Well if ever there was a reason to recklessly abandon tea and convert to coffee, last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was it! Does tea just bring out the worst behavior in everyone – or is that wine? Or is it actually just that 3/4 of the people on this show are hideous specimens of humanity?
So Lisa Vanderpump tried to make amends last night. She took all her fancy British etiquette and tried to apply it to unscrupulous famewhores. Logic fail! She began with Splits Richards, whom Lisa had always believed to be a fun person, a friend, but underneath all Kyle's layers of caftans and hair lie a woman possessed. Possessed with the desire to be important and relevant – and most importantly famous. Enter Reality TV.
Then Lisa tried with Adrienne Maloof who was let out of the cryogenic freezer before her face fully thawed to socialize with the ladies. Adrienne's equally unappealing friend (and Kyle's Doppelganger) Faye Resnick was also hauled out for the unappetizing occasion. More on that thoughtless and repulsive decision later.
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And finally – yes finally – Lisa tried with Taylor Armstrong. Oh Taylor, girl you never disappoint. You operate on a section of principals I will never understand and I have to admit (and I can't believe I'm actually saying this) I actually enjoyed what you brought to the table last night. Pun intended. Sometimes when you slosh the wine down your gullet like it's a lifesaving tonic, it turns out to be semi-fun. Especially when you borrow from Camille Grammer's role at last year's tea party as the arbiter of truth.
So with all that being said, including a positive towards Loony Lips, let's begin shall we?
So yes, Splits – she's got problems. She's got too many designer clothes to fit in her closet and has them all piled up on her dressing room floor. Proof positive if there ever was one that Kyle is not in Lisa's league, because Lisa's "closet" is coming up soon and sweet baby Jesus in the manger when I die and go somewhere, I sure hope I am blessed enough to end up in her house, most specifically that dressing room overlooking the moat!
Anyway, for once I wished I had a Splits Richards problem, too many clothes to know what to do with. But I'm quite thankful that I don't have one of her other problems; which is that I don't really understand what friendship is. Shall we send Kyle the definition? Perhaps needlepoint it on a throw pillow so she can keep it handily around for quick reference?
Kyle goes over to Lisa's to meet with her and discuss how their friendship has fallen apart and why Lisa is upset with her. It goes a little like this: Lisa: "Kyle I really just wish you would stand up for me when people are being mean to me. Even if I don't technically need you to, it feels good to know you have friends who defend you and want to support you. Particularly when people are saying ludicrous stuff about me."
Kyle: "But Lisa… I don't get it. When everyone is already arguing I don't want to get in the middle. I hate being in the middle. I like to be the star – the middle is like for people like Kim and Taylor. And you like don't need me to." Lisa: "So you don't think you owe me any sort of apology? I would really appreciate if you could just admit you hurt me." Kyle: "Stop. Nobody cares. I can do a split, wanna see?" Lisa: "Well Kyle that disappoints me and it hurts my feelings."
Kyle: "Just forget about it and move forward. You've done things too. You hold grudges and can't forgive people and you like – well I don't caare and I'm not sorry. So there!" Lisa: "Well relationships change, and this one's toast. But let's agree to disagree and try to move forward from here." Kyle (to confessionals): "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Why doesn't Lisa wanna be my friend?!?!?! She's never going to love me again."
Lisa: "Well, errrr… don't you have to go now?" Kyle: "Can we have a tea party? With cookies! And can I bring Faye?" Lisa: "No Faye – that plastic object is a florescent mess of horrors and her manners are atrocious. How about Adrienne instead? At least she's technically on this show."
Lisa to Ken, later: "Somehow I agreed to invite all these imbeciles – including that Maloof woman – over for tea so we can all get along again. Fat chance of that! Fire up the open bar – we're gonna need it!"
That's about the gist of it!
Brandi Glanville goes to meet Yolanda Foster at some riding stable where her daughter is practicing her equestrian. Yolanda looks casual, age-appropriate, and chic. She really needs to teach a class in aging gracefully and accepting it with dignity. Anyway, of course the tea party is brought up. Yolanda, avoiding all future food situations involving RHOBH has conveniently scheduled anything to avoid attending. "I'm washing my hair," she tells Brandi.
Brandi is being forced to go to appear peaceable, but she has the worries about the whole thing. And when Brandi gets the worries she says things that she probably shouldn't. Yolanda counsels her on one important detail she should always remember: "Who is Adrienne Maloof in this world?"
