Well hot damn was that an exciting episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County! Satan is confusing, and so too is Kelly Dodd. My head is still spinning from all the crazy, but I think it may be one of my favorite episodes ever. SO much happened that it was like watching Real Housewives as guest-directed by Quentin Tarantino.
One thing we have definitely learned in our many years observing Housewives in their native environments is that slightly unhinged women do not mix with tables and prostitution whores. Also “mother” and “not a prostitute” are mutually exclusive. No, Kelly didn’t flip a table, but she did flip an entire coven of Housewives and Housewives associates on their heads with expletive-laden, name calling the likes of which Heather Dubrow (who was ironically wearing leopard in a subtle homage to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, I imagine (intentional or ironic!?)) has never heard!
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Honestly, Kelly is pretty intensely good TV – even though she’s hateful and unhinged, she will slowly build her following and after last night’s display will be tethered to Bravo for all the remaining years of her facelift’s life. Then they’ll pay for another one!
The worst thing is that Kelly has valid reasons to be pissed, but her handling of said pissiness was where she lost all her ground and gained only the following of Vicki Gunvalson, who gleefully latched onto someone else willing to play the role of Satan. Shannon Beador, Kelly’s co-star on a reality show, a woman Kelly barely knows, probably set her up, or at the very least sat there with complicity while a woman Kelly doesn’t know, who purports to be a friend of Shannon’s, essentially called Kelly a prostitute. That’s rude, and also gross.
As Kelly informed us, she doesn’t have friends like that. That may be true, but Kelly does have herself. A self who contains a side to it that is no less vulgar and uncouth than that Nina woman. Who truthfully the mere sight of convinces me that Shannon did set Kelly up, because there is no way SHANNON would associate with that woman either – I don’t care what doctor Nina married for an alimony check.
But sad, stupid, silly Kelly lost all her ground by going for low blows, and she did it again last night. She wasn’t lying when she admitted to anger management issues!
Also it must be said that just as Jesus converted Tamra Judge, Tamra has converted me. Tamra’s Biblical onus may be shaky but her new convictions on owning your shit and holding people accountable are as developed as her ass! But, ooooh boy, did Tamra pick the wrong time to stop drinking! Even Jesus was so desperate for a drink after dealing with his disciples that he turned water into wine. Hasn’t the Push-Up ‘Pasture’ Mia figured this out yet?!
So, moving on! Vicki confesses to Briana that after much contemplation, she’s realized her life is in dire need of a replacement Donn. Also a replacement Donn’s boat after the one he seized in the divorce. Fair is fair: Vicki got Brooks, and Donn got the SS Freedom.
But low and behold, Vicki’s love tank is once again empty, yet Donn is still free! Poor Vicki – she has needs: she needs a working washing machine, and man for sex and travel. “Why is that so hard to find?!” she exclaims. I dunno, Vicki, probably because those wants are attached to your personality. Briana snickers that Vicki should get back together with Donn. Too bad for Vicki that Donn just entered the witness protection program. Also, Vicki is selling her washer on Craigslist in the hopes that whomever buys it will also kiss her, which is also sort of the prostitute Kelly may be if you ask Nina, which I certainly wouldn’t, unless I were on my third or fourth tequila at Andales.
Tamra is planning Meghan King Edmond‘s pre-baby basting bash at a Japanese restaurant because sushi is a no-no when pregnant. Tamra reminds Meghan that the guest list includes Vicki – per Meghan’s request – but naturally Meghan freaks out and whines that she doesn’t like Vicki, and Tamra is ruining Meghan’s last night of non-pregnantness by “shoving” Vicki in her face. “I don’t want to f–king see Vicki,” Meghan complains. Well then honey poo – quit Real Housewives Of Orange County!
Tamra promises to dis-invite Vicki to stop Meghan’s whining (and I’m pretty that’s how Jim feels!). After Meghan hangs up she slams the phone on the floor over and over, pretending she’s imagine Vicki’s face when really it’s Jim’s she sees as she cracks the iPhone into a thousand shards of broken dreams and shattered fantasies.
Seriously – I think the only person who cares less about Meghan’s IVF journey than I do is Jim!
Then Meghan yanks on her school girl uniform and sulks to Shannon’s Everything Doctor, like a bagel. Meghan complains that she’s bloated, cranky, moody, exhausted and she just wants all these things to go away until she gets pregnant. Meghan does realize these are the also symptoms of pregnancy, right? Dr. Tim compares Meghan to an oven and suggests putting Jim in it. Or maybe he wants to shove witches in there because a second later Shannon shuffled through the door, followed by Tamra.
