Previously on the Real Housewives of New York, Erin Lichy called Brynn Whitfield a liar for claiming her fertility clinic asked her to name potential men to fertilize her eggs. Brynn was doing the self-care thing by calling a time out from the girl time in Anguilla. She chose to skip dinner with the ladies in exchange for some “me” time. Here’s everything that happened in the wake of that drama, in Real Housewives of New York Season 14, Episode 10.
Breakfast al fresco
Is it day three of the trip already? Wow. I lost a day somewhere. The ladies enjoy breakfast on the outside patio overlooking the awesome ocean view. It’s a little gusty, and when Jenna Lyons emerges in nothing but her silky dressing gown, the breeze catches it. Erin and Brynn laugh about catching sight of what the Real Housewives of New Jersey would call Jenna’s “chuckie.” Whoops!
Ubah Hassan and Jessel Taank are sharing a room, and Ubah says she was woken up during the night by Jessel’s snoring. “I don’t snore!” Jessel insists, but Ubah recorded the evidence on her phone.
“I don’t hear anything,” Jessel still says. “Just a little congestion … It’s just heavy breathing … very elegant.” Admit it, Jessel. You snore.
Erin wants to throw Ubah overboard
Sai De Silva announces that the activity for the day is a boat ride and swimming in the ocean, so get ready. Does anything good ever happen for the Real Housewives of Anywhere on a boat? They always seem to fight whenever they get out on the water. But then Housewives fight everywhere, don’t they?
Erin says Ubah “opened the door to pranking” by pushing her in the pool the day before, so warns the captain that she’s going to push Ubah over the side when she gets the chance.
“Just let me know where it’s safe,” she laughs. “It’s just a matter of time.”
When they arrive at the swimming spot, the captain points out a sea turtle swimming along the side of the boat. “Awwwww, so cute!” they all squeal. “Let’s go swim with the sea turtle!”
When Jenna comes out in a full-body wetsuit (body issues), the other ladies beg her to relax and not be so self-conscious. She’s among friends (on a national TV show). I’m sure no one will see this.
“Take off the wetsuit, girl,” Sai snarks. “A shark is going to bite you because they’re gonna think you’re a seal.”
So Sai, Jenna and Erin jump in the water, while Brynn, Ubah and Jessel remain on the boat. Brynn has high-maintenance hair which doesn’t react well with water. I have curly hair. I totally relate. Once you get it straight, you have to avoid water at all costs or you will end up with a headful of frizz.
Jessel recaps last night’s dinner for Brynn
While the other ladies are off enjoying the water, Brynn sits down with Jessel and Ubah. “We really missed you last night,” Jessel says. “I needed my bodyguard. [Erin and Sai] came at me.”
Jessel tells Brynn about Sai asking when Jessel first came to New York. The brand consultant repeated that she lived with her uncle until she got her first job. Sai did kind of come after her about having her uncle take care of her until she got on her feet when Sai had nobody. But is this really a contest about who had a worse time of it when they were starting out? Are we really competing about who was the most destitute?
“What do you think they were trying to get at?” Brynn asks, cutting to the heart of the matter.
“I think that Erin thinks I’m lying about the fact that I grew up with nothing,” Jessel says. “Why would I lie about that?” I think it’s more about who had the lowest level of nothing. It’s obviously Sai since she was virtually homeless. But why does this have to be a competition?
“No matter what she said,” Ubah interjects, “it wasn’t enough.” Ubah boils it down, “What’s the difference between having $20 in your account and having nothing? You’re both broke.”
“I don’t have to explain my sh*t to anyone,” Jessel concludes.
Sai keeps the pressure on
When the captain asks who wants to help him pilot the boat, Jessel volunteers. [Side note: Brynn tells him, “I can’t drive the boat, but I’ll ride you.” If it’s breathing, Brynn will flirt with it.]
“Jessel does not need to be operating heavy machinery,” Erin snarks after Jessel mistakenly refers to the captain as the boat’s pilot. “She doesn’t even know what the name [of the boat’s operator] is.” Oh, lighten up, Erin. It’s not like she’s gonna be in charge. The captain will be standing right next to her and they’re in the middle of the ocean. It’s not like she’s operating an 18-wheeler in traffic. It’s a pleasure boat. She’ll be fine.
While Jessel is away steering the boat, Brynn spills to the rest of the group about how Jessel felt about being questioned over her upbringing. When Jessel returns, Sai takes another swipe at her. “The answer’s not simple with you, Jessel,” the content creator says. “It’s never simple with you. Did you get help? Did you [not] get help? … The math is not mathing.”
“To be fair,” Ubah interrupts, “she did say that. She said, ‘I would not be able to move to New York if my uncle didn’t help me.'”
“These girls don’t have an agenda with Jenna,” Ubah continues. “Jenna could say her mother was an elephant, and these girls would believe it. Jessel could bring her mom to them and say, ‘This is my mom,’ and they’d say, ‘We need DNA.’ There’s no winning for Jessel.” So just let it go already. Who the f*ck cares?
