Real Housewives Of New York Finale Recap: Starting Over For Dummies

Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of New York and I had a couple revelations. It’s my own version of drive-by therapy. Holla! 

Firstly, Ramona Singer is incapable of change and while Bethenny Frankel had all 100% valid points about how Ramona is basically a toddler playing dress-up in mommy’s very dated wig and stripper heels, it was slightly missing the point. Ramona has changed – maybe not in her Ramonaisms, but her life as she knows it certainly changed. 

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Ramona was experiencing a new beginning as she sloughed away 25 years of marriage, so perhaps Bethenny should have just let Ramona celebrate accepting divorce – or given her the number of Dr. Amador (is he single?!).  Sonja Morgan said it best Ramona has celebrated more new beginnings than an AA Meeting, and yeah – a masquerade party is more appropriate. 

Secondly, Luann de Lesseps and Carole Radziwill are incredibly similar. I’ll get to that in a minute.   

Now, let’s recap on! Sonja is celebrating the success of SMLLB fashion show (New Beginnings, y’all!) Yay! It exists. Now let’s all move on and help Ramona move forward with her New Transition from married and in denial, to divorced and in denial.

Ramona is flummoxed by Bethenny unwarrantedly starting a fight with her at SMLLBFS and doesn’t believe Bethenny has a right to be that upset with her, but she’s gonna continue apologizing repeatedly anyway. Bethenny promises she’s gonna lay low at Ramona’s party and chug the “ducho-grigio” (this from the woman who has been waterboarding us with Skinnygirl all season), but instead Bethenny was the ducho-grigio to Ramona’s pinot-delusiono. It was great. 

As soon as Bethenny arrives at New Directions (or whatever the hell Ramona is calling her retirement home of a party to celebrate her same turtle, new shell), Ramona accosts her with a backwashed pinotpology. Which Bethenny doesn’t accept. 

Speaking of New Beginnings, Bethenny is no longer homeless! Holla for getting off the streets. Blah, blah, blah… Bethenny’s new apartment looks gorgeous. Carole comes over to check out the finished product and Bethenny teases her about how Adam can finally eat solid foods, which makes Carole pissy. Which I don’t get! If Carole is so happy with Adam, take a joke! Luann hasn’t called Carole since she returned back from London, but she is talking shit – which upsets Carole. Understandably. 

Bethenny is still straddling the Countess vs. Carole fence, and likewise Luann is still straddling the Countess vs. Luann fence. Carole is straddling the Countess vs. Luann fence as well; Carole loves Luann but can’t stand when she is accosted by her alter-ego, The Countess and she’s tired of the passive aggressive mean girl drama. 

Also John almost proposed to Dorinda Medley in a pizza shop. It’s a good thing he didn’t because Dorinda would’ve been so shocked she’d dribble sauce on her leathaaar. Or stab him with a pizza cutter. Back that sh-t up and don’t f-ck with Dirty D! Especially when she’s eating. 

At the big event du jour: Ramona’s current celebration of self (has someone gone feminist on us?), Sonja wears the same outfit she wore to her dog’s funeral – which says about all one needs to know about a “new” Ramona. Sonja also shows up with a  bone to pick. At the SMLLB Fashion Show, aka Fashion Week’s most exclusive show, Kristen Taekman discussed Thou That Shall Remain Unmentioned: the TOASTER OVEN! Apparently if you say it, “it” swallows you whole and melts you onto a piece of aluminum foil that is served to the Duke of Cornwall while he vacations on his hovercraft. Or something.

What really happened is SMLLBFS is that a reporter asked Kristen about the toaster oven and Kristen blandly said she hoped Sonja would make one because she loves toaster ovens. Maybe Kristen should just create a toaster oven. Carole’s boy can help her with some recipes.  However, Sonja is furious that Kristen wasn’t reading from the script about the gloriosity of SMLLB and was instead mocking her. Whatever! Apparently Kristen is supposed to be Sonja’s PR intern. 

“The toaster oven is a sensitive subject,” explains Ramona. Oh that mythical, elusive toaster oven – heating up drama since 2013! The whole concept of Sonja’s anger at Kristen is ludicrous but she spends the whole party complaining about her until Luann forces Kristen to go confront Sonja. 

