Last night marked a lot of positives for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One those being that there was absolutely no Taylor Armstrong drunken drama to report. And the ladies went to Las Vegas and GOT. ALONG! *gasp* Of course, being that this is Bravo and they like to traumatize and put us through undue emotional strain, there were also some drawbacks. Namely she whose face melts like a crayon left in the sun. Versions 1 & 2!
Things begin with Yolanda Foster, her fridge, her lemonpalooza, and her Hermes belt hosting an anti-aging conference. Yolanda explains that scary plastic surgery zombies who pump their faces full of toxins need to accept that aging is natural and that moving one's face is too. I think we just discovered why Yolanda doesn't like Adrienne Maloof or Faye Resnick – she doesn't agree with their "grooming" habits or the fact that even while crying, screaming, and attempting to smile their faces look like blobs of dough with eye and nose holes.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not believe Mrs. Foster 4.0 is immune to the needle of 'tox. That forehead is awfully smooth for a woman of her age. I don't believe lemons are solely responsible for her refined pores. Do you?
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To prove her point that aging well is about taking care of yourself, Yolanda is having a toxin-free lunch on her gorgeous patio with special guest Suzanne Somers! Suzanne, still rocking the Three's Company hairstyle, waltzes in with pouches of magic vitamins and tries to convince Lisa Vanderpump that she should be swallowing 45 herbal supplements daily so she can continue having sex well into her hundreds.
Lisa cuts her eyes and basically says, 'Bitch I don't want to have sex now – it ruins my hair and I have to take off my heels, so I especially don't want to be shoving wrinkles and flab in poor Ken's face at 110!' Suzanne – and apparently Yolanda who wants to outlast all 43 of David's ex-wives – plan to be swallowing pills and man potion until they're 110. I'd rather just eat dessert, thankyouverymuch. And wine.
Kyle Richards' eyes are shining, she loves being in the presence of the famous, no matter how dated and B-list. She waxes poetic about how she is like a HUGE fan of Suzanne and her book. I concur that they both share the same ideology about never, ever changing your hairstyle no matter how archaic!
So anyway, Yolanda's lunch looked amazing and I need that recipe – and the gorgeous view that goes along with it.
Speaking of ecstasy, Brandi Glanville is taking a stripperobics class in order to prepare for her Girls Gone Wild and Out (Joe Francis, optional!) summit in Vegas. I'd like to take a moment to observe appropriate revere for Brandi's legs. Oh sweet lord of Chanel and Riesling please let me die and wake up with those things.
Oh yeah – she's soooo never done this before. Uh huh.
The stripperobics instructor is similarly in awe. In fact when Brandi walked in on those mile-long stems and wrapped them around the pole and dropped into a full split that spanned the width of the room it was as if she had a vision of the second coming. She quickly exalted Brandi as her goddess by jumping around the room cheering, dancing, clapping, and whooping it up. You could say Brandi took her to church! Or it was like Christmas…
Brandi attempts to play coy, claiming she's never really worked a pole before, except for the one Eddie Cibrian had installed in their bedroom to distract from the fact that he was schtupping LeAnn Rimes over in Malibu. We are torn from the vision of greatness and swiftly reinstalled back into reality when we are confronted with a sighting of Faye. Oh please Bravo – spare me.
Kyle is having a graduation party for her daughter Sophia and she has chosen to invite like the most important people in her whole wide world, Faye and Adrienne. Her siblings, Kim Richards and Kathy Hilton, were not there. Um… OK then! Does Kathy even know Sophia exists?
Apparently Adrienne has been in hiding since the whole Brandi lawsuit (and she should be hiding that 90210 first generation vest she was rocking) and it has put considerable strain on her life. So much strain that Paul Nassif isn't allowed to help her get chicken from the buffet. Is Bravo seriously acting like that's indicative of Brandi-related stress? Cause Adrienne has been micro-managing and bitching at Paul since day one!
Over lunch of course Faye and Adrienne hop on the opportunity to talk Brandi. Adrienne lauds Faye with praise and reward for defending her to the evil wicked witch trying to poison her reputation. Faye glows radioactively with glee. Maybe she injected highlighter in there to achieve that sheen?
Kyle giggles nervously, eager to also bask in the reward so she quickly confirms to Adrienne that Faye was "on fire" at her dinner party when she judiciously attacked Brandi. When Faye is on fire the smell of melting plastic fills the air.
Adrienne then turns her attentions to Mauricio, whom also reaps the rewards of defending her. They're all jumping through hoops to prove their worth to her – is Adrienne their empress?
If Adrienne were the ruler of a land it would be the land of surgeried rubber catified faces. And looking at Faye and Adrienne's surgically catified rubber faces side-by-side I'm more convinced than ever that they are plastic surgery experiments. Or robots.
Maybe Adrienne emits a toxic smell, because Kyle reveals that she was secretly pleased when Adrienne and Paul had to leave early to meet with Radar and sell more stories about Brandi, as this party was supposed to be about her daughter, Sophia. So why invite Housewives who only want to discuss their own drama?
After the Maloofs hoof off, Kyle and Mauricio introduce Sophia and discuss her accomplishments. It was very, very sweet. I wish we could see more of this Kyle, the genuine and loving Kyle and less of the splits and shit-stirring Kyle intent to prove her necessity to this show. If only Faye would have gotten out of the camera's path. She was seriously glued next to Kyle the entire time in a desperate attempt to keep herself on film. Ugh.
Kim missed Sophia's graduation because she was busy waltzing down memory lane with her assistant. She's organizing photos to hang in her newest rental, but that's not all that's on her mind. Kim announces she's getting a nose job. Kyle always wanted her to have one – oh and she's been really bored lately and wondering what she could do with her time now that days and days of it haven't descended down the black hole of drinking, so she'll just you know slice off part of her nose! How fun! And it will totally give her a storyline, too! BONUS!