Finally, Jessel realizes, “Erin is projecting her privilege onto me.” Why does Erin care so much?
The conversation escalates
Suddenly Sai is screaming at Jessel, “We asked to find out more about you, and you started telling us about your parents coming from Kenya. Is that your story? No! We want to know about you!” Jeeze Louise. Why so angry, Sai? I’m sure alcohol’s not a factor at all.
“Ooooh, Brooklyn’s in the house in Anguilla,” Brynn interviews. “The vein popped out [indicating her neck]. Are we on a boat or are we in the bodega? Something’s going down. I’m just gonna grab my snack and get out of here.” I love Brynn. More Brynn, please!
They’re all insisting that Jessel’s story is not about where her parents came from. They think that’s their story.
But Ubah disagrees. “Any generation,” she says, “people share stories of their family. You are who you came from. It’s so shocking that these intelligent women don’t see that. It’s annoying and, actually, quite embarrassing.” She’s right. Family culture is a big part of who you are. Nobody attacked Jenna for talking about her mom’s Asperger’s Syndrome when she was discussing her childhood. These bitches just have it out for Jessel, for some reason.
Brynn offers sex tips over dinner
Does Brynn ever stop talking about sex? Before they’ve even ordered any food, Brynn starts offering sex advice to the ladies. Fun fact #1: “Act like you’re choking during a blowjob. Guys will find that hot.” Okay … I’ll keep that in mind.
Next, she starts demonstrating that blowjob on the straw in her drink. The other diners surrounding them are not so amused. They didn’t sign up to be on this show, but they must have signed the waivers ’cause we can see their faces.
Mama Erin urges her to dial it back a bit. “This is not appropriate for this location,” she tells the marketing consultant. “People are horrified.”
RHONY’s most embarrassing stories
After being chastised for her behavior, Brynn says, “Why don’t we do this? Why don’t we say the most embarrassing story about ourselves?” Oh boy. This should be fun. I only hope Jessel doesn’t start out with, “When my parents lived in Kenya…”
Brynn starts off by talking about getting her first period at the age of 12 or 13. She grabbed a tampon from the bathroom and inserted it into her anus because she “didn’t know there was another hole.” Really, Brynn? Did they not have health education at your school? That’s just sad.
Next, Jessel shared about being on a Spring Break in Cancun and accidentally exposing her boobs in a club. We’ve all been there, Jessel. The same thing happened to me on a water slide in Palm Springs once. I just told the delighted teenage lifeguard that he had to marry me since he’d seen me naked. What are you gonna do?
Telling a very similar story, Jenna relates about the time she slid head-first down the stairs at an exclusive club in NYC, slammed into the wall, and was picked up off the floor by actor Ralph Fiennes. That’s either mortifying or a meet-cute story, I’m not sure which.
Finally, it’s Erin’s turn. “The last time I was embarrassed,” she begins, “I was on a flight and Elijah [her youngest son] would not stop crying. Is that terrible?” Really, Erin? That’s the best you can do? That’s pathetic.
“Is that it?” everybody asks.
“That’s all you have, Erin?” interviews Jessel. “That’s every mother in America, in the world … not a fun story.” I don’t think Erin understood the assignment.
Ubah dreads Erin’s payback
Back at the house, the ladies are ending the evening with a relaxing soak in the hot tub. Ubah knows Erin’s going to try to push her into the pool at some point, as payback for earlier in the trip when Ubah dunked Erin.
“Don’t do it,” she begs. “I love you. Don’t do it.”
“I know that I’m not leaving this trip without this weave getting in the water,” Ubah admits. She should have thought about that before she started things with Erin. She realizes that she started it, and she’s okay with it. It’s just the anticipation that’s killing her. She even tries to tell Erin she can’t swim, so she’ll take pity on her.
“Just give me a minute,” she procrastinates, even though she knows it’s unavoidable. Erin walks away and Ubah goes to test the water with her toe. But at that exact moment, Sai runs over and shoves her into the pool. And it’s done. Payback is accomplished.
Oh, but that’s not enough for Erin. “Doesn’t count,” she insists. “It’s not payback that Ubah’s in the pool ’cause I didn’t push her in. But that’s okay ’cause I also have her phone (she got it from their driver when Ubah left it in the car). So I have another prank coming.” Erin really holds a grudge.
The final day in Anguilla
The next morning, Ubah tells Sai, “You know Erin had my phone and didn’t want to give it to me? Do you know that I have a family and I need to tell them I’m okay?”
“She’s pranking you,” Sai answers. “For throwing her in the pool.”
“But you threw me in the pool,” Ubah says. “The deal is already done.”
Sai explains that Erin didn’t feel it counted since she wasn’t the one who pushed Ubah in the pool.
“She didn’t do it ’cause she’s a pussy,” Ubah responds. “She couldn’t do it.”
Ubah’s pissed about the phone. Apparently, she and Jessel were searching for it at midnight. When they couldn’t find it, they sent a group text from Jessel’s phone asking if anyone had seen Ubah’s cell.
