Episode 13 of Southern Charm Season 9, aptly entitled “Choppy Waters,” was the ending we all needed to last week’s jaw-dropping episode. This edition promised a boatload of drama, and boy, did it deliver. While on the high seas for some much-needed fun in the sun, the Charmer’s tension is brewing beneath the surface of the tropical blue waters. The episode and vessel take an unexpected diversion, however. Austen and Shep find themselves at one another’s throats over who is the worst boyfriend. At least, that’s what I think they were arguing about. Here’s everything that went down in Southern Charm Season 9, Episode 13.
Can’t we get through one dinner?
The episode picks up where Episode 12 left off. We’re at a crab shack with Shep and Craig screaming at one another. Shep is irate about Craig being given a pass because of his long-distance relationship, but he is still “torn to pieces” over his breakup with Taylor. I mean, as Craig stated, maybe don’t cheat on your girlfriend, buddy. To calm down, Shep grabs a Red Stripe because, yeah, ingesting more alcohol will make everything all better.
Taylor is keeping to herself as she quietly cries, and Olivia decides to take matters into her own hands, pulling up a chair. Olivia, who is still grieving her brother’s death, tells her former BFF, “This is difficult. I don’t like this. I don’t enjoy the headlines. If you had just been honest with me from the start, none of this would be happening.” Even after Olivia shows so much kindness, all Taylor can do is dry heave.
Taylor confesses, kind of
The first words spoken by Taylor are, ”But the thing is, I made a mistake, and I lied about it. But I can’t do anything more.” Olivia’s face says it all, really, with Taylor’s confession going back to how she has been hurt in the past instead of taking accountability for what she did to her best friend. Olivia notes that the level of betrayal within the friendship is bizarre, pointing out how Taylor used Austen as a dig to hurt Shep. It is clear as day that little Taylor is over the drama she has created.
We then find Austen in the corner trying to gather allies, which will not work today, Satan! The only ear he can find is Venita’s, and she is definitely not Team Austen. Thankfully Madison shuts everyone at the bar up to eavesdrop just in time to catch Olivia saying, “I hate you. I hope he was worth it,” to Taylor. Again, I am left clutching my pearls. Insert fainting spell here.
It’s a system of checks and balances
I will say, that I loved how the ladies rallied around Olivia when Shep jumped onto the bus to mansplain her own situation.
Madison’s “Get off the fu*king bus!” and Venita’s “She doesn’t want to talk to you” outbursts while smacking the seat are still ringing in my ears.
A scene that should go down in Southern Charm history.
Madison reveals her secret crush
If you haven’t already figured out, I am a JT fan, and his little floaties only add to his cuteness. The day started out nice enough as Little Napoleon was forced to jump off an 11-foot boat. Cue the childish screaming. Meanwhile, while everyone is frolicking in the water, Madison decides to open up to Craig about her girl crush on Paige. The Sewing Down South owner notes that he and his girlfriend only see each other for about four days a week, which honestly seems pretty okay in my book.
The age-old question of when Craig will start his family is finally being answered. In a candid conversation, he tells Madison that he would happily move to New York for a few years to appease Paige because he can no longer work remotely anymore. He notes his company is tied to Charleston. Craig drops the hammer as he shares, “If Paige weren’t able to move to Charleston one day, then we would probably break up.” Look who is rocking the boat now.
The boys are back in town
I don’t know what has happened to the men of Southern Charm, but all I can see is their wide-brimmed fiesta hats as Shep and Austen go at each other. I may be rusty, but if I am translating my frat boy right, Austen actively feels he has the capacity to care about people. Shep condescendingly laughs, saying “You care about people? That’s rich.” Thank god we have the voice of reason, Craig, to help the lines of communication. He tells Shep to be honest about the fact that he is upset; Austen hooked up with his ex even though he won’t admit it.
Shep’s voice rings out as he asks, “Are you okay? Cause you’re on Page Six, not looking too okay, bub.” In what felt like a mad hatter move, Austen deflects, saying Shep doesn’t look okay. It very much felt like I’m rubber, you’re glue scenario. I have to say, a tear came to my eye as Austen went for the juggler, telling Shep, “Oh, you’re nice? Telling Taylor it was fun to cheat on her was nice?” Honestly, both men are bad friends to one another, but Austen may take the Heavyweight Championship. It seemed to finally dawn on Shep that his best friend had indeed hooked up with his ex, and it is not sitting well.
The only two people in the entire hotel room who didn’t look unhinged were Craig and Madison. They stood and watched all their hard work pay off. In one last punch to the kidney, Austen drives his point home, yelling, “She came on to me, motherf*cker. Not the other way around.” Austen, you could have said no. The word is considered a full sentence if used correctly.
Southern Charm Season 9 airs Thursdays at 9/8c on Bravo.
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