The first part of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was shockingly real as the ladies discussed broken marriages and motherhood. Shannon Beador finally stopped shrieking “WOOOOWWWWW! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A VOW RENEWAL!” and quit convincing herself that David loves her. Which has always been the real joke. I mean, it’s been over for years – vow renewal and all – but Shannon finally accepted it and moved out. Addendum: David finally kicked her out.
I mean it’s not like anyone believed this happy re-united love story of David and Shannon, although she certainly thought they were this inspiration to us all, but it’s still sad to see Shannon processing everything. Clearly she never saw it coming, which is the saddest thing of all.
The other hot topic was whether Jesus ate Lydia McLaughlin‘s brain, thus making her poisoned by a fear of drag queens. OK, it wasn’t quite that dramatic unless you’re Meghan Edmonds.
So first up, who’s wearing what and why?! Actually, shockingly – disappointingly – none of the outfits were really that terrible. Kelly Dodd‘s was a little Stevie Nicks meets I Dream Of Jeanie, and yeah in a bad way, but I’m gonna give her a pass becasue she’s learning to dress new boobs and also she just separated from Michael, so girl has a lot on her plate. And we don’t want that plate to come flying across the table with a half-eaten a steak on it!
Tamra Judge looked ridiculous, per the usual. Only because wearing a backless jumpsuit isn’t right for a 50 year old. Tamra can have the body of a 30 year old, but no one is believing she’s 30 and she needs to stop dressing like a 21-year-old who just maxed out their first credit card at Forever 21. Even if Tamra feels forever 21.
I thought Vicki Gunvalson looked nice for a change. Actually everything about Vicki was nice and normal for a change. Did Steve, this new wonder-man, organize an invasion of the body snatchers and trade The Real Vicki for one people actually like? In short, Vicki behaved like a human. She let her defenses down, she was kind and empathetic, and she did not whoop it up once. Can we keep this Vicki? I know, I know… we can’t because that’s how deals with confusing saton work!
Speaking of saton – Lydia isn’t confused by him. He’s a psychic in a drag club, forcing her to play sexual positions bingo while dressed in a community theater costume of Charlie Chaplin. Everyone was very affronted that My Little Lydia’s devotion to her Lord in Savior Rainbow Brite made her uncomfortable in such a ribald atmosphere. As a result Shannon re-tweeted that Lydia is homophobic, and Lydia was so mad she unfollowed Shannon. The best was that Shannon didn’t even notice! BUUUUURRRN.
Lydia is the opposite of homophobic – her BFF is a lesbian! Like Duh! Meghan is particularly offended that Lydia was offended, and blames Jesus for taking possession of Lydia’s good sense and turning her into an uptight bore. Meghan is also pissed that when Mystic Michaela came to her house, Lydia complained about being around psychics.
OK, I have thoughts. 1) Lydia IS annoying and this stupid Polly Pocket routine is old. Full stop. I’m also tired of her acting like saying a prayer in the bathroom of a bar, or over Doug’s balls really makes her holy. Maybe it does, I’m not Jesus, but the Alexis Bellino Christianity on this show is out of control. However, with that said, I don’t think Lydia was rude in either circumstance – the drag bingo or the Michaela party. Peggy Sulahian was way ruder but I didn’t see Meghan chirping bout that! Lydia excused herself at bingo and didn’t [seem] to make a big deal about it, although the other women complained that she made them uncomfortable with her fun policing. And lastly I call BS on Meghan’s psychic offense. You invite some mystic to your house to try and dig up dirt on your so-called friends, yet you’re pissed that they called your bluff? Girl, please.
Was Peggy even at this reunion? Yes, she was and she knows more of the English language then we ever expected. OMG it’s a miracle! (Sarcasm). I have nothing else to say about her except that I disagree with Andy – her hair did not look nice.
So let’s talk love and marriage, and Vicki with Steve. Everyone likes Steve – even Tamra, who when comparing Brooks to Steve, articulates “one’s a crook and one’s a cop.” Precisely. Vicki’s revisionist history has now made it so she has no idea who this Brooks-person even is, though, and why people are talking about him all that time. Did that happen?! Yes – it was Vicki with the Hallmark Card-filled secret binder in the City Of Hope cancer ward. Thankfully Andy realizes no one wants to discuss that for the 5th season in a row, and moves on. Thank you Lydia’s Jesus!
