Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatch Stassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.
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Kristen Doute is going so she can eviscerate her Tom 1 on vacation for an added change. Poor Katie Maloney is just so tired of her bad dye job mediating all their constant fights. She wishes Kristen and Tom would just breakup so she could have some peace. But secretly she relishes in the drama because it gives her some importance – relevance – besides being Anonymous Stassi Schreoder Friend No 1 in the credits.
There's another reason the group is taking their dysfunction on the road: Tom 1's band is opening for some 80's has-been act that he promises we've never heard of but once we hear their one hit wonder we'll know exactly who they are. Signs reality TV is not working for your career. I mean Melissa Gorga and Kim Zolciak get better gigs than that and they need autotune to sing The Wheels On The Bus…
Anyway Kristen and Tom are bickering. I do not like you in a car. I do not like you in a bar. I do not like Tom Number 1. I do not like him when he's having fun. I do not like him when he's playing guitar. I do not like him on a beach. I do not like him over brunch. I simply do not like that Tom Number 1. AH! But wait… I do like him on a stage. With a guitar. And some eyeliner. Say – I do like that Tom Number 1. I do! I do! Until next week when he cheats with random bar slut number 2. More on those two fools later.
Back at SUR, Lisa Vanderpump has Scheana Marie Famewhore problems. Stassi has employed her new BFF (Anonymous Stassi Schreoder Friend No 2) to tell Lisa that it's a problem a day with Miss Scheana wanting all this sympathy as she plays the victim act. Perhaps she's looking for a career in Lifetime Movie acting?
After Peter Madrigal also confronts Lisa about the fact that no one likes Scheana, she decides something must be done. Scheana's latest injury, aka excuse for missing work, is a contact accident. Yeppers – she scratched her eyeball and is now forced to wait tables in Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. She calls them nerd goggles. 1985 is dead and you weren't even born when it was alive. Ugly also works. Lisa tells her to put her big girl panties on and stop giving the mean girls fuel to their fire.
Let's talk about Peter for a minute; I love Peter. He drinks rose with an open shirt and still has swagger. Peter doesn't cry. Oh no – Peter is hot, sexy, and tearless. Peter is my homeboy and the saving grace of this emasculated metrosexual show. No judgment Toms…
Back in ARROWHEAD LAKE Jax does a shot with Stassi's mom, grovels at her Clairol Red Sunset weave, and begs her to let Stassi love him. Then Stassi's little brother puts him through an initiation ritual over a game of Super Mario Cart. Essentially even her 10-year-old brother knows you never cheat on a Schroeder girl or she'll cut your peen off and toss in the fishbowl or some equally macabre Stassi comment.
After that Stassi and Stassi Sr. take everyone out for drinks because drinking is the Schroder family extracurricular. That and destroying lives. At the bar Kristen screams at Tom about glasses. Jax, in the most ironic thing I have EVER EVER EVER seen on TV, lectures him about growing a pair of balls not letting his girlfriend belittle him. Can Jax and Tom 1 just pull a Thelma & Louise already? Run off and eventually drive off a cliff to escape their horrific women?!
Later Kristen shrieks at Tom 1 for kissing her goodnight. Then he plays Taylor Swift's Tears On My Guitar in the closet until Jax rocks him to sleep. Stassi finds all the torture and abuse perfectly acceptable, but she and Katie think Kristen should dump Tom.
The next day Tom 2 and Peter (sigh!) show up. Tom 1 bursts into tears over brunch 'cause Kristen yelled at him. Stassi was desperate to burst out laughing but no one would catch her eye for fear the evil would transfer and they would be blinded by her ray of coldheartedness. Is that what happened to Scheana?! True Fact: I would have laughed too. Brunch is no place for crying! Brunch is for eggs and mimosas and bitching.
Then Tom 1 experiences the crowning moment of his life: playing on a stage for 15 people (10 of them his friends) while wearing makeup and women's hair gel as the opening act for a has-been no one has heard of. I need to get out a trusty copy of VH1's Pop-Up Video.
As Tom 1 is on stage Kristen realizes she forgives him because seeing her man up there rocking out in her jeans melts her stone-cold twat heart a bit, so she shows him her love with some embarrassing dance moves. And now everything is fine. Then they cry together. I think I barfed.
Back at Casa de Stassi, Jax manages to re-woo Stassi. #winning.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD KRISTEN AND TOM GET BACK TOGETHER? SHOULD STASSI HAVE TAKEN JAX BACK? MORE PATHETIC: TOM 1 OR JAX?
