Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey it was another round of tit-for-tat over the most mundane crap imaginable. I mean, maybe it's not mundane if it's your family, but after 2.5 seasons of the storyline that never ends, I think we're all a bit tired of the Gorgadice family feud. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results, I think we can all officially declare the Gorgadices "insane". Right, Dr. Jacqueline Laurita, wino-behavioral specialist!
Things begin – oh who really cares where they begin because this show is like a loop everything ends and begins in the same exact spot so that you never know which episode is which and what exactly happened. Let's start with Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga rehashing birthday party-gate to their respective spouses while their kids all listen nearby.
Melissa is flipping some pancakes and Poison is deciding if they'll liquefy in his intestines so we all have to hear about his explosive diarrhea again, then she tells him something else vomit-inducing; that Teresa and Kim D (Teresa's soldier in the hideous hair extension army) like attacked her at Gia's party. And it was like sooooo terrible, and now she has to go into witness protection, and she did so visit her FIL in the hospital for like hours and hours and hours except she was in the lobby on twitter and reading magazines so he didn't actually see her. Meanwhile Antonia's just hanging out in the background.
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Over at Teresa's she's equally furious that Melissa is like a big-fat liar, liar, stripper thong on fire because her father said Melissa didn't come to the hospital for four days and so she had a right to call Melissa out on her big fat lyingness at Gia's party. Of course Juicy agrees. He calls Melissa some names and that's that!
So anyway, either Teresa is super bad at math or she's a victim of Melissa's lies!
Over at Wallpaper Wakile's she's planning a joint birthday party for Victoria and Richie. Just what every 19-year-old wants to do for her birthday – go out with her parent's friends! Rosie wants to get crunk, hit up the club, tip baaaack the Dom, schmooze the fine ladies, and make it rain pennies or something. Of course Kathy is not on board. Kathy wants to eat cannoli and dispense some unnecessary life advice about forgiveness and moving towards the rainbow of unification one pignoli cookie at a time or something. I wasn't really paying attention.
Also, not really worth paying attention to is the Manzo spawn's latest business venture. Caroline Manzo all but admits that the whole BLK thing didn't really work out and informs us the boys aren't "taking a paycheck" from the company so they've decided to open a restaurant since the restaurant business is notoriously successful and all!
CAROLINE HAS NO STORYLINE THIS SEASON?
So Albie and Crissofart hired a chef, got themselves some business partners, and all they need now is mommy and daddy's approval. And denied! Well, at least where Albert is concerned. His 4-star menu recommendations include serving grilled cheese "circles" because who wants crust. Clearly their signature dish needs to be "thrown ham" they can pelt diners with slices of deli meat and shriek ham game while Caroline shows up to yell and scream and spritz Windex at people. I think it'll be a huge success.
They're also serving Mama Manzo's meatballs so she supervises the chef preparing them and then oversees a taste test. I'd like to ignore meatballs to discuss Caroline's hair. Has she given up on life? Does she own a brush? Is she going to the same salon as Vicki Gunvalson? Really – it's called volumizer; use it cause you're on TELEVISION!
Also expanding their business ventures is Melissa. Apparently that whole J.Faux act isn't really working out so now Melissa is a marriage expert who is pedaling a "bible for marriage" Thank you Jesus, backwards sign of the cross, let's spray some poison on you in the name of love. Melissa describing Poison's antics as a "bible" of any kind is sacrilegious.
Melissa makes some snarky remarks about how she is writing like a real-real book, not some stupid cookbook like Teresa. Except Melissa has a co-writer, so that would imply she's doing very little actual writing, right Meliss! Anyway, she apparently thinks her marital how-to guide is like waaay, waaay better than Teresa's Skinny Italian crap because she's gonna show you how to keep a man and keep him happy. If that man is Poison, I am officially uninterested.
Melissa knows these things because she has seen an unhappy marriage. Growing up her father was a good provider who loved and adored her (just like her own husband!) but was a cheater who disappeared for days at a time to carry out affairs. Meeting with her agent and the publishers, Melissa goes back and forth about whether or not to include this information in her book. Everyone thinks she should to give the book some substance since no one wants to read about how many times Joe injects poison into anything or how Melissa sings him love ballads.
Did anyone else notice the facial expressions of Melissa's agent? Priceless! Her face said 'This is so ridiculous! Seriously? Is it lunch time yet?' LOL!