Kim admits she showed up at the clinic to take a friend and decided she should get something done, just because, and the doctor eventually decided her nose was a mess and she should focus on that. I wondered why Dr. Paul wasn't de-schnozing Kim's face, but then I realized he's probably conducting experiments on Adrienne, Taylor, and Faye and entirely too busy. Those 'bots require a lot of maintenance.
So yay Kim – new nose to match her new life, or so she tells us. Kim is really happy with her doctor. She tells us: "I know he knows about noses!" Say that three times fast while on your third glass of wine. I think I'm gonna use that in my Dr. Seuss for Housewives children's book.
As all the girls prepare for the big Vegas trip, Brandi invites a friend over to paw through her hoochie collection, otherwise known as her wardrobe. Brandi is nervous and hopes everyone will see a softer side of her. She doesn't want to be exclusively known as the girl who says "Shut the f**k up!" all the time. But even if you are that girl, this group desperately needs her!
And then we are transported to a fantasy world where everything is pink and sparkly and furry as Pomeranians and glisteny and glowy and smells like cupcakes and flowers, it is not unlike a Lisa Frank Trapperkeeper come to life. And that world belongs to Lisa Vanderpump – her closet is its castle.
Lisa debates the merits of bringing sexy underwear to Vegas so she can work-it on the stripper pole. Duke Ken, lounging in a puffy paint and sequined chair which twinkles like diamonds, advises her to wear a disguise and sport some brown grannypanties because no beautiful, precious wife of his is shaking her assets. Lisa's closet is my destiny – of that I am convinced – if only she would adopt me.
Marisa Zanuck is also getting ready and on hand to help her decide on the appropriately slutty clothes is her adorably kooky mom. Marisa's mom dismisses her entire wardrobe as frumpy and one particular dress as "Holly Hobby" and boondocks. It did look a little polygamous commune lingerie.
Marisa's mom also wants to come – after all she's a girl and she deserves a girls night out to whoop it up. Marisa reverts to teenaged angst and whines that her mom is embarrassing her. OK, how much do you love that about moms – no matter how old you are your mother can still immediately teleport you back to being sixteen and angsty. Oh moms.
Making love out of lemons.
As the limo arrives to chariot our bickering bitches out of the BH, Yolanda is praising her husband to skies by serving him a homemade dinner on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. That's just their backyard. Yolanda has made chicken and other amazing looking yum and reminds us all that one's husband is a treasure who must be lavished with praise, sex, attention, and food. I might think my husband was that great if I had Yolanda's house too.
Yolanda's reasoning for all of this fuss is that upstart bitches in BH will f–k your man for a Chanel bag – even last season's! And without saying it we all immediately thought of Taylor. That's probably why Yolanda's security team has her photo in their database with a big red "EXILED" stamped over it. Yolanda is not taking any chances with that zip code chasing desperada!
Because David is the all-important master Yolanda will be meeting the ladies the following day.
Am I watching the right show? Who are these women getting along?
In Vegas all is going well. Too well. Creepily well, which means it is a bad omen of terrible times to come. Taylor will crash the event and drunkenly swing around the pole flashing her cooch. Or Faye will show up with her arms transformed into botox needles to attack Brandi's nubile (for this group!) skin. Or Adrienne will kidnap them all, holding them hostage at The Palms. Or, you know, they could just all have a big fight per the usual.
Anyway, dinner the first night everyone gets along and discusses their real lives without arguing or double-speak. The girls talk Brandi's life and the divorce, and how it's all been so chaotic and depressing. It hits a nerve with Kyle who recognizes that she wouldn't be able to handle Mauricio cheating on her – and leaving her – while pregnant.
Brandi describes sharing the story as showing her "softer side" then she feeds Kyle an oyster by shoving it down her throat. They lock eyes over the sauvignon blanc – lovingly chosen by Brandi – and realize they aren't so different at all. The hazy margarita gaze softens their feelings and Kyle reaches her hand past the escarole to Brandi's, they emotionally make-out, vow to be girls instead of mean girls, and all is well for at least a moment. Until the wretched Adrienne crashes the party next week with her lawsuits and her bad clothes and her tackery that no one wants to deal with but can't avoid. Ugh it's just so Shanel.
Some other stuff happened over dinner, Brandi confronted Marisa over the fact that she doesn't love her hubby enough and Brandi will totally take him if Marisa's not interested. Bravo set it up to be some big, huge blown-up deal of yet another example of Brandi spewing her unsought out opinions, but instead Marisa just agreed and admitted she's been acting twat-ish.
The next day Yolanda shows up and meets them pool-side. She sips a green juice as Lisa recoils in horror. Yolanda tells us we are what we eat – does Adrienne eat cat? Kyle momentarily forgets her fuzzy feelings for Brandi when she spots her in a bikini, but then they all go shopping followed by pole dancing.
Brandi practices her little speech before the supportive (I know, right?!) eyes of the ladies and after a few stuttering false starts blurts out that she just wants women to love each other and feel OK about themselves – even if it is only for a little while. She tells us speaking from your heart is never wrong. And if this were a movie that's where it would end with everyone laughing and hugging and drinking wine and feeling all lovey-dovey sweet to each other.
But alas, this is RHOBH and we all know the storm is brewing on the horizon just above The Palms.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – PEACEFUL EPISODES OF RHOBH: FUN OR BORING? DOES KIM NEED A NOSE JOB – OR A STORYLINE? DID YOU LIKE SEEING THE SOFTER SIDE OF BRANDI?
