Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Baby KangaRude

Every episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas is like a game of Fast and Furious – it’s action-packed, moves like a designer-dressed ninja squad (or Mean Girls the never grown up years) and by the end of the day they’re all friends and wearing monogrammed pajamas. At least no K-Cups were harmed in the making of this episode; baby kangaroos on the other hand…

Stephanie Hollman decided that after these girls smashed heavy artillery and saw what it was like to work for a living – I mean, can Jesus fix a broken nail?! – they all need a recuperating spa day. Also, she hopes to smash back down any bad feelings which popped up in their therapeutic bashing session.

I mean, nice idea, Stephanie but there’s no way Brandi Redmond is forgetting how LeeAnne Locken and Kameron Westcott called her a bad influence and warned D’Andra Simmons away from her. Besides, all that “talk” started at the rodeo with LeeAnne having a little pep talk with Kameron about the type of gal Brandi is!

The first thing on the spa party agenda is to hire hot male models to act as servers and distractions so these girls will be too blinded by six-packs to notice each other. Brandi and Stephanie lose their composure at the first twitching muscle and all shirts are off! Literally. Then came the cutest, most exciting reveal of all – a baby kangaroo (who was attached to a scrawny Pee-Wee Herman of a kangaroo wrangler. The biggest thing on his body were enormous white veneers. That guy was creepy but anything for baby kangas. Also, I am with LeeAnne that is SO NOT LEGAL. PETA, where are you?!)

While Stephanie and Brandi were hardly working, Kameron learned what “Net-Work-IIIING” is and is excited to tell Court about all her successes at the Global Pet Expo. Court patiently explains that people touching your pink kibble does not equate to a doggy delicacy distribution deal so time may be up on Kam’s dream of being a pink-tepreneur.

Kameron still sees herself as a visionary businesswoman who can inspire other women to take a chance on spending their husband’s money to start companies, which is why she goes to support LeeAnn’s photoshoot for the infinity dress of many sleeves. This multiple personalities dress is literally the clothing version of LeeAnne, and some of those um, personalities (like the random ONE red ruffled sleeve or the black with the red cape) look more like bad Halloween costumes than anything one might wear seriously. The color combo was way too generic casino hostess.

The real reason Kameron was at the photoshoot was to talk crap about Cary Deuber, who she thinks is two-faced and goes along with whomever she’s with. Like was Cary really trying to say Brandi isn’t a bad influence when she soooo clearly is! Whatever Kam – as Brandi herself said, you’re friends with LeeAnne, and D’Andra hasn’t turned batshit being around her! YET.

LeeAnne is miffed because she was trying to do some behind-the-back maneuvering and get Cary indoctrinated into the cult of personality that is LeeAnne, but instead, Cary told D’Andra that LeeAnne was gossiping about her finances under the guise of being concerned. Cary only did what LeeAnne asked – she talked to D’Andra to make sure she’s OK with being broke, but now LeeAnne feels she can’t trust Cary with important things. Girl – you can’t! You and Cary had one make-up coffee and a massage together, BFF and confidantes you are not until you share cheesecake on the lanai. I personally think Cary did the right thing in blowing up LeeAnne’s manipulation by doing exactly what LeeAnne suggested she do – reach out to D’Andra as a friend. Except LeeAnne predicted Cary would just go around and tell all the other ladies then LeeAnne could cry that she told Cary in confidence but was betrayed.

Like an errant cape attached to a dress of many polyester accessories, LeeAnne’s bullshit is blowing in the wind and going all over the place. However, for now, LeeAnne is going to apologize to D’Andra – publicly – and pretend she’s not upset with Cary.

Apparently, Brandi has a clothing like called Brandiland so she’s having pop up shows all over Dallas. Everyone marvels at how Brandi has time to raise THREE kids, plus design and sew an entire collection of clothing BY. HER. SELF. What is in that Jesus Juice?! Kam aspires to be such a success at both motherhood and business if only Court would stop treating her like their third child and accept that she can do things on her own. Like this one time, Kameron actually boiled water, you guys and no. one. died.

Even though Kameron supports Brandi’s businessland, she has hesitations about visiting Brandiland, because polyester makes her nose twitch, but she needs to talk to Cary about how Cary is a bad friend, so she sucks it up, buys a teal-colored muumuu and smiles politely while trying not to touch it too much. Good thing Kam wore her protective rubber suit underneath! It’s basically like the raincoat Cary put on her purse, which she kept referring to as “she” like it’s another child. D’Andra, who has seen A LOT of crazy in her day, even looked creeped out.

Brandiland is perfect for D’Andra though because after LeeAnne stole $4 from her piggy bank to buy Chinese hair extensions, she has only $196 left in her shopping account! LeeAnne is not impressed – she classifies all of Brandi’s clothes as “cuuuuuuuuute” with a sneer. What personality was up the sleeve of your wonder dress today?

While Brandi is bopping around pedaling “Mom. Wife. Boss” high-low tees to anyone with a pulse (including, I think, Cary’s purse), Kameron grabs Cary for a chat. It went like this “Giiiiirl, in beaver creek you said Stephanie was wrong for accusing me of bashing a baby, but then the next day said I drove her to it. And I DID. NOT.” Flashbacks show Cary agreeing that Stephanie shouldn’t have said “bash” and then the next day reiterating to Kameron that Stephanie shouldn’t have said “bash” but also reminding Kam that she kept bashing the baby point over and over and over until the only person behaving like a baby was herself.

