I don't know what else to say about last night's Real Housewives of New Jersey except YAAAAAWN! I am so over this "reconciliation" storyline (and apparently I'm not the only one if ratings are any indication!). Let's move on and stir up a fresh new pot of drama!
So everyone is pretending they like each other to head out to Arizona and celebrate Melissa Gorga's birthday at some spa retreat. Melissa isn't feeling too good – I think what Melissa is coming down with is a bad feeling of impending drama…
Before everyone packs up their sequin-sucking chuckalina bathing suits, Teresa Giudice is doing a cooking demo at the mall for the 85 & Older Club. I mean seriously, yeah spinach will probably save your life but you likely have to start eating it before you're eligible for AARP.
Kathy Wakile shows up to support whatever it is Teresa is doing with olive oil, bread, and loud rambling. I remain focused on her hair. It's literally a hair helmet (hairmet?) at this point, all plasticy and just perched there. I'm perplexed. So is Wallpaper; she's confused about how all of the sudden Teresa is absolved of her sins? Kathy tells her, 'It's not like a sponge, Tre, you can't just wipe it over the mess with some kitchen cleaner and have it be gone. This is like a big mess – like you need a hazmat team, but hey – let's go heal on another Vacations By Bravo. Free shit is free shit, right?!' Cannoli and Wine for the Jersey Woman's Soul by Kathy!
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So then everyone packs and worries and kvetches and MILANIA (all caps necessary!) appears to be the voice of reason. Like Teresa the last time your bathing suit was in style you were also the age of all the other MTV spring breakers and NOW YOU'RE 40! Teresa doesn't listen. The hair helmet muffles all the sounds, like really really furry earmuffs.
Poor Gia throws up in a discreet corner of Teresa's suitcase at the thought of her mom in string bikinis, fires off an email to her lawyer about emancipation, and re-checks her calendar for the '18-And-Free' countdown!
And to Arizona they go! Poor Arizona. Of course there is some requisite travel drama concerning Caroline Manzo and Co. cause like they have no storyline and Bravo has to give them something to do so Caroline can sit there and impart her 'This is life…' wisdom of the ages like it's changing lives or something. 'Sometimes it takes a while to get where yins are gowin', and your suitcase gets lost along the way, and your sister-in-law lays down on the floor of the airport to throw a tantrum cause we only let her have one booze coupon on the plane, but this is life FAMBLY! FAMBLY! I know you… FAMBLY! This is life…' So no lives were changed in the making of this episode of RHONJ!
Oh wait – I'm wrong! Lives were actually changed. Jacqueline's was changed by hot nuts. Richie's was changed by the aromatic farts. Kathy's was changed because she finally got some camera time!
At the spa everyone is ordered to be quiet and focus on meditation and peace. Unfortunately everyone was more focused on finding the open bar. Melissa's throat is scratchy and needs a lounger or a longenzer or Lorezo Lamas. That thing that helps throats and not what Poison is offering up. Teresa suggests Fabellini…
Drinks are procured, rooms are arranged, Richie pouts cause his room isn't fancy enough, hot tubs are soaked in (and then thoroughly disinfected!) and Melissa is sick – and has camel toe (according to Richie – why is he looking at her crotch?!). Happy Birthday, I got you some germs and a vacation with people you hate, but hell – at least you're on TV and you can promote the hell out of those fringed bathing suits with high-cut legs that you like!
Is there something about RHONJ that they purchased all their swim attire in 1992. Is this like the Soviet Bloc where they got all their fashion as leftover liquidations and it's was a decade (or 2!) out of style?
Despite her tummy tuck Jacqueline Laurita is not wearing a bathing suit. Everyone gets attacked by a bat. Bats really like hair so it quickly abandoned Caroline and Melissa to go hit up Teresa's suite.
Then a medium shows up, OK: "energy healer.". Apparently this woman can speak to the dead. She's like Dr. V with psychic abilities (and bad clothes!). This woman needs to find a new job cause her "psychic powers" came from a pre-show chat with the RHONJ producers!
"I hear voices from another dimension – from people who are dead but not dead," Tina Powers informs them. So basically this woman is in contact with everyone from Melissa's past too? While it is over, it sure ain't dead! This is some birthday Madame Gorga is having. Next Kim D will pop out of a cake and Penny will show up to style Melissa's hair based on a photo from her Lookers days!
