Real Housewives of Orange County was full all about actors last night. Except the only person who was legitimately doing any acting was Heather Dubrow. And no – she wasn't acting like a biatch this episode. Oh wait… yes she was but not as part of her real life, but as part of a role she was hired to play. But not for Bravo. AAAAHHH! I'm so confused…
Things begin with a blast from the past. Gold digging expert Lauri Peterson is resurrected to give Tamra Barney a little advice on making marriage number three last. Third times a charm, eh! They meet up at a jewelry store and Lauri looks great. All three of her children are doing well and good for her – hopefully life is going smoothly.
Since Lauri and Tamra were never really friends they resort to talking about someone they have in common: Vicki Gunvalson. Tamra fills Lauri in on how post-divorce Vicki is like soooo delusional and dating a loser. Lauri snickers and chooses this time to remind Tamra about how Vicki broke up her marriage to Simon. That's a great thing to be discussing while you're choosing a wedding ring for your third betrothed. #ManEaters
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Tamra goes onto explain that Vicki used to repeat confidential details to Simon, even though Tamra broadcast them on reality television. Reason no. 3,863 why one should never appear on a reality show. Reality is so very far from what happens. Lauri claims Vicki tried to ruin things between her and George because she's miserable and wants everyone else to be too.
Moving on, to like for-realz acting Heather is doing a read-thru for her role on Hot In Cleveland. Everyone is impressed with her on set and she is relishing in the role. Terry has decided to try and help a little more so they're all up at the charming hour of 6am bustling around and hustling 4 kids out the door. One lucky little girl gets to eat a frozen cupcake for breakfast. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous!
Lydia McLaughlin is having some homegrown, burn-out mom problems. I guess that's a switch up from the usual wannabe rich problems. Although Lydia's mom, whose name continues to escape me so I will call her Mommy Highest, has "quit" smoking pot, she still occasionally partakes in the evenings. This news is devastating to Lydia who recounts a childhood of chaos and little stability. Lydia says her first memory of Mommy Highest is of her smoking pot.
Lydia wants Mommy Highest to quit completely and embrace all that the "real world" has to offer. It seems to me these two may never reach a resolution on the matter and Lydia's mom calls her out on being judgmental. Cue some family therapy coming up! I hope whatever happens they can come to a place of peace, love, and happiness.
Also existing in alternate reality known as Delusionaland is Alexis Bellino. There homes are never foreclosed upon. See Alexis did this "extra" part on General Hospital where she was hired to act like a newscaster. Which is entirely amusing considering when she was actually being a newscaster she was a hot mess disaster with cameltoe. Anyway, acting like a newscaster made Alexis realize she wants to be an actress. I thought she was a 'dress designer'?
For her storyline this season Alexis will embark on yet another career endeavor that Jimblob will undoubtedly complain about because two episodes ago she was explaining how she had to stop doing so much so she could be home more to exfoliate Jim's chin and boil eggs, but now she has all this time to be an actress. I guess Alexis has been practicing by 'acting rich' for years now. Not convincing!
We get a snippet of her in class doing an improv scene or something and Alexis can act about as well as she can design dresses. Leave the acting to the real professionals – like Angelina Jolie. Or dare I say it, Heather!
And in a really really far off from reality planet are Slade Smiley and Gretchen Rossi. These two need to check themselves before they wreck themselves in Gretchen's Braaaand. Neeeew. Rolls Royce!
See Slave took his girlfriend to San Diego, made her pose in front of a hotel in an Easter egg outfit and then pretend to be surprised when he presented her with a big ol Rolls Royce. 'Like, Oh. My. Gosh! FOR MEEEEE?!' She squeals hearkening back to some flashbacks of the time Jeff lavished her with the pink Harley that disappeared to pay for Gretchen Christine Sweat Shop Purses she hides in a shed in the backyard to pretend they're selling.