Apparently everyone in Orange County sees Dr. Tim to relieve the symptoms of a functioning brain. He gets Tamra occupied learning how to turn a knob so he can gossip about Vicki provoking David’s face at the 70’s party when David was totally innocent. Shannon’s eyes turn red, and she accuses Vicki of trying force David to push her. Tamra is side-eying this so sternly I wondered if it was another exercise prescribed to her by Dr. Pasture. Mia-Tim Pose Your Ass With Purpose.
Then Meghan whines at Tamra some more for inviting Vicki to the sushi party. Obviously Tamra is stupid for not understanding teenager when Meghan said she wanted Vicki there, even though she doesn’t because she’s thinking BABY!BABY!BABY! which means acting like a BABY! and taking BABYSTEPS!BABYSTEPS!BABYSTEPS! with Vicki. Maybe Vicki can come to the sushi party wearing a goldfish in a bag around her neck. (10 points if you know what movie I’m referencing!).
Tamra, to her credit, immediately calls Meghan out, until Meghan huffs that it was a miscommunication and Vicki can come. Then Shannon starts haranguing Tamra for being sucked into Vicki’s web after the entire group decided they don’t like “negative people.” Tamra reminds Shannon it was SHE who invited Vicki to the 70’s party first, so she should tell Dr. Tim her Hypocrititis is acting up again. “Don’t shame other people for the same thing you’re doing!” Tamra lectures.
Tamra is also correct – Shannon hasn’t ‘moved on’; she hasn’t ‘forgiven,’ because if she had, she wouldn’t be CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT VICKI. Also, Shannon: your plan to get Vicki fired failed. You should have left RHOC to focus on your SUPER-ULTRA-AMAZING-MARRIAGE. The one where you have to imagine David’s affair every time you see Vicki to stop yourself from ripping his wandering eyes out, as you run to Dr. Tim’s shrieking, “I HAVE TENSION IN ME! AND DAVID COULDN’T FISH IT OUT WITH THE COLONIC TUBE! THE TENSION BROKE OFF AND NOW IT’S STUCK FOREVER! I NEED MY VAPORIZING CRYSTAL LOZENGES AND THE LEMON ZESTER! STAT!”
Tamra has decided until Vicki does another bad thing, she’s forgiving like Jesus. Shannon’s reply is gobbledety-goop FAKE CANCER! Honestly can’t Tamra just give out Shannon’s private number to Kelly-O to distract Shannon? #VickiSnoreImBored
While the other ladies were visiting the good doctor, Heather was guest hosting on The Doctors. Apparently she’s found the perfect work-parenthood-spending-gallons-of-money-life-champs-reality-TV-shopping-phony-friendships-lecturing-and-controlling-building-mansion balance, and if Terry were as superior as Heather was he’d be able to achieve this too.
Then Kelly goes to Tamra’s to make porn-agami penii and place cards for Meghan’s Dead Sperm Revival Party. (That’s like a horror movie plot – the dead sperm slither from Jimmy Dad Jean’s 1992 pants, down to his loafered feet until they find their way to a turkey baster that Dr. Tim’s magic hands carries to the depressurized oven set to a hot messy 30-going-on-19 degrees C.).
While there Kelly complains to Tamra that Shannon was not receptive to her wine-soaked accusations of a set-up, which apparently was also an apology. So Tamra helpfully informs Kelly that Nina told everyone she”sucks d–k for money!” Kelly slams down her pen, smoke pouring from her ears, wine erupting from her mouth. “SHE CALLED ME A PROSTITUTE!” The enormous sleeves of her shirt morphed into a devil’s cape and horns sprouted from her mom-bob, as she grew to 16 feet of sheer vociferous red lips to roar that Shannon is dooooomed! The Kelinator ripped the “FRIENDSHIP IS LOVE” plaque off Tamra’s wall and flew through the door to her all-white castle on the peak of the dark mountain. Tamra barely noticed, she was so concentrated on her paper vagina. She only looked up when she felt a slight breeze.
Back at home, Kelly fills her void further with empty vessels by having Vicki over for a flavorless steamed dinner. Vicki gets trapped in the elevator, which contains the locked challis of Kelly’s heart, then nearly loses her buzz and a finger to the rhinestone-studded wine corkscrew, which like its owner, tries too hard to be unique, relevant, and interesting but is actually just all sparkle, subterfuge, and foolishness disguising itself in glitter.
Kelly is enraged over Nina’s comments. She can’t be a prostitute because she’s been a multimillionaire for years. And money can’t buy you table manners, eh?
Kelly snickers to Vicki that she texted Shannon that Kelly is suing Nina for slander. Kelly can’t stand being lied about and it throws her into a disproportionate rage so everyone better watch out!
Kelly is the worst. She may be of amazing in her worstitude, right? Like 70’s polyester bellbottoms. But Kelly is a person who believes substance is to be conflated with shininess.