Later Melissa is "writing" while her kids call her poopyhead in the kitchen. Except she's not writing – which she seems to be not doing a lot of according to her publisher! – she's looking a photos and deciding about what to say concerning her dad's infidelity. Is this a picture book? It would make sense since I'm still not convinced Poison can read.
Melissa sniffles and dabs her false eyelashes about how Joe grew up in the perfect family while she did not and she tells us about her father's death and how hard it was on her mom. It was really sad. I'm sorry she had to go through that.
Over at Jacqueline's she's dealing with her massive butt anxiety and her crippling fear of stretch lycra by having her trainer meet her at the home gym wearing something from the Stevie Nicks Workout Collection. Was that a schmatta? Were the arm holes for breathability? Or to smuggle wine bottles in? Is this same trainer that was guzzling wine in the bathroom last season? Yes, Jolene, we completely understand.
Jacqueline spends the entire session twatting instead of squatting because she was yammering on and on and on about Teresa! The only thing she worked out was her mouth!
Jacqueline is offended that Teresa thinks she is stalking her at the gym. "I am not stalking Teresa at the gym… just on twitter," Jacqueline says indignantly. Jolene is wondering where the keys to the Laurita wine cellar are but those a guarded very, very closely by Jacques. The real reason she can't work out is that the keys may fall out of a secret place!
Dr. Jacqueline tells us the interwebs like taught her that Teresa is a sociopath. Google it! I mean Teresa, like, can't take accountability for anything and like is unable to show emotion cause of her "botox face." So naturally that makes her Charles Manson! Duh. This is like the pot calling the kettle black. Or like the wine calling the fabellini drunk. You're both freaking nuts! Jolene ran all the way home and shed her caftan on the way!
I think Jacqueline confused exercise with therapy. She must have mixed them up in her iPhone calendar during a drunken and twitterfied stupor.
Also, confusing definitions is Mrs. Juicy Senior. Teresa takes her MIL to get pedicures and naturally they discuss Teresa's horrific SIL, Melissa. Teresa seeks advice about handing the hospital lie and Mrs. Juicy advises her to just keep the kids out of it. Too late – for both families! The kids know way, way too much since none of their parents have never heard of a little expression that goes: "Little pitchers have big ears."
Teresa also tells Mrs. Juicy that Melissa is writing a book on keeping a sexy marriage. Mrs. Juicy almost vomits into her pedicure water and deduces that Melissa's tricks all stem from looking like she turns tricks. Apparently everyone is Italy would think Ms. Boobs-a-Gorga was a working girl.
Aha! Maybe Teresa's MIL is really behind strippergate! Perhaps she is the one who started the rumors that Melissa was Mrs. Lookers 1999 and shaking what her boyfriend bought her on a pole. After all she thinks Melissa dresses like a prostitute! Is Mrs. Juicy collaborating with Kim D? Is she behind the Posche set up? Oooohhh! is this like a RHONJ Whuddunit. Mrs. Juicy, in the salon, with the iPhone!
For Victoria and Richie's joint birthday party Wallpaper has rented a party bus. In case people want to get drunk. So Victoria is celebrating her 19th on a party bus with her parents and their friends… and she's the mature one! Melissa obviously misread the dress code again because she is wearing a super tight, low-cut cocktail dress while everyone else actually looks like they can breathe, move, and not split their dress open. Secrets to keeping a sexy marriage, eh!
Immediately Melissa brings up Teresa and the incident at Gia's birthday. A collective "not this again…" permeates the air. "I was attacked!" Melissa sniffs loudly, wiping away a mascara-y tear. Caroline has clearly had it and decides she better take one for the team by pointing out the obvious: they're ALL to blame for this feud! "Teresa keeps saying I don't know the 'real Melissa'… maybe I don't!"
Informing Melissa that she is no taken-advantage-of-innocent in the situation, Caroline says they all perpetuate the nonsense. Melissa scoffs – this is soooo not what she wants to hear! She is Little Miss Perfect, in fact that's her next single. Teresa is the terrible one. Melissa has been hand-crafting this victim act for years and she is not about to let Caroline blow her cover! You can see Caroline physically and mentally backing away as Melissa keeps insisting she is not to blame.
Caroline tells Melissa and Kathy that Teresa is not ready to have a relationship with either of them and at this point she doesn't think they should keep pushing. "But we're her family," Melissa whines. Kathy reveals to Richie that Teresa like still hates her even though she like apologized and stuff and she is so over like trying to teach her how to be a sister!
