero. Reveal yourself – you deserve our praise!
Anyway, so the party continues at Denise’s house. Kyle is crying because she’s the worlds best friend and no one recognizes this. Lisa Rinna was in rare form and by that I mean horrible. I’ve always been a fan of Lipsa, but this season she’s losing me. She’s relishing just a little too much in the idea that she’s controlling the show, from that ridiculous pink throw pillow get-up she’s wearing in the interviews with the clown makeup, to the way she’s badgering Kyle for defending Kim over her friends. Later Lisa will threaten to throw Sutton Stracke out of her daughter’s party at the slightest whisper that there might be a scene.
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What Lipsa meant to say is that Kyle didn’t defend Lisa Vanderpump, but she thought better of uttering the name of the sacred saint of Beverly Hills who might descend down in a pink cloud of swan feathers, glitter, and Pomeranian fur, turning that ice sculpture into crisp, cold Vanderpump Rose.
Sutton tells everyone to be quiet so she can take to the soap box of explaining how the problem is that Dorit Kemsley made Kyle feel ike she doesn’t have a life, but Kyle is FILMING A MOVIE in case you didn’t know. SHE HAS A FUCKING LIFE. (No she doesn’t.)
Eventually Kyle does what she does: call everyone fake bitches, accuse them of not being honest, and run out crying. Even though KYLE is the fakest of them all. Teddi Mellencamp chases right after her. Is this a game — the world’s longest game of crying tag?
Dorit is really pressed about Kyle and Teddi being so close. It’s kind of… odd. Denise is exhausted. “Kyle always has to be the center of attention,” she complains. Exactly. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle… Except sure, Jan. This is Kyle’s problem with Denise. No matter what she does, she’s still Kyle Richards whose career peaked at age 8, and Denise is still “fucking Denise Richards” whose career may be Lifetime Movie now, but at one time she was on the cover of every magazine and married to A-List Hollywood royalty. Denise was a bonafide star when no one else in this group even came close. And they know it.
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Also as Denise points out she works consistently, filming constantly to pay for Aaron’s giant microwave oven that turns cancer cells into PopRocks and makes torn hamstrings do a happy dance. She’s also dealing with Charlie, raising three kids (including one with special needs), and out-running big Pharma’s henchman. Denise is literally living the life of a Bond Girl! Denise isn’t arrogant or self-obsessed, and she doesn’t need constant validation. “Bye,” Denise waves dismissively as Kyle storms out of her party. I think the correct phrase is actually, “GOODBYE KYYYYYYLE”
Teddi tries to defend Kyle’s honor, but nobody cares. Instead everyone piles on Teddi for daring to accuse them of piling on one person. I’m sorry, this once again brings parallels to LVP. Last year everyone was fine with piling on her? This year, Teddi thinks it’s soooo unfair, but the rules according to Teddi don’t apply to people who aren’t All-In. People like Lipsa and Dorit, who are, if recall, supposed to be some of Kyle’s closest friends. Do they really want to hurt her? Do they really want to make her cry?
The next day Denise gets coffee with Erika Jayne and reveals that her eldest daughter, Sammi, overheard all of threesome talk. Denise is horrified, but Erika thinks Denise is being ridiculous. “I thought I was at Wild Thing’s house,” she snarks, even though she pretends to be remorseful. So because Denise expects her friends to have some sense of decency and decorum she’s an uptight, hypocritical asshole?
How pissed would Erika be if her friends showed up to one of Tom Girardi’s events and started dropping F-Bombs and swapping salacious stories in front of his clients and partners? Furthermore I’m sure Denise feels she has to try even harder to demonstrate a wholesome environment for her kids and their friends to combat the Charlie Sheen factor.
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Lipsa bought her daughters a clothing line so they can learn to hustle and cure their anxiety with tube tops that look like they came from an American Apparell overstock sale, then had a new label slapped inside. They’re calling it DNA. The producers are being so shady this season and I love it! While Lipsa is running around bragging about how hard the girls have worked, we overhear the business partner praising Lipsa for being so fast in responding to all the emails and basically doing all the work. HIL-LAR-RIOUS. They do a photoshoot, and of course Lipsa jumps right into an outfit and acts absolutely shocked when they ask her to be in one of the shots. They’re also having a launch party which all the ladies are invited to.
This is such a big deal Lipsa has also flown her 91-year-old mom, Lois, down.
First they have to pay a visit to Erika’s downtown apartment, which she’s turned into a literal shrine to herself. It’s like the the Batcave for self-involved, entitled shallow people, and all the gadgets are wig glue guns, bustiers, and gays chained to the wall chanting “YAAAAS”. There’s probably a whip… but it’s made out of plastic hair and tinsel. Oh and Dorit shows up wearing it on her head.
Just as Kyle and Dorit are fighting about the right to glam, and Kyle is feeling like Dorit chose glam over girlfriends, Dorit wears a floor-length fake pony wrapped in aluminum foil. Is it her lasso of truth? Hahahah… she’d never dare to have one of those nearby because she’d find herself all tied up. Maybe it’s her lasso of lies. Or possibly the whip of bad intentions.
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Sutton wears these enormous platform clown shoes, and Kyle wears… 80’s jazzercise hair with shoulder pads. Since Erika is such a good friend she doesn’t even bother having anything Teddi can drink or eat. She literally served cocktails and sushi, and Teddi just accepted it. Teddi!
