Welcome to the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 5, Episode 1 recap! In this week’s episode, called “Costume or Couture?” Lisa invites all her “friends” to a Valentine’s party, which quickly degenerates into shouting and arguing, so the usual then. Lisa is upset with Whitney for calling her a “villain” on Nick Viall’s podcast. Meredith is upset with Whitney for veering into Meredith’s commercial space with her jewelry line and her bath products. Angie brought her own list of grievances against Meredith, and everyone is demanding apologies. Here are some of the highlights from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 5, Episode 1.
Besos, Bitches!
Say what you want about Salt Lake City; it sure is pretty. After some lovely drone shots of the Wasatch and Oquirrh Mountains, we zoom in on Lisa and her sister-in-law Kim stepping out of a car at the Blue Sky Ranch.
Apparently, it’s a Valentine’s party, and Lisa’s called it “Besos,” which means “kisses” in Spanish. Lisa wants to remind her girlfriends that she loves them … “some more than others.”
“Last year wasn’t the easiest,” Lisa tells us, flashing back to the dinner in Bermuda where they all confronted Monica. “There was so much turmoil with my friends. It’s not the first time we’ve gone through it, but it’s the worst time we’ve gone through it. I think that brings all of us so close together.”
Lisa questions Whitney’s friendship on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 5
“Two Weeks Earlier,” we see Lisa telling Angie and Heather (who’s lost A LOT of weight since last season and looks great) that she’s inviting Whitney, even though “she was rude about me on a podcast.”
On the podcast, Whit told former Bachelor Nick Viall that Lisa never apologizes for anything. “She doesn’t care about anything else other than being right,” Whitney said. “Lisa’s always been the villain!”
Angie and Mary are besties this season on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Mary and Angie arrive together. They’re friends now. They even bought the same sunglasses, though in different colored frames.
It all started with Angie giving Mary a heads-up at the Season 4 Reunion that she had lipstick on her teeth. Now they’re besties with matching Burkins and everything. Mary even invited Angie to Kathy Hilton’s Christmas party, which I understand is a big deal.
For her part, Mary feels Angie “brings a genuine side that really cares about me.” Awww! Mary finally has a friend – outside of Meredith.
Heather shows up in a red pleather dress with three-dimensional hearts all over it. It’s pretty cute. “You know I love a theme,” she squeals.
“You look pretty,” Mary says. “And thin!”
“I finally cracked the code,” Heather tells us in a confessional. “I lost 25 pounds, and now Mary Cosby loves me.” She does look like a different person, but we all know it was Ozempic (not that that’s a bad thing).
“I’ve gone from ‘inbred,’” Heather jokes, “to pretty and thin. This is the start of a beautiful relationship.”
And here comes our newbie, Bronwyn Newport. She’s wearing a white dress printed with red kisses and a giant red, furry heart jacket. Talk about being on theme. Everybody stops and turns to watch her arrival.
My friend Google tells me that Bronwyn is a successful Broadway producer and a fashionista. Lisa tells us she’s always “over the top” and lots of fun. She has six dogs, a teenage daughter named Gwen, and a husband “who’s just a little bit older than me.” She’s 38, while he’s 65.
Meeting the “friends” for RHOSLC Season 5
We also meet the “friends of” for the season Meili Workman and Britani Bateman. Britani is a “messed-up Mormon,” according to Heather, who she’s known for a few years. She was dating Jared Osmond, “which is the Mormon equivalent of dating Prince Harry,” until the day of the party.
As Britani sits down with Bronwyn and Mary, she makes a bad first impression. “Bronwyn, I love your costume!” she says – a major faux pas. “Oh, Lord. She done called it a costume. I’m done,” Mary laments. “That’s fashion, honey.” STRIKE NUMBER ONE.
Mary then takes to confessional to joke Britani took “about 17 German Shepherds to the groomer, and then she made a coat, and then dyed it burgundy.” It’s all fun, camp drama, until Mary opens up about her past.
She says that she has a room full of clothes, because when she was younger, she and her siblings didn’t have much. To which Britani responds, “So you became a hoarder.” STRIKE NUMBER TWO.
Britani tries to reel it back, by saying she “was there” as she “grew up poor.” She also admits to putting food in her purse. STRIKE NUMBER THREE. “Well, I wasn’t poor, I didn’t say that,” Mary bites back. And it’s “not okay” to put food in your purse.
Audiences better keep a close eye on the dynamics between Britani, Bronwyn, and Mary.
Is Whitney encroaching on Meredith’s territory?
Meredith’s also got a bone to pick with Whitney. First, Whit came out with a jewelry line (Meredith has a jewelry line). Then she came out with a line of bath products, while Meredith says, “Everybody knows the bath is my thing.”
At the party, she approaches Whitney and asks, “What’s up with the bath bombs? … What is your problem with me?”
“I have no problem with you,” Whitney responds. “You’re reading way too much into this.”
In a confessional, she adds, “I am genuinely concerned that Meredith is spending too much time in the bathtub … I think everything is starting to shrivel up and prune, including her brain.”
“If you loved me as a friend, you would have picked up the phone and [told me you were] doing this,” Meredith says.
“If you were a friend, you’d know I’ve already sold bath bombs,” Whitney says. “That’s how I launched my business … You bought Iris and Beau [Whitney’s business] and put it in your store.”
“You didn’t have bath bombs when I bought it,” Meredith says, but Whitney insists she did.
Whitney admits she’s sorry she didn’t send Meredith a box of bath bombs with a note saying, “You’re gonna love these!”