Then Rosie comes over, hears that Teresa doesn't want to be her beefus and freaks the eff out. I mean really went on a true screaming rampage. I was scared through my TV. Girl needed a tranquilizer gun from the zoo but instead she got Wild Thing Laurita going in for the kill to siphon the bottle away from her and tie her down until the rages passed. "I've been here before," Jacqueline assured the scared bystanders."Just keep her away from twitter and hand her that Teresa punching bag that's in my purse. Oh – and I need another drink!"
So Rosie should not be taken out in public cause she's not fit for human inhabitation – especially while she's whiskey drunk. Poor Victoria has to remind the adults to stop ruining her party with their drama. Where have we seen this before… oh yeah – last week! These kids are ALL way too wrapped up in their family's dysfunction. "This family is just such. a. mess," Caroline says.
Oh but the mess just got more and more Hoaders by the moment! Teresa is working out in full drag queen makeup at the gym and who should show up but Poison, who is lifting weights to lift the negative energy away from him. Oh I love a good coincidence, don't you!
Teresa goes over to talk to him and within 5 seconds it's escalated into an argument with Poison telling Teresa he has to work out because she's made him cry every night by ruining his family. And boom! That went from semi-normal to completely Jerry Springer in a hot minute. It was an uglier mess than Teresa's neon lightening mock-turtleneck. Note: do not let Jolene pick out your exercise clothes, Tre!
Teresa immediately blames Melissa for the problems, claiming their father said Melissa didn't come to see him. "You're obsessed with my wife!" Joe rebutts. 'No, no – she's like invisibility cloak. I like don't see her; she's wutah,' Teresa snaps. "There's things that you don't know about!" Teresa says. Like the other day Melissa tweeted about rented Chanel and called out Teresa's bankruptcy. It is true – she did.
*** Backstory Time! A few months ago we published photos from Gia's party which featured the Teresa/Melissa/Kim D altercation. We jokingly mentioned that Melissa's Chanel purse was "rented". Melissa freaked out on twitter claiming Reality Tea is biased. Like no way! When viewers called her out on the rental bag, this is what she responded:
Did Melissa mean Jacqueline or Teresa?
Teresa insists Poison pretends he doesn't see all the negativity and acts like he's not on Twitter. Except when he's instagraming roid photos or videos of his toddler son mimicking lewd sexual hand gestures! "I'm not p*$$ywhipped!," Joe insists. He's just in looooove with his wife. I guess that's nice.
It goes back and forth. Teresa really did seem hurt and emotional in a way I haven't seen her. Clearly, Poison is her Achilles Heel. She looked on the verge of tears the entire argument.
Joe calls Teresa out on insulting Melissa's singing. "You cook?" he demands leaving Teresa speechless. "That was really uncalled for!" Joe says his intent is to make Teresa understand what it feels like to get it handed back to you.
Then Poison brings up all the mean names Teresa has called Melissa by association. "I never said any of that stuff," Teresa insists. To which Joe, bless his poison-roided heart, reminds Teresa that her husband, her friends, her TreHugger army they all call Melissa a stripper, a pig, and everything else under the sun.
Speaking of which Poison brings up Teresa's own unfortunate spouse."I'm a man. I respect my wife. I don't call my wife a c-u-next-tuesay," Poison reminds Teresa.
"She shouldn't have married Joe Giudice," Poison says. And clearly Juicy is when all the nonsense began. Both these siblings really have an unhealthy obsession with each other's spouses. My head is spinning.
Here's the thing, Poison made a lot of good points Teresa needed to hear. Her behavior IS out of line a lot of the time, but so is his. So is Melissa's! When Poison calls Juicy "It", Teresa looses it and really has no answer for how Juicy treats his wife and children.
And Table Flippin' Teresa returns! WOO HOO! She flings wutah on Poison's shirt and stomps out like an electro-ray of crazy. "Leave MY JUICY ALONE!" she shrieks; clip in weave pieces spinning and false eyelashes flying off. Sequins were trembling.
Teresa knocks over a trash can and screams "Go scratch!" Then Poison goes back to roiding out on the weight machine screaming "Obsession!" They bellow like overly tanned banshees across the gym. They are both so ridiculous. "When the going gets tough, Teresa gets going," Joe summarizes.
And here we are again. Right back where we started – with "garbage."
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SCARIER GORGA: ROSIE, TERESA, OR POISON? JOE VS TERESA ROUND A ZILLION – WHO WON?
