Raise your hand if you are still reeling from Dorinda Medley’s version of Festivus last week? (I’m raising both, as if arrested. For indecent TV watching while under the influence of Diet Coke.) Well, apparently we can forget all of that! For we’re poised to move on as fast these women do when air-kissing after slut-shaming, because it’s the moment we’ve all lived through already been waiting for: Carole Radziwill’s election party!
Get ready to take five cleansing breaths, friends, because this week The Real Housewives Of New York takes us through the moments leading up to election day right through its aftermath: otherwise known as Ramona Singer’s surprise 60th birthday party. Which she nearly screws up by double booking another date during said party. (And who – by the way – shows up at her party later, only to be summarily shunned!) With all of the drama surrounding these two heady events, Sonja Morgan’s love life nearly gets lost in the shuffle. <single tear> She’s created a love triangle of sorts because she is the eternal ‘it girl,’ dontchaknow? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! #TinsleyGoals
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We begin with Carole and her mother, Helen, canvassing PA neighborhoods days before the election. It’s a last ditch effort for Carole, who is so nervous about the election that she mildly freaks out her mother as they travel through the Holland Tunnel. In Bethlehem, Carole has more trouble navigating the car than she does actually pounding the pavement in search of undecided voters. Hmm. She might have more luck selling Girl Scout cookies to diabetics.
Back in NYC, Ramona is at the plastic surgeon’s getting lasered up for her big day. With cream slathered all over her face, Ramona sighs that she needs to look her best as she heads into this next day because – haven’t you heard? – she’s SINGLE. The technician is like, “Yes, um, Yessss. Good, stay still.” The soothing jab of a shot to the face does the trick, making Ramona finally relax, musing how she might just live to one hundred – to terrorize at least four future generations.
In PA, Carole and her mother discuss their political background, which has always included progressive ideas. Speaking of progressive, Carole floats the ole “shacking up” schtick by her mom, who’s like, ooooookaaaaay. She still hasn’t met Adam, which is weird, no? Carole likes to keep some distance between her shack-ees and her family of origin, apparently. She’d prefer to bond with mom over easier subjects. Like politics (!).
Sonja is back in the city, out to dinner with one of two potential Mr. Right Now’s: Rocco. (Frenchie is the other player.) Rocco seems like a stand up dude, placating Sonja’s long diatribe – despite the fact that she hasn’t put an EZ pass on that vag for him yet! – about how she’s basically Tinsley Mortimer’s servant. Sonja’s complaints about Tinsley are as follows: She’s pressing her pillowcases, she’s washing her underthings in the bidet free of charge, and does she get a birthday card from her houseguest? No, she does not! Rocco is sympathetic. And horny, I’d imagine.
Across town, Luann De Lesseps is meeting Dorinda out for some cross-body bag wearing and tie shopping. Luann needs a tie to wrap up the Rolex she just bought for Tom. She’s also conveniently busy with Tom the night of Carole’s election shindig, but does plan on stopping by Ramona’s surprise party – where everyone above 57th street will be in attendance. Including lots of “single European men,” just in case the women refuse to get in formation over merely celebrating Ramona’s 60 blessed years on the planet.
It’s the night of Carole’s election party and she feels like she might puke. Uh-oh. Someone pull this chick’s hair back! As guests arrive, Carole and a turtlenecked Adam mingle a bit, mostly looking like they both have to take very overdue sh*ts. Bethenny Frankel brings a few friends, and even Heather Thomson stops by to support the cause. Holla! I know it’s not gonna happen, but a large part of me really wants Jill Zarin to walk in right now all, “Hiiiiii! Bobby says you’re having a PARTY?” Because the 4 or so guests mulling around, combined with Carole’s deep depression, is not creating quite the mindless drama befitting this franchise. It’s just all too…heavy.
In walks Dorinda next, who’s equally freaked out that the election may take a different turn than she expected, but remaining positive for the moment. She thinks Carole looks great, but it may be due to the chronic diarrhea and panic she’s been living with lately. Bethenny decides that now is the moment to tell Dorinda she will not be attending Ramona’s party, given her diarrhea – of the mouth.
As the time lapse footage of election night rolls forward, Carole’s panic turns to resignation. She came into the night thinking she’d be celebrating victory for the first female President, but instead she’s going home to console herself over the loss. The next morning, she and Helen debrief on the phone. Both are stunned, and neither quite know where to go from here. Because no one got to hear her victory toast, Carole reads it aloud to her mom. Kind of like the La La Land producers had to do the morning after the Oscars. Except their speeches were probably not obnoxiously written on self-titled stationary (wtf!?).