Sonja calls Kristen “brain-dead” and snaps that she never wants to be her friend again. Kristen, by comparison, was mature and articulate in her own defense, but who cares because she was looking fabulous and whatever she was wearing I want. Also, Kristen is right – if Sonja no longer wants people inquiring about the toaster oven she needs to prep her press! Isn’t it Sonja who was so-called in PR for 500 years promoting the smokey eye and updo in Gstaad?! #WhyInternsShouldntDoRealPeoplesJobs. 

Honestly why doesn’t everyone just leave Kristen alone? The only stupid thing about her is that she’s married to Josh (now with hair plugs!), but otherwise she dresses great, is perfect comic relief, and is the sole sane force of normalcy in the group. 

Meanwhile Bethenny and Ramona are alternatively tailing each other around the party arguing about new beginnings while rehashing old arguments. Now if I were Ramona, I would have reminded Bethenny that as this is a new beginnings party and I am letting go of the past and walking away. Instead Ramona profusely apologized. Initially Ramona couldn’t figure out why she was apologizing. When Bethenny reminded Ramona she told Heather Thomson that Bethenny cheated on her first husband, Ramona’s hair frizzed up with cued recall. (Flowby to the rescue!). Basically Bethenny held Ramona’s ass to the fire and Ramona couldn’t take the heat so she tried to leap out of the toaster oven. But Bethenny kept slamming the door and shoving Ramona back in there with her potholders. 

Eventually Heather roamed over and told Bethenny it’s her choice whether or not she wants to act like a bitch, but she’s a good person. Bethenny barked that she didn’t need Dr. Heather’s “Drive-by Therapy.” (She does. And Heather is right.) “Apparently I’m Glenda the Good Bitch,” snarks Bethenny. 

Which would make Luann the Wicked Witch Of Wherever The Hell She Pretends To Be From. Carole and Luann finally have their chat during which Luann undoes all her new beginnings and salient points by turning the Countess up to 11 and mocking Carole for not having children (with this creepy maniacal laugh!).  Luann is pissed Carole won’t admit to apologizing in Turks and Caicos, and Luann is upset they barged into her room, camera crew in tow, because what if she was doing something naughty then her kids would know. Also Luann is pissed Carole is dating Adam because he’s a family friend and Carole lied. 

Carole in turn slut-shames Luann for having promiscuous vacation sex (wholly ridiculous considering Carole is encouraging Ramona to do the same thing. Plus, CAROLE met Adam on vacation and was f–king him like 3 minutes later (and puking in his lap.)). Carole says it’s not her job to protect Luann’s kids. All true. According to Luann when Carole is guilty she gets extremely defensive, mean, and angry. All true. (Remember her shoving Aviva’s face on the stairs over bookgate?) Carole cannot handle constructive criticism any more than Lu can. The discussion gets nowhere.

So, this is my revelation: Carole and Luann are veeeery similar. They’re both women in a crisis of conscious. Luann is torn between being herself, but doesn’t want to let go of the mystique and allure of The Countess, which gives her a gravitas and ego she can hide behind. Also, Luann doesn’t want people knowing the real Luann is kind of a mess of messy choices and situations, but fun! 

Alternatively Carole won’t relinquish her past life either and is stuck. She’s been a widow for 15 years but just now released a book about widows dating, books she can’t even finish, who no longer resonate. Carole is recognizing that her friends are married with families and/or careers, but she’s still floating along, untethered to anything, hanging out with a sea of young men who fit her emotional mode, will sing her praises and ignore her realities. Carole cowers from middle-age with pretend flippancy, like Luann cowers from diminished status and lost love with pretend flippancy. We saw in London that Carole is not owning her present life and she hasn’t moved on. Both Carole and Luann seem frozen in time and hide behind people who hide their truth – just like Sonja!

In each other I think Luann and Carole both subtly see themselves. And that’s why they’re both so bitter and treacly. Carole should just proudly proclaim Adam, who shirked into the New Transitions Menopausal party and was lectured on nutritious dinners by the Golden Girls. Luann should stop pretending she’s ever been a real countess – it was a courtesy title of a dying breed, far outlasting it’s prime, ingloriously given to a girl from Connecticut who happened upon what seemed like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. But rainbows don’t last forever and neither do the golden years of youth.

Ladies – it’s time to let go, move on, and find solace in each other instead of shanking each other with low-blows administered covertly in corners at parties to celebrate the vainglorious movings-on of a woman who has sported the same feathered hairdo since 1992. 

TELL US – CAROLE AND LUANN: SOLE MATES? DID YOU LIKE THE FINALE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]