That’s when Tamra gets the call from Shannon who now accuses Tamra of being a disloyal friend for repeating Nina’s comment to Kelly. Tamra explains to Shannon, The Vickitim, that she’s not gonna fight Shannon’s battles for her.
Finally, Meghan’s party happens and Tamra brought ammunition in the form of Ryan’s ex-fiance Sarah who is used to unhinged behavior. Perhaps Tamra has a crystal ball in that rock-hard ass of hers? Shannon is really stressed about any encounters of the Kelly-kind, and will do her best to heed Heather’s advice not to engage.
Things start off on the right foot – with everyone barefoot and feeling awkward, their guards are momentarily down. Vicki greets Meghan with an olive branch gift explaining that she doesn’t want to be friends-friends-friends, but friendly in social settings, and Meghan is relieved. So some tension is momentarily Dr. Tim’d away.
Strangely Kelly mentions seeing a commercial for Psychic Scott – the guy who first ‘saw’ fake cancer in Brooks – and that she wants him to do their readings. Tamra’s psycho-antenna started getting a strange tingling, and then Meghan, who was whining about wanting to have a relaxing and fun party, asks Kelly how her lunch with Shannon went! Cue The Devil In Kelly Dodd. I mean literally like a switch she went from woman in a red jumpsuit, to woman breathing fire.
Kelly began ranting nonsensically about how she is a mother, not a prostitute, and one cannot simultaneously be a prostitute and a college-educated multimillionaire Catholic who has a school-aged daughter with hearing and comprehending capabilities. #FACTS!
It was riveting TV, but Kelly definitely has serious issues. Kelly is a curious, albeit organic, hybrid of a more well-spoken and wealthier Teresa (pre-indictment/prison mode) and a less classy first season Shannon.
Also, even though Kelly apologized to Shannon over the 70’s party and doesn’t blame her, it’s still Shannon’s fault Nina, who Kelly has never met in her life, called her as a prostitute! Shannon, who was cowering silently in the corner, dressed all in black like the grim reaping Housewives soul stealer, finally snarks at Kelly for mentioning her college degree, so Kelly screams that Shannon is a c-u-next-tuesday. Meghan’s mouth dropped. Tamra leapt right into action of schooling Kelly that if someone accuses you of something that’s not true the best way to redeem your reputation is to treat them disdainful, not name-call! That is unacceptable to Kelly because she has a daughter, so Tamra is a “dumb f–k!”
Heather is flabbergasted into a tizzy and leaps up, in finger-wagging full mom-mode, to yell at Kelly for her unbecoming, immature behavior. Heather orders her to leave the party. Without missing a beat, Kelly scoffs in Heather’s face, “Leave! What are you? Like the boss?!” And everyone gasps. They gasped louder at Kelly refusing to surrender to Heather’s orders than they did to Kelly calling Shannon the c-word! Heather decides she will leave instead, and gathers her shoes, muttering how she knew leopard was a bad idea.
Vicki scarcely paused while dissecting her spring roll, because fish makes her gag, imagining how a spring roll reminds her of certain male anatomy and that she’d love to go to Japan with a real-live spring roll of a partner. Thinking the party was over, she starts following Heather out the door and notices Heather is hyperventilating and defending her against David’s behavior at the 70’s party. Vicki puts on her lip gloss and primly thanks Heather, who then flaps in Vicki’s face that she too owes people apologies. Vicki protests that she HAS apologized, but a riled up Heather snaps that she hasn’t and flees. In the limo she breaks down into tear-less sobs, with an ugly cry face only beat by Teen Mom stars, about how she cannot handle such atrocious behaviors and must host a funeral for the dead manners of society.
Back inside, Tamra is counseling Kelly on her awful behavior while Shannon stands there shell-shocked. Kelly merely shrugs, smiles brightly, and breezily apologizes to Shannon and Tamra. Shannon will not accept. Not now. Not ever. Kelly is in Vicki Territory.
But Tamra notices the hurt in Kelly’s eyes. It reminds her of a girl she once knew before she met Jesus. Tamara believes the conquest of Kelly Dodd-O’s devil is part of her redemption and her testimony. She must help Kelly find Jesus. Shannon, on the other hand – forgiveness ain’t her bag. She warns Tamra that she will again be hurt by Vicki, and then be disappointed by Kelly – almost as if Shannon is a psychic…
Vicki miraculously found her way back to the party, and over last-ditch drinks with a revitalized Kelly and a watchful Tamra, Kelly mimics Heather’s hoity-toity ways of speaking and highfalutin rules. “Oh, you don’t like Heather,” Tamra purrs.
TELL US – DID SHANNON DESERVE KELLY’S OUTBURST OR IS KELLY INSANE? IS TAMRA A PEACE-MAKER OR A SHIT-STIRRER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