'She's nobody and she's very insecure. And frankly darling she'd kill a person for your legs. Always remember that! Tootles.' And Yolanda is off. It was the dawning revelation for Brandi that she too has power. She has a currency that no amount of money can buy – and the faces of Faye and Adrienne are 100% proof of that.
So then comes tea party day. Lisa has brought in Jax and Peter from SUR (she only owns 51% of them though) to bartend the event. I guess Lisa was hoping distracting with pretty might keep the drama to a simmer. Oops but she invited Taylor. Big mistake. Huge.
Brandi arrives first wearing a shirt she convinced herself could be a dress. Currency. Lisa, displaying her power as lady of the manner, has worn a Mrs. Roper, the millionaire, esque caftan. It was very um… well, Valentino, I'm sure it was. Then Taylor shows up and she's brought a gift shrouded in tissue paper that matches her outfit.
It's a housewarming present. Lisa, scrutinizing it warily, accepts it gingerly as if it might be dirty. And it was. First of all, Taylor had it laying in the box under her bed for about six months collecting dust and didn't bother to wipe it off or throw it in a gift bag.
And secondly, it's a vibrator. Lisa smiles tersely, coos thank you, and instructs Brandi to give Taylor the tour as she's too busy. Then she throws it in the trash. 'Lord only knows where that's been,' she quips. Jax fished it out later and brought it home to Laura Leigh. (SEE: Vanderpump Rules).
Taylor and Brandi pad up the light gray carpeted stairs and they enter the domain of the queen. Her private quarters. Lush, fabulous, and seriously mouth-dropping. Did I mention Lisa's house has a moat? It really is a castle. Taylor was practically pooping her pants and convulsing with jealousy. As tears pricked the back of her eyes, she thought sourly, 'This is what Russell promised me. Instead all I got was a lawsuit, a bad reputation, and a lame-ass book no one even bought. Bastard.'
Brandi coos and gushes pretending this is her house and her mind drifted, 'Why did I marry Eddie? I wasted my youth, the original shape of my vagina, and my best years on a smooth-talking swindler who was never going to be better than Melrose Place.' Taylor and Brandi's eyes met over the vanity display case and suddenly they realized they weren't so different. 'It will be OK,' Brandi whispered.
They wandered into Ken's closet. And that's when things got really bad, because inside was a naked photo of Lisa lounging on on white fur. She looked stunning, breathtaking, regal – and Ken loved her. Taylor and Brandi both realized at that moment love is better than money, but money with love is the best thing of all. Let this be a lesson to all.
The girls trickle in. Camille nervously hands Lisa a gift – a peace offering. Marisa Zanuck wore white again and remained mute for the entire party except to complain about having sex with her husband for 16-years. Brandi suggested a threesome and gestured to Jax and Peter, who weren't able to keep up with the demand for rose fast enough.
And then, Brandi noticed something horrifying out the window. Something truly gruesome. 'What IS that,' she scoffed wiping the window so she could see better. The air drained from the room. It was the three crones: Kyle, Adrienne and the dreadful Faye. 'Oh bloody hell!' Lisa snapped "I told her Faye was not to come. Now the party will be filled with the foul stench of burning rubber. Rosia – please, the scented candles!'
So Kyle never shit-stirs… which is why she toted Faye along to a tea party that was supposed to be about making amends. Luckily Faye is apparently afraid of the wrath of Lisa – and the threat of being ripped to shreds by killer Pomeranians – because I don't remember her speaking once. It was her best look yet!
Lisa accepts them politely, but distantly and everyone congregates awkwardly until Lisa ushers them to the table. Kyle is giddy with the anticipation of drama – you could feel it. Kim Richards is missing. Lisa phones her. And Kim… well it's no surprise she's not coming. "My dog ate my new nose," she warbles. Always with the excuses… 'I fell off a cliff. I got trapped in wal-mart. My head exploded and I have to clean it up.'
At the table Lisa has arranged for each lady to get a little present. Since Kim bailed, I guess Faye lucked out and got her present. Why does some horrible part of me think Kyle made Kim stay home so Faye could show up instead. I admit, I'm a bad, bad person.
Things start out OK, it's tense but everyone is behaving civilly. Lisa presides over the table and makes a toast to getting along and rebuilding friendships. I know, I was shocked too. I even after admit that I liked Adrienne's earrings – the clashed horribly with her orangeness, the lipstick, and her nail polish – but you know baby steps – right?! You can take the girl out of Vegas, but you can't take the tacky out of the girl.
But then things started to unravel with ol' Oklahoma. Taylor started wine-ding up and then she started to get loose lipped. And surgically enhanced double-sized (and loony) lips sink ships! Or tea parties, if you will. Maybe it was all the sugar mixed with the wine?