While explaining this Cary starts mild finger-waving to illustrate her point and Kameron is aghast. Fingers have like GERMS which cannot be near Kam’s perfect plasticine Barbie skin! Hilariously when Kam starts arguing back that she thinks Cary was on her side until she went to talk to Stephanie and Brandi, she pulls out her own finger to wave in the air, but Kameron keeps hers lower – away from the face – so it’s safe and therefore socially acceptable. Cary throws up her hands in the air and calls Stephanie over for some support, but quick as one can move in 200lbs of flammable acetate maxi dress, Kameron canceled the discussion and walked away. Stephanie is confused and just wants to get back to her wine; Cary is confused and just wants to get back to reassuring her purse, and Kameron is running across the room to her safe space with LeeAnne and D’Andra, who are in a discussion of their own.

After D’andra jokes about being broke, LeeAnne starts tearfully apologizing that she would rather hurt herself with these WORDS THAT ARE JUST DAGGERS, instead of with these hands which are just covered by red and white gloves as part of her manic dress and therefore no one can tell she committed the crime. D’Andra is upset because she doesn’t want people like Kameron – socialites who know nothing of financial difficulties – knowing what’s going on with her business and, she expected LeeAnne, of all people to understand being embarrassed about your money straights. D’Andra isn’t buying LeeAnne’s crocodile tears either, just as LeeAnne doesn’t truly believe D’Adnra was upset she told people that her Starbucks account was running low!

Um, D’Andra needs to get over herself! What she really doesn’t want is people thinking she’s a failure and that Mama Dee is correct that she’s a spoiled little girl who’s done nothing but live off her parents’ success.

D’Andra Does Not Believe LeeAnne’s Apology Was Sincere; Slams Her “Career”

After witnessing LeeAnne’s apology Kameron is inspired to try again with Cary. This time she’s honest in explaining that she’s actually upset because she’s been friends with Cary for 8 years yet never feels Cary truly has her back – especially around Brandi and Stephanie. Like when they chased her around with a dildo last season and Cary laughed! Kameron is apparently still in therapy for PTSD over the incident. To prove to Kam that she is a good friend Cary throws Brandi under the bus reveals that Brandi planned to give Kam “Stressticles” in Beaver Creek (balls-shaped stress squeezers) but Cary talked her out of it. This is the most friendship worthy thing Kameron can ever imagine, and she is thrilled.

Later, in front of Brandi, Kameron teases that she heard all about the stressticle plan and is so relieved she has friends like Cary who understand decorum and class and were able to stop that travesty of a plan from becoming a reality. Brandi is shocked and hurt because she came to that decision all on her own, but now Cary is making Kameron think she’s responsible for being the morality police – and just when Brandi is trying to prove to Kam that she’s not a bad influence!

After the Brandiland event, Brandi confides to Stephanie that she’s really hurt by Cary and she’s tired of everyone making her out to be this redheaded stepchild they have to put up with, but don’t really like. Except for Stephanie – she may be forging a friendship-ish with LeeAnne and trying to get to know her on her own terms, but Brandi will forever be her soulmate.

Why do I feel like Stephanie is gonna get a hard wakeup call about what type of New LeeAnne she’s really seeing? I think that’s look #116, and ironically the Infinity Dress is not too different from the Harley Quinn Two-Faced costume LeeAnne wore to Stephanie’s Halloween party the previous year. A costume that was supposed to be her representation of Stephanie! Hmmmm… What we don’t like in others we often see in ourselves – LeeAnne has been in therapy for more years than I’ve been alive, so she should know that! But who knows -maybe LeeAnne is trying to turn over a new leaf, and D’Andra is sabotaging her?

Feeling victorious LeeAnne invites Stephanie to lunch with Kameron and herself. They’re probably trying to get Steph out of Brandi’s bad influence clutches and save her soul!

Only Brandi, Cary, and LeeAnne can attend Stephanie’s spa party, which was so cute. Stephanie had tiaras and monogrammed PJ’s for every woman and her bathroom literally looks like a 5-star hotel with a jacuzzi inside it and multiple rooms, including a sound-resistant toilet chamber. Stephanie doesn’t want Travis to know she goes poop, does she?

The highlight of everything though was the appearance of baby kangaroo. Which if, for a second, you can put aside the questionable use of animals was sooo exciting.

Stephanie and LeeAnne get massages to talk about why Kameron doesn’t like Brandi – apparently Kam feels judged by Brandi – and meanwhile, Brandi confronts Cary over manicures. First Cary apologizes for making it seem like Brandi is incapable of making good decisions when it comes to stressticles, but then Cary explains ho she was trying to prove to Kam that she also has her back. Brandi understands this, then they both laugh about how arguing about Stressticles is the stupidest thing ever. This is why I love this show. This is how real friends act.

Brandi is still upset about her relationship with Kameron though and believes the real reason Kameron doesn’t like her is because LeeAnne is putting thoughts in her head and trying to turn Kameron against her. Cary keeps her mouth shut and listens, but warns Brandi that she’s done keeping secrets.

I applaud Cary’s efforts at transparency, but um, she does realize there’s a difference between keeping secrets and just repeating everything everyone says to her, thus becoming both a gossip and an untrustworthy friend. I think Cary’s plan is gonna backfire and she’ll find herself on the outs with everyone.

I should also note I think LeeAnne’s dress is a great idea, but maybe out of 157 looks, 140 of them being ruffled isn’t so chic. Also the red, black, white combo gives me pause.

TELL US – IS LEEANNE TRYING TO TURN KAM AGAINST BRANDI? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]