What is it with these ladies on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? NeNe Leakes‘ husband Gregg is having serious health problems, and Kenya Moore‘s grandmother – who raised her! – just died, yet they’re all OK, let’s ditch everything to go party in San Francisco because Sheree Whitfield‘s life coach decided she needs some ME TIME. So, let Sheree take that ME without YOU time – y’all have other things going on!
So Sheree’s ‘doctor’s note’ means she decided to become a life coach herself and stage a rejuvenation from drama bonding trip. Remember how well that worked for Phaedra Parks?! Excuse me, but didn’t NeNe and Kenya actually hate Sheree like 15 minutes ago? Also, why San Francisco? Is there some secret prisoner’s girlfriend seminar happening?
Oh yes, Sheree also revealed that she’s secretly been dating Tyrone. Tyrone from the “get your teef fixed; Trump Checks = Real MONEY” fight NeNe and Sheree had oh-so many years ago when I enjoyed this show. The same Tyrone associated with the the job Sheree accused NeNe of trying to steal from her, well, now he’s Sheree’s man. Kinda. It turns out Tyrone is actually incarcerated, which is a nice way of saying he’s gone away and is no longer available for sexual services rendered.
Sheree has been keeping her own bones well-buried, but good ol’ Kenya, who pines for her husband while stalking the blogs for news about their marriage, unearthed them and carried them in between her teeth until just the perfect moment. I suppose I should back up, though, shouldn’t I? Because, before this all happened, we were at NENE’s NEVER FORGET YOUR MANNERS OVER MOSCOW MULES party where Kim Zolciak foamed at the mouth and was forcibly removed from said party. By Kroy. What is this dude – always waiting in the wings to ‘rescue’ Kim from her own poor decisions. Once an NFL lineman, always a NFL lineman in spirit. And still wearing the same jeans from 2005 when Kim fell in love with his ass and spawned her own football team. A football team which Kenya has accused Kim of pimping out for John Legend tickets for her injured son.
While Kim was flailing in Kenya’s direction, Kenya called on her trusty SECURITY! (She hired Kroy?) to take this gender reassigned Kim out of the party for trashing NeNe “this nice lady”‘s house. Yes, Kenya also went there and referred to NeNe as a nice lady. HA. Reeeeaaaaaaaaaccccchhhhinnnngg stretch wrong-strong. Also, wasn’t this a girls and gays party, yet Kenya is there insulting the transgender community, while lecturing others on how to have manners. Mmkay.
Krayonce hits way, way below the belt. Although it did stem from a totally inappropriate and gross tweet – although clearly joking – that Kim made to Chrissy Teigan asking whose d–k Brielle would need to suck to score some John Legend tickets because injured Kash was such a huge fan. As NeNe, your 90 year old auntie who just discovered the miracles of modern technology pointed out, she has listened to his music “on the iPod” and it ain’t worth going all Kris Jenner on your daughters.
Of course, Kim was just chomping at the bit to poke the Krayonce by calling her marriage fake, and since Kenya apparently has a scrap book of everyone in ATL’s wrongs, she went right ahead and referenced this little tweet Kim wrote.
However, don’t mess with wigs and her spawn, y’all! She will pop up and throw a tantrum until her husband puts her in timeout in NeNe’s garage. Outside, Kim begs Kroy to let her go back inside for another sniff of Krayonce then cries to NeNe that Kenya talking about her kids is SO mean! Inside, poor Cynthia Bailey is ever-so-gently trying to explain to Kenya that she doesn’t have to go ‘all the way there’ and insult people’s parenting.
I have to admit I was concerned that Kim’s too-tight, lace-up dress would burst, but it all stayed intact thanks to the prodigious wonders of body tape. So then Kim, with Sheree in tow, trooped off over the mountain and through the woods, and to Porsha Williams‘s house they go! Porsha is just there playing with her wigs and drinking Hennessy, so Kim and Sheree feel right at home as they regale their faceless faux Farrah’s and Cinncinati’s about how horrible Kenya is! Porsha knows from experience that from now on Kenya will label Kim as crazy, angry, untrustworthy. Porsha is correct; Kenya will never let it go EV-ER, but then again, does Porsha realize Kim provoked Kenya?
Kenya does in fact label Kim all those things, but NeNe is rolls her eyes with annoyance. She so does not care about how Brielle was mean to Kenya, and then Kenya, who would NEVER go after someone’s child, had to set someone’s mama straight. Instead NeNe cares about how Cynthia has become Mayor of Kenyatown and actually declared that Kenya deserves praise for how well-behaved she was during NeNe’s party until Kim provoked her. Something in the love and light ain’t clean… and NeNe is not happy because Cynthia is supposed to be HER blind supporter!
After all this, Sheree decides the perfect solution is to invite the girls to San Francisco. No one’s really sure why San Fran. I assume she got a good deal on an last-minute flights. Or the tourism department wanted some PR for part of California that’s actually not infested with Kardashians, and offered to put them up someplace nice.
But first, Sheree visits the The Kandi Factory to regale Kandi Burruss with everything she missed while she was doing her Essence Magazine photo shoot. Why do I feel like Kandi is sort of The Godfather and Sheree was paying her respect to the keeper of the drama?