Taylor joked that she's gonna sue Lisa if she does a back flip and breaks her neck. Apparently Taylor got a scholarship for gymnastics in college. I think she accidentally said the word sue, but that's a naughty, naughty loaded word in this group. Adrienne thought Taylor was intentionally making the comment to piss her off.
And the air started to freeze, but Taylor just rambled on until it got creaky and isotopic. And she wasn't getting it. But then she got it. 'Oops – SUE,' she thought. 'That's right Adrienne is su-ing Brandi. This'll be good – this will be real, real good.' And Taylor started to go Oklahoma. Because she remembered that she and Brandi had something ELSE in common – lawsuits within their friend group. You could see the flash in her eyes, the recognition. 'Here comes drama!' she mentally screamed in her best The Shining voice!
Kyle tried to change the subject and naturally brought up THE white party! And Kyle is so excited about her fabulously tacky fete, except Taylor's not. She hopes she can actually attend this year, not show up and be escorted from the house like she accidentally had a big poop stain on her white dress.
Taylor mentions something about how Kyle is one her closets friends – but it was a pointed comment – and pierced like an arrow Remember friends don't sue friends! It was too too late to save this party – it was a broken heel on a Louboutin at that point.
Lisa hauled Taylor out back and made her take a time out. Lisa's hostessing skills are sublime. She made up some BS excuses to get Taylor and Brandi away from the table and gave Taylor a little lecture about decorum and appropriate social skills. 'This,' Lisa said kindly, 'is why you aren't married to a Ken. Now get it together and watch your mouth or I'll have to wash it out with soap.' Taylor nodded and pretended to listen.
Then Taylor told us when she decides to speak her mind – watch out! What she meant: 'When I decide I NEED camera time and have to be center of attention, I ruin parties!' And so she did. She runs back to the table and basically flipped it, Beverly Hills style.
Back at the table Adrienne insists there's no lawsuit, that Brandi and her low-morals and questionable character are making it all up. Camille defends Adrienne, apparently forgetting that she was once the victim of a cease-and-desist threat. Kyle pretends to be shocked that Brandi would just make something so terrible up. She fans herself with a napkin and says she needs more cookies to get over the shock.
As Taylor sits down, Kyle instantly says Adrienne isn't suing Brandi. Taylor is like but you sent a letter. Then Brandi comes to the table and confirms she got a letter. And Adrienne tries to deny. Except busted lie, busted face!
Caught in the act. Even with the frozen catified zombie stare masquerading as her face unable to move, Adrienne's eyes gave her away. And her flustered denial was combated with Brandi quietly saying "I have the letter."
Strangely Camille is defending Adrienne. Did Adrienne brainwash Camille? Blackmail her? What is Camille do-ing?!
Adrienne then claims twitter proves Brandi is a bad person. For instance Brandi accused her of being behind leaked stories about her in the press on twitter. Brandi initially denies that, but then recants, admitting she did that and says it was actually Bernie who was leaking the lies from Adrienne's camp. "That is not nice! You don't accuse Bernie," Adrienne demands. Adrienne really loves this Bernie – he must make some kinda macaroni and cheese.
It goes back and forth with Adrienne trying in vain to pretend no such lawsuit threat was ever sent and Brandi smirking the whole time. Adrienne has since admitted a cease-and-desist was sent. I expect substantiating paperwork will be appearing at the reunion. Brandi claims she has contacted Adrienne about the stories and she also sent an email apology to Adrienne for the surrogate comment.
Adrienne insists Brandi is maliciously attacking her and did not apologize, even though all the other girls were cc'd on the email. So is Adrienne a completely bold-faced liar or just … insane? Or is Brandi? Wha…
And then Brandi decides to leave. Funnily the whole time she was wearing the robe Lisa gifted them and it reminded me of a boxing robe. Lisa decides this party with these wenches is over and it was another waste of good cake.
"Adrienne you're full of shit," Brandi snaps, waltzing out the door. What she meant: 'Adrienne, you are full of shit. But you're also so full of fillers and toxins that your face is immobile and it must have leaked into your brain and corroded it giving you amnesia. And that face you got out of the deal; it wasn't worth the loss of brain power!'
SO – WHY IS ADRIENNE LYING ABOUT THE LAWSUIT/CEASE-AND-DESIST LETTER? OR IS BRANDI LYING? WILL KYLE AND LISA EVER REBUILD THEIR FRIENDSHIP?