(Can we open our eyes yet? Is it over, mommy?) Yay – finally, moving on to new territory! Ramona, who’s “over” being snubbed at Carole’s party (I wonder why? Anything to do with the outcome? Hmm…), goes shopping with Carole for dresses designed to bring their sexy back. Ramona decides on Ramona Red, while Carole decides on a little number that features her bare-a$$ nipples. The tag on the dress reads: Try Hard.
Afterward, the two sit down in their designer duds to discuss Ramona’s beef with Bethenny, which Ramona still doesn’t understand. Carole reiterates that Bethenny is upset by Ramona using Brynn as a prop in her questioning technique, but Ramona has too much Pinot swishing from ear to ear to process this detail. Carole decides you can’t fix crazy, so she stops.
Because Ramona likes to have several hundred birthday parties to celebrate version 60.0 of her Tru-Renewed self, she discusses the ladies who lunch gathering (or Star Wars bar, as Bethenny once accurately dubbed it) coming up soon. But Carole lets it slip that she thought it was a surprise, wasn’t it? Thereby ruining the actual surprise party.
Ramona’s like, HUH? And Carole’s like, WHAT? Ramona: WHO? Carole: ME? Until Ramona is so confused by small words that she just moves on to discussing the luncheon more. And THAT is how you truly pull the brakes on the Ramonacoaster. Tiny words and blank stares, ya’ll! Write it down. This is Kylo Ren level sh*t.
At Sonja’s house, Tinsley is dressed and ready to go to Ramona’s party. She looks lovely, but didn’t know the invite said “little black dress,” so she digs through the back of the closet where Sonja has likely relegated all of her It Girl fashions to, and comes up with something more apropos of fitting in with women 20 years her senior. Aww. I loved that first dress! Do you, Tinsley. DO YOU!
Someone who is not afraid to do her is the birthday girl herself – Ramona! She’s double booked for the night – first some drinks with Dorinda, then a date. All should go well if she just plays along. (Hahahahaha. Okay. That was funny, Dorinda.)
But as Dorinda rides in a car to pick Ramona up for the party (dubbed as drinks), Ramona gets feisty about Dorinda’s lateness, and hops in a cab. Leaving the entire room of surprise party goers to likely shout, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WITHOUT DORINDA?!?! when Ramona stumbles upon the scene alone.
As Dorinda freaks the f**k out in the car, Ramona zooms uptown, ready to face the surprise all by her lonesome. As the partygoers wonder what or who might step off this elevator, who do they see bedecked in fur when the doors open? SURPRISE! It’s Ramona, of course, who now has to cancel her escort service date. Unless he’s here? Please, please, let him be here!!! No such luck. But everyone else is in attendance – everyone except Bethenny, that is.
Ramona is truly shocked, which Carole credits with Ramona never actually listening to say a thing she says. See? It pays to be totally self involved. Uh-oh, Harry of the Luann/Sonja friends-with-benefit days is also here, which doesn’t thrill Sonja, who wants all men – past and present – who have visited her boudoir to forever and always be HERS. Luann mercifully didn’t bring Tom to the shindig, or Sonja might just pass out with the vapors. The relationships in her mind are too complicated to manage.
Sonja does manage to boss Tinsley around like her personal party wench though, which doesn’t bode well. Who’s the lady and who’s the lady in waiting here? It’s a fight to the finish!
Meanwhile, Ramona is making the rounds delivering her version of a female empowerment speech. And Luann is taking her leave, via the “Irish goodbye” – which I’ll admit is my personal favorite sort of goodbye. It’s can be translated thusly: Ditching.
Out on the terrace, Sonja and Ramona play kissy-face, then discuss Tinsley – who Ramona actually likes (wow!). She isn’t happy with Bethenny right now though, and doesn’t understand why she’s so pissed over what Ramona sees as a silly confrontation. Even dear, sweet, dull Sonja understands that their unwritten rule of keeping kids out of their discussions and arguments is what Ramona violated.
But Ramona will not be reasoned with, declaring that she was TRULY very concerned about Brynn! Yes, mmm hmm. Tell us more about this concern you have for a first grader and their nefarious plans to distribute information about mommy’s topless video, Ramona?
Giving up, Ramona and Sonja decide to celebrate the momentous, momentum, monumental, mangled, mental patient occasion at hand instead. “Wooooooooo hoooooooooo!” screams Ramona from the terrace, without a care in the world about the English language and its many, confusing words. But she does care about Bethenny’s opinion of her – that much is nakedly apparent. And it’s not a good one.
TELL US: CAN RAMONA AND BETHENNY WORK THIS OUT? SHOULD BETHENNY HAVE ATTENDED HER B-DAY PARTY? IS TINSLEY NOT LONG FOR SONJA’S SPARE ROOM? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CAROLE’S ELECTION PARTY?
Photo Credit: Bravo
