Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Season 5 Premiere Recap: Ghosts Of Seasons Past

Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy! 

Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it. 

Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.

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I had decided that this season I was going to be more positive about Kyle Richards, but about 2 seconds in Splits McHairflips put on a caftan that said, “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE – OMIGAWD – LOVE ME! IF I MAKE UP WITH LISA WILL YOU BE MY FANS AGAIN?!” Just like that I was over her! Like a glass of wine that was so delicious last night, but when you see the remnants of it the next morning it just turns your stomach. Unless you’re Brandi, I presume. 

Once again Kyle’s storyline will be Lisa, and trying to get their friendship back on track, after she ravaged it with her desperate clawing need to be popular. Now listen: Lisa is self-righteous and she insists on everyone playing into her act, but she doesn’t routinely throw her friends to the wolves but then expect them to pretend it never happened. 

Kyle is having her annual White Party <eye roll. HARD eye roll. 75-year-old eye roll>. According to her everyone in Beverly Hills is desperate to attend, except for the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Lisa hasn’t RSVP’d and although Kyle is so, like, NOT OVER tabloids (which Lisa wrote herself and then sold them from a little stand in Yolanda Foster‘s backyard. Shhhh… don’t tell about Lisa’ side-hustle!), she invites Lisa to get a glass of wine and talk. 

Lisa has trepidations. She gets ready while Ken, the local Villa Rosa dog walker, stands nearby to make sure she doesn’t smuggle a hairspray bomb in her $32,000 purse. After last season Lisa feels all the women need to personally reach out and apologize. YES Lisa – you just sit there on your throne and wait for these bitches to grovel and beg. Then make them go walk your dogs. 

Kyle, on the other hand, feels that after Lisa SOLD HER MARRIAGE OUT TO THE TABLOIDS TO PAY HER BILLS (I am making this rumor bigger and bigger – you know, kinda like Kyle does!), she is the one who is owed a phone call. But it never happened.

Even if Lisa did call, Kyle would have a tale as long as her hair about how she is forgiving Lisa to work on their friendship and being the bigger person by letting things go, like accepting that Lisa won’t apologize even though she SHOULD, but how their friendship is so important so it’s time to just move on, but her feelings are still SO hurt and it’s really hard to just constantly give to someone who won’t reciprocate. But you know, since she’s really sincere about forgiving and moving-on she’s not gonna mention any of this to Lisa. Which is pretty much what happened at lunch. 

Kyle showed up, she was nervous, she pretended she was FINE! and lets move ON! and Friends! Cause Love ME Lisa!, then she made a few ploppy jabs that Lisa didn’t acknowledge, and two sips into the wine Kyle was shoving her feelings deep inside like a Fat Burger she sneak-eats at 3 am when she’s party planning with Glenn, but she’s trying – and that’s what counts, right? 

The effectiveness of this groveling was that Lisa agrees to come to THE White Party, although Ken is only going for the free Fat Burger.

On the other side of very bitchy hills, YoFridgidaire is icily explaining how she realized her friendship with Lisa has limits – unlike GiGi’s career or David’s amazing  reserves for elevator music – so it’s time to move on. YoFridgie says this clipped and brightly, then she and Brandi – still BFF – leap into a musical performance to the tune of Elevadid’s piano. YoDa are still happy, but they’re moving. GiGi is supermodel of the world, and Bella, exists… 

Taking a walk with Brandi, Yolanda realizes someone has set up a swap meet on her property, which is so huge she never noticed. She quickly texts David to include “Thriving On-Site Textile Business” to their MLS listing. Is Mauricio selling their place?

Brandi tells Yolanda she wants Lisa to accept that she’s a horrible person who does very bad things so they can move on. Oh and Brandi has been living out of storage units and extended stay hotels. Huh? Why she doesn’t just park an RV on Yo’s property – she’d never notice! 

And finally, it’s Lisa Rinna time. Lipsa is married to Harry, who will forever be known as Aaron Echols to me. I hope y’all watch Veronica Mars – otherwise you’re dead to me. Harry and Lisa have the type of marriage where he is the king and leader, and sometimes Lipsa lashes out and by cooking with butter or talking back. Basically, she’s Alexis Bellino except with lips instead of boobs, talent instead of delusion, and money instead of foreclosure. Also, Harry is hot and Jim… is chinplanted. They have two daughters, plus Harry brings home a pet rattlesnake to add to the menagerie. 

Kyle calls Lisa to harass her about RSVPing to THE White Party, but Lisa and Harry have the Mad Men wrap party to attend that night, which you know is a real event people want to attend. I don’t know why Lipsa doesn’t just drag Jon Hamm along to THE White Party – it’s where everyone who is anyone wants to be… in Kyle’s mind. 

On the eve of THE White Party, a defiant Lisa clips in pink hair strands from her My Little Pony Lisa Frank-Vanderpump Collection (in stores now!), clips a leash on Ken, and trots off. Ken is unenthused and therefore had to be dragged. Kyle acts like Lisa showing up is the equivalent to John Hamm showing up – and bragging to Oprah that it’s the best party of the year. But they’re cute together and I like them as friends if only because it makes Kyle crazy that she can never out-shine Lisa, which Lisa also knows.

Lisa explains the pink hair is an homage to her favorite color – and also her pussy! Kyle gasps. Behind her a girl in a sequined thong bikini dances on a stage. I see Kyle took her inspiration from Carlton’s Hustler party… I call this “Irony.”

The most exciting attendees are fired former HW Camille, Taylor, and Adrienne; Adrienne looking more catifiied and undead than ever. She must have been the inspiration behind BOTCHED! I am surprised to see Adrienne wearing white, you know, with her condition… orangina stainus. Shhh… it’s not her fault she secretes agent orange. 

The formers gush over how excited they are to see the epeople they once hated, even Lisa and Adrienne buddy-up for the express purpose of icing Brandi out. It’s the ghosts of RHOBH past and Brandi is confronted in the “flesh” with all her bad deeds. She complains about the ladies being “75 years old and still rolling their eyes and acting like mean girls.” 

Brandi is annoyed that Lisa is ignoring her. Brandi, lemme ‘splain sommethin: you reap what you sow. When you sow bitch, you reap bitchiness back!

The one person who would be happy to see Brandi, besides YoFridgidaire whose brain has been cryogenically frozen, is Kim Richards. Who is missing! Just as we’re all assuming Kingsley ate her invitation… or her white dress… or her IN her white dress?! Rambles arrives, wearing a… a swimsuit coverup. Yep, Kingsley ate her dress, so she stopped at Target and grabbed a schmatta. Or who knows – she could have gotten it at Kaftans By Kylene Too Terrible. 

Everyone was having a great time, Lipsa showed up briefly and gushed about how much she loves Lisa, who in turn gushed about how much she loves Lisa and Harry. YoDa was cute, Taylor only spoke briefly. Camille perniciously gave Kyle a thinly-veiled insult book about turning 5o. And Brandi sulked in the corner making snippy comments, until she finally scuttled up to Adrienne to ask if they could talk. 

Brandi wants to talk about the whole lawsuit that wasn’t a lawsuit lie over Brandi revealing Adrienne’s surrogacy secret. Adrienne’s frozen faced omits a sound telling Brandi THE White Party isn’t the place. So Brandi, trying to intern some Yolanda-ness (badly) stutters through asking Adrienne out for coffee, and Adrienne accepts. There is only one thing a Housewife wants more than attention, and that is “closure!”  

TELL US – SHOULD LISA FORGIVE BRANDI? SHOULD ADRIENNE FORGIVE BRANDI? WHICH FORMER HW WERE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]