I’m confused – I thought Kim Richards was fired from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Is she getting a royalty check every time someone says her name because she’s literally all anyone talks about. And Erika Jayne‘s face above, that’s how I feel when Kim gets brought up. I imagine Kyle Richards probably has an interesting enough life without discussing Kim.
First there is her questionable fashion taste, yet she is the owner of not one, but TWO luxury kaftan emporiums (Did Kyle really repurpose a lace table cloth into a mini dress last night? I applaud her dedication to sustainable fashion and support of Project Runway challenges in the real world sphere). There is her friendship with Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, her drama with other sister, Kathy Hilton, the Machiavellian womb which produced Paris Hilton. Then there is Kyle’s ultimate frienemy-ship with Lisa Vanderpump because of which Kyle often is seen making an ‘I drank a fiber smoothie but forgot my Depends’ face.
Oh, and the woman has like 46 feet of hair, which does tricks: Hair flips! Helicopter spins! Plus she can do splits. And Kyle’s married to “Maurice,” who may or may not be sour that LVP stole his Bravo spinoff, which is only karma because he may or may not have stolen Rick Hilton‘s clients (according to Truth Cannons). What I’m alluding to here is that Kyle has a lot to work with which doesn’t involve Kim. Plus, she’s also doing a closet renovation, so there’s that.
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With all that said the ladies are in the Hamptons with their tears. I get it – having to endure a self-help book from Bethenny Frankel would likely reduce anyone to tears because GOOD LORD what has your life come to! Compounded by forced shopping at Kyle by KaftansToo: East Koast What’s Up. I get it. But make lemons into salvaging a Skinnygirl cocktails, and go buy a Firkin Beach Bag as a gag gift for the sister-in-law you hate, so you can pretend it’s like really awesome so she’s forced to use it at least once. There are positives here. You’re in the Hamptons! Eating lobster! On Bravo’s dime! Yet you’re talking about Kim. NO.
Kyle isn’t the only one with drama at Kyle By AleneToo though – Bethenny was forced to saveface by apologizing to Erika for her comments about Erika Jayne. If there’s one thing Bethenny and LVP have in common it’s that those bitches cannot simply apologize. There’s always a justification, an explanation, some subtle shade about how they’re just helping. That’s just what Bethenny does to Erika. She apologizes, then but, but, buts… about how she doesn’t understand if Erika Jayne is serious or, as Kyle says, “an outlet. Like yoga!”
Erika doesn’t care about Bethenny’s advice on anything – from hot pants to dancing. Erika strolled into that Kaftan store wearing a microscopic minidress printed with handguns. She gingerly took a sip of whatever Skinnygirl concocktion was in her glass like, I don’t do low-cal cocktails get me a whiskey and coke – not diet! To Bethenny’s half-assed apology, Erika shrugs, “I’m a big girl – I can take it.” Then Erika carries on with examining a pair of acid-wash hot pants. And because Erika doesn’t care, Bethenny is deeply unsettled. She cannot stand that Erika doesn’t want her help. “I don’t react because I don’t really give a f–k,” quips Erika. I believe her – I also believe she could easily refashion those shorts into a whip and show Bethenny who’s boss.
Kyle’s store opening was dominated by KimKillah’s troubles. It’s a good thing Kim wasn’t there too, because with her propensity for getting arrested as of late, Kyle might be a few kaftans short of a kollection! Now Lisa Rinna is absorbing Kim’s problems like they’re calorie-free cookies. She frets that exposing Kim’s un-sobriety last season helped push Kim over the edge. “I was Kim Richards’ worst nightmare, because I was her mirror,” says Lipsa. Eh – something about the way Lipsa said it, like, she didn’t really feel bad that Kim heisted a mirror from Target to avoid Lipsa shoving one in her face, but like gloating about finally being the person who exposed KimKillah’s My Sobriety ruse. The comments just weren’t sitting right with me – like whatever Bethenny served Lipsa last week (laxatives over ice, with a twist of lime? Skinnygirl Shits?)
