Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachers Ariana’s bar).
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Katie Maloney is at Stassi’s when Tom 2 shows up with supermarket flowers, wearing a sheepish smile, and a purple tank top. Real men wear tube tops! Stassi immediately starts ripping him a new one over ripping Katie’s heart out, stomping on it with a knock-off Manolo, and then forgiving Jax Taylor for breathing the same air that non-sociopaths do.
Tom 2 is like I just came for the white wine and to break my diet – don’t stab me with your bitch fork. Stassi demands he get out, so he scampers away. Stassi totally wears the pants in his and Katie’s relationship! Stassi throws the flowers in the trash. Later that night once Stassi is passed out drunk in cat pajamas, clutching a Ken doll and calling him “Patrick“, Katie picks the flowers out of the trash and runs home to Tom 2. He loves her… in her mind.
Tom 2 takes Katie on a fancy date and she’s all like I forgive you! I’ll wait a million years to marry you! You’re my soul mate. Please, please please please please pretty please with a dildo on top have sex with me!! (Spoiler Alert: They do! Tom 2 loses his virginity this episode. Squeeee!)
Tom 2 bats his eyelashes, pokes at his salmon, and promises to only hang out with Jax in social situations, but not one-0n-one, so all is forgiven. Katie changes her Facebook status from “It’s Complicated” to “In A Relationship With My Delusion” and makes a status update: “Future Mrs. Tom 2 Again! Only a few more years and I think he’ll propose! Who wants to be my bridesmaid?!” Someone anonymously send Katie “He’s Just Not That Into You” followed by, “Accepting Reality For Dummies” – when Katie’s done with it makes sure she puts them both into Kristen’s locker at SUR, because Kristen…
While Katie seems happyish, Stassi continues her crusade, telling Tom 2 that Jax is scum who’s disrespecting their relationship, continually telling Katie she’s spineless and reminding her that she’s allowing Jax to manipulate her because that Tom 2 had his balls amputated – Jax needed an extra pair, it’s only right. Bros B4 Hos!
Katie insists accepting Tom 2‘s friendship with Jax is more important than giving Tom 2 an ultimatum, because the love. Duh! I agree with Stassi – if Tom 2 respected Katie and their relationship, he would definitely cut Jax off, but people are complicated, especially those stuck in arrested development. Tom 2 wants Stassi to stay out of it, because she’s basically being Katie’s “Jax” – you know: trying to manipulate and force her friend to do what she wants through meanness and coercion (“Most Likely To Resort To Sauvignonblanc-boarding To Get Their Way” superlative goes to: Stassi!).
Tom 2 finds it curious that for someone so over Jax and so over SUR, Stassi is obsessed with blaming Jax, trying to get everyone to ostracize him, and talking about him. He’s also curious about why Stassi is making his relationship to Katie all about her. Probably the same reason Kritter is making Tom 1‘s relationship to Ariana all about her: Narcissism sucks!
In other SUR news, it’s Pride but PUMP is getting all the attention, which means SUR is dead – quite a difference from year’s past. Which is perfect time for the new girl, Vail, to orient herself. People are not named Vail. People who graduate from Princeton and once got nominated for an Emmy do not work at SUR. Vail… is most likely to fail at hostessing and also most likely to get duped by Jax. As soon as she walks through the door, a puddle of drool forms at his bar (he quickly adds it to a cocktail) and he announces, “I’m gonna sleep with her.” Lisa Vanderpump warns Jax to leave Vail be – Jax can’t find Vail on a map, but doesn’t matter because he can find Vail’s vail! Lisa then warns Vail, who explains she’s a recovering drug addict, to stay away from Jax. Far away.
Since it’s empty at SUR, that gives Kristen the perfect opportunity to sidle up to Ariana at her bar and accuse her of cheating with Tom 1 while they were still dating. “This is deja-vu,”Kristen seethes, “Your relationship is built on lies.” Ariana side-eyes her over a vodka bottle. It is indeed deja-vu because last year at Pride Kritter was behaving psychotically, causing a scene, and blaming Ariana for everything that’s wrong in her life too! Ariana refrains from engaging, she recently attended an Insane-Anon seminar.
Kritter also warns Ariana that she’ll be coming by Tom 1‘s apartment to pick up her mail so Ariana better not be there, lurking in the corner, always being there, just being there living a lie! Oh Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen… first: the professionalism. Second: The FATAL ATTRACTION. When Kristen starts boiling vodka-marinated bunnies in SUR’s microwave, we’re in trouble.
The next day, at James‘ grody apartment, Kritter puts on her lowest cut, shortest dress with her highest heels, and does her hair all purdy so she can make the trek to Tom 1‘s for “mail”. Real important Mail, like an AARP application and some coupons from Ulta. James timidly asks Kristen when she’s going to stop going to Tom 1’s, but she is holding a hot curling iron and some hairspray, so he backs off.
Tom 1 also prepares – he has Tom 2 as back-up! Kritter walks in dressed to kill – hopefully not literally – but don’t worry Tom 2 will protect Tom 1! Or at the very least he’ll shriek real loud if Kristen charges.
Kristen immediately starts with the crap; whining about how Tom 1 cheated with Ariana but won’t admit it, complaining that he’s mean to her by not returning texts, whining that he never loved her, accusing him of trying to hurt her because Ariana is always around. She slips and calls him “Babe” to warn him that his relationship with Ariana isn’t good for him because she doesn’t like her or want them to be happy together.
Tom 1, to his credit, handles it like a man(!!!) – he tells Kristen their relationship was a mess and he felt trapped, but he’s very happy with Ariana and they never cheated so she should leave him and his girlfriend alone. Poor Kristen – she wore her green dress, to reflect her green with envy emoji inside.
I LOVE how Kristen continues to complain that Tom 1 cheated – SHE CHEATED WITH JAX TWICE!!! STOP DEFLECTING! Plus, why TF is she stalking Tom – I thought she was so in love with perfect James?! Eventually Tom 1 threatens to call the police or get Lisa to file for a 51-50 Psych hold, so Kritter scuttles away. She needs serious help, more intensive psych meds. Plus a restraining order. Including straight jacket.
After she leaves Tom 1 and Tom 2 pour themselves a stiff drink of kook-aid and champagne. Ariana comes over, so she can drive them to meet up with Jax for go-carting. Apparently none of these boys has a valid license. Ariana needs a minivan for her carpool route! She also needs to have her SUR uniform reinforced with bullet-proof material, a spit guard, and a special soda gun that’s actually filed with Mace. And a taser – c’mon Lisa, don’t leave a girl to the the crazies!
Also, Scheana Marie was barely in this episode, but it was Peter’s birthday and he wore a tank top. Blessed.
TELL US – IS KRISTEN CRAZY OR IS TOM 1 BEING MEAN? IS STASSI TOO INVOLVED IN TOM & KATIE’S RELATIONSHIP AND SUR IN GENERAL?