Then Tina Powers exonerates Teresa from wrongdoing, but not before telling Juicy his grandma is dead. Um… she made him ravioli last week! So Marion is not dead, the J names are all in front of Tina and no one is believing her "readings" – namely Melissa whom seems to think it was SHE who hired this medium to blame Teresa for all the Posche/Stripper/Cheating crap, not get her off the hook! Teresa is levitating with glee. Melissa is choking on a lonzenger.
Tina is rambling about docks and lakes and other things Melissa would like to push Teresa off or into. Then she starts talking about Richie and Kathy's dads. Well abstractly – she talks about people dying of heart failure or heart attacks. Like no one knows anyone who died of a pastrami clogged artery.
You know what though, I'll put my cynicism aside because clearly the Wallpapers were moved. And for once the cameras weren't focused on Teresa and Melissa. Thank you, Jesus! Love was had but not expressed and both Richie and Kathy have unfinished business with their fathers. They were moved. Tears were cried. We find out Richie has never watched his wedding video, which features his father.
Kathy truly believes her spirit father spoke to her about love. Something happened, because Richie made an ugly cry face that rivaled only Farrah's! Kathy talks the matter over with Teresa and Rosie, who are both also on Team Energy Healer Spoke To The Dead. Teresa pretend-listens to Kathy and wonders why the healer couldn't channel her dead bank account to ask where the money went, but it's a nice talk. Arizona happened and it's working. Now where's the wine?!
The next day Tina is back because Melissa is dying and the medium must pull her back to the living world. Oh thank God – a vision of a sequined bikini (and drugs) led her through. Melissa gags on some medication, and whines about how she didn't even put on makeup. Oh you mean Melissa's face always looked like an airbrushed, plastic coated version of skin – with bronzer and mascara?! Girl has mad skills in the permanent makeup department!
Poison feels aroused at the thought of Melissa opening her mouth around a water bottle and offers to heal her with Tarzan. I threw up – really I did. "I'll catch all her diseases," he leers. I hope he knows what he's getting himself into… 1-800-Call-Penny! Then everyone embarks upon a hike through the dessert for more healing.
Melissa stays behind to sunbathe and fringe wear in peace. Hell, I would. Teresa is psyched to go hiking cause she likes "outdoorsy". Ok, then!
Another healer sits them down around a gong, withholds booze, and forces them to write nice things about each other. People of RHONJ: You have now entered hell! GONG!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone has to stand up and announce one thing they're letting go of. Caroline is letting go of nothing – she's perfect, but Al has some things to work on. Jacqueline is letting go of booze. OH juuuust kidding! She's leaving Twitter! NOT! And Teresa makes everyone hold hands cause she's letting go of blaming them for all the things she did wrong. Ok – actually Teresa basically stood up and took responsibility. SHOCKING! She expressed real emotion and said she wanted to continue being in a good place with everyone. It was nice. Poison was sad Melissa missed the moment which is probably why they're still fighting but pretending to be a big, ol' happy family.
I noticed no one let go of being a narcissistic bitch!
After the ceremony, Teresa and Jacqueline go off into the woods for a chat. If you were expecting American Gladiator style challenges, you were disappointed. If you were expecting a Beaches moment, you win!
In between tears and longings for waterproof mascara, Teresa says she's realized being a good person matters because if you're not that karma can come back onto your kids. While I was busy being impressed that Teresa knew what "karma" is, Jacqueline believed Teresa was making the mother of all low-blow accusations!
I think Teresa was talking entirely about her own experiences – and maybe even thinking about how all her messes with the law and with family will negatively affect her girls, but Jacqueline assumed Teresa was suggesting Nicholas' autism was caused by her own negative behavior.
I think that's projecting, mother guilt, and Jacqueline being a victim of heat stroke, but the good moment is undone by her focusing on this one comment. Look – I truly don't think Teresa was implying that, but sometimes Teresa can surprise you. Like when she came out with a hair care line – that surprised me! Or when she got INDICTED; that surprised me. Please don't let this become "Karma-Gate"!
So that's it. Next week Jacqueline continues to dwell and Juicy gets confused about the definition of the word "criminal".
HOTNESSSSSS personified!
Side Note: At the airport, was Juicy wearing a Juicy Couture Tracksuit that he bought at Paris Hilton's garage sale? Yes, yes he was. And I'm sure it said "Juicy" on the butt and he was rocking it without irony. Nothing says Jr. Mafia like a velour tracksuit. You go be bad Juicy, you go ahead and snap some fingers and break some kneecaps…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS THE RHONJ CAST HEALED? WAS TERESA REFERRING TO NICHOLAS WITH THE "KARMA COMMENT"?