Vicki‘s tank is full and she’s driving into her future! She’s a kinder, gentler, happier Vicki on blood pressure medication in her advancing years. She claims she’s changed. I wouldn’t go that far! She wants love, and peace, and realizes that she chose whooping it up with Brooks over her marriage to Donn. Let this be a warning to all Housewives. In retrospect, a stable man is worth all the tequila in Andales. So now there is Steve, aka Donn 2.0. I’m sure Bravo will find someway to finagle a Vicki Gunvalson Love Tank Full Again wedding special where Vicki agonizes over whether to include Tamra in her wedding and we get yet ANOTHER season of will they? Or won’t they?! be friends again. Because the true wedding will be a commitment ceremony between these two. My Magic Hate Ball says: Frienemies Very Likely. Brianna even texted Tamra to say she was sad that Tamra and Vicki aren’t friends, and since Brianna is the TamIcki whisperer…
Vicki’s divorce journey is over longtime, but Tamra’s is never-ending. She recounts the drama with Sidney’s graduation and tearfully admits it was her fault because, once again, she sabotaged by choosing her selfish desires over her daughter when she posted photos from the day. Now Sidney isn’t talking to Tamra, and even worse: posted an excoriating Facebook message about how Tamra uses her for fame. You can read all about that here. Tamra clutches Shannon’s hand as she defends her decision to discuss Sidney on RHOC – one can’t be on a reality show and hide their real life, you guys!
Tamra gives newly-divorcing Kelly some advice about how children might seem fine, but wind up alienating you until you become the Key Note Speaker at a gala held in a bar and you’re awarded number one abandoned parent award while wearing a hoochie dress. An award that was basically a piece of cardboard covered by tin foil. Maybe Kelly will learn from Tamra’s mistakes, because Tamra sure as hell never does!
We already know that Kelly separated from Michael because he’s a boring old coot who wants her to behave like a lady. Kelly is the new Vicki, and Michael is the new Donn. Except now Vicki’s lost tank drove her to another new Donn, so maybe there’s hope for Kelly too! For now, though, she warns us to hide our children and wives because single Kelly is out on the town and looking for a Lacey near you. Wasn’t she the girl from Shannon’s 70’s party? The one who knew Kelly and the finance she had sandwiched in between her two Michael’s? Who cares.
Anyway, Kelly has moved out, Jolie is doing fine, and she seems good. Vicki admits Kelly couldn’t do anymore to save her marriage, although she is sad about how it affects her: She likes Michael and so does Steve. Welp, that’s a reason to stay married, right? So another one bites the dust!
Speaking of dust, Shannon and David, the marriage that has been done since her very first moment on RHOC, it’s finally OVER. The most shocking thing is how shocked Shannon is. Like she never saw this coming?! At least she finally admits she never got over The Affair and that Vicki’s ALLEGATIONS didn’t make her fat, or ruin her marriage.
After a season of Shannon exploding like a Jack In The Box, she still thought things were gonna be OK. Even though David was living in a separate wing of the house and barely speaking to her. But Shannon, the little engine that hopes she can, badgered David into fixing things until they went on a trip to Hawaii where he left early. When Shannon got home he told her it was done. Not to be mean but this is like the third time David has essentially walked out on Shannon and ended things.
Shannon was in shock because the last two years of her life were – in her mind – the happiest ever and she knew true love, but when she told David he shrugged that they had a “a couple good months.” F–k hormone therapy, Shannon needs intensive psychiatric treatment! This is so depressing! Even Vicki starts to cry; she is genuinely sad for Shannon and, no surprise – equally shocked. Even more shocking, Vicki actually apologized for the things she said, which may have caused their problems. Yes, Vicki is self-absorbed, but this was a an earnest moment, and everyone seemed touched (and relieved to see that on some level she gets it that her behavior is so egregious). I think that’s the most genuine I’ve ever seen Vicki, and I like this. Maybe she got a new heart at that doctor of hers?
Vicki cries that Shannon’s marriage is over, that all their marriages are over, except for maybe Lydia’s, who has Doug’s balls in her Elsa Ice Purse. I do hope this is a serious wake-up call for Shannon. She was never over the affair, and given the nature of it, she shouldn’t have been. It has taken Shannon SO long to see the writing on the wall (even with David literally spelling it out over and over again), yet she’s still having a difficult time coming to grips with it. Still, she’s lost 25lbs and is trying to be positive for her kids and get along with David for their sake. For that I applaud her.
For all the raw emotion of a suddenly single Shannon, Kelly is strangely robotic and distant. I guess the difference is that Kelly wanted this for a long time, and unlike Shannon, never pretended to move on from their past.
Well, you know what this means: Shannon and Kelly have to become roommates, get on Tinder, and have non-stop hi-jinks! Let the tequila and the delusion never stop.
As the ladies break for lunch they’re all supportive of Shannon, and Vicki is still reeling. She assumed Shannon and David would last forever apparently.
TELL US – IS THIS A NEW VICKI? WILL SHANNON EVER GET OVER DAVID?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
