The boys (and girls) are finally back in town! So, welcome to The Valley Episode 1, with a series premiere Bravo fans will never forget. In this week’s debut, viewers are preparing to see just how well Jax, Brittany, and Kristen did at giving up their wild nights for a quiet plot in the California suburbs. Along with the OG Vanderpump Rules stars, newbies Danny and Nia are raising three kids, and Jesse and Michelle will try to navigate how to be parents and business partners. Needless to say the adults needed a nap just as much as the kids by the end of this episode. Here’s everything that went down in The Valley Episode 1: “Welcome to the Valley.”
Home sweet home
It turns out the titular Valley is where the former SUR crew need to be for the next phase of their lives. And while they are still very much alive and kicking, their new lives are a far cry from their all-night-long bar shifts. Dare I say the crew has matured? Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
The show opens with Brittany putting little Cruz down for a nap and Jax counting on his fingers how much stuff he has going for him as of late, including “36 Cameos,” the new bar, and a podcast. Jax laments, “I’m at a point in my life where I’ve recharged my batteries. I’ve reassessed my life a little bit. I do it all. I’m an influencer. I’m a father; that’s a job.”
Nice to see Jax still has a healthy sense of ego to work with. Now, before we go patting Jax on the back for his accolades, I don’t exactly get the impression that his life is that difficult. I almost forgot Brittany was there! Then, she noted, “It’s been 10 days since my surgery,” as she hugged her face. Brittany gives a shout-out to her docs as she says “Jax and I are very lucky to have friends who are plastic surgeons.” Insert the montage of procedures these two have had done as the mother of one notes their friends have done all the work. If you’re keeping count, that is three nose jobs for Jax and one “turkey gobbler” for B.
She’s back
Studio City is thriving thanks to Kristen and Luke making their base camp there. Honestly, Kristen has chilled a lot since her days on Vanderpump Rules, but I don’t think she is totally reformed just yet, with her first piece of advice being, “Don’t keep gifts from old boyfriends.”
Fans are immediately reminded why Crazy Kristen was given her name thanks to a story of woe. Kristen was once dating Alex Menache and owned a home in Valley Village. That didn’t end well.
However, it turns out all you need is some wedding sex behind a tent with a handsome stranger to get your groove back. As Kristen likes to say, “the rest is history.” And now she is with Luke who seems smart, genuine, and funny. So please, K, don’t ruin this one.
Baby blues
Near Encino are Nia and Danny, who are struggling. We meet Danny while he is on the couch, clearly wishing he were anywhere else as Nia notes her “boobs are about to explode.” I’m already highly annoyed by Nia, who is one of those women who make an obscene list when searching for her soulmate. Nia’s list included “a six pack, jawline, and beautiful eyes.” Needless to say she wasn’t searching for the next Silicon Valley CEO but rather a GQ model. Somehow, God granted Nia’s ridiculous wish list and out popped Danny.
Okay, so I did not know that Danny is actually a Disney Channel star! This guy has starred in iCarly and Hannah Montana. The dude looks different! But now he works as a voiceover artist, and even got paid to act out the sounds of zombies on The Walking Dead. As we speak, I’m currently wishing a zombie apocalypse would save me from this premiere, but no such luck.
It’s the valley of the dolls
Does everyone in The Valley refer to intercourse as “sexy time” when they have kids? Is it like a well-known inner circle thing I am just not privy to? I am really hoping that the series can get a bit more interesting than storylines about plastic surgery, ex-boyfriends, and babies. Is this reality TV now? When did I get so old? But there is a saving grace as Kristen and her two amigos, Jasmine and Zack, are going to be the troublemakers — I can taste it!
So, for Episode 1, the main drama to know is that Jax isn’t a fan of Luke. The OG villain isn’t kind to the Colorado resident, and it seems he won’t be for a while. Meanwhile, Michelle and Jesse are not okay and have discussed separation.
The Valley is the next chapter for some of Bravo’s most controversial Bravolebs, and thanks to the fade-away scene that was very reminiscent of Vanderpump Rules via The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, many of us will be forced to watch it. So let’s raise a glass cause here’s to you (The Valley) tonight.
The Valley continues Tuesdays at 9/8c on Bravo.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE VALLEY EPISODE 1? DID YOU ENJOY THE PREMIERE?