“Erin responded with a bunch of [freezing face] emojis, but we didn’t know what it means,” Ubah said. I think Erin was hinting that losing her phone was “harsh, bummer, too bad.” [I had to Google that since I’m not a teenager.]
Hearing Jessel and Ubah rummaging around downstairs, Sai came out and eventually confessed that Erin had her phone. “So I go upstairs and Erin has it,” Ubah continues. “And she’s, like, laughing.”
“Who takes someone’s phone in another country?” Ubah asks Sai. Sai finally tells Ubah that she knew Erin had her phone, which does not land well with the Ubah Hot founder. Now she’s angry at both Erin and Sai. Your phone is valuable. You have all your contacts, your pictures, your credit card information, your very life in there. Not to mention it’s your lifeline to your loved ones, especially when you’re traveling. Not cool, Erin.
The saga continues…
Erin’s still in bed when Sai comes in and tells her Ubah’s pissed she had her phone. “Really?!” Erin’s surprised.
“I would be, too,” Sai confesses. Even though Erin gave it back when Ubah realized she had it, Ubah’s still angry.
“First of all, she should be thanking me,” Erin says, “’cause she left her phone in the car, and I went and got it for her.” You didn’t go in and get it. The driver found it and gave it to you. But then you kept it, Erin. Stop trying to portray yourself as the hero of this story.
“She needs to calm down,” she adds. “She’s so unreasonable.” And so is Erin. What an entitled bitch. Admit you were wrong, tell your friend you’re sorry and move on. This refusal to accept any blame on your part is not a good look.
Later, Sai, Erin and Brynn are sitting at the breakfast table, when Ubah strolls through the room. Sai’s cheery “good morning” is met with stony silence, as Ubah keeps walking like she’s on the catwalk. “Why are you mad at me?” Sai asks. “What did I do?”
As she passes by again, Brynn looks up and tells her, “Good morning, sweetheart.” Ubah answers her with a kiss on her forehead. It’s obvious Ubah’s turning both Sai and Erin into the frozen-face emojis. She’s icing them out.
“It feels sh*tty,” Erin says. “It actually feels very mean.” Oh, like Ubah felt when she couldn’t find her phone and realized her friend was keeping it from her? Like that, Erin?
When Jessel comes downstairs and Erin asks her why Ubah’s so mad, she responds, “Wait, you don’t remember taking her phone last night?”
“Erin’s a mother, she has kids,” Jessel says. “If the tables were turned … it would have been a problem.” I agree. Even though Brynn thinks “everyone needs to take a class in humor,” she wouldn’t have liked it either if she’d been in Ubah’s shoes. It’s not a nice feeling when you’re upset about losing something valuable, only to discover that someone close to you has had it all along.
Erin justifies herself some more
Next, the ladies are attacking Jessel for defending Ubah.
“Why are you so mad?” Erin asks. “Jessel, you texted me and I sent an emoji like this [placing her thumb and finger under her chin.]” Obviously, Jessel and Ubah didn’t get it, and neither did I. Can I see a show of hands on those who understood it?
“I knew that you guys would all understand that by me going like this,” Erin says, making the face again, “that I had the phone.” But they didn’t, Erin. Just say you’re sorry and move on. Can you do that? OMG, she’s the Teresa Guidice of RHONY! Nothing she says or does is ever Erin’s fault. Ever.
Starting a fight she can’t finish
As the ladies gather in the foyer, Ubah is still ignoring Erin. Erin’s “intimidated,” “a little scared,” and upset about being “singled out.” Just say you’re sorry, Erin. You thought you were pulling a prank, and it fell flat. Just apologize, I’m begging you.
As the ATVs pull into the driveway, Ubah says, “We’re waiting for Erin,” who just went upstairs to get a swimsuit. “Erin was here, right?”
“I hear her saying my name,” the real estate broker snipes. “Stop saying my name when I’m not around.” Oh, for God’s sake, Erin. What’s your problem? Not too “intimidated” to pick a fight…
“I didn’t say your name,” Ubah responds. “All I said was, ‘Erin was standing right here…'”
“I don’t care what you’re saying about me right now,” Erin bitches. “I don’t want you to say my name.”
“Guess what?” Ubah says, towering over her. “I did not say your name.”
“Get out of my face,” Erin responds, feeling threatened. You lit the match, Erin. Either blow it out or brace yourself for the explosion.
“I did not say your name,” Ubah insists, then snatches the sunglasses off Erin’s face. Gurrrrrrl! “Take these glasses off when you’re talking to me. You listen to me…”
“I’m not listening to you,” Erin says, walking away. “You are not allowed to speak to me like this.”
Stepping forward, Ubah yells, “You took my phone. Why did you have my phone?”
“Get away from me,” Erin repeats.
Finally, Sai calls, “Time!” And we’re out.
TELL US – WHOSE SIDE DO YOU TAKE IN PHONE-GATE, ERIN’S OR UBAH’S? DO YOU THINK IT WAS A FUNNY PRANK OR JUST MEAN?