Lipsa is having this conversation with Bethenny while Kyle is engaged in a heart-to-heart with her aunt about how f–ked up their family is, and everyone is blaming Kyle for it. Which truly is grossly unfair. Kyle may have the best hair and hottest hubby, but it’s not her fault Kim got arrested and Kathy can’t stage an Adrienne Maloof magic show to distract from reality. Kyle’s aunt promises to talk to Kathy and check-in on Kim.
In a sort of hilarious irony just as Kyle sidles over to the group Bethenny is telling everyone how Kyle feels awkward that everyone knows about Kim. Kyle complains that everything always becomes about Kim. And it’s true. I honestly don’t think Kyle wants to talk about it because Kyle wants to talk about KYLE!
After that mess of kaftans and pseudo self-help, the ladies are back at the house for lobster. Poor Ken seems really unhappy to be there and demanded Kyle get Giggy a proper chair. Ken, tell Lisa you don’t want to socialize with her lady friends, put Giggy in some sweatpants because the sequins must chafe his alopecia and watch TV!
Immediately Eileen Davidson and LVP wind up in round 3 of their ‘what are we even upset about, again’ discussion. Eileen just wanted some acknowledgment from Lisa that the original conversation took an inappropriate turn and the second conversation took a defensive one. Because she cares about her friendship with Lisa, she wants to make sure they’re OK. Oddly, Ken gets in the mix so Eileen shuts him down real quick with a crisply polite, “I’m having a conversation WITH YOUR WIFE.” Exactly.
Lisa just can’t get the words ‘I’m sorry’ to form on her pink lips. Like those words don’t come in British. Instead she “apologizes” but bandies around, obfuscating that she was only trying to get to know Eileen better, that she was referring to Eileen’s “love affair” with Vinnie, not the Eddie Cibrian kind of affair. Basically, LVP doesn’t feel she was out of line an she’s not gonna say-so just to appease Eileen. I can’t blame her for that, nor can I blame Eileen for being hurt, so let’s just chalk it up to vacation stress making people say the darnedest thing and MOVE ON.
Finally Erika starts cracking jokes about needing a drink and not being naturally blonde. Kyle encourages Erika to ask them anything so she wonders about this Brandi who everyone hates. It becomes all high school about how Brandi is trying to turn them against each other. That segues back into guess what: Kim!
Lisa encourages Kyle to stop getting so emotionally involved, but Kyle barks that nothing can fix it. In some co-dependent way being the victim to Kim’s dysfunction is part of Kyle’s identity and she’s not emotionally prepared to part with it.
Kyle asks everyone to share what keeps them up at night because every family has drama and pointedly calls out LVP, whose only concern is swan digestive tracts. “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a pony onto a private plane,” argues Kyle. Lisa insists she’s open about her issues, citing Max’s problems, business matters, and of course Ken’s elder son who ran off with Lisa’s friend, much his senior. But presently it’s all diamonds and rose. “Lisa’s very good about getting everybody else’s story and being very guarded about her own,” Erika observes.
I don’t think Lisa is pretending not to have problems, but seriously maybe there’s nothing too upsetting happening in her life at the moment. Max seems good, Pandora seems good, Ken and Lisa seem to be having 70-year-old sexytimes, and she doesn’t have Lyme Disease from her mini horse!
All the non-sharing inspires Eileen to divulge her past being in a physically abusive relationship which resulted in a broken nose! LVP looks on with detached concern. Oh Lisa – it’s OK to have feelings. Say it with me now: FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. #BabySteps #WhatAboutLisa
“Y’all are a tough bunch of bitches,” Erika quips, chowing down on some lobster.