Cruising around in the Rolls it emerges that Slade, being a good little assistant boyslave, traded in Gretychy-Wretchy's Mercedes with the expired lease and swapped it out for the Rolls which is only a couple hundred more a month. Oh, that's it! Gretchen is all breathless with excitement that she just RENTED herself a birthday present. Then they drive to LA because they are supposed to be watching Heather on set.
Heather is filming her part for Hot In Cleveland in front of a live studio audience. Ballsy. The morning of the performance Terry is helping her out with the kids and doing his best to just be quiet, not poke the bear, and make coffee by pushing the fancy amazing coffee machine they have installed in their kitchen. I want one. #jealous
Poor Terry… he literally walks on egg shells. Heather must make him feel like their floor is paved in Chanel and cannot be snagged or damaged for posterity. Anyway, he is meeting her in LA to watch the taping and for a celebration later. All the RHOC ladies will also be joining, sans Alexis Boobs O' The Bible, of course! Terry is so supportive and Heather expresses gratitude for the help he is finally giving. Yay – Terry gets some onion rings!
Lydia, whose dress looks like a Star Trek costume (appropriate, no?), picks up TamrEddie (who is still non-committal about walking down the aisle) and they all cruise up to LA in a pedestrian limo. What, no helicopter?
Vicki meets them there and she is wearing something tan and mummified that must be re-purposed ace bandages from all her surgeries. We know the girl loves a bargain! I still can't adapt to her face, but she is happy for Heather and is going to put all the awkwardness with Tamra aside to support a friend. Tamra too has decided this event is all about Heather. Good job ladies!
Missing from the taping is unsurprisingly are Gretchen and Slade who are bustling around in "their" new Rolls so Bravo can tape some segment in exchange for covering the lease payments for a couple months or something. Speaking of the Rolls, Slave was all incensed on twitter, insisting it was a deal they made with RR to promote the car. Is Rolls that desperate? Sadly, Bravo didn't air that part. Sucks to be them!
Anyway, they show up hours late to Heather's taping and even Tamra is like WTF! She can't believe they are making this all about themselves. Um… really? What show has she been on the last few years? After finally showing up Gretchen and Slade are in and out of their seats the whole time, giggling and panicking over their phones. Then they're like 'whad we miss?!' Those two are some bad bangs.
Speaking of which, Heather did a great job! Was it me or was she basically hired to play Tamra? "I will cut you like bad bangs, bitch!" was one of her lines. Tamra was bouncing in her seat, clapping gleefully about htat was sooo something she would say as she remembered her good ol' days as a pokey small-town hairdresser or something who used to torture people at the Clip N Cry.
After the show everyone goes to dinner to celebrate Heather but Gretchen usurps the table to tell everyone the story of how Slade like bought her a Rolls! Tamra and Vicki's facial expressions were priceless. Being around Gretchen is probably bad for Vicki's new face…
I'm not sure if they were laughing and calling her "stupid" because she was bragging about this on TV in light of Slade's legal problems OR because as Gretchen spun the story around and around it eventually emerged that she had actually leased her own Rolls, but Slade just filled out the paperwork in her name for her. "Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me… " (thank you Kandi Burruss!). In truth, Vicki has no room to talk! #goodwillfurcoatgate
Dear Gretchen: To lease is not to own. Vocab Lessons courtesy of Reality Tea.
Lydia suggests, given all the eye-rolling over Gretchen that is causing a tsunami in the room, that Tamra and Vicki should talk. I mean they need to just bond over hating Gretchen again and get it over with. They have a little chat about the Wines by Wives bitch comment and it seemed to blow over rather quickly like one of those friendship tiffs usually does.
Vicki jokingly calls Tamra a bitch – cause she is one – and Gretchen's little antenna perk up because now she's realizing that in about six seconds she's gonna be iced out again. Bad bangs, bitch, bad bangs.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WERE YOU GLAD TO SEE LAURI AGAIN? GRETCHEN'S RENT-A-ROLLS: AWESOME GIFT OR SO LAME? ARE HEATHER AND TERRY ON THE PATH TO RECOVERY?