Kandi realizes that any bones dropped out of Sheree’s mouth may not be top choice beef – for instance, Sheree’s not really sure if Kenya made a comment about Kim’s injured son, but Kim claims it happened, so Sheree will repeat it just in case. Now the conundrum is that she’s invited both Kenya and Kim on the trip and what’s a girl to do?! Kim wisely decided to stay home and pretend to parent her six kids.
Kandi is feeling badly that she barely sees her children, and almost picked up someone else’s kid in the supermarket the other day because she forgot what Ace looks like, but I mean it’s not like she’s gonna miss the opportunity to watch WWF Fighting Live From San Fran!
Kenya decides to take a break from mourning her grandmother’s passing by taking her puppy-children on a little trip to help them overcome their loss. Then they’re all gonna jaunt off to the funeral where Krayonce Productions will be hosting a video tribute to her grandmother. I feel really sad for Kenya. Her grandmother raised her, but as Kenya mentioned, at least she got to meet Marc (which is more than I can say for the rest of us.). She believes her grandmother was waiting to pass until Kenya found true love, which is a very sweet sentiment. TEAR. RIP Grandma Moore.
NeNe has gotten the all-clear from Gregg that she can leave him in the care of their teenaged son and microscopic dog, who will clearly be able to manage his nine different heart medications.
Since Cynthia is all up Krayonce’s possibly fake butt and Porsha told her “THE DOOR IS CLOSED,” NeNe needs a friend and invites her sometimes frenemy Marlo Hampton. Why is Marlo always lurking around? Is she Kroy now? NeNe decides not to tell anyone Marlo is stowing away in her suitcase, but when Marlo appears over dinner, like the prize in a Happy Meal no one wants, the ladies aren’t surprised. After all, Marlo will go where no other woman dares to go – unless she’s Danielle Staub who is also desperate for her own tagline!
NeNe is not feeling any of the girls who don’t consider her Bravo’s personal Jesus and the guardian angel of all Housewives in peril. The problem is that NeNe believes she can make or break a Housewife and is salty that her attempts to have Porsha pushed off the show didn’t work. Now she’s pretending she did no such thing. But the woman who has no idea how many days are in a calendar year, can see the writing on the wall. Porsha sometimes puts on her thinking wig, y’all!
On the day of the trip, Kandi is stuck waiting awkwardly at the airport with Porsha while they wait eons for Kenya and NeNe. Why did Kandi have to be on time for once?! Kandi is not interested in having any sort of fake interaction with Porsha, who appears to just want to pretend the past – the past where Porsha accused Kandi of trying to drug and rape her – was last year’s look, y’all. This year’s look is shiny, happy, successful Porsha! Of course, that doesn’t mean Kandi’s gonna refrain from making snarky comments under her breath and mutters that she wishes they could leave Porsha at the airport.
The ride from the airport to the hotel starts with a friendly game of when was the last time you had sex. This seems like a thinly-veiled excuse for Kenya to confront Sheree on her super-secret prison man. What a nice gift for the hostess!
Surprisingly, Sheree, who is usually a locked vault about her real life, admits she’s in love and that, yes, Tyrone is locked up – something to do with financial schemes. I dunno you guys – doesn’t Sheree have enough issues with money?! Also, I thought Sheree liked things that are elegant and sophisticated? Like white collar criminals!
Thankfully, when they reach the hotel, we’re spared any gushing and grasping over room reveals, because the real reveal is Marlo. Wearing a negligee with bunny ears. To dinner. I’m guessing that’s what all the Playboy bunnies wore to Hef’s funeral? Even NeNe tries to talk her out of the preposterous get-up. The New NeNe who is all about FASH-SHUN, all thanks to Marlo’s influence, and now the mentee is outshining her teacher. (HA!).
In direct contrast, Sheree wore a sweatsuit to dinner! She is letting it all hang out this season, isn’t she?! It doesn’t really matter who wore what, though, because before appetizers are even ordered, NeNe and Porsha were fighting over why Posha doesn’t appreciate all the things NeNe has done for her. All the things like announce on national TV that Porsha should be fired. Which NeNe completely denies happened and then accuses Porsha of constantly trash-talking her on Dish Nation (a clip from Dish Nation reveals that Porsha merely said she doesn’t have time for unsupportive people). NeNe keeps insisting Porsha said she called people to have her fired, but Porsha just keeps bringing up that ill-fated WWHL appearance that NeNe NEVER REMEMBERED happened.
The most shocking part of all this is not that NeNe, with her bun slopping off her head like a melted cinnamon roll, tried to rewrite history as if this isn’t a reality show with cameras recording her life, but that Porsha stayed completely calm as NeNe went all Kim Z and needed to be restrained by Marlo and Cynthia. And who said anger management isn’t working?! It worked so well, Porsha gave NeNe a referral.
Kenya tried to defend NeNe as the only one who stood by Porsha after she completely and without reason assaulted Kenya at that reunion so long ago, but the door was CLOSED on reasoning with NeNe Leakes.
NeNe does need anger management. Porsha knows a guy.
TELL US – WHO NEEDS ANGER MANAGEMENT MORE: KIM OR NENE? WERE KENYA’S COMMENTS ABOUT BRIELLE OUT OF LINE? DID NENE TRY TO GET PORSHA FIRED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