Living la vida Erika means a private jet equipped with “Veronica,” slightly defective teabags (an annoyance to manage which is one of money’s drawbacks), and gourmet chocolate. Hmph. I was quite surprised to see Erika’s plane be so, well, plain. I expected it to look like the inside of a party bus and have a sequin factory for Erika Jayne emergencies. And to spray Chanel No. 5 for unclassic bitches with money from its exhaust pipes. Instead it looked like something Yolanda would own: white, pristine, sanitized by lemons and antiseptic aloofness.
Oh yes, Yolanda Foster. Erika scoops her up from the tarmac and My Love is nowhere in sight. He showed his caring with flow charts color-coordinated with instructions about which of his Grammy-winning albums Yolanda should play on what day. Also, Daisy, Yolanda’s Health Advocate, doesn’t get to ride on Erika Girardi Airways?
Yolanda gushes abut having the worst silicone leakage in the 9,000 operations the doctor has done. Not surprised, because Yolanda has to be the best, even at being the worst. Plus having the most undiagnosable Lyme in history has become her identity.
Yolanda does feel much better after her implants were removed, and vents to Erika that her illness is vindicated. Also Yolanda pities the other ladies who lack the capacity for compassion and empathy. Pity the fool [Erika Jayne bling!]
I do find it funny that with all the doctors Yolanda has seen, all over the world, no one did a full-body scan or MRI sooner?
Back in the BH, everyone is glad to be home to the consoling chaos of their lives. Which for Kyle means a visit from the MC Faye, to renovate Kyle’s kloset in the style of LVP. Faye immediately ruins the closet-fun by mentioning Kim and trying to guilt trip Kyle into reaching out. That is ENTIRELY unproductive, not to mention bad advice! Especially while Kyle is telling Faye over and over, that for her own sanity she’s not ready to engage! Kyle is NOT obligated to shoulder Kim’s crap.
Still, Kyle isn’t upset that Faye and Bethenny brought up Kim, because they’re not prying after reading something on TMZ (like LVP is?). They’re genuinely concerned.
The bottom line: Kim’s dysfunction is entrenched in Kyle’s identity and she’s not ready to disengage. By passive-aggressively NOT talking about Kim but letting others do it, Kyle gets to have her cake and eat it too: she can chide Lisa for commenting, yet, make disclaimers that others (whom Kim trusts) like Faye and Bethenny have good intentions. Regardless, Kim’s issues are continually re-exposed, as centered around Kyle, who continually relishes in the victim/martyr role. And she also gets to have her feelings validated, without saying how she really feels.
Finally we meet Kathryn Edwards at a dog pageant Lisa is hosting. Lisa loves dogs more than people – of course she does: dogs don’t require emotional coddling and they love having a master!
Ostensibly Kathryn just happens to be a guest, even though she doesn’t know LVP (but she does love dogs!), and she just happens to run into Lipsa, her old acquaintance she hasn’t seen in 20-years. And Lipsa instantly mentions Kathryn’s ex-husband Marcus Allen (who Eileen went on a date with), who Faye accused of having an affair with Nicole Brown Simpson. “This makes me think of O.J.” says Lipsa, wholly unconvincingly.
This so-called Lipsa/Kathryn ‘run in’ is faker than Lipsa’s lips. Kathryn is introduced to everyone and Kyle is all antenna-up because Kathryn must know/despise Faye! LVP instantly likes Kathryn, who is funny, tall, blonde, and laughs at her career as a lazy model and indifferent actress.
Over drinks after after the event, Kyle grills Kathryn about the Faye-connection. Kathryn doesn’t know Faye but was offended by things Faye wrote about her. Faye claims to know Kathryn, and Kyle subtly implies that Kathryn is lying.
Whatever shenanigans Kyle was trying to orchestrate, I am against. No Faye!
LVP arrives mid-way through and sits next to Erika. They exchange covert side-eyes while the other isn’t looking. Erika allows Lisa to try her drink – a real margarita not some Skinnygirl shit – and while Lisa is sipping, Erika shoots her a look like you better have your ColorStay lipstick on.
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]
