Well the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta tried to tame the wild beast of Marlo Hampton‘s gossip-trapping, but instead Sheree Whitfield wound up carrying her bones while Marlo turned their weaves into a cape.
Last night we learned a few important lessons, mostly that we should never ever let the Real Housewives of any ilk attempt the outdoors. Like nice try Phaedra Parks, but just like your maxi dress, the Real Housewives aren’t a right fit for tents.
Getting out of Atlanta is itself a travail after Porsha Williams has surprise invited her sister Lauren to act as a human security blanket against Porsha’s highly tuned rage. While Porsha and Kenya Moore argue about the merits of their communication styles, Prophet Parks interjects commanding them to STOP and to remember they are all strong personalities who act out. Constantly.
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Marlo may have brought a bedazzled bottle of OFF! to the woods, but Phaedra had her bug spray laced with holy water. Hopefully holy water won’t give Sheree a yeast infection.
Lauren isn’t the only surprise – when they arrive at the camp grounds the ladies are forced to whisk by the luxury-ish looking cabins as Phaedra escorts them deep into the woods for a jamboree and tent revival.
I really don’t know why everyone was making such a big deal about Lauren’s unannounced presence when Kandi Burruss brought that very sweet, but mute girl, and Sheree had Megaphone Marlo in her hip-pocket. It seems like Lauren can at least keep them safe from P.Hulk which, with all these ladies concerned about Porsha’s violent tendencies, would be a good thing? Anyway, because there are so many uninvited guests, some of the ladies are forced to share cabins and tents. Marlo quickly puts it out there that she has gas and IBS which, shockingly, is her least toxic attribute.
Before trooping into the great unknown, Sheree and Marlo plot a coup. They decide to direct the ‘flow’ of Marlo’s proposed “Ask Marlo” summit to discuss rumors, circulating by some of the frienemies, that Kandi is a down-low lesbian. Of course immediately after Sheree gives Marlo this information she clams up and pretends she shouldn’t have said anything, and insists Marlo not bring it up.
Sheree is beyond messy. She is a damn vacuum cleaner bag that’s exploded, leaving all the leftover dust and remnants of filth clinging to everything. Is she really that hard-up for cash to furnish Chateau Sheree that she’s conspiring with Marlo to sift drama from dry spells? ‘Pparently so.
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After Phaedra escorts the group into the woods, she announces that in order to earn sleep they must erect their own tents – and these are not the type of tents generally frequented by the ladies of Atlanta! Seriously – Prophet Phaedra would make an effective cult leader: she’s exceptional at getting people to do her bidding while she sips on the wine, she is capable of convincing these women to abandon civilization for her causes, she mystifies them with her Jesus sermons and backhanded compliments, and she’s rather good at the whole deprivation strategy.
There’s supposed to be a camp employee to help pitch the tents, but Phaedra kept calling him Stephen, when his name was Jason, so I’m assuming he punished them by playing Candy Crush as they stumbled over poles in the dark. Phaedra rather adeptly erected her own tent, and miraculously managed to keep her strapless maxi dress up in the process. Seriously – THAT was her outdoor attire? Only Marlo’s sheer mesh jumpsuit and Louboutins made less sense!
Two hours later, all the tents are finally up and the exhausted, grouchy, and food-deprived women are allowed only a few marshmallows as sustenance. Ravenous, they feast on each other. Or rather MARLO attempts to feast on Kenya. It was predicated by Kenya asking Sheree, the preeminent expert, for help inflating her air mattress. In response Sheree suggested roasting Kenya’s booty over the open fire, and Marlo was more than eager to play the chef.
Those two former friends of convenience started to go at each other until Marlo issued the ultimate low-blow by announcing that Kenya’s own mother doesn’t want anything to do with her because she’s so evil. Yeah, gross. And super wrong.
Kenya retaliated by calling Marlo a prostitute. Until finally Prophet Phaedra interjected to issue a decree that as women they need not go so heinous, and that it’s irrelevant how Marlo earns her money so long as she turns all her worldly assets over to the cult coffers – including the bedazzled flashlight and illuminating style advice on the trendiness of cameltoe. Marlo and Kenya both offer insincere apologies with Marlo blaming her negative comments on hurt that Kenya rejecting their friendship.
Then the ladies finally crawl into their tents for sleep. Except for Rogue Marlo, who at 3 am abandons the group, smuggling her bedazzled flashlight out with her. Literally, wearing only her platform sneakers and mesh jumpsuit, she walked down the dark road to the cabins. The next morning, Phaedra, no stranger to the delights of air mattresses, slept like a baby – maxi dress in tact, where as Cynthia Bailey barely slept at all. That’s when they discover Marlo is missing. Far from Kenya’s hope that a bear absconded with her, Marlo is merely back at the cabins freshly rested in a pair of cameltoe consuming hot pants and bedazzled shades.
Over brunch the topic of conversation is the status of Phaedra’s divorce. Kandi tries to shadily call Phaedra out on a so-called law that if one of the parties goes to prison the divorce will be finalized in 60 days, which she doesn’t reveal was information gleaned from Mama Joyce‘s stalking. Both Phaedra and Porsha insist that it’s not always the case. I looked it up, actually, out of curiosity: first of all it doesn’t apply to FEDERAL cases, only state; secondly, it mainly applies to situations where the defendant has committed a crime against his or her spouse, or a crime of extreme immorality. And it often only applies to the dissolving of the legal marriage, not property rights or other assets. Phaedra, however, is here to remind us that unlike Kandi and Mama Joyce she has attended law school. Although I’m not sure She By SheSued would give her a recommendation!