Some people make lists; Angie brings a scroll
As Whitney and Meredith wind up their conversation, Angie asks, “Can I have a minute to talk to Meredith?”
“Heather made me aware that you are wanting an apology. I’m happy to give you an apology, Meredith,” she says, pulling a giant scroll out of her purse. OMG, what is this?
“[But] here’s a few things that I’d like an apology for,” Angie says, untying the scroll, which unwinds to the ground. Jeeze Louise, could this woman be any more dramatic? Everyone’s jaws drop, including that of a horse munching hay nearby. It’s just so silly.
Angie wants Meredith to apologize “for suggesting I’m involved in organized crime [the “Greek Mafia” accusation from last season], for encouraging [Monica] to sue me and take my home, threatening rumors about my family, threatening rumors about my business, perpetuating rumors on Twitter …”
Everyone’s amazed that Angie brought a scroll. “Where do you even get a scroll?” Whitney wants to know. She went to the crafts store, bought all the materials, and made it. That’s where she got it.
“This is some calculated sh*t!” Heather laughs. Angie went to a lot of trouble to bring a prop to Lisa’s party. She’s really working too hard at “making good television.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Angie concludes.
“We’re finished,” Meredith snaps and walks away. That went well.
In a confessional, Angie says she thought Meredith would laugh off the list, but “Meredith has no sense of humor. I think it went down the drain with her dirty bath water.”
Bronwyn tries to broker peace on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Finally, Lisa says, “Let’s go eat.” Someone raises a metal door, and they can all go inside and be seated at the table.
At the table, Angie and Meredith are still bickering about who owes who an apology. It’s so silly. Finally, Bronwyn says, “Can you just draw a line and say, ‘We’re gonna start from here. We’re not gonna talk about the past stuff anymore.’ Let’s just draw a line and keep going.” Sensible advice.
Even though Angie agrees, she can’t stop talking about it. Let it go, Angie.
“Can we do it now?” Bronwyn repeats. “Let’s do it now.”
Even though she says, “Okay,” Angie keeps talking about Meredith telling someone to “take her house.” They should not be seated near each other.
After Bronwyn’s third attempt at making peace, Heather gives up and puts a napkin over her face. “I am over it,” she sighs.
Lisa and Whitney go at it
At the table, Whitney mentions Lisa’s toast when she said they had things to talk about. “What’s going on?”
Lisa’s angry that Whitney made her podcast about “me, not about you.”
Whitney says that Lisa heard it as being all about herself because she’s “self-absorbed.” Ouch.
“You lied about me to disparage my character,” Lisa fires.
Whitney objects to being called a liar. And off we go.
“Lisa’s calling me a liar over how I feel is Narcissism 101,” Whitney says in a confessional. “You can’t tell someone that they’re lying about their feelings. It’s like me telling Lisa, ‘Diet Coke [Lisa’s favorite] is not the best. You’re lying! Diet Pepsi is the best’ … You f*cking liar!” LOL.
When Whitney lets it slip that she heard Lisa was complaining about her just this past week, Lisa knows it was either Angie or Heather (see above) and demands, “Who told you?”
It was Angie, but Whitney doesn’t want to throw her under the bus. But when Heather says it wasn’t her, Angie admits she was the one who talked to Whitney. Lisa goes ballistic. So much for love and besos.
This argument makes no sense to me. Finally, Lisa insists Whitney lied about her, and Angie was disloyal to her, throwing her drink and shattering the glass for emphasis. That’s gonna come out of your deposit, Lisa.
The look on Bronwyn’s face is priceless. She’s like, “WTF did I sign up for? This is crazy.”
“I have not done anything besides call you a villain,” Whitney says, “which I stand by.”
“I will be your villain, bitch!” Lisa claps back. “Game on. You want me to be your villain, I’ll be your villain.”
It’s Whitney Rose vs. everybody in the RHOSLC Season 5 premiere
“I have never lied,” Whitney responds, to which Heather lets out a huge cackling laugh.
“I love Whitney,” she interviews, “but this is what drives me crazy. She spins the truth to fit her own narrative where she can do no wrong. I’ve seen Whitney do this time and again, and it’s incredibly frustrating.”
“You lied about me and the book,” Heather tells her. “And you lied about giving approval [for what she wrote in the book].” Didn’t Heather spend years lying about her black eye? But it’s not over there…
“You accused me of lying about my father’s memorial,” Meredith adds. “That’s the most hurtful thing a ‘friend’ has ever done to me … You accused Mary of running a cult and being a predator … You’ve accused everyone in our core group of having affairs.”
“You chased me out of a bar [in Bermuda],” Heather throws in, “and you screamed, ‘You exploited my vagina!’ … That was a f*cking lie, which makes you a liar.”
I think Lisa made a mistake with the open bar. Some of these “ladies” have been way overserved.
Just say you’re sorry you hurt her “fillings” and move on, Whitney. You’re all just going around in circles, and it’s making me dizzy.
Finally, Whitney reaches her limit. Miss Healing Journey holds up her middle finger and says, “F*ck you, Lisa Barlow.” She was backed into a corner, so she bit.
“You can leave,” Lisa tells her. “There’s the door.”
Before leaving, Whitney turns around and accuses them all of “weaponizing her trauma” against her. Heather certainly did that once upon a time, but this time round? That’s unclear.
Also, did anyone peep the band members laughing their asses off when Whitney walked out? Classic.
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Bravo.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALT LAKE CITY SEASON 5, EPISODE 1? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BRONWYN?
