It makes me feel warm inside that despite all the cast changes, Real Housewives Of New Jersey hasn’t given up the sleaze factor. I’m not sure if they reached a new low last night or not, but whatever – it keeps us on our toes right?!
The big drama is that Victoria Gotti, mentoress in all things badly-behaving criminal husband to our beloved Teresa Giudice, showed up and oh boy did she have some secrets stashed under that Barbie weave. (Kim D collection, y’all! Actually Kim gets her weaves from the VG Collection – real hair, scalped by the finest Italian mobsters in all the land!)
It turns out that Victoria has known Rino, husband of one Teressssssssssssa Aprea for quite some time. It turns out Rino used to have a thing for Victoria. It turns out Rino has a thing for older ladies of a certain Mrs. Robinson persuasion. More on that later…
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First, unfortunately, Melissa Gorga‘s aunt has passed away. Despite the fact that they hated each other last week, Amber Marchese comes over bearing chicken soup and condolences. Well, it’s nice to come together when things really matter. Melissa’s aunt Louella was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and passed quickly, and of course, Amber knows a thing or two about The Cancer. Something neither of these ladies know anything about, however, is blush application. You do not need to scribble on your cheeks with a marker girls!
Since tragedy brings people closer together, Teresa and Melissa spend a Friday night together bonding on a romantic date. They cuddle in front of the fireplace, they drink Fabellini, they canoodle on the sofa, they watch The Godfather (Teresa is doing research on prison, y’all!) and they do it all in front of what is possibly the ugliest living room decor I have ever seen. And that includes the many, many, many years I have slavishly watched 80’s and early 90’s sitcoms. While she is in prison I must insist on an Ambush Home Makeover.
In other Teresa news, she and Juicy convene to discuss their businesses. Basically Teresa admits, surprisingly, that her businesses are suffering in the wake of her indictment and she is determined to work harder than ever because they need the money big time. Girl – get writing on that tell-all! Joe pretends he’s involved in their affairs by sitting in his office surrounded by piles of papers, telling Teresa she’s the brand and he’s the brawn. As soon as Teresa wandered away to get Kathy’s dictionary to look up “Brawn” Joe went back to reading Archie comics.
It’s Valentine’s Day in RHONJ land – and it’s all love, love, love! Melissa and Joe go out for a romantic dinner because he’s sooooo busy running all their million-d0llar companies they barely have time for each other. Except when the cameras are rolling? Melissa surprises him with a sexy photo book of herself. Melissa gushes that Joe is an a$$-man but also a foot man, which is why she is wearing tights and shoes that obscure her feet in nearly every photo. Melissa – nice try, but Maxim is not going to call.
In return Poison gives Melissa a puppy. She names him Valentino, or things she can’t afford.
Nicole Napolitano is uncertain of her future with Bobby. She keeps trying to tell us she’s happy with where they are and in no rush, but every scene is her talking about whether or not he loves her and is ready to marry her. He sends her photo in his fireman uniform and she retaliates by going overboard with an impromptu sexy “selfie”shoot where she crams into a skintight red dress and lounges “casually” at the fireplace. Who does Nicole think she is – Kim Kardashian?
Nicole’s mom and her sister Teressssa also worry about the long-term potential with Bobby. Over a family Valentine’s dinner, after facing heat from Nicole’s mother, BIL, sister, and father, Bobby finally croaks out that Nicole once told him she had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding a prince but now she can stop looking cause her prince is here! Has this woman never watched SATC, esteemed Bible of our time? Never, ever rush a man into commitment – it always backfires in the end! Seriously get Charlotte York Goldenblatt over here immediately to intervene.
Speaking of intervention, Dina Manzo meets with the Divorce Whisperer (subject of some new Bravo show) to discuss where things are going with Tommy. Basically she doesn’t want to move out because then she’ll have to pay her own mortgage instead of buying shoes with her money. Does zen pay the bills? Guess not!
Dina spends Valentine’s day with her head in an Easy-Bake oven. She’s so depressed that she’s turned to wearing frumpy PJS, calling her 20-year-old assistant to complain about being single, alone, and without Tommy, and scarfing down cheap chocolates some boy gave Lexi. Then she shoves her head in some laser that is supposed to make her look younger. Look Dina – we know you love dogs, but time to get over Tommy and move on! He moved on when he started passing out party favors to his 25-year-old mistresses!
And back to Teresa, Teresssssa, Rino, and the all-wise and knowing Victoria. I really wish she could just start narrating RHONJ. Teresa has a Fabellini bottle signing and just when she is worried no one will show up, in walk Amber, quickly followed by Victoria. Victoria invites the ladies to come over for wine and gossip after the event, then she struts out in a blaze of fur. “That woman… she’s my idol,” gasps Teresa.
Amber is nervous, Jim doesn’t want her hanging out with the Juicys and now she’s spending her evening at a notorious mobster’s house. Her husband is a lawyer, after all! Amber further Fs up by wearing sandals – even though it’s snowing and February. Fail at life!
Victoria is in possession of the oldest surviving microwave (is it where she disposes of her victim’s heads?) and she is also in possession of some of the best RHONJ gossip ever to see the light.
“SO – you know Teresssssa and Rino,” Victoria begins. “I know ’em better. I know ’em longer.” Teresa and Amber lean in. They clutch each other under the table. Teresa’s fur straightjacket trembles. “I know Rino from when divorced Teresssssa,” Victoria continues. Rino got around quite a bit during those days – Teressssssa tells us he got with everything that had lady persuasion, but they loved each other and got remarried.
First it emerges that Rino tried to seduce Victoria. She got sick and landed in the ICU. He showed up bearing a diamond Rolex. The henchmen were not on point and let him in. Victoria turned down the Rolex. She also turned down Rino. And someone on her security got turned down for an appeal for life. Victoria does not play with clumsy suitors.
Still, she and Rino remained friends. Which is how it came that he told her the most scandalous, salacious, frankly amazing bit of gossip I have ever heard on RHONJ – and that includes the Melissa stripper lore. Victoria shares that the reason Teresssssssa and Rino divorced is that he slept with her mother Santa! SLEPT WITH WITH HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW!!
Afraid, Amber flees before Jim enables the GPS tracking device in her purse. But Teresa stays on to talk prison, keeping your family together, and maintaining your appearance despite the odds. Despite dropping such a bombshell, Victoria is cool as s cucumber and tells Teresa to keep her chin up and persevere. Nothing breaks a true gangster.
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – DO YOU THINK RINO DID IT? DOES VICTORIA NEED TO BE A PERMANENT ADDITION TO RHONJ