But the inquisition of Phaedra’s marital state is interrupted by Cynthia crying over her own nearly finalized divorce. She is bereft that Peter didn’t even bother to show up to sign paperwork which she was going to use as “closure.” I thought crashing Club One was her closure? All the ladies leap up to console her that she is fabulous and fierce, and therefore will be fine.
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Then Kenya, Phaedra’s lead apostle in charge of outdoor affairs, takes control of the proceedings and announces a day of fun-filled bonding activities. Starting with kayaking and paddle boating. Kenya plunks Porsha down into a single-person kayak as the first victim, and shoves her off the dock while wishing her good luck in the currents, then ignores Porsha’s cries that her lifejacket isn’t secure.
Next Kounselor Krayonce turns her attentions to Sheree and yanks her into a leaky-bottomed paddleboat with Cynthia and Phaedra. You would have thought Kenya threw Sheree onto the sinking Titanic by the way she overreacted to a little lake water touching her cooch, which I am positive has been bathed in worse! Maybe Kenya assumed Phaedra and Cynthia could walk on water?
Sheree is scared the lake water has pee in it and will cause yeast infections. Then she throws a right fit over bugs. Despite Phaedra’s promises of a baptism, as soon as the lake water touches Sheree’s pants and shoes, she leaps out of the boat. Did she think there were sharks in there? I mean real sharks, not Real Housewives sharks.
After boating, the ladies are escorted to a 100 foot tower and told they have to climb up, then strap on a harness, to free fall down. Cynthia refuses to even climb the steps. But the rest of the group boldly soldiers on, following behind their fearless leader Kenya. At the top Kenya defies her fear of heights, and the advice of her attorney Phaedra, by bravely leaping off the tower to her destiny below. Phaedra, meanwhile, demures that if Jesus wanted her to fly he’d have given her wings, but instead he has given her a prodigious mind for which to combat the devil below and a prodigious booty to cushion any falls into temptation. And Lord knows she’s had enough of those, so she simply turns and walks down the steps leaving Porsha at the top to hyperventilate and pray for safe delivery.
After Porsha is practically thrown from the top she cries/laughs that she survived the fall, and all the women consider it a successful day of bonding. That night Kenya hosts a dinner with all the luxury one can muster from plastic cutlery, aluminum foil, hot dogs, and battery-operated lanterns. I actually thought it was really cute.
As the ladies arrive one by one, it dawned on them that this was no spiritual epiphany happening, but something far more sinister emerging from the dark, festooned with the freshly-skinned fur of a bear. That something was Marlo. On a trapping mission.
As the ladies exchange tepid pleasantries and marvel at all the unity accomplished, Marlo pipes up that this fresh start cannot go on until all the bad juju is exorcised from the closet. A certain someone’s secret closet specifically. Marlo shares that her dear friend Sheree confided that a member of the group is spreading rumors that Kandi is a lesbian. Marlo just wants to know if it’s true and clear the smoky air.
The table alights with shock over who could say such a thing. Most confused-acting is Porsha. Porsha, who is, obviously, the culprit. Well, and Phaedra, who just guzzled the blood of salvation from her wine glass. And I mean guz-zled. As they try to determine who made this claim, which Kandi denied, Sheree reminds Porsha that it was actually HER.
Sheree walks Porsha backwards through the disastrous taco dinner, when she was mad that Kandi allegedly lied about Porsha’s relationship with Block, and the aftermath when Porsha snarked that Kandi was peeping out of the closet.
Kandi, is livid and claims she’s no more a lesbian than Porsha is. Porsha pleads the fifth on discussing any proposed lesbian activities, then blames Sheree for carrying the bones of a long-dead rumor and argument.
I really don’t get it. Sorry. I mean, OK so Porsha made an obnoxious rude comment out of anger, but now it’s becoming a big thing? Porsha insists she was really just being snarky, cause you know that anger management is a work in progress (or non-work in no progress), and she claims she’d forgotten about the moment until trifling Sheree made it into something bigger.
What was interesting is that while Porsha was being hung out to dry by Sheree and Marlo and harped on over her statements, Phaedra said NOTHING in her defense! Furthermore no one called Phaedra out for insinuating the lesbian comments in the first place by whispering about Kandi and Shamea Morton hooking up. Um… hello? Frick why aren’t you backing Frack?!
After dinner, Phaedra, Porsha and Lauren convene in one cabin to complain about Sheree’s messiness. Porsha threatens to unleash all the dirt she has on Kandi. Meanwhile, Kandi vents to Cynthia and Kenya that Porsha becomes an “aggressive lesbian” when she’s drunk and Kandi won’t hesitate to put her secrets on blast if need-be. And Sheree smirkily pretends to admonish Marlo for repeating confidential information, but agrees it’s necessary for the group to move forward with honesty.
As Kandi predicts, this will not end here or end nicely.
SHOULD PORSHA BE BLAMED FOR STARTING RUMORS, OR IS SHEREE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING? SHOULD PHAEDRA HAVE SPOKEN UP IN SHEREE’S DEFENSE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