Garcelle Beauvais is throwing a 12th birthday party for her sons, and doesn’t attend. Garcelle gets along great with her ex-husband. Even though it’s been a struggle, the pay-off is that her kids are happy and well-adjusted, and seem to have no idea why their parents split. That is certainly what Denise strives to do too and her kids also seem remarkably happy and well-adjusted. Garcelle better watch out – these women are going to hate her for being a good mother. How dare she care about her children!? Erika does not approve. When Denise jokes about how the teenagers were more mature than the adults at her party, Erika sneers that she’s tired of Denise’s mother of the year act.
WHAT THE FUCK. Didn’t Erika dump her kid to go be a wannabe stripper? Isn’t she always complaining about how her mother was callous and unloving? So she’s shaming Denise for putting her children first? I cannot stand this hollow shell of a person. Erika is literally a pistachio shell, and also green with envy at anyone who’s successful and independent. She hates Sutton, and resets Denise for not needing some aging horndog to buy her a career that consists of warbling like an alley cat and rubbing her own crotch off-beat to autotune. What was Kyle saying about not being able to stand people who aren’t honest?
Dorit got all dressed up to make a big announcement: she’s now in the restaurant biz. OK, well, not quite. PK is good friends with the owner of the Buca di Beppo chain, who agreed to let Dorit redesign the dining room in his LA franchise. On a strict budget. He actually sneers, “I’m not letting you bankrupt me.” Talk about tragique!
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Dorit explains, with a straight-face, that she’s “investing small.” Which roughly translates as ‘I’m broke and have no money or storyline, plus I really really really want to pretend we’re legit financially and that real business people want to work with me, so I’m borrowing a room in a crappy mall Italian franchise.’ Dorit also decides this justifies everyone going to Italy, where she once lived as a yacht girl model. There they can eat Buca’s authentic Italian spaghetti! Dorit’s life is as fake as that “Cash Inside” purse.
Lipsa’s daughters event made no sense and she ran around the entire time screeching that Delilah worked so hard because she DM’d people to order flowers. I’m assuming this meant that Lipsa did everything else?
The true drama happened outside. First Lipsa apologies to Kyle for being mean. Kyle realizes she’s only getting this apology because Lipsa hopes to avoid a scene at her daughter’s party. Lipsa’s daughters collaborated with someone secret and she can’t wait for the reveal. Right away Sutton hisses that she has a bad feeling. I was wondering if she was referring to Brandi, but it turns out Sutton hired Lipsa’s makeup artist, Joey Maloof, to help her design an app, and they had a falling out. Sutton is worried he’ll be there. As they’re walking into the party Sutton whispers to Dorit that she’s worried and might flip out.
It turns out the collaboration was The Fat Jew designing a wine bottle and everyone squeals cause remember Kyle by AleneToo once had him at her store. Which means he must be the kiss of death?
After perusing tube tops and acting like Amelia reinvented the wheel (or even designed a tube top) they all go to dinner. Immediately Dorit tries throwing Sutton under the bus by claiming she threatened to “flip the fuck out” and she was worried that meant throwing glasses thus destroying this very momentous milestone for Rinna’s daughters. Essentially ‘Pull a Lipsa.’ Right away Sutton tells Dorit to shut-up, calls her a liar and a mean girl, then bursts into tears. Lipsa, who last week was praising Sutton to the hilt as a close friends, sneers that she would’ve thrown her right out if she misbehaved. Sutton snaps that she should know her better.
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I can’t tell if Sutton is masterfully manipulating these women, or just unprepared for what vicious, vacuous creatures they are? She masterfully shuts Dorit down by instructing her to, “Let the mouse go.” Aka, it’s a non-starter. It’s obvious she’s not the kind of déclassé broad who would ever make a scene at a child’s event. Which clearly Lipsa also knows. Someone who is attending the MET Gala as a fashion insider isn’t going to throw a tantrum at some low-down trunk show full of cheap leggings over Joey Maloof, fake-up artists to the C-list stars.
Then of course it comes right back to Kyle and Dorit’s debate over glam. Denise wants to know what makes them fake-ass bitches, and according to Kyle it’s because Denise pretends to be a ragamuffin but is secretly obsessed with glam, as evidenced by having her makeup done before her party and having a diamond ice sculpture. OH PUH-LEAZE, Kyle! “Why am I fake because of that?” Denise demands to know, and Kyle has no answer.
What Kyle really means is that Aaron is a kook and selling snake oil, Dorit is a fraudster living a lie, Lipsa is hiding something about her marriage, and Erika‘s entire life is based a facade and she’s really hoping no one turns over the rock to see the potato bugs scurrying out, but instead Kyle behaves like a fake-ass bitch herself by complaining about the ice sculpture.
Denise has had it with The Kyle Show, which should’ve been canceled years ago. She is “fucking Denise Richards,” star of stage and screen, who often comes to hang out with these low-brow losers after a day on set. Denise snaps that Kyle needs to stop talking at people and fucking listen then proceeds to lecture her on how obnoxious she is. I am living for Denise pulling a Karen and telling Kyle to recognize her place in life.
Only Real Housewives of Beverly Hills could form an entire season around a fighting over the symbolism of a fucking ice sculpture. I’m with Denise – it was fun.
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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills really need to break the lockstep of Kyle, Dorit, Lipsa and Erika. Time for them to start turning on each other because all the good cast members keep leaving instead. It was necessary for LVP to go, but do we really want to chase away Denise and Sutton? In favor of another season of Dorit lying about every aspect of her life? Real Housewives o Beverly Hills is always like Hunger Games in which the women will aways try to inflict the most damage on the strongest people, because they want to keep the focus off themselves. That needs to stop, and producers need to stop allowing it.
TELL US – REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS VIEWERS- ARE YOU TEAM KYLE RICHARDS OR FUCKING DENISE RICHARDS? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS SEASON OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS SO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